Anyone else experience this when discussing school choice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I'm admittedly lost in all the back-and-forth about who's being more of a jerk. So let me re-package the question in a way that might move this discussion forward ...

Pretend that our children attend a preschool together. We are friendly but not particularly close. Both of our children just went through the private school application process. My son Reginald was admitted to Sidwell, GDS, Beauvoir, and Maret for K, and he will be attending Sidwell next year. I don't know it, but your son Dominick got lots of rejections and WLs, and likely will be attending the local public school for K. We see each other at the preschool and after some preliminary small talk, you ask the question ...

YOU: So, where's little Reggie going to school for kindergarten next year?

How exactly should I respond to avoid giving offense? Should I ask where your child is going next year? Tell me what I should say.

I would tell the truth: He's going to Sidwell. Then ask: what about Reggie? Once she answered, I'd say something innocuous like "Can you believe they are going to K already! It's gone so quickly..." and move the conversation towards a different subject.

[Anonymous]

I would tell the truth about Sidwell, but I would not ask about her child, I'd let her bring up the topic of where her child is going, if she wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because I think OP was tone deaf on this issue doesn't mean I have sour grapes about her child's success. FWIW my kids have had their share of acceptances and rejections at "several of the top 5 schools" as well. Oops, now I'm humble bragging.

Same here! We turned these top privates down for magnets, and now DC is going to an ivy.

Guess what? I posted that OP is clueless and tone deaf, and I believe that. When people asked me about colleges, I had a ready answer that involved a lot of eyerolling about luck and how DC fit a really special niche (not a hook) they needed, all to make it seem like this wasn't a judgment on their kids. It's not hard to be kind and thoughtful in this process, and it costs nothing when you're already really happy about your own kid's outcome. It just seems like OP is absorbed in her own wonderfulness that she doesn't want to make the effort.

False modesty is just as obnoxious as ill-concealed envy. How does this model or teach maturity to your kids? It only teaches that it's reasonable to be envious of others and to expect others to downplay their successes because you are too fragile to accept reality. Not a lesson I want my kids learning in either direction. Whatever happened to the expectation that we all shake hands, say "good game," and sulk in private or preferably not at all?

Oh, grow up. Please. And grow some brain cells. Try to figure out the difference between "disappointment" and "envy." Also, try to figure out the difference between modesty and false modesty, if you can, although I suspect introspection is not your forte. Try to figure out the difference between a kids' sports game and a potentially life-changing event. Also, nobody here has ever said that envy is OK, so stop repeating that. And finally, stop pretending we're on the playing fields of Eton in order to justify your inability to feel comopassion.

Don't you have a clue what compassion is? It's empathy and understanding. By definition, it's with regard to someone who is suffering. Nobody on this thread has EVER said that envy is a good thing. I'm sure the disappointed parents don't want to feel envy. But they can't avoid it for a few weeks until they can get over it. So wipe that sh!t-eating grin off your smug mug, and join the human race.

(PS, don't come back at me with your lame retort about sour grapes, because I'm pretty sure you'd want your kid to trade places with my kid, I'm not naming the school though.)

You are ridiculous. The PP I quoted talked about how she "had a story ready" with lots of eyerolling and minimizing in order to deflect the potential reaction of the people she's talking to. If that isn't false, I don't know what is.

Of course I know the difference between disappointment and envy. Disappointment is what I feel about my child not getting something we hoped for, envy is when your child and your family figure into it at all. Finally, I also know the difference between compassion, suffering, and narcissism, which it seems hardly anyone else in this community does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh, grow up. Please. And grow some brain cells. Try to figure out the difference between "disappointment" and "envy." Also, try to figure out the difference between modesty and false modesty, if you can, although I suspect introspection is not your forte. Try to figure out the difference between a kids' sports game and a potentially life-changing event. Also, nobody here has ever said that envy is OK, so stop repeating that. And finally, stop pretending we're on the playing fields of Eton in order to justify your inability to feel comopassion.

