Son only cousin excluded from nephew's wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally think the obsession these days with "no child" weddings to be ridiculous and the height of curated crap. I went to a wedding over Christmas that did invite children and it honestly made it feel so joyful and fun. To each his own, but I think it's shortsighted and stupid. And just wait until those "no children" brides pop out a couple of kids and see how it feels. It's fine if a family chooses to leave the kids at home (so the married couple can have a childfree night) but to be forced to exclude the kids is just sad IMO.

Then they wail - "Where is my village??"

They are all takers. Everybody is in it for something. OP has only 1 kid and wants cousins like siblings. Instead of chasing family that are too old for her son and of a different generation, her time is better spent curating friends like family that she can pick and choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I traveled from Seattle to Princeton NJ for my first cousin's wedding. We actually lived together as kids for a few years. My mother had money, his did not, so we took them in so we were more like brothers than cousins

I only learned we werent invited to the rehearsal dinner about 3 hours before it started.

So, my wife and I traveled 2386 miles, and three time zones, to literally sit in our hotel room while the dinner went on.

We went to the wedding the next day and took the first flight back the next morning. I sent them some towels and never spoke to them again. That was 2000.

They did reach out about 6 or 7 years ago asking if their son could stay with us while touring UW. I never answered him.

You expected to be invited to your cousin’s rehearsal dinner (even though you had no role in the wedding) because your mom had helped his mom out when you were young? Some of you really need to get some help for your pettiness and main character syndrome.

Not PP, but I have usually been invited to rehearsal dinners when I have traveled far for the wedding.

It would not even cross my mind that someone would be butt hurt about not being invited to the rehearsal dinner when, wait for it……they were not part of the rehearsal.

I travel for most weddings and haven't been invited to a rehearsal dinner unless I was in the actual wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Slightly off-topic but your poor sister. Imagine not being able to afford sending your kid to college, accepting help from your sibling to do so, and then your kid treats the sibling like a B list invite. She must be so embarrassed.

I was in a similar situation and , yes, I was very embarrassed and upset about the situation. The parties involved had their reasons, but I was still disappointed. The family member affected put a good face on it (is this still a phrase?) and I’ve always been very grateful.

[Anonymous]

The end of the day, these disputes are about adults having different values over weddings. Stop imposing your values and expectations on to someone else’s wedding. You get to celebrate your day the way you want and they get to celebrate their day the way they want. Respect it. When you don’t, you are basically saying your values and needs are more important than theirs. It’s an invite. You can accept or decline. But the obsession that people have over having their needs met (or feeling acknowledged) at someone else’s wedding are just astounding.

Some people just want to get married. They don’t want to spend tens of thousands of dollars (at a time when they are starting out) to make other people feel special. People attach way too much significance to what should be a joyful day for the bride and groom. It is NOT about you.

[Anonymous]

I also agree that you're making it too much about you. Your son being an only child doesn't mean that the cousins are required to be "siblings". 16+ are high schoolers, while your son is an elementary schooler! Let the bride and groom have their wedding instead of you wanting a family reunion for your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I promise this is not a slight to you or your son. They can’t cater to every guest, even close family. Their wedding is about them, not about you and the gifts you have given. (Please think about what your post implied. Clearly the money wasn’t a gift because you now think it had strings attached). For one day, let them make decisions in THEIR best interests, even if you don’t understand them.
Imagine if every important person in their life wanted some accommodation at their wedding. It becomes exhausting and unnecessarily stressful trying to meet everyone’s expectations. It is one day. You can decide to attend or not to attend. But it is petty to change your gift or not talk to him because you were not made to feel special at his wedding. Repeat as many times as necessary - this decision has nothing to do with you or your child.

Op here - The money was given because I felt close to my nephew and wanted to help him. It is not so much that I expect something for it, but that this lack of invitation for my child and lack of conversation about it initiated by him indicates to me that we are not actually close at all.

I completely understand, OP, what you are saying and agree with you fully. It is disappointing at best and quite hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. You’re keeping track of the value of gifts and “financial support” you’ve been giving the groom over the years? Not only kinda petty but irrelevant.

Well, the money wasn't irrelevant to him. It helped him pay for college. And it doesn't require a ton of keeping track as three items were large checks that could quickly be totaled in my head.

Well you gave him the money, your son didn't. Are you really saying your DS should go to a 16+ wedding because you gave your nephew gifts? How weird. Just respect his wishes and don't bring your DS, or send your regrets and a gift. Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

All of the other cousins and not him? Yeah I just wouldn’t go (did not read the other responses)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The end of the day, these disputes are about adults having different values over weddings. Stop imposing your values and expectations on to someone else’s wedding. You get to celebrate your day the way you want and they get to celebrate their day the way they want. Respect it. When you don’t, you are basically saying your values and needs are more important than theirs. It’s an invite. You can accept or decline. But the obsession that people have over having their needs met (or feeling acknowledged) at someone else’s wedding are just astounding.

Some people just want to get married. They don’t want to spend tens of thousands of dollars (at a time when they are starting out) to make other people feel special. People attach way too much significance to what should be a joyful day for the bride and groom. It is NOT about you.

