having a hard time accepting DS for who he is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, look at the title of this entire thread again:
"Having a hard time accepting my son for who he is". I mean, coming from his own Mom - that is repulsive. The more unlike the Mom the kid turns out to be, the better, for both him and society.

Stop with the judgment already. I give her lots of credit for being honest. How many parents secretly feel that way and would never admit it?

Why withhold my opinion, or judgements? I mean, this IS a public forum, right? There is also a reason why she posted this anonymously, versus registering with her actual name, right? While there MAY be other parents whom feel the exact same way, let's wait til that crowd shows up. Meanwhile, the OP is projecting all her insecurities and faults onto her own kid. For two people with highly educated, economically successful lives, at least according to her, they seem pretty transparent and shallow. So, I give credit to the OP for posting her story, yet I am not going to agree with it. There are some species in nature that kill their young. But we are humans, aren't we? It sounds like the OP wants to start all over with another kid....

If you've been reading the posts here, you'd see that crowd is already out in force.

Seems like someone is either a perfect parent, or needs a little introspection. My guess would be the latter in your case. If OP wanted to start over with another kid, I doubt she'd come here and expose feelings she clearly is uncomfortable with. She was asking for help, not condemnation from someone whose children are hopefully more open-minded and compassionate than their parent.

[Anonymous]

OP ~ re: your original post - You are being challenged in ways unfamiliar to you, life altering perhaps. Your perception of success is being challenged. You don't recognize the attributes your son possesses that you lack. I guarantee there are some, they just haven't come to light. Do not pity him. You will need to develop more humility to grow and change. I imagine once you do, a richer, more accepting, loving life awaits you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is an only child. His father and I both have very high IQs, went to ivies, and were pretty successful in school without much effort (lots of academic honors, consistently high test scores, etc.). One of us was also a competitive athlete. DS does not seem to have an aptitude in academics or athletics - nor art, music, etc. He does not stand out at anything. I love him dearly and try really really hard not to let any disappointment show, but I can't understand why he doesn't seem to shine in anything his father or I did, or anything of his own. I admit the academics is the hardest for me to accept. I feel like all of my friends have one child whose strength may be academics, and then their second isn't as bright but is a gifted soccer player for example. So I am very worried that I pin all of my hopes on my one child and he could never live up to it all. I feel awful that I feel this way, and I know I will get flamed, but can anyone offer me some wisdom to help me accept and cherish my child as he is.

Ok, above is the OP's original post, with some select quotes:

"I can't understand why he doesn't seem to shine in anything his father or I did, or anything of his own."
"So I am very worried that I pin all of my hopes on my one child and he could never live up to it all. "
"I feel like all of my friends have..."
Lovely stuff, huh?
I never said I was perfect - in fact, far from it. But, at least I know it. Meanwhile, if the OP was so Ivy-smart, she should simply re-read her own words. There are lots of use of the word "I". Yet, there is no use of the word "us", or "we". Thus there has apparently been no discussion with her spouse about this. So, it seems the OP carries this dilemma all on her own, sad-ass shoulders. The problem is 100% the OP's, not her son's fault.
OP, why not get another job, volunteer your own time, pick up a hobby, do anything to avoid "pinning all your hopes " on your child. No kid could ever meet your immense expectations, resume and body of work. He is 12 for God's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, look at the title of this entire thread again:
"Having a hard time accepting my son for who he is". I mean, coming from his own Mom - that is repulsive. The more unlike the Mom the kid turns out to be, the better, for both him and society.

Stop with the judgment already. I give her lots of credit for being honest. How many parents secretly feel that way and would never admit it?

Why withhold my opinion, or judgements? I mean, this IS a public forum, right? There is also a reason why she posted this anonymously, versus registering with her actual name, right? While there MAY be other parents whom feel the exact same way, let's wait til that crowd shows up. Meanwhile, the OP is projecting all her insecurities and faults onto her own kid. For two people with highly educated, economically successful lives, at least according to her, they seem pretty transparent and shallow. So, I give credit to the OP for posting her story, yet I am not going to agree with it. There are some species in nature that kill their young. But we are humans, aren't we? It sounds like the OP wants to start all over with another kid....

