having a hard time accepting DS for who he is

[Anonymous]

You need to be the parent your child needs. He does not need to be the child you need. Figure out how to best be a parent to him and realize he is not you and not a reflection of you. He is his own person and has a right to live his own life without your baggage weighing him down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I just want to say that I get what you are saying. I also think that the posters here being cruel to you have almost certainly not walked a mile (or even a foot) in your shoes.

I commend you for being honest. I also want to say that genes are weird. My husband and I are both university professors at a top school (not in DC) and we know many professor couples with kids. Many of these professors are world famous, up for the nobel prize, graduated top of their class at MIT, Harvard, etc.

Some of these professors have really bright kids. But a surprising number do not. They go to average schools, take non academic jobs. One I can think of , of two of the most successful people out there, skipped college and went into the military.

You could say it's because these people were too busy to parent their children. Occasionally that might be a contributing factor. But honestly, genes are weird. What I am trying to say OP is that you are not alone.

When we had our first child, I tried to think that my goal was to have a child that was comfortable in his own skin and a good person. But even so, when I first saw my son, he had a certain look in his eye, and I confess a tiny part of me was relieved -- I realized he was "one of us." -- ie intellectual. Not sure how I knew, but I did. And to the extent I can tell -- he is still a preschooler, I am right. Loves books, math, very focused, etc. Things may still go differently, but right now they do not.

I think it is only natural not necessarily to have a narrow view of success for your child, but to want a child you can relate to and parent naturally. So I understand the difficulty in having that not be the case. And I don't fault you, at all.

I hope that by being honest here (and thinking about this issue) you can think about how to relate to your son as you said. Maybe you can find an activity you enjoy together. If you can phrase it in this way, and hope that your son will be the best that he can offer to this world, you will be a fabulous, and I'd like to think proud parent.

We are set to have another child and I am gearing up for this all over again. OP, I hope I can be honest as you are and use that to be a good parent. My best to you.

You knew the first time you saw him that he was one of you? On my. You sound nuttier than OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is an only child. His father and I both have very high IQs, went to ivies, and were pretty successful in school without much effort (lots of academic honors, consistently high test scores, etc.). One of us was also a competitive athlete. DS does not seem to have an aptitude in academics or athletics - nor art, music, etc. He does not stand out at anything. I love him dearly and try really really hard not to let any disappointment show, but I can't understand why he doesn't seem to shine in anything his father or I did, or anything of his own. I admit the academics is the hardest for me to accept. I feel like all of my friends have one child whose strength may be academics, and then their second isn't as bright but is a gifted soccer player for example. So I am very worried that I pin all of my hopes on my one child and he could never live up to it all. I feel awful that I feel this way, and I know I will get flamed, but can anyone offer me some wisdom to help me accept and cherish my child as he is.

I guess you should of had more than one child. You are over-analyzing him and he is probably resenting you and doing the opposite to spite you. Plus you both would probably be the embarrassing parents on the side lines so he keeps away from sports too.

[Anonymous]

To OP and others struggling like OP,

I wonder how much time you send on Facebook. Facebook is notorious for making us doubt our child-raising capabilities.

Does reading about a high school acquaintance's daughter's regional dance team championship turn you green with envy since your on DD dropped out of ballet offered at the town recreation center? Are you jealous when a colleague posts about their child's lacrosse win?

I have a 15 and 6 year old. I felt like a much calmer and better parent to my 15 year old as I didn't know of the "successes" of her peers and the feeling to keep up with the Jones. Social media has changed that and I feel parents are much more intense because of it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you. Both my husband and my kids fit your description and sometimes it really gets me down. I do not have too much to offer other than this: 1. The pp who talked about her son's health issue raises excellent points. 2. I have several friends with Ivy degrees who have children with significant special needs. That puts things in perspective. 3. I know plenty of people who went to mid-tier schools who are doing great (in life outlook and $$$). True, they have other stellar life skills, mostly emotional intelligence or some unique interest that served them well, so you never know. 4. You are not alone. I thought this was interesting: http://thechoice.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/10/20/a-fathers-acceptance/.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you. Both my husband and my kids fit your description and sometimes it really gets me down. I do not have too much to offer other than this: 1. The pp who talked about her son's health issue raises excellent points. 2. I have several friends with Ivy degrees who have children with significant special needs. That puts things in perspective. 3. I know plenty of people who went to mid-tier schools who are doing great (in life outlook and $$$). True, they have other stellar life skills, mostly emotional intelligence or some unique interest that served them well, so you never know. 4. You are not alone. I thought this was interesting: http://thechoice.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/10/20/a-fathers-acceptance/.

