Is pride really worth losing your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother was a narcissist. She lost me.
I think the "is it worth it" question is one that a NON narcissist would ask.
A narcissist wouldn't...they cannot NOT be a narcissist.

Another view of the "other side." I was her trophy child always.

My mother knew many of my elementary school classmates from carpools for Brownie and Girl Scouts. When I went to my high school reunion, many of them remembered her kindly and asked how she was.

Next day, I called to let her know and started telling her who had remembered her. She cut me off mid-sentence, snarling "I don't care about that. Were you TOP DOG? Did you have the best job?"

So ugly. Yes, I did have the best job. I just said, "have to go now." That was the final nail. Those girls were so happy to ask about her. She always put on a good face in public.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar situation with my spouse's parent married to their stepparent.

They are both mean and disrespectful and deny remembering the bullying behavior as they both are addicts and often blank out when doing drugs and alcohol.

I refuse to speak to them or be in their presence after many years of this behavior. They refuse to apologize or act like they did anything wrong, as they claim they don't recall doing it.

There really isn't much of a way forward, be glad your spouse is supporting you. Mine feels upset about us "not getting along" but that side of the family is seriously messed up and I don't need to tolerate being treated poorly anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it really really weird when family cuts off other family. Invariably when I hear details, there are issues on both sides even if one person is more at fault. I hear a lot of stories of defensive language like ‘they were toxic’ ‘I need boundaries’ etc but the reality is that if the person wasn’t also contributing in some way, they wouldn’t need to be so strident and rigid. I have a family member who is likely mentally ill and has caused tons of drama, but are they cut off? No. I feel sorry for them, realize they are a highly imperfect person and I look for ways to connect that are not high conflict. If I engage with them and fight, what does that say about me? I know I can’t expect them to operate on the same emotional level as I do. And that’s ok.

They/we are connected to each other in various ways and ‘cutting them off’ would impact not only me but others. And to me, that’s selfish and unfair.

Cool story. Are you so morally superior that you can comprehend that situations outside your limited worldview exist? Are you willing to acknowledge that other people have made choices to stop allowing family members to abuse them and that that's ok and it doesn't make those people responsible for the situation?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother was a narcissist. She lost me.
I think the "is it worth it" question is one that a NON narcissist would ask.
A narcissist wouldn't...they cannot NOT be a narcissist.

Another view of the "other side." I was her trophy child always.

My mother knew many of my elementary school classmates from carpools for Brownie and Girl Scouts. When I went to my high school reunion, many of them remembered her kindly and asked how she was.

Next day, I called to let her know and started telling her who had remembered her. She cut me off mid-sentence, snarling "I don't care about that. Were you TOP DOG? Did you have the best job?"

So ugly. Yes, I did have the best job. I just said, "have to go now." That was the final nail. Those girls were so happy to ask about her. She always put on a good face in public.

Wow .. Your moms an OG Mean Mom-Girl
Dayum!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know the other side of the story. My SIL would also call my mom "a narcissist", only because she refused to babysit her kids. They were not her grandkids, she've only seen them twice before the incident, and wasn't comfortable babyssiting kids she barely knew. As a result, our brother got all snippy, that mom ruined his and her plans. I am glad mom stood her ground. So there's barely any relationship now, but to be honest, those two are so toxic, we can live without them in our lives.

Exactly. It’s usually not so black and white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever it is, enjoy the peace. Your MIL sounds like my mom and while I haven’t cut off contact completely, I have finally set boundaries for myself and will not get pulled into the drama anymore. I haven’t felt more free.

Why do you automatically believe this story with its missing details.? She disrespected her son’s wife. Ok, how? Maybe she tired if the wife being petty and complaining all the time. She needed a break. The son is just as stubborn by not trying to mediate for two difficult women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know the other side of the story. My SIL would also call my mom "a narcissist", only because she refused to babysit her kids. They were not her grandkids, she've only seen them twice before the incident, and wasn't comfortable babyssiting kids she barely knew. As a result, our brother got all snippy, that mom ruined his and her plans. I am glad mom stood her ground. So there's barely any relationship now, but to be honest, those two are so toxic, we can live without them in our lives.

Exactly. It’s usually not so black and white.

Literally OP demanded her DH cut off his mom for disrespecting her, so he is also losing family over “pride”.

