having a hard time accepting DS for who he is

[Anonymous]

I just wrote the above snarky remark.

I am sort of kidding.

My sister and her husband are both brilliant and their only son is average or below average academically. It is very weird. We just assumed they would have a super smart child.

I have three kids. So far, all of them are doing really well in school. I just sort of assumed that my kids and my siblings kids would all be A students because all of my siblings and I did very well in high school and went to great colleges, including Ivy leagues.

But overall, it is prob. more important that your child is healthy and happy and a nice kid. Nice goes a long way. When he is an adult with a good job, it won't matter that he is not brilliant and did not attend an Ivy league. It really won't at all.

[Anonymous]

I think its really interesting how everyone is conflating "ivy league" and "intelligent," as if thats the measure. As if it defines the universe of intelligent. Its this kind of limited vision that makes people feel like there's something wrong with their kids if they don't get into an ivy.

22:13 is another poster who decided to drop by and tell us how brilliant her whole family is.

Our kids need room. Cramming them into your limited vision of what their lives should be just cuts them off from what their lives could be.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am married to a man whose parents felt about him the way you say you sometimes feel about your son. They are superstar academic types and they made it very clear to him, mostly subtly but occasionally overtly, that he was not good enough.

This man, who I love dearly, has zero self esteem and I fear will never get over this. He knows what they think and that "lack," if you will, colors everything he does. Even now that he is in his 40s.

And you know what? They are missing out on the fact that he is immeasurably kind, wickedly funny, tender, generous, creative, artistically gifted, and more. I wish he could see it!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the helpful replies and I agree I probably need to talk to a therapist to work through this. My child is not 7 - he is almost 12 - but still very young in the big scheme of life. And while I realize he could be very different some day, I do think you can tell a lot already. I have always been very sharp and driven and I've always been drawn to that same type with regard to my spouse and friends. So it is hard for me to connect with my child or admire him. But I really really do love him and I want to be a better parent to him. This has been the most shameful post I've ever typed.

You don't need counseling! I am so tired of everyone saying that the answer is counseling.

The suggestions on this board are helpful. Maybe get some books. Spend more time with your child, etc.

These are some ways to get a little bit of help without paying money to some darn therapist. Geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the helpful replies and I agree I probably need to talk to a therapist to work through this. My child is not 7 - he is almost 12 - but still very young in the big scheme of life. And while I realize he could be very different some day, I do think you can tell a lot already. I have always been very sharp and driven and I've always been drawn to that same type with regard to my spouse and friends. So it is hard for me to connect with my child or admire him. But I really really do love him and I want to be a better parent to him. This has been the most shameful post I've ever typed.

OP,

I feel very sorry for your son. My DH and I both excelled academically and professionally (i.e., top grades, schools, degrees, salaries, ya da ya da ya da). However, we love our DD and even if she fails to excel academically, we feel truly blessed to be her parents. I feel so blessed every day that I get to be her mom. she's a very happy and curious kid. her enthusiasm for life is contagious. The most important thing a parent can give a child is unconditional love. Life is short. My mom died before she saw any of her kids get married much less meet a grand kid. i hope to be around to meet my grand kids some day and have a very long and happy relationship w/ my kid (soon to be 2 kids).

You need to do some serious reflecting. if you are not careful your disappointment will end up driving him away. children can sense when they don't measure up in their parents' eyes.

[Anonymous]

This post strikes a nerve with me - but as the kid not the parent. Growing up, my older sibling was brilliant, my dad a respected doctor, and my mom an athlete. Although they loved me and never flat out said I was a disappointment, it was clear that they had limited expectations for me. I was deemed the social family member and they seemed happy with my ability to make friends easily, etc. I never tried to excel in school, or even really paid attention, because I thought it was pointless. I was not the smart one. I ended up going to a decent state college and blossomed. I was at the top of my class, transferred to a better school, ended up at a great law school, and got a job at a prestigious law firm. My family was shocked by my success. I truly believe that my family's treatment of me as not that smart deeply impacted my ability to flourish academically until I was away from them. I think it is very important to make sure you are not limiting your child's potential by even subtly communicating that he/she isn't good enough.

That being said, if your child is average, that is not the end if the world. Now that I am a parent, I am more focused on overall happiness and making sure my child turns out to be a good person. I understand that it might be hard to relate to a child so unlike you, but I don't think that's limited to intelligence or athletic ability. Use this opportunity to broaden your own perspective and realize the value in other things. My advice is to try to focus on the positive things about your child. Maybe you are so focused on what made you special that you are missing what is amazing about your child.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe I just read thru all these posts....
In aggregate, a lot of these comments sound like something out of "Stepford Wives"....a communal mind-think. The OP states that an Ivy education essentially equals intelligence and success. Wait a sec, was the Unabomber a Harvard grad? I wonder if the OP wouldn't mind their kid as much, if he attended Harvard, and then followed that psychotic path. The best part of being a parent is seeing your kid challenged, watching their response, and then also cheering them when they succeed, and consoling them when they hit roadblocks. It is about growth. Each kid growing up is a fantastic story, especially if that kid is yours. Unfortunately, the OP sees her world thru her own tinted glasses, but, they aren't tinted. They are foggy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post strikes a nerve with me - but as the kid not the parent. Growing up, my older sibling was brilliant, my dad a respected doctor, and my mom an athlete. Although they loved me and never flat out said I was a disappointment, it was clear that they had limited expectations for me. I was deemed the social family member and they seemed happy with my ability to make friends easily, etc. I never tried to excel in school, or even really paid attention, because I thought it was pointless. I was not the smart one. I ended up going to a decent state college and blossomed. I was at the top of my class, transferred to a better school, ended up at a great law school, and got a job at a prestigious law firm. My family was shocked by my success. I truly believe that my family's treatment of me as not that smart deeply impacted my ability to flourish academically until I was away from them. I think it is very important to make sure you are not limiting your child's potential by even subtly communicating that he/she isn't good enough.