I don't think that applies here. OP isn't upset that the wedding is 16+, she's upset that an exception wasn't made for her kid because (i) she had previously given her nephew money, and (ii) she wants her only child to be close to his cousins. This isn't a philosophical objection, it's crankiness that not everyone believes that her special snowflake should be exempt from the rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is 9. He has several cousins scattered around the country, with three living in Texas. My oldest nephew, who I am closest to, is getting married in June. The wedding is 16+. All the other cousins will be able to attend, except my son. I have given this nephew a lot of financial support and gifts in the past - probably 15k over the last ten years. Now, I don't even want to go to the wedding because my kid is the only one from my nephew's side of the family being excluded. Plus, if we travel for the wedding, we would have to find a sitter in a city far from home while everyone we know in the city is at the wedding.

I may be more sensitive to this because my son is an only child and I had hoped he would have strong ties with his cousins, though they are all a bit older than him. But now I want to just cut go no-contact with this nephew.

Am I overreacting? Should we go to the wedding and pretend we aren't offended? Should the value of the wedding gift reflect how upset I am?

I read a few pages of replies and I want to ask the people sticking by the age cutoff: if the groom or bride had a 9 yr old sibling, should they not include them or should they invite all the other little kids so they are not offended by the 9 yr old that they invited?

Not including close family bc of an age cutoff is dumb.

The only thing i can think of is that the bride and groom are total ifiots snd will hopefully outgrow their silliness, but it’ll be after the wedding of course.

[Anonymous]

It’s not that serious. I think him being an only child is causing more sensitive heightened emotions. There was a strict age cut off. If family on the brides side (under 16) aren’t attending then, you can’t expect them to allow your son to attend. That seems fair. Theres no issue with child free weddings at all, if family and children is so important to you, you’d think the same goes for family members and their weddings, but looks like they had different priorities.

[Anonymous]

I guess the bride and groom should just hope that if they’re not planning to pay for their kids to go to college, the person they’ll hit up didn’t have children excluded from this wedding.

This is such a beggars being choosers moment… Likely to come back to haunt them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is 9. He has several cousins scattered around the country, with three living in Texas. My oldest nephew, who I am closest to, is getting married in June. The wedding is 16+. All the other cousins will be able to attend, except my son. I have given this nephew a lot of financial support and gifts in the past - probably 15k over the last ten years. Now, I don't even want to go to the wedding because my kid is the only one from my nephew's side of the family being excluded. Plus, if we travel for the wedding, we would have to find a sitter in a city far from home while everyone we know in the city is at the wedding.

I may be more sensitive to this because my son is an only child and I had hoped he would have strong ties with his cousins, though they are all a bit older than him. But now I want to just cut go no-contact with this nephew.

Am I overreacting? Should we go to the wedding and pretend we aren't offended? Should the value of the wedding gift reflect how upset I am?

I read a few pages of replies and I want to ask the people sticking by the age cutoff: if the groom or bride had a 9 yr old sibling, should they not include them or should they invite all the other little kids so they are not offended by the 9 yr old that they invited?

Not including close family bc of an age cutoff is dumb.

The only thing i can think of is that the bride and groom are total ifiots snd will hopefully outgrow their silliness, but it’ll be after the wedding of course.

Or the bride has lots of younger kids among her family and friends and didn’t want to or couldn’t include them all. So she found a natural age cut off that resolved the issue for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I traveled from Seattle to Princeton NJ for my first cousin's wedding. We actually lived together as kids for a few years. My mother had money, his did not, so we took them in so we were more like brothers than cousins

I only learned we werent invited to the rehearsal dinner about 3 hours before it started.

So, my wife and I traveled 2386 miles, and three time zones, to literally sit in our hotel room while the dinner went on.

We went to the wedding the next day and took the first flight back the next morning. I sent them some towels and never spoke to them again. That was 2000.

They did reach out about 6 or 7 years ago asking if their son could stay with us while touring UW. I never answered him.

You expected to be invited to your cousin’s rehearsal dinner (even though you had no role in the wedding) because your mom had helped his mom out when you were young? Some of you really need to get some help for your pettiness and main character syndrome.

DP. I don't know your culture but in middle class whitebread weddings, out of town family that travelled great distances are ALWAYS invited to the rehearsal dinner. Rehearsal dinners have not been just for the wedding party since about 1982.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had this situation -
Call your nephew and just say - we got the invitation and wanted to see if there is any wiggle room with the invite.
I know it is not within the guidelines of Emily post - but we are way past that.
You clearly have a close enough relationship where he was willing to ask and accept significant money for college so as uncomfortable as it is - just do it.

Hey John, we were excited to receive the wedding invitation but disappointed that _______ was not invited. As you know, we need to fly in for the wedding and was looking forward to connecting with everyone. Is there any flexibility to including ____ in the event? We know you are juggling a lot of demands when creating guest lists - but would appreciate your consideration given the special relationship we have.

I agree with a lot here, and an earlier post that this decision was likely driven by the bride (and almost certainly with specific children in mind). The fact that there is a clear out for them here as to why they would make an exception for one kid (he's a cousin! and the only one they're doing this for) makes this an easier ask. That said...does your 9 year old really want to go to a wedding where there are no kids his age? As someone that was much younger than most of my cousins, I was never accepted into their circles...

I'm not sure we know that there aren't cousins on the bride's side, who are under 16, and thus subject to the same rule. Maybe there are ten of them, and making an exception for OP's kid is going to stir up the hornet's nest.