Reply to S/O What Do You Expect Your Sex-Starved Spouse to Do?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Yeah, I think one of the posters nailed it. I think that there is very timid poor communication here on both sides. The rejected partner does not want to "hurt" anyone so never really makes their spouse listen. I admire the pp who made a list and said divorce or else. I think people who refuse to ever put divorce on the table are martyrs. Because unless you KNOW you would never divorce, even if infidelity, then you are just sitting around being a martyr victim, giving up all your power. Not saying throw it up in every argument, just that you've thought about it.

Or just cheat. Really, what's the big deal?

I've been on dcum for a few years and I have to say, with this + dan savage, I definitely don't consider infidelity anything like a dealbreaker. If I had a low drive spouse, I would accept it and cheat. Definitely. [/quote]

I am one of the posters who are in a sexless marriage, and I'm a DW.  While it bugs the hell out of me to live a life of involuntary celibacy, I would never divorce "because" of this, assuming everything else is satisfactory, because we have children. What do I tell my son? Mommy broke the family because she couldn't get her rocks off with Daddy? seriously? I don't say I'd NEVER divorce, but I wouldn't make my sexual satisfaction a priority over my child's need for a complete family.  I realize you may feel differently, but this is how my mental calculus worked this out.

The big deal with cheating is that it's not exactly satisfying. I'm not sitting around craving an orgasm from a random person.  I want to have mad sex with my husband, the man I married.  Sex I can have with other people, while it can be good, is just not the same commodity. [/quote]

I am divorced in large part due to this issue.  Husband was withholding, and I wound up having an affair, and then told him about (for reasons I won't get into on this message board).  For a long time I had the same feelings as you - other than the sex, my husband was a "great" guy, a "nice" guy, and how could I break my marriage up over the selfish need for sex?  Well, the truth is, desiring sex ISN'T selfish - and desiring the person whom you love to want to have sex with you is NOT selfish - it is normal, and in a healthy marriage, both partners should feel loved and wanted and when one partner is continually being rejected, it leads to feelings of isolation/loneliness, low self esteem, and sadness.

Will I tell my 4 year old that his parents got divorced because his mom wanted more sex, NO because that is a very skewed way of looking at the situation (and one that makes you look/feel unnecessarily selfish and guilty).  I got divorced because my husband and I weren't compatible on a fundamental level.  To put it in divorce speak, we had "irreconcilable differences."  If you got divorced, it would not be because YOU selfishly wanted to have more sex, it would be because you and your husband were not able to meet each other's needs and it was causing both of you to be unhappy.  That is not a marriage paradigm that I would want to model for my children (on a side note - it was a marriage paradigm which my parent's modeled for me).  You are taking on too much guilt in this situation - your husband is responsible for 50% of the problem in your relationship, it happens to be that your problem is sex which is uncomfortable to talk about with people (it would probably be easier if your husband had a problem with money or alcohol to not blame yourself so much and to be more open in talking to other people about it) and which has strange social associations as being "not necessary" or that wanting sex is "selfish".  But sex IS a normal, necessary part of a healthy relationship, and if you don't have that, it is a VALID reason to leave a marriage.

I hope this helps a little bit.[/quote]

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