If you've been reading the posts here, you'd see that crowd is already out in force.

Seems like someone is either a perfect parent, or needs a little introspection. My guess would be the latter in your case. If OP wanted to start over with another kid, I doubt she'd come here and expose feelings she clearly is uncomfortable with. She was asking for help, not condemnation from someone whose children are hopefully more open-minded and compassionate than their parent.

The OP needs a little introspection. I guarantee she will be the ruin of her kid.
As for help, my guess is, the OP is NOT the kind of person that takes advice or offers of help willingly or easily. She feels that the genetic make-up of her kid should be enough to guarantee that child of life of success. How naive is that?
Here is an idea for help: volunteer for 3 hours in a dirt-poor children's home. Or with the physically disabled. See their struggles, and then perhaps she will see how lucky she is to have the son she has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is an only child. His father and I both have very high IQs, went to ivies, and were pretty successful in school without much effort (lots of academic honors, consistently high test scores, etc.). One of us was also a competitive athlete. DS does not seem to have an aptitude in academics or athletics - nor art, music, etc. He does not stand out at anything. I love him dearly and try really really hard not to let any disappointment show, but I can't understand why he doesn't seem to shine in anything his father or I did, or anything of his own. I admit the academics is the hardest for me to accept. I feel like all of my friends have one child whose strength may be academics, and then their second isn't as bright but is a gifted soccer player for example. So I am very worried that I pin all of my hopes on my one child and he could never live up to it all. I feel awful that I feel this way, and I know I will get flamed, but can anyone offer me some wisdom to help me accept and cherish my child as he is.

Ok, above is the OP's original post, with some select quotes:

"I can't understand why he doesn't seem to shine in anything his father or I did, or anything of his own."
"So I am very worried that I pin all of my hopes on my one child and he could never live up to it all. "
"I feel like all of my friends have..."
Lovely stuff, huh?
I never said I was perfect - in fact, far from it. But, at least I know it. Meanwhile, if the OP was so Ivy-smart, she should simply re-read her own words. There are lots of use of the word "I". Yet, there is no use of the word "us", or "we". Thus there has apparently been no discussion with her spouse about this. So, it seems the OP carries this dilemma all on her own, sad-ass shoulders. The problem is 100% the OP's, not her son's fault.
OP, why not get another job, volunteer your own time, pick up a hobby, do anything to avoid "pinning all your hopes " on your child. No kid could ever meet your immense expectations, resume and body of work. He is 12 for God's sake.

Again, you seem to be short a compassion chip. Your very selective reading of OP's post overlooks her confession of feeling awful and her plea for wisdom from readers. Perhaps you're dealing with your own issues of parental disappointment. Whatever the case, you need to back off and figure out why this post pushes your buttons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the helpful replies and I agree I probably need to talk to a therapist to work through this. My child is not 7 - he is almost 12 - but still very young in the big scheme of life. And while I realize he could be very different some day, I do think you can tell a lot already. I have always been very sharp and driven and I've always been drawn to that same type with regard to my spouse and friends. So it is hard for me to connect with my child or admire him. But I really really do love him and I want to be a better parent to him. This has been the most shameful post I've ever typed.

I think you're basically a good person, OP. Hang in there - you can do this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the helpful replies and I agree I probably need to talk to a therapist to work through this. My child is not 7 - he is almost 12 - but still very young in the big scheme of life. And while I realize he could be very different some day, I do think you can tell a lot already. I have always been very sharp and driven and I've always been drawn to that same type with regard to my spouse and friends. So it is hard for me to connect with my child or admire him. But I really really do love him and I want to be a better parent to him. This has been the most shameful post I've ever typed.

