Is pride really worth losing your family?

[Anonymous]

Are there any healthy families out there? Or are there only people adept at navigating through all of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is how some parents are. She doesn’t think parents apologize. In her mind, she’s thinking just what you are - why is my son so stubborn that he can’t just get over this? Gosh, he’s so sensitive and he and his wife make a big deal about everything. I can’t believe he’s willing to lose his mother over this.

Not agreeing with her! But this is what she’s thinking. My mother is similar and this is exactly what she thinks.

OP’s MIL FAFO’d! It’s funny, but I’ll be here long after DH’s 70+ mother will. It makes me think of Taylor Swift’s Father Figure: “You made a deal with this devil, turns out my d***’s bigger!”

This is such a weird response to me. Estrangement is sad. It’s sad that some people treat other family abusively and are unwilling/unable to stop. It’s sad that some people jump to estrangement over things that are manageable. Sometimes it’s necessary but you can’t really claim the high ground when you’re making gross statements like this.

You consistently trivialize the reasons for estrangement. I don't know a single person who is estranged over something trivial. You are intentionally deceptive. Get therapy for yourself.

Then why are they asking for a simple apology for all to be forgiven and access to grandkids restored? Doesn’t sound like a serious problem it sounds like one person trying to control another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is how some parents are. She doesn’t think parents apologize. In her mind, she’s thinking just what you are - why is my son so stubborn that he can’t just get over this? Gosh, he’s so sensitive and he and his wife make a big deal about everything. I can’t believe he’s willing to lose his mother over this.

Not agreeing with her! But this is what she’s thinking. My mother is similar and this is exactly what she thinks.

OP’s MIL FAFO’d! It’s funny, but I’ll be here long after DH’s 70+ mother will. It makes me think of Taylor Swift’s Father Figure: “You made a deal with this devil, turns out my d***’s bigger!”

This is such a weird response to me. Estrangement is sad. It’s sad that some people treat other family abusively and are unwilling/unable to stop. It’s sad that some people jump to estrangement over things that are manageable. Sometimes it’s necessary but you can’t really claim the high ground when you’re making gross statements like this.

You consistently trivialize the reasons for estrangement. I don't know a single person who is estranged over something trivial. You are intentionally deceptive. Get therapy for yourself.

Then why are they asking for a simple apology for all to be forgiven and access to grandkids restored? Doesn’t sound like a serious problem it sounds like one person trying to control another.

Then why can't she just apologize instead of wanting to win at any cost?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is how some parents are. She doesn’t think parents apologize. In her mind, she’s thinking just what you are - why is my son so stubborn that he can’t just get over this? Gosh, he’s so sensitive and he and his wife make a big deal about everything. I can’t believe he’s willing to lose his mother over this.

Not agreeing with her! But this is what she’s thinking. My mother is similar and this is exactly what she thinks.

OP’s MIL FAFO’d! It’s funny, but I’ll be here long after DH’s 70+ mother will. It makes me think of Taylor Swift’s Father Figure: “You made a deal with this devil, turns out my d***’s bigger!”

This is such a weird response to me. Estrangement is sad. It’s sad that some people treat other family abusively and are unwilling/unable to stop. It’s sad that some people jump to estrangement over things that are manageable. Sometimes it’s necessary but you can’t really claim the high ground when you’re making gross statements like this.

You consistently trivialize the reasons for estrangement. I don't know a single person who is estranged over something trivial. You are intentionally deceptive. Get therapy for yourself.

Then why are they asking for a simple apology for all to be forgiven and access to grandkids restored? Doesn’t sound like a serious problem it sounds like one person trying to control another.

Then why can't she just apologize instead of wanting to win at any cost?

Because the power struggle is gross and sounds toxic. Apologize for what? If it wasn’t that bad that an apology would smooth it over then it wasn’t that bad in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is how some parents are. She doesn’t think parents apologize. In her mind, she’s thinking just what you are - why is my son so stubborn that he can’t just get over this? Gosh, he’s so sensitive and he and his wife make a big deal about everything. I can’t believe he’s willing to lose his mother over this.

Not agreeing with her! But this is what she’s thinking. My mother is similar and this is exactly what she thinks.

OP’s MIL FAFO’d! It’s funny, but I’ll be here long after DH’s 70+ mother will. It makes me think of Taylor Swift’s Father Figure: “You made a deal with this devil, turns out my d***’s bigger!”

