Is pride really worth losing your family?

[Anonymous]

Trying to understand a situation in our family and would appreciate perspective, especially from those who’ve seen similar dynamics.

DH has always had a complicated relationship with his mom. There’s a long pattern of DARVO behavior from her. Historically he’s tolerated it. Recently