Friends don't want to pay for beach house, and think it was my fault?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This statement from your friend sounds very, very, VERY manipulative to me:

"You guys are making lots of money now, I just thought you were inviting us to join you on a vacation you would have done with or without us."

She was not assuming anything. She was guilt tripping you and manipulating you into to paying for the whole thing. It definitely sounds like the friend does not have the money or doesn't want to spend the money on this vacation BUT there is no mistaking the fact that she is being incredibly manipulative. This part of the whole situation would piss me off the most. I would definitely not go on vacation with these people. It's going to be a disaster anyway.

I agree and vote for neighbors and parents or just renting the house solo but not with the friends. This situation is going to drive your DH nuts all week. I'm not even going and I'm already annoyed at them. Splitting the grocery bill won't be any fun either- are you supposed to pay for EVERYTHING? I would nail down details like that now if you decide to go forward.

[Anonymous]

The other husband IS a dickhead and I don't think I would want to spend a week with him. However, girl friends are very important to me. Maybe they come down for the first few days. FWIW, we were lucky enough to be invited specifically as guests twice this summer and both times I asked what we could contribute and when told "nothing" we definitely made up for it in groceries, dinners, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. This is one issue with emails - when read quickly and when typed carelessly it can cause misunderstandings. When I read it I could see how it could be misunderstood, especially if read quickly.

I thought OP's email was pretty clear, but even if it were not, I don't think this is the kind of situation where you read quickly and jump to conclusions. Sure, if someone is asking if you want to meet up later at the park. But if the subject is a one-week vacation in a rented house?

[Anonymous]

I'm Team OP as well. I think you are being very gracious and a better person by still having them come with you.

[Anonymous]

OP your email was clear. A PP made a great point that if they thought you were paying they would have effusively thanked you. I wpuld absolutely take your parents and neighbors instead. It sucks to end a friendship over money but this was their decision, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your email was clear. A PP made a great point that if they thought you were paying they would have effusively thanked you. I wpuld absolutely take your parents and neighbors instead. It sucks to end a friendship over money but this was their decision, not yours.

wow, you sound horribly selfish and money-obsessed. you would end a friendship over a misunderstanding over money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your email was clear. A PP made a great point that if they thought you were paying they would have effusively thanked you. I wpuld absolutely take your parents and neighbors instead. It sucks to end a friendship over money but this was their decision, not yours.

wow, you sound horribly selfish and money-obsessed. you would end a friendship over a misunderstanding over money?

Not the PP but you don't get it. It's not about the money. It's about the way her friend is treating her.

[Anonymous]

Unclear!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your email was clear. A PP made a great point that if they thought you were paying they would have effusively thanked you. I wpuld absolutely take your parents and neighbors instead. It sucks to end a friendship over money but this was their decision, not yours.

wow, you sound horribly selfish and money-obsessed. you would end a friendship over a misunderstanding over money?

Not the PP but you don't get it. It's not about the money. It's about the way her friend is treating her.

look at it from the friend's perspective in the best light. she misunderstood. she doesn't have $3K lying around for a vacation. what do you want her to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your email was clear. A PP made a great point that if they thought you were paying they would have effusively thanked you. I wpuld absolutely take your parents and neighbors instead. It sucks to end a friendship over money but this was their decision, not yours.

wow, you sound horribly selfish and money-obsessed. you would end a friendship over a misunderstanding over money?

Not the PP but you don't get it. It's not about the money. It's about the way her friend is treating her.

look at it from the friend's perspective in the best light. she misunderstood. she doesn't have $3K lying around for a vacation. what do you want her to do?

She could start by not saying "oh I just thought you guys had a lot of money." The she could offer to pay $500 or cook many nights or hope to be able to return the favor in the future. Then she could get in a time machine, go back to the beginning, and be so appropriately appreciative of the gift she thought she was getting that OP would notice there was a misunderstanding.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Wow. I hardly ever start a thread, and receive so many responses.

For everyone who contributed, this is important. I heard back from Melissa via email. She has a host of issues going on right now (loss of her mother, damage to their house, diagnosis of special needs, etc.) In her email to me, she expressed extreme concern and regret for not handling the OBX situation well. She also apologized for the comment about assumed wealth of our family, and how that was in poor taste.

It would probably be in equally bad taste if I detailed more, but suffice to say, she is not in good shape. And even if I begged her to join us, she needs to stay in New Jersey with her family. My heart is breaking for her. I am going to plan a weekend just for us when things settle down for her.

The lesson for me in this is to give friends the benefit of the doubt, especially when they do things that are out of the ordinary. It's a sign that something is wrong. I just wish I had called Mel a few times over the last few months, instead of waiting for a beach vacation to catch up.

My parents are going to join us. They are thrilled, and can't wait to spend time with the grandkids. Our neighbors are coming as well, and I made if very clear tonight that they were guests, and we would only welcome a nice bottle of wine and crab picking tips.

My husband is asleep, and has no idea what transpired in the last two hours. But I think he will be thankful that his beach vacation will be drama and stress free.

[Anonymous]

Another lesson might be not to write so many identifying details about your friend on a public message board and include her name in your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another lesson might be not to write so many identifying details about your friend on a public message board and include her name in your post.

Look, I don't think anyone is going to call Joey Gorga over this, so no harm no foul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another lesson might be not to write so many identifying details about your friend on a public message board and include her name in your post.

Wow, yeah. I had the same reaction. I hope her name is not really Melissa.

[Anonymous]

Thanks OP, for your last post.

When I was mourning and generally not in a good place, I did lots of things that could be considered rude, neglectful, damaging to friendships. I wish more people had cut me some slack.

Good on you.