This is such a weird response to me. Estrangement is sad. It’s sad that some people treat other family abusively and are unwilling/unable to stop. It’s sad that some people jump to estrangement over things that are manageable. Sometimes it’s necessary but you can’t really claim the high ground when you’re making gross statements like this.

You consistently trivialize the reasons for estrangement. I don't know a single person who is estranged over something trivial. You are intentionally deceptive. Get therapy for yourself.

Then why are they asking for a simple apology for all to be forgiven and access to grandkids restored? Doesn’t sound like a serious problem it sounds like one person trying to control another.

Then why can't she just apologize instead of wanting to win at any cost?

Because the power struggle is gross and sounds toxic. Apologize for what? If it wasn’t that bad that an apology would smooth it over then it wasn’t that bad in the first place.

I already posted this upthread, but normal people apologize reflexivley when they hurt someone, even if it's accidental or they have no idea why the person is hurt. "I'm so sorry, that must have been hurtful and I did not mean that." "I'm sorry I made you feel that way, that was not my intention" etc. These are just normal healthy responses even if they're lies (ie, even if they DID mean what they said or mean to be hurtful). Apologies are the grease we all need to keep the wheels moving. Get used to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is how some parents are. She doesn’t think parents apologize. In her mind, she’s thinking just what you are - why is my son so stubborn that he can’t just get over this? Gosh, he’s so sensitive and he and his wife make a big deal about everything. I can’t believe he’s willing to lose his mother over this.

Not agreeing with her! But this is what she’s thinking. My mother is similar and this is exactly what she thinks.

OP’s MIL FAFO’d! It’s funny, but I’ll be here long after DH’s 70+ mother will. It makes me think of Taylor Swift’s Father Figure: “You made a deal with this devil, turns out my d***’s bigger!”

This is such a weird response to me. Estrangement is sad. It’s sad that some people treat other family abusively and are unwilling/unable to stop. It’s sad that some people jump to estrangement over things that are manageable. Sometimes it’s necessary but you can’t really claim the high ground when you’re making gross statements like this.

You consistently trivialize the reasons for estrangement. I don't know a single person who is estranged over something trivial. You are intentionally deceptive. Get therapy for yourself.

Then why are they asking for a simple apology for all to be forgiven and access to grandkids restored? Doesn’t sound like a serious problem it sounds like one person trying to control another.

Then why can't she just apologize instead of wanting to win at any cost?

Because the power struggle is gross and sounds toxic. Apologize for what? If it wasn’t that bad that an apology would smooth it over then it wasn’t that bad in the first place.

I already posted this upthread, but normal people apologize reflexivley when they hurt someone, even if it's accidental or they have no idea why the person is hurt. "I'm so sorry, that must have been hurtful and I did not mean that." "I'm sorry I made you feel that way, that was not my intention" etc. These are just normal healthy responses even if they're lies (ie, even if they DID mean what they said or mean to be hurtful). Apologies are the grease we all need to keep the wheels moving. Get used to it.

But then the whining about the other person “winning” because they don’t accept your terms. You sound nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree w narcissism. Read up on it, they can never admit they are wrong. It’s hard to accept but once you understand it’s much easier to handle that complete lack of accountability.

+1. Narcissism. Nothing can ever be their fault, but nothing can ever be their responsibility either. They go through life thinking they are the victims and they don't control of anything. I think it's easier to be weak than to try and fail, bc of the narcissist, failure is the most shameful thing of all. They are the meanest people you will ever meet, but often back right down like a wounded animal when confronted. Count your lucky stars you're free.

Np I've been no contact with my mom as well. Everything you wrote is spot on. Sad that there are a lot of us with those types of parents. My dad was also a narcissist but, he died many years ago

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never understood why some people demand apologies from people. She’s not sorry. That’s why she’s not apologizing. It’s that simple. Maybe she doesn’t like you.

But I think you were wrong to cut off access to the grandkids. Did she do anything to them? It’s too late for that now but I feel it’s always wrong to put kids in the middle.

I do not speak to my SIL for something that happened between us. I would NEVER try to prevent my kids from having a relationship with their aunt. I don’t speak bad of her to them. They are teens now and can text her and visit her without me.

DP. I'm sorry but you cannot seriously think that you go and insult your DIL, the MOTHER of your grandchildren and then have access to them. Who would be giving you that access? The insulted DIL or her husband, your DH, who is also put off that his mother insults his wife? At some point an adult must take responsibility. Sure, you can insult whomever you want, but this comes with consequences. Nobody owes you anything. Certainly not any access. It's strange to have to spell this out to another adult.

