having a hard time accepting DS for who he is

[Anonymous]

DS is an only child. His father and I both have very high IQs, went to ivies, and were pretty successful in school without much effort (lots of academic honors, consistently high test scores, etc.). One of us was also a competitive athlete. DS does not seem to have an aptitude in academics or athletics - nor art, music, etc. He does not stand out at anything. I love him dearly and try really really hard not to let any disappointment show, but I can't understand why he doesn't seem to shine in anything his father or I did, or anything of his own. I admit the academics is the hardest for me to accept. I feel like all of my friends have one child whose strength may be academics, and then their second isn't as bright but is a gifted soccer player for example. So I am very worried that I pin all of my hopes on my one child and he could never live up to it all. I feel awful that I feel this way, and I know I will get flamed, but can anyone offer me some wisdom to help me accept and cherish my child as he is.

[Anonymous]

You need to go to therapy. This is your kid you're talking about. You love him for who he is. Period.

[Anonymous]

Is e happy? Independent? Considerate? Productive?

[Anonymous]

I think it is time for professional help. My hunch is that this child of yours isn't even old enough to have revealed what he is good at.

Perhaps he can stand out at being a mensch, and that is something rare and precious.

[Anonymous]

I am in the same position OP and it's not something that is going to go away with therapy or anything else. I think it is true disappoint and you just have to work through it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I just have better defenses of denial or something, but I cannot fathom not loving and accepting my kid for the person they are. I think if you are feeling so invested in your child being "good at" something then you are basically using that child as a narcissistic extension of yourself. Time for therapy.

[Anonymous]

How old is your son?

[Anonymous]

sounds crazy but i use these little tidbits when i need to reinforce my fuzzy feelings for my kids -- talk to them on the phone! (they sound younger and cuter through the phone than in person). sit with them at night on their bed and talk, play cards, backgammon, chess, whatever. (feels cozy and reinforces your feelings without thoughts of 'what they are doing, accomplishing, etc). think of your friends, colleagues, relatives, etc that are VERY SMART but also somewhat neurotic and/or not very happy in life, in general. (i have tons of those in the relatives department). think about the fact that EQ is more predictive of success and happiness that IQ.

good luck OP! i know you're a good mom!

[Anonymous]

How old is this kid who is such a disappointment? 8?

[Anonymous]

Where did you and DH grow up? Is it outside the area and is it somewhere more or less competitive than here? If you grew up in a smaller town etc., keep in mind that it is easier to stand out in those places than it is in the suburbs of DC, NYC, etc. where you are surrounded by a LOT more families that are academically oriented, so they will be competing to make sure their kids get in to everything from the Gifted & Talented program to junior National Honor Society as if it's the end of the world. Same thing with sports -- lots more emphasis on travel teams and the like here, where I know kids who go to small schools in central Pa where they can basically walk on to a high school soccer team because the school needs enough people to field a team.

[Anonymous]

I went to college (mid level school) with a guy who was an only child whose parents were both Harvard graduates, and very successful. He never really made much of himself and he only recently moved out of his parents house (35 years old).

However, I will say he is one of the funniest people I have ever met. Really dry intelligent sense of humor. I just don't think he has found his "calling" yet.

He's still young, there is still time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is time for professional help. My hunch is that this child of yours isn't even old enough to have revealed what he is good at.

Perhaps he can stand out at being a mensch, and that is something rare and precious.

Agreed. And even though you're not saying anything, kids pick up on these things. You don't want him growing up thinking it's he who has the problem when you're the one who has it. Good luck, OP. I think you have the right instincts. You need to examine this drive you have and reflect on your own craziness.

[Anonymous]

Two mentally retarded people can give birth to a non-retarded baby, and two "normal" IQ people can give birth to a mentally retarded baby. So it makes total sense that sometimes, two academics can give birth to someone who's not a natural scholar.

[Anonymous]

Eh, my 7 year old doesn't excel at anything. DH and I are Ivy grads with successful careers. We are over the moon when he does something that's great FOR HIM, not compared to his peers. When he finally went under water in swimming lessons we were high fiving each other. He finally learned to catch a baseball in a glove yesterday, we were beyond thrilled! He's delayed in reading and just read the next level book and I can't even describe to you how proud I was! I love this boy to death and want him to be happy and healthy. I love seeing his confidence improve.

Accept your child for who he is and relish in his successes and his interests.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I think therapy could help. You might be doing things that telegraph your disappoint to your child. I am not one who thinks children detect everything, but you are struggling and it's hard to hide all.

Also, you need to evaluate what you're seeing in other people's children. None have average kids? That can't be.

I think it's great that you've reached out.