I think you're basically a good person, OP. Hang in there - you can do this!

Pp again. Now that I think of it, OP, maybe that will be one of your son's great talents in this world -- that in learning to love him for who he is, you will learn to be happier with yourself for who you are. That will be a more meaningful gift for you than him being an academic star. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Yes OP, hang in there. I share much of your background and have two children, older, whom DH feels have fallen very short of his expectations. Both have strengths, but not in areas he values much. This has affected his whole outlook on life. In my view he has made the choice to be unhappy because his children have not lived up to what he wanted.

I am much more relaxed and really enjoy the ways DC are different from me. I have seen DD at a family gathering with her Ivy league cousins and she is the one that people flock to for her charm. Not me at all! And the wonder of it amazes me. DS has always struggled with health issues and his childhood was no picnic because of it, but he bears not the slightest hint of resentment or "life isn't fairism" about it. What an example!

Long ago, when DS was young and struggling I read a parable. You had planned a trip to Italy, studied up on its history, and even learned a lot of phrases. When you stepped off the plane, you were in Amsterdam, not Rome. You could spend your trip cursing your travel agent or you could say, well the Netherlands is not Italy, but it has great museums, wonderful bicycling, and fun cafes along canals and have a good time anyway.

OP, you have found yourself in the Netherlands. Enjoy!

[Anonymous]

The way you described your son sounds just like me. I'm an only child I am not smart horrible at sports I've never liked art or music. I did great in high school and in college but all I did was go to school. I never did any extras no clubs or sports. I'm a very shy independent person.
When I told my parents 12 years ago I wanted to be a career nanny they were upset. My mom assumed I would be poor my entire life and have no future. In the last 12 years I have traveled to over 13 countries and I have become a 24 hr nanny and currently make 170k per year which is more then both my parents combined.

My advice is to let your child find his nitch and if its something you don't approve of keep your comments to yourself unless it can harm him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the helpful replies and I agree I probably need to talk to a therapist to work through this. My child is not 7 - he is almost 12 - but still very young in the big scheme of life. And while I realize he could be very different some day, I do think you can tell a lot already. I have always been very sharp and driven and I've always been drawn to that same type with regard to my spouse and friends. So it is hard for me to connect with my child or admire him. But I really really do love him and I want to be a better parent to him. This has been the most shameful post I've ever typed.

First off, I think it is good that you are realizing this and wanting to change. Many pushy DC parents don't. I like a few of the book suggestions.

How about some mom/son dates. Get to know. Stop worry about academics. Let him open up to you. Maybe he is feeling the same thing.

Is he happy. Does he like girls yet. Does he have good friends. Is there something he really likes, even if it just a movie? Is he outdoorsy?

Ideas to do to help you both:

Dave & Busters
Trampoline Park
Camping Trip
White Water rafting
Paint Ball
Nats game
Miniature golfing
Amusement Park
Museums

Do some as a family, some all 3 of you, some with his friends. Watch him, observe him, learn what makes him happy and appreciate it. And by the way most middle school boys are going thru puberty and it is a tough transition. Sometimes academics are hard to focus on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way you described your son sounds just like me. I'm an only child I am not smart horrible at sports I've never liked art or music. I did great in high school and in college but all I did was go to school. I never did any extras no clubs or sports. I'm a very shy independent person.
When I told my parents 12 years ago I wanted to be a career nanny they were upset. My mom assumed I would be poor my entire life and have no future. In the last 12 years I have traveled to over 13 countries and I have become a 24 hr nanny and currently make 170k per year which is more then both my parents combined.

My advice is to let your child find his nitch and if its something you don't approve of keep your comments to yourself unless it can harm him.

