Is pride really worth losing your family?

[Anonymous]

Narcissism. Apologizing would feel like an annihilation. Remaining a victim feels safer.

[Anonymous]

There are two pieces to this kind of behavior. Posters have already touched on them both but I just want to bring them together:

1) The refusal to apologize. When people refuse to apologize, they generally see even the implied admission of fault as too threatening to their conception of self. So even an apology like "I'm so sorry I hurt you, it wasn't my intention but I have to take responsibility for it" is scary to them because they may see themselves as infallible. I think in a parent-child relationship, apologizing to a child can be threatening to a parent who views it as their *job* as a parent to be right. Being vulnerable and accepting that they make mistakes (like we all do) or may have things to work on (like we all do) is frightening. Some people might describe this mix of emotions as shame, and the refusal to apologize as a shame response.

2) Lack of respect for the other person. This is obviously closely linked to the first part, but it is still separate because most people will apologize or take responsibility sometimes. For instance, your MIL likely would have apologized to her own parents. In a work setting, she'd likely apologize to a superior. There are probably members of her community she'd apologize, if she viewed them as having higher status than her.

When someone refuses to apologize to a family member or friend, it indicates that they have a strict sense of hierarchy about the relationship. You are not equals. She is on top. She is apologized to, you are the apologizer. Apologizing to you upends that dynamic and, in her mind, lowers her to what she perceives is your level. Again, in a parent-child relationship, some parents believe the parent must always be right. Well similarly, this means the parent is always on top. The relationship flows in one direction.

So the upshot is that she does not respect your husband, or you, and does not feel should have to apologize to people she does not respect. Take what you will from this.

[Anonymous]

She is not in control of your own behavior and feeling. Not everyone has a flexible brain.
She is not doing it to herself. Something inside of her is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this and her thing was she never thought a parent should have to apologize to a child for anything. And she did some really hurtful stuff. But, she's dead now and I'd take her back warts and all. It's complicated. I miss her every day.

Your hindsight is foggy. You wouldn’t take back the warts, or you would have when she was alive. You are grieving the version of the mother you wish you had, the one you desperately tried to draw out and never will. That’s who you miss.

No. Not really. I learned how to manage her and protect myself at the same time. It worked. And when it didn't I took long breaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this and her thing was she never thought a parent should have to apologize to a child for anything. And she did some really hurtful stuff. But, she's dead now and I'd take her back warts and all. It's complicated. I miss her every day.

Your hindsight is foggy. You wouldn’t take back the warts, or you would have when she was alive. You are grieving the version of the mother you wish you had, the one you desperately tried to draw out and never will. That’s who you miss.

Huh? This poster never said she rejected her when she was alive. She's not the OP.

The sentiment is all the same. She’s not grieving warty mom; she’s grieving the mom she wanted but could never summon.

And you know this, how?

You think she misses the abuse? You think she misses the “really hurtful stuff”? No. She is grieving the mom she never had. She would “take her back, warts and all” so she could continue trying to find that version of the mom she needs.

You have no idea. My mom could be cruel to me but she was great with my kids, husband, her other grandkids, etc. But she was extremely difficult with her own kids. We still miss her and would take the good with the bad just to have her back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this and her thing was she never thought a parent should have to apologize to a child for anything. And she did some really hurtful stuff. But, she's dead now and I'd take her back warts and all. It's complicated. I miss her every day.

Your hindsight is foggy. You wouldn’t take back the warts, or you would have when she was alive. You are grieving the version of the mother you wish you had, the one you desperately tried to draw out and never will. That’s who you miss.

Huh? This poster never said she rejected her when she was alive. She's not the OP.

The sentiment is all the same. She’s not grieving warty mom; she’s grieving the mom she wanted but could never summon.

And you know this, how?

DP but this is all very standard grief stuff. Incredibly common for people to feel this way. Similar to how moms forget the pain of childbirth and hold onto the good parts. It's easier (and less painful) to look back and remember the good times, suppressing all the negative thoughts. You know the saying "dont talk ill of the dead".

[Anonymous]

Meh take the win. If she cares so little for her child and grandchild that she won't apologize for her wrongs, you are better off without her.