[Anonymous]

*your DS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never understood why some people demand apologies from people. She’s not sorry. That’s why she’s not apologizing. It’s that simple. Maybe she doesn’t like you.

But I think you were wrong to cut off access to the grandkids. Did she do anything to them? It’s too late for that now but I feel it’s always wrong to put kids in the middle.

I do not speak to my SIL for something that happened between us. I would NEVER try to prevent my kids from having a relationship with their aunt. I don’t speak bad of her to them. They are teens now and can text her and visit her without me.

DP. I'm sorry but you cannot seriously think that you go and insult your DIL, the MOTHER of your grandchildren and then have access to them. Who would be giving you that access? The insulted DIL or her husband, your DH, who is also put off that his mother insults his wife? At some point an adult must take responsibility. Sure, you can insult whomever you want, but this comes with consequences. Nobody owes you anything. Certainly not any access. It's strange to have to spell this out to another adult.

So cut her off? But getting pissed that she doesn’t care suggests you aren’t serious about cutting her off and it was an empty threat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never understood why some people demand apologies from people. She’s not sorry. That’s why she’s not apologizing. It’s that simple. Maybe she doesn’t like you.

But I think you were wrong to cut off access to the grandkids. Did she do anything to them? It’s too late for that now but I feel it’s always wrong to put kids in the middle.

I do not speak to my SIL for something that happened between us. I would NEVER try to prevent my kids from having a relationship with their aunt. I don’t speak bad of her to them. They are teens now and can text her and visit her without me.

DP. I'm sorry but you cannot seriously think that you go and insult your DIL, the MOTHER of your grandchildren and then have access to them. Who would be giving you that access? The insulted DIL or her husband, your DH, who is also put off that his mother insults his wife? At some point an adult must take responsibility. Sure, you can insult whomever you want, but this comes with consequences. Nobody owes you anything. Certainly not any access. It's strange to have to spell this out to another adult.

So cut her off? But getting pissed that she doesn’t care suggests you aren’t serious about cutting her off and it was an empty threat.

Well, looks like from a practical point of view the MIL is cut off. That's what the whole thread is about, is pride really worth losing your family? This seems to happen when a personality disordered person starts her silent treatment, imagining that the one she insulted comes crawling back to her, and it doesn't happen. The result is being cut-off without any grand announcements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is how some parents are. She doesn’t think parents apologize. In her mind, she’s thinking just what you are - why is my son so stubborn that he can’t just get over this? Gosh, he’s so sensitive and he and his wife make a big deal about everything. I can’t believe he’s willing to lose his mother over this.

Not agreeing with her! But this is what she’s thinking. My mother is similar and this is exactly what she thinks.

OP’s MIL FAFO’d! It’s funny, but I’ll be here long after DH’s 70+ mother will. It makes me think of Taylor Swift’s Father Figure: “You made a deal with this devil, turns out my d***’s bigger!”

This is such a weird response to me. Estrangement is sad. It’s sad that some people treat other family abusively and are unwilling/unable to stop. It’s sad that some people jump to estrangement over things that are manageable. Sometimes it’s necessary but you can’t really claim the high ground when you’re making gross statements like this.

You consistently trivialize the reasons for estrangement. I don't know a single person who is estranged over something trivial. You are intentionally deceptive. Get therapy for yourself.

Then why are they asking for a simple apology for all to be forgiven and access to grandkids restored? Doesn’t sound like a serious problem it sounds like one person trying to control another.

The OP says “ take accountability, apologize, and make it right.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never understood why some people demand apologies from people. She’s not sorry. That’s why she’s not apologizing. It’s that simple. Maybe she doesn’t like you.

But I think you were wrong to cut off access to the grandkids. Did she do anything to them? It’s too late for that now but I feel it’s always wrong to put kids in the middle.

I do not speak to my SIL for something that happened between us. I would NEVER try to prevent my kids from having a relationship with their aunt. I don’t speak bad of her to them. They are teens now and can text her and visit her without me.

DP. I'm sorry but you cannot seriously think that you go and insult your DIL, the MOTHER of your grandchildren and then have access to them. Who would be giving you that access? The insulted DIL or her husband, your DH, who is also put off that his mother insults his wife? At some point an adult must take responsibility. Sure, you can insult whomever you want, but this comes with consequences. Nobody owes you anything. Certainly not any access. It's strange to have to spell this out to another adult.

