having a hard time accepting DS for who he is

[Anonymous]

How old is he?

[Anonymous]

I hope this is a joke.

[Anonymous]

My traditional Asian upbringing is coming out, but there's nothing wrong with telegraphing to a child that they're not "good enough." It helps them up their game. It obviously doesn't make them more intelligent, but it makes them work that much harder until they get the top grades, awards etc. Asian countries are built on this model. Before you say that those parents don't love their kids -- the view is that it's a tough world out there, if we demand their best and toughen them up, nothing that they face after this will be hard for them.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I went to competitive schools and are successful professionals. We have two kids with ADHD and some mild learning issues and I can't wait to pick them up each day and talk to them about their day. We pay a ton of money for them to get the support they need and they are thriving in the school environment they are in. I feel blessed to have them in our lives. They will go to college but not the ones my husband I went to but that's fine with me. They will reach success but not necessarily as a banker and lawyer like us. But, that's ok. Pour lives are full and I have no regrets. I hope you will come to appreciate your son for the gifts that he has. All the best, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My traditional Asian upbringing is coming out, but there's nothing wrong with telegraphing to a child that they're not "good enough." It helps them up their game. It obviously doesn't make them more intelligent, but it makes them work that much harder until they get the top grades, awards etc. Asian countries are built on this model. Before you say that those parents don't love their kids -- the view is that it's a tough world out there, if we demand their best and toughen them up, nothing that they face after this will be hard for them.

Is that why there is a high suicide and depression rate among teens and young adults in the Asian community? Not surprised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My traditional Asian upbringing is coming out, but there's nothing wrong with telegraphing to a child that they're not "good enough." It helps them up their game. It obviously doesn't make them more intelligent, but it makes them work that much harder until they get the top grades, awards etc. Asian countries are built on this model. Before you say that those parents don't love their kids -- the view is that it's a tough world out there, if we demand their best and toughen them up, nothing that they face after this will be hard for them.

Is that why there is a high suicide and depression rate among teens and young adults in the Asian community? Not surprised.

Cost of doing business?

[Anonymous]

OP, is it possible your child has ADD? We have four and our second oldest has ADD and sounds a lot like your son. She is 15 and hasn't found any sport or activity that she can stick to long enough to be successful, and we've tried many. She is very smart but because of her ADD finds it very hard to motivate herself to do the work. During her elementary school years she found it pretty easy to still get good grades even though she wouldn't do the homework or study. It's much harder for he now that she is in high school. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My traditional Asian upbringing is coming out, but there's nothing wrong with telegraphing to a child that they're not "good enough." It helps them up their game. It obviously doesn't make them more intelligent, but it makes them work that much harder until they get the top grades, awards etc. Asian countries are built on this model. Before you say that those parents don't love their kids -- the view is that it's a tough world out there, if we demand their best and toughen them up, nothing that they face after this will be hard for them.

Have you heard of Carl Rogers and unconditional positive regard? This is the foundation of therapy: unconditional positive regard. It's what a child needs most from a parent, and the lack of it is a real problem.

[Anonymous]

Really, OP. Go to therapy and look at what's driving this for you. The best thing we can do for our kids is to see them and love them for who they are. We owe them that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My traditional Asian upbringing is coming out, but there's nothing wrong with telegraphing to a child that they're not "good enough." It helps them up their game. It obviously doesn't make them more intelligent, but it makes them work that much harder until they get the top grades, awards etc. Asian countries are built on this model. Before you say that those parents don't love their kids -- the view is that it's a tough world out there, if we demand their best and toughen them up, nothing that they face after this will be hard for them.

Have you heard of Carl Rogers and unconditional positive regard? This is the foundation of therapy: unconditional positive regard. It's what a child needs most from a parent, and the lack of it is a real problem.

but i find it tiring to say "great job" constantly when it isn't...

[Anonymous]

Please don't be so hard on OP, she wrote for advice.

OP, I understand where you are coming from. I'm not saying that it is right or wrong, but I have been there myself. It doesn't mean you don't love them, you just didn't expect life to be so challenging for them.

[Anonymous]

Wow. OP and PP with same feelings, I really have no way of relating. Did you think so much of yourself and your spouse that this is a disapointment about your "bad" genes or is it about your child's perceived shortcomings? Barring any unforeseen tragedy your child has a lifetime to excell and perhaps he will do so in manner that shows true compassion as opposed to educated ignorance.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a SN sib (I have a SN kid too), and from that I learned early that my "success" academically (ivy etc, awards) is just a thing, not reflective of who I am or having anything to do with selfhood. It's a complicated lesson, but what I mean is that part of the problem is that you are defining your own self in relation to external things (your education, your "successful careers"), which is why it is difficult for you to come to terms with your son. Ultimately it's a problem not with your view of him, but with your view of you, because - maybe - there isn't much self that you've built outside of that.

[Anonymous]

If you can't find anything truly remarkable about your child, how is he ever supposed to?

[Anonymous]

OP I find that you want your DC to be just like either you are your DH. That's not always going to happen. Why don't you celebrate the things your DC likes/enjoys instead of being fixated on comparing him to your and your DH.