Don't you have a clue what compassion is? It's empathy and understanding. By definition, it's with regard to someone who is suffering. Nobody on this thread has EVER said that envy is a good thing. I'm sure the disappointed parents don't want to feel envy. But they can't avoid it for a few weeks until they can get over it. So wipe that sh!t-eating grin off your smug mug, and join the human race.

(PS, don't come back at me with your lame retort about sour grapes, because I'm pretty sure you'd want your kid to trade places with my kid, I'm not naming the school though.)

You are ridiculous. The PP I quoted talked about how she "had a story ready" with lots of eyerolling and minimizing in order to deflect the potential reaction of the people she's talking to. If that isn't false, I don't know what is.

Of course I know the difference between disappointment and envy. Disappointment is what I feel about my child not getting something we hoped for, envy is when your child and your family figure into it at all. Finally, I also know the difference between compassion, suffering, and narcissism, which it seems hardly anyone else in this community does.

Here's an eye roll, just for you:

You still haven't explained why making other people feel better, whether it's genuine or you have to fake it, is a BAD thing. And don't start again with the don't-enable-the-jealous-losers nonsense again. If you really get the difference between disappointment and envy (I have my doubts, although props for knowing how to thumb through a dictionary) and if you really understand what compassion is all about (again, I have my doubts), then you'll stop framing this as a manichean contest between privileged you and those jealous rejects.

[Anonymous]

Your compassion is overwhelming. I hereby nominate you for the DCUM Mother Theresa Award. Prize: surgery to correct disfigurement due to excessive eye-rolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I'm admittedly lost in all the back-and-forth about who's being more of a jerk. So let me re-package the question in a way that might move this discussion forward ...

Pretend that our children attend a preschool together. We are friendly but not particularly close. Both of our children just went through the private school application process. My son Reginald was admitted to Sidwell, GDS, Beauvoir, and Maret for K, and he will be attending Sidwell next year. I don't know it, but your son Dominick got lots of rejections and WLs, and likely will be attending the local public school for K. We see each other at the preschool and after some preliminary small talk, you ask the question ...

YOU: So, where's little Reggie going to school for kindergarten next year?

How exactly should I respond to avoid giving offense? Should I ask where your child is going next year? Tell me what I should say.

I would tell the truth: He's going to Sidwell. Then ask: what about Reggie? Once she answered, I'd say something innocuous like "Can you believe they are going to K already! It's gone so quickly..." and move the conversation towards a different subject.

You can also say, "That's great -- I know a family with kids at Reggie's new school and they love it. " This is not only kind and modest, but has the advantage of being the truth (to paraphrase Mark Twain) because surely we all know a family in that position -- just as we all know a family with a child at Sidwell who knows that it's not perfect. You don't? Yes, you do -- our family -- 2 grads and 1 current student. We like the school, sure, but it has its weaknesses, as do all schools. Moreover, we all know that gaining admission to the most selective schools involves a large dollop of luck -- it can't be otherwise, given the large numbers of applicants.

[Anonymous]

Great response PP- I made the suggestion you quoted. I will remember that for next time this comes up. For us, it's for HS now. With 3 kids we have been both the "winners" and the "losers" in the admissions game thru the years (quotes because as you noted, you don't know how great a school is or isn't until your kids are there). Agree that a lot of it has to do with luck- such as who else is applying when your DC is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I'm admittedly lost in all the back-and-forth about who's being more of a jerk. So let me re-package the question in a way that might move this discussion forward ...

Pretend that our children attend a preschool together. We are friendly but not particularly close. Both of our children just went through the private school application process. My son Reginald was admitted to Sidwell, GDS, Beauvoir, and Maret for K, and he will be attending Sidwell next year. I don't know it, but your son Dominick got lots of rejections and WLs, and likely will be attending the local public school for K. We see each other at the preschool and after some preliminary small talk, you ask the question ...

YOU: So, where's little Reggie going to school for kindergarten next year?

How exactly should I respond to avoid giving offense? Should I ask where your child is going next year? Tell me what I should say.

I would tell the truth: He's going to Sidwell. Then ask: what about Reggie? Once she answered, I'd say something innocuous like "Can you believe they are going to K already! It's gone so quickly..." and move the conversation towards a different subject.