That being said, if your child is average, that is not the end if the world. Now that I am a parent, I am more focused on overall happiness and making sure my child turns out to be a good person. I understand that it might be hard to relate to a child so unlike you, but I don't think that's limited to intelligence or athletic ability. Use this opportunity to broaden your own perspective and realize the value in other things. My advice is to try to focus on the positive things about your child. Maybe you are so focused on what made you special that you are missing what is amazing about your child.

Wow, this is a great post. I am also the DD of two very bright, accomplished parents. School and studying always came very easily to me, but I never had the spark to push myself too far or too hard. I chose to become an RN, and my mother especially objected. Even as an adult, I feel hurt that they disrespected my career and life choices. Please don't do that to your precious little boy.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry so many people have jumped all over you for being honest about your feelings. I think too many people here are in denial about the degree of narcissism that is involved in most parenting. One of the most fundamental urges underlying reproduction is the desire to see ourselves reflected in the next generation and it can be a rude shock when that urge isn't satisfied. Obviously, we need to curb that impulse in how we treat our kids, but it's folly to think that it's not there, and that it doesn't rear its head periodically.

I agree with others that you need to get a little distance/perspective, and try to remind yourself that you are not your child and he is not you.

I have one kid who is very much like me in many ways, and another who is more like DH. In some ways, I have a smoother relationship with the child who is less like me, but I also "get" the kid whose personality is similar to mine better. I understand the conflict and disappointment, and I urge you to do what you need to do to resolve it.

But let's not kid ourselves. Having children is basically an exercise is narcissism and all we can do is try to get a handle on it.

[Anonymous]

PP, i didn't jump on the OP, yet I do disagree with her.
I have flaws. My wife has flaws. But, hopefully, our kids turn out 'better' than us. By better I mean, happier, and hopefully, healthy. Also, having children isn't really an exercise in narcissism - that implies a very simple reason for doing it. The OP needs to embrace her kid, no matter his path. Ultimately you want your kid to grow up and be happy. The OP makes it seem as if her kid was some blood-sucking, immoral lawyer, and hated his vocation, it would be better than if he decided to become a content and hard-working mason. It makes me wonder what the heck the Ivys ARE teaching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry so many people have jumped all over you for being honest about your feelings. I think too many people here are in denial about the degree of narcissism that is involved in most parenting. One of the most fundamental urges underlying reproduction is the desire to see ourselves reflected in the next generation and it can be a rude shock when that urge isn't satisfied. Obviously, we need to curb that impulse in how we treat our kids, but it's folly to think that it's not there, and that it doesn't rear its head periodically.

I agree with others that you need to get a little distance/perspective, and try to remind yourself that you are not your child and he is not you.

I have one kid who is very much like me in many ways, and another who is more like DH. In some ways, I have a smoother relationship with the child who is less like me, but I also "get" the kid whose personality is similar to mine better. I understand the conflict and disappointment, and I urge you to do what you need to do to resolve it.

But let's not kid ourselves. Having children is basically an exercise is narcissism and all we can do is try to get a handle on it.

This is sad too.

[Anonymous]

Also, look at the title of this entire thread again:
"Having a hard time accepting my son for who he is". I mean, coming from his own Mom - that is repulsive. The more unlike the Mom the kid turns out to be, the better, for both him and society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, look at the title of this entire thread again:
"Having a hard time accepting my son for who he is". I mean, coming from his own Mom - that is repulsive. The more unlike the Mom the kid turns out to be, the better, for both him and society.

Stop with the judgment already. I give her lots of credit for being honest. How many parents secretly feel that way and would never admit it?

[Anonymous]

Op - I would second the idea of some therapy for yourself because perhaps there are other areas of your life that you do not even realize are bothering you. You may have shifted some things that have or have not happened to you in comparison with peers to the next natural topic of talking about kids.

If your son is young it may take time for him to really develop and hone in on an interest(s), skill that he will enjoy for himself. You have the luxury of being able to afford expose your son to many things so continue to do so but without over load. There are so many wonderful things to get to do in the DC area. Also as he gets older it may well be that both you and your husband find that he will share your interests in such things as travel, learning skills together such as tennis, golf, sailing, kayaking, etc. Being an only child encourage him to get involved in activities with other kids such as scouting which is non-specific and develops many aspects of a person. Working with him toward the Eagle Scout badge - without pressure - could certainly be one positive endeavor for Dad and son together.

If your son is well regarded all around by teachers and peers at any age that is a wonderful basis upon which to build a life time. If he is learning at the rate suited to his abilities, then again wonderful. You - and possibly your husband - need to deal with your feeling now so that you do not set your son up for failure in his own eyes and then issues developing from that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, look at the title of this entire thread again:
"Having a hard time accepting my son for who he is". I mean, coming from his own Mom - that is repulsive. The more unlike the Mom the kid turns out to be, the better, for both him and society.

Stop with the judgment already. I give her lots of credit for being honest. How many parents secretly feel that way and would never admit it?

Why withhold my opinion, or judgements? I mean, this IS a public forum, right? There is also a reason why she posted this anonymously, versus registering with her actual name, right? While there MAY be other parents whom feel the exact same way, let's wait til that crowd shows up. Meanwhile, the OP is projecting all her insecurities and faults onto her own kid. For two people with highly educated, economically successful lives, at least according to her, they seem pretty transparent and shallow. So, I give credit to the OP for posting her story, yet I am not going to agree with it. There are some species in nature that kill their young. But we are humans, aren't we? It sounds like the OP wants to start all over with another kid....