So cut her off? But getting pissed that she doesn’t care suggests you aren’t serious about cutting her off and it was an empty threat.

It’s very clear that it wasn’t the OP who “cut her off”, as you keep saying. There is no evidence of that. Some awful wife who forced her DH to cut off his mom wouldn’t be posting and introspective question such as “is pride really worth losing your family”. I think it’s really sad that you can’t relate to a scenario where, if someone disrespected you, your husband wouldn’t go to bat for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never understood why some people demand apologies from people. She’s not sorry. That’s why she’s not apologizing. It’s that simple. Maybe she doesn’t like you.

But I think you were wrong to cut off access to the grandkids. Did she do anything to them? It’s too late for that now but I feel it’s always wrong to put kids in the middle.

I do not speak to my SIL for something that happened between us. I would NEVER try to prevent my kids from having a relationship with their aunt. I don’t speak bad of her to them. They are teens now and can text her and visit her without me.

DP. I'm sorry but you cannot seriously think that you go and insult your DIL, the MOTHER of your grandchildren and then have access to them. Who would be giving you that access? The insulted DIL or her husband, your DH, who is also put off that his mother insults his wife? At some point an adult must take responsibility. Sure, you can insult whomever you want, but this comes with consequences. Nobody owes you anything. Certainly not any access. It's strange to have to spell this out to another adult.

So cut her off? But getting pissed that she doesn’t care suggests you aren’t serious about cutting her off and it was an empty threat.

It’s very clear that it wasn’t the OP who “cut her off”, as you keep saying. There is no evidence of that. Some awful wife who forced her DH to cut off his mom wouldn’t be posting and introspective question such as “is pride really worth losing your family”. I think it’s really sad that you can’t relate to a scenario where, if someone disrespected you, your husband wouldn’t go to bat for you.

I presume they are a united front and OP isn't sending cards or photos of the kids to the MIL on the side. But deciding that the other party must apologize and then getting upset when they don't is stupid. OP and her husband and suffering from the consequences of their own decision. I guess MIL called their bluff. And it's not sad or anything b/c I don't know these people and don't give a rat's ass about any of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never understood why some people demand apologies from people. She’s not sorry. That’s why she’s not apologizing. It’s that simple. Maybe she doesn’t like you.

But I think you were wrong to cut off access to the grandkids. Did she do anything to them? It’s too late for that now but I feel it’s always wrong to put kids in the middle.

I do not speak to my SIL for something that happened between us. I would NEVER try to prevent my kids from having a relationship with their aunt. I don’t speak bad of her to them. They are teens now and can text her and visit her without me.

DP. I'm sorry but you cannot seriously think that you go and insult your DIL, the MOTHER of your grandchildren and then have access to them. Who would be giving you that access? The insulted DIL or her husband, your DH, who is also put off that his mother insults his wife? At some point an adult must take responsibility. Sure, you can insult whomever you want, but this comes with consequences. Nobody owes you anything. Certainly not any access. It's strange to have to spell this out to another adult.

So cut her off? But getting pissed that she doesn’t care suggests you aren’t serious about cutting her off and it was an empty threat.

It’s very clear that it wasn’t the OP who “cut her off”, as you keep saying. There is no evidence of that. Some awful wife who forced her DH to cut off his mom wouldn’t be posting and introspective question such as “is pride really worth losing your family”. I think it’s really sad that you can’t relate to a scenario where, if someone disrespected you, your husband wouldn’t go to bat for you.

I presume they are a united front and OP isn't sending cards or photos of the kids to the MIL on the side. But deciding that the other party must apologize and then getting upset when they don't is stupid. OP and her husband and suffering from the consequences of their own decision. I guess MIL called their bluff. And it's not sad or anything b/c I don't know these people and don't give a rat's ass about any of them.

Of course it’s sad to realize someone’s pride (or whatever is driving them) matters more to them than a relationship with their own son and grandchildren. That’s a painful thing to come to terms with. It’s not about “calling a bluff”, it’s about seeing where someone’s priorities really are.

At the same time, feeling that sadness doesn’t automatically mean they regret setting a boundary. Two things can be true: they can be grieving what they hoped that relationship would be, and still feel more at peace now than they did when there was constant disrespect.