You can also say, "That's great -- I know a family with kids at Reggie's new school and they love it. " This is not only kind and modest, but has the advantage of being the truth (to paraphrase Mark Twain) because surely we all know a family in that position -- just as we all know a family with a child at Sidwell who knows that it's not perfect. You don't? Yes, you do -- our family -- 2 grads and 1 current student. We like the school, sure, but it has its weaknesses, as do all schools. Moreover, we all know that gaining admission to the most selective schools involves a large dollop of luck -- it can't be otherwise, given the large numbers of applicants.

It is the perfect response. But when the parents start getting snarky about how hard it is going to be for little Reggie at that hard hard school, won't it Reggie? then the parents have a right to be less than pleased.

[Anonymous]

That's when you change the subject, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I'm admittedly lost in all the back-and-forth about who's being more of a jerk. So let me re-package the question in a way that might move this discussion forward ...

Pretend that our children attend a preschool together. We are friendly but not particularly close. Both of our children just went through the private school application process. My son Reginald was admitted to Sidwell, GDS, Beauvoir, and Maret for K, and he will be attending Sidwell next year. I don't know it, but your son Dominick got lots of rejections and WLs, and likely will be attending the local public school for K. We see each other at the preschool and after some preliminary small talk, you ask the question ...

YOU: So, where's little Reggie going to school for kindergarten next year?

How exactly should I respond to avoid giving offense? Should I ask where your child is going next year? Tell me what I should say.

I would tell the truth: He's going to Sidwell. Then ask: what about Reggie? Once she answered, I'd say something innocuous like "Can you believe they are going to K already! It's gone so quickly..." and move the conversation towards a different subject.

You can also say, "That's great -- I know a family with kids at Reggie's new school and they love it. " This is not only kind and modest, but has the advantage of being the truth (to paraphrase Mark Twain) because surely we all know a family in that position -- just as we all know a family with a child at Sidwell who knows that it's not perfect. You don't? Yes, you do -- our family -- 2 grads and 1 current student. We like the school, sure, but it has its weaknesses, as do all schools. Moreover, we all know that gaining admission to the most selective schools involves a large dollop of luck -- it can't be otherwise, given the large numbers of applicants.

It is the perfect response. But when the parents start getting snarky about how hard it is going to be for little Reggie at that hard hard school, won't it Reggie? then the parents have a right to be less than pleased.

I'm the poster you're quoting. I have 3 kids and have gone through private school admissions with them both here and in NYC. I have also gone through college admissions with 2 of the 3. Maybe my snark-o-meter needs to be repaired, but, honestly, I've never heard somebody respond that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It is the perfect response. But when the parents start getting snarky about how hard it is going to be for little Reggie at that hard hard school, won't it Reggie? then the parents have a right to be less than pleased.

I'm the poster you're quoting. I have 3 kids and have gone through private school admissions with them both here and in NYC. I have also gone through college admissions with 2 of the 3. Maybe my snark-o-meter needs to be repaired, but, honestly, I've never heard somebody respond that way.

+1. I've never received responses that were other than gracious, even from disappointed parents. To the first PP, has this actually ever happened to you?

[Anonymous]

I've had it happen. When my dd got into an Ivy -- a few disgruntled parents at her private school wrote to the Ivy to ask why my dd got in and not theirs. And, then they went on to pinpoint why they didn't my dd should have gotten in. They wrote about their own kid's attributes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had it happen. When my dd got into an Ivy -- a few disgruntled parents at her private school wrote to the Ivy to ask why my dd got in and not theirs. And, then they went on to pinpoint why they didn't my dd should have gotten in. They wrote about their own kid's attributes.

WTF? Really? My DD got into an Ivy and I can't imagine this happening. Was this at an area private school?

[Anonymous]

When I got into Harvard, it was the early '80s. My best friend's mother didn't hide her contempt for Harvard and said to me, "You better learn Yiddish."

[Anonymous]

12:18 -- yes this happened at an elite area suburban private school here for girls.