Are your parents more involved? I'd focus on your childrens relationship with their maternal grandparents. Post lots of pictures on FB

[Anonymous]

My husband's grandmother cut one daughter out of her life because she lied about where her college-age sister was one night. For the rest of her life, grandma was no-contact with this daughter, which maybe she didn't mind because she had five other kids and a slew of grandkids.

My husband maintains that she was mentally ill, and knowing what I now know, I believe it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's grandmother cut one daughter out of her life because she lied about where her college-age sister was one night. For the rest of her life, grandma was no-contact with this daughter, which maybe she didn't mind because she had five other kids and a slew of grandkids.

My husband maintains that she was mentally ill, and knowing what I now know, I believe it.

Wait, so she cut off one daughter who was covering for the other daughter, but not the other daughter who was out and about not where she said she was?

[Anonymous]

Agree w narcissism. Read up on it, they can never admit they are wrong. It’s hard to accept but once you understand it’s much easier to handle that complete lack of accountability.

[Anonymous]

Whatever it is, enjoy the peace. Your MIL sounds like my mom and while I haven’t cut off contact completely, I have finally set boundaries for myself and will not get pulled into the drama anymore. I haven’t felt more free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying to understand a situation in our family and would appreciate perspective, especially from those who’ve seen similar dynamics.

DH has always had a complicated relationship with his mom. There’s a long pattern of DARVO behavior from her. Historically he’s tolerated it. Recently, she crossed a line by disrespecting me in a way that was clearly intended to manipulate him. He told her they were done unless she could take accountability, apologize, and make it right.

It’s been a year today. No holidays, no visits. DH has siblings but our kids are her only grandkids. From the outside, it feels like she’s choosing being “right” (or being the victim) over having a relationship with her son and grandchildren. I genuinely don’t understand that mindset. If you care about your family, wouldn’t you at least attempt repair?

For those who’ve experienced something similar: what drives this? Pride? Control? Something else? I’m trying to make sense of it.

If someone has gone no contact with you for a year, they just don’t want a relationship with you. They don’t enjoy your company. They enjoy their life more without you than with you. They remember the recent time spent with you as an obligation, frustrating, uncomfortable or anger provoking. It doesn’t matter at all who was right or wrong they simply don’t want to be with you. They aren’t sentimental or nostalgic enough to keep pretending.

You mean DH, correct? Sure! But what about his mom? She’s had 12 months to eat crow, and at the very minimum, feign an apology. She hasn’t. Why?

You don't seem to see that you are what has caused the problem. MIL not liking you and DH defending you. She would rather not be with grandkids and her son than have to be with you. We have someone like this in our family. There is nothing wrong with her, she just doesn't fit with us--and we like our dynamic. We've gotten to the point where none of us try anymore.

[Anonymous]

I’m on year four of no contact w a parent. After years of really foul treatment that spilled over to my spouse and kids I said no more.

I don’t want an apology. I simply don’t want a relationship w someone who continues to treat others as such.

Took therapy and a lot of courage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m on year four of no contact w a parent. After years of really foul treatment that spilled over to my spouse and kids I said no more.

I don’t want an apology. I simply don’t want a relationship w someone who continues to treat others as such.

Took therapy and a lot of courage.

This is me w my sibling.

I made the same decision to be no more with my sibling. THEN they said they were sorry…”but…” everything. I told them I don’t want an apology, I don’t want contact anymore.

It’s like you get to a point where the anger and sadness and hope path because they’ve gotten so far and so bad that you’re just neutral and want it to be over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m on year four of no contact w a parent. After years of really foul treatment that spilled over to my spouse and kids I said no more.

I don’t want an apology. I simply don’t want a relationship w someone who continues to treat others as such.

Took therapy and a lot of courage.

This is me w my sibling.

I made the same decision to be no more with my sibling. THEN they said they were sorry…”but…” everything. I told them I don’t want an apology, I don’t want contact anymore.

It’s like you get to a point where the anger and sadness and hope path because they’ve gotten so far and so bad that you’re just neutral and want it to be over.

I absolutely understand.
If you haven’t considered therapy .. consider it. ❤️