I’m not judging who is “right” or what “should” be done in this situation but it’s weird that OP can’t have the slightest bit of understanding about the motivations here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know the other side of the story. My SIL would also call my mom "a narcissist", only because she refused to babysit her kids. They were not her grandkids, she've only seen them twice before the incident, and wasn't comfortable babyssiting kids she barely knew. As a result, our brother got all snippy, that mom ruined his and her plans. I am glad mom stood her ground. So there's barely any relationship now, but to be honest, those two are so toxic, we can live without them in our lives.

Exactly. It’s usually not so black and white.

Literally OP demanded her DH cut off his mom for disrespecting her, so he is also losing family over “pride”.

I’m not judging who is “right” or what “should” be done in this situation but it’s weird that OP can’t have the slightest bit of understanding about the motivations here.

Nowhere did the OP say or even imply she was behind the estrangement. You’re projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know the other side of the story. My SIL would also call my mom "a narcissist", only because she refused to babysit her kids. They were not her grandkids, she've only seen them twice before the incident, and wasn't comfortable babyssiting kids she barely knew. As a result, our brother got all snippy, that mom ruined his and her plans. I am glad mom stood her ground. So there's barely any relationship now, but to be honest, those two are so toxic, we can live without them in our lives.

Exactly. It’s usually not so black and white.

Literally OP demanded her DH cut off his mom for disrespecting her, so he is also losing family over “pride”.

I’m not judging who is “right” or what “should” be done in this situation but it’s weird that OP can’t have the slightest bit of understanding about the motivations here.

Nowhere did the OP say or even imply she was behind the estrangement. You’re projecting.

She specifically said the issue arose because of her. If my MIL said something negative to me, I’d be irritated but I would never ever ever want my DH (or my kids) to cut off a relationship with her. And I would suck it up and move on. Life is too short to get hung up on every last mistake by others.

I’m the one who posted above. I’m older so I’ve seen how these things play out long term. It is not just about you and the other person - you are causing a rippling effect of family dysfunction across other families and even down generations. Cut it out and grow the F up, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know the other side of the story. My SIL would also call my mom "a narcissist", only because she refused to babysit her kids. They were not her grandkids, she've only seen them twice before the incident, and wasn't comfortable babyssiting kids she barely knew. As a result, our brother got all snippy, that mom ruined his and her plans. I am glad mom stood her ground. So there's barely any relationship now, but to be honest, those two are so toxic, we can live without them in our lives.

Exactly. It’s usually not so black and white.

Literally OP demanded her DH cut off his mom for disrespecting her, so he is also losing family over “pride”.

I’m not judging who is “right” or what “should” be done in this situation but it’s weird that OP can’t have the slightest bit of understanding about the motivations here.

Nowhere did the OP say or even imply she was behind the estrangement. You’re projecting.

She specifically said the issue arose because of her. If my MIL said something negative to me, I’d be irritated but I would never ever ever want my DH (or my kids) to cut off a relationship with her. And I would suck it up and move on. Life is too short to get hung up on every last mistake by others.

I’m the one who posted above. I’m older so I’ve seen how these things play out long term. It is not just about you and the other person - you are causing a rippling effect of family dysfunction across other families and even down generations. Cut it out and grow the F up, OP

No, YOU grow the F up, you nasty boomers who have no personal accountability. Apologize and you can have your family back, or be stubborn and don't have your family back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know the other side of the story. My SIL would also call my mom "a narcissist", only because she refused to babysit her kids. They were not her grandkids, she've only seen them twice before the incident, and wasn't comfortable babyssiting kids she barely knew. As a result, our brother got all snippy, that mom ruined his and her plans. I am glad mom stood her ground. So there's barely any relationship now, but to be honest, those two are so toxic, we can live without them in our lives.

Exactly. It’s usually not so black and white.

Literally OP demanded her DH cut off his mom for disrespecting her, so he is also losing family over “pride”.

I’m not judging who is “right” or what “should” be done in this situation but it’s weird that OP can’t have the slightest bit of understanding about the motivations here.

Nowhere did the OP say or even imply she was behind the estrangement. You’re projecting.

She specifically said the issue arose because of her. If my MIL said something negative to me, I’d be irritated but I would never ever ever want my DH (or my kids) to cut off a relationship with her. And I would suck it up and move on. Life is too short to get hung up on every last mistake by others.

I’m the one who posted above. I’m older so I’ve seen how these things play out long term. It is not just about you and the other person - you are causing a rippling effect of family dysfunction across other families and even down generations. Cut it out and grow the F up, OP

No, YOU grow the F up, you nasty boomers who have no personal accountability. Apologize and you can have your family back, or be stubborn and don't have your family back.

Sounds like you’re having a teenage tantrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know the other side of the story. My SIL would also call my mom "a narcissist", only because she refused to babysit her kids. They were not her grandkids, she've only seen them twice before the incident, and wasn't comfortable babyssiting kids she barely knew. As a result, our brother got all snippy, that mom ruined his and her plans. I am glad mom stood her ground. So there's barely any relationship now, but to be honest, those two are so toxic, we can live without them in our lives.

Exactly. It’s usually not so black and white.

Literally OP demanded her DH cut off his mom for disrespecting her, so he is also losing family over “pride”.

I’m not judging who is “right” or what “should” be done in this situation but it’s weird that OP can’t have the slightest bit of understanding about the motivations here.

Nowhere did the OP say or even imply she was behind the estrangement. You’re projecting.

She specifically said the issue arose because of her. If my MIL said something negative to me, I’d be irritated but I would never ever ever want my DH (or my kids) to cut off a relationship with her. And I would suck it up and move on. Life is too short to get hung up on every last mistake by others.

I’m the one who posted above. I’m older so I’ve seen how these things play out long term. It is not just about you and the other person - you are causing a rippling effect of family dysfunction across other families and even down generations. Cut it out and grow the F up, OP

DP and you know what, the "ripple effect" will be that nobody has to deal with your s* any more. Hopefully down the generations. You still don't understand that being old doesn't entitle you to be a jerk. As far as the OP goes, her DH told mom to get a grip. She was not present. The MIL proceeded with the silent treatment, very common for you boomers, in a delusion that the one you insulted will come crawling back to YOU with apologies. My mom is also still waiting, we're 2 years in! You never did figure out that at some point your silent treatment will just lead others to realize that it's nice and pleasant when they don't hear from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know the other side of the story. My SIL would also call my mom "a narcissist", only because she refused to babysit her kids. They were not her grandkids, she've only seen them twice before the incident, and wasn't comfortable babyssiting kids she barely knew. As a result, our brother got all snippy, that mom ruined his and her plans. I am glad mom stood her ground. So there's barely any relationship now, but to be honest, those two are so toxic, we can live without them in our lives.

Exactly. It’s usually not so black and white.

Literally OP demanded her DH cut off his mom for disrespecting her, so he is also losing family over “pride”.

I’m not judging who is “right” or what “should” be done in this situation but it’s weird that OP can’t have the slightest bit of understanding about the motivations here.

Nowhere did the OP say or even imply she was behind the estrangement. You’re projecting.

She specifically said the issue arose because of her. If my MIL said something negative to me, I’d be irritated but I would never ever ever want my DH (or my kids) to cut off a relationship with her. And I would suck it up and move on. Life is too short to get hung up on every last mistake by others.

I’m the one who posted above. I’m older so I’ve seen how these things play out long term. It is not just about you and the other person - you are causing a rippling effect of family dysfunction across other families and even down generations. Cut it out and grow the F up, OP

DP and you know what, the "ripple effect" will be that nobody has to deal with your s* any more. Hopefully down the generations. You still don't understand that being old doesn't entitle you to be a jerk. As far as the OP goes, her DH told mom to get a grip. She was not present. The MIL proceeded with the silent treatment, very common for you boomers, in a delusion that the one you insulted will come crawling back to YOU with apologies. My mom is also still waiting, we're 2 years in! You never did figure out that at some point your silent treatment will just lead others to realize that it's nice and pleasant when they don't hear from you.

Also, PP likely can’t imagine the horror of her baby boy taking his *gasp* wife’s side over hers! The audacity! The horror! So of course it’s the wife’s fault and the wife’s prompting and the wife’s encouraging. It couldn’t possibly be that her son was at the end of his rope and her insulting his wife was the last straw. No way!

[Anonymous]

Some people can't apologize. It's a character defect. Normal people apologize immediately, whether they think they're wrong or not. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that." "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I made you feel that way, that was not my intention" etc. This is a normal part of life among healthy people. Your MIL is f'd up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people can't apologize. It's a character defect. Normal people apologize immediately, whether they think they're wrong or not. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that." "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I made you feel that way, that was not my intention" etc. This is a normal part of life among healthy people. Your MIL is f'd up.

They type of person who would say something disrespectful in an attempt to manipulate their child is not surprisingly the same type of person who wouldn’t apologize.