Good article. Also, it is short.

There is a question at the end of the article, who do you relate to? I don't relate to anybody in the story, thank my lucky stars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I thought this was interesting: http://thechoice.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/10/20/a-fathers-acceptance/.

Good article. Also, it is short.

There is a question at the end of the article, who do you relate to? I don't relate to anybody in the story, thank my lucky stars.

Who do YOU relate to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I thought this was interesting: http://thechoice.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/10/20/a-fathers-acceptance/.

Good article. Also, it is short.

There is a question at the end of the article, who do you relate to? I don't relate to anybody in the story, thank my lucky stars.

Who do YOU relate to?

I relate to the person on the sideline watching a parent yell at their kid for not being good enough and feeling sad.
I relate to the mom who has a child that doesn't even show me his report card until days later, oh we got our report card, oh cool how was it, i did bad in history again. Oh okay. what did you do good in, math. Then I wonder why he only told me about the bad grade and wonder if we should move away from here.
I relate to the mom who has to explain to her son why his friends cry if they get a B.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did she say he's 7???

SEVEN????

Sigh.

OP, please update us when the child's in middle school at least. He's barely started elementary.

Yes, this. Some kids peak early - check back with us in High School. Some kids wake up when things start to "really count."

[Anonymous]

I feel so bad for your son. My guess is he knows exactly how you feel about him. He might even be afraid to try things because he knows he will fall short of your expectations. Shame on you.

[Anonymous]

I wonder what the OP thinks is average. 3.0, 3.5? Sports but he doesn't start?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you. Both my husband and my kids fit your description and sometimes it really gets me down. I do not have too much to offer other than this: 1. The pp who talked about her son's health issue raises excellent points. 2. I have several friends with Ivy degrees who have children with significant special needs. That puts things in perspective. 3. I know plenty of people who went to mid-tier schools who are doing great (in life outlook and $$$). True, they have other stellar life skills, mostly emotional intelligence or some unique interest that served them well, so you never know. 4. You are not alone. I thought this was interesting: http://thechoice.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/10/20/a-fathers-acceptance/.

I think there are more special need kids because the ages people are having kids, Ivy parents especially.

Younger parents are so much more easy going. It seems like the older parents want to force their college success on young kids because they are too impatient realizing they aren't going to be around to see much? I don't know. But the older parents with one kid seem to just be the worst IMO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you. Both my husband and my kids fit your description and sometimes it really gets me down. I do not have too much to offer other than this: 1. The pp who talked about her son's health issue raises excellent points. 2. I have several friends with Ivy degrees who have children with significant special needs. That puts things in perspective. 3. I know plenty of people who went to mid-tier schools who are doing great (in life outlook and $$$). True, they have other stellar life skills, mostly emotional intelligence or some unique interest that served them well, so you never know. 4. You are not alone. I thought this was interesting: http://thechoice.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/10/20/a-fathers-acceptance/.

I think there are more special need kids because the ages people are having kids, Ivy parents especially.

Younger parents are so much more easy going. It seems like the older parents want to force their college success on young kids because they are too impatient realizing they aren't going to be around to see much? I don't know. But the older parents with one kid seem to just be the worst IMO

You provide an interesting analysis and opinion. Come to think of it, I am inclined to agree with you...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is an only child. His father and I both have very high IQs, went to ivies, and were pretty successful in school without much effort (lots of academic honors, consistently high test scores, etc.). One of us was also a competitive athlete. DS does not seem to have an aptitude in academics or athletics - nor art, music, etc. He does not stand out at anything. I love him dearly and try really really hard not to let any disappointment show, but I can't understand why he doesn't seem to shine in anything his father or I did, or anything of his own. I admit the academics is the hardest for me to accept. I feel like all of my friends have one child whose strength may be academics, and then their second isn't as bright but is a gifted soccer player for example. So I am very worried that I pin all of my hopes on my one child and he could never live up to it all. I feel awful that I feel this way, and I know I will get flamed, but can anyone offer me some wisdom to help me accept and cherish my child as he is.

We all have a talent. Give him time to find his.

[Anonymous]

I think you should have another child or two and see if they are academically or athletically inclinded and if so, focus on them.