Way to go PP! It's great that you were able to overcome the straitjacket definition your parents had of success and find your own way to get there. Life can turn out well in so many surprising ways if one views it as a great adventure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the helpful replies and I agree I probably need to talk to a therapist to work through this. My child is not 7 - he is almost 12 - but still very young in the big scheme of life. And while I realize he could be very different some day, I do think you can tell a lot already. I have always been very sharp and driven and I've always been drawn to that same type with regard to my spouse and friends. So it is hard for me to connect with my child or admire him. But I really really do love him and I want to be a better parent to him. This has been the most shameful post I've ever typed.

First off, I think it is good that you are realizing this and wanting to change. Many pushy DC parents don't. I like a few of the book suggestions.

How about some mom/son dates. Get to know. Stop worry about academics. Let him open up to you. Maybe he is feeling the same thing.

Is he happy. Does he like girls yet. Does he have good friends. Is there something he really likes, even if it just a movie? Is he outdoorsy?

Ideas to do to help you both:

Dave & Busters
Trampoline Park
Camping Trip
White Water rafting
Paint Ball
Nats game
Miniature golfing
Amusement Park
Museums

Do some as a family, some all 3 of you, some with his friends. Watch him, observe him, learn what makes him happy and appreciate it. And by the way most middle school boys are going thru puberty and it is a tough transition. Sometimes academics are hard to focus on.

Great post! F'k the ivies.

When my son was in middle school he was having a difficult time, and we started going to the movies. He once told me this is fun and we should do this more often. I clearly remember this, yet I never seemed to find enough time, we went again, but not often enough. And now he is a moody teenager that will do nothing with us. I really wish I could go back in time.

[Anonymous]

OP ~ you say you are drawn to a certain type.

Know that not everyone is drawn to you, or thinks that you are worth knowing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the helpful replies and I agree I probably need to talk to a therapist to work through this. My child is not 7 - he is almost 12 - but still very young in the big scheme of life. And while I realize he could be very different some day, I do think you can tell a lot already. I have always been very sharp and driven and I've always been drawn to that same type with regard to my spouse and friends. So it is hard for me to connect with my child or admire him. But I really really do love him and I want to be a better parent to him. This has been the most shameful post I've ever typed.

First off, I think it is good that you are realizing this and wanting to change. Many pushy DC parents don't. I like a few of the book suggestions.

How about some mom/son dates. Get to know. Stop worry about academics. Let him open up to you. Maybe he is feeling the same thing.

Is he happy. Does he like girls yet. Does he have good friends. Is there something he really likes, even if it just a movie? Is he outdoorsy?

Ideas to do to help you both:

Dave & Busters
Trampoline Park
Camping Trip
White Water rafting
Paint Ball
Nats game
Miniature golfing
Amusement Park
Museums

Do some as a family, some all 3 of you, some with his friends. Watch him, observe him, learn what makes him happy and appreciate it. And by the way most middle school boys are going thru puberty and it is a tough transition. Sometimes academics are hard to focus on.

Great post! F'k the ivies.

When my son was in middle school he was having a difficult time, and we started going to the movies. He once told me this is fun and we should do this more often. I clearly remember this, yet I never seemed to find enough time, we went again, but not often enough. And now he is a moody teenager that will do nothing with us. I really wish I could go back in time.

PP, I just wanted to agree with you and also say that it gets better. My two moody teenage sons are now young adults and enjoy hanging out with us again. So, it does come around and we parents hopefully get more chances.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I am not going to tell you to change what you feel. Why? Because you are a logical person and have already tried to do that.

You and your DH found success through a very set route - and you think that is the way to success. But it is not.

My school valedictorian has a successful career as a Dr. My very average performer friend is now a multi-millionaire because he has his own hedgefund.

So the people who have REALLY done well were actually average performer. The high achievers have done well - but not as well as the average performers.

And this is not the only story. For some reason - I have TONS of friends who are multi-millionaires and who were less than average. The high achievers like DH and I - are doing well - but positively middle class by DCUM standards.

SO - let him be. It is destiny. He has a ton of advantages by having you as parents. You can teach him to be a good and productive human being. Teach him to be fiscally responsible too - and he can have a great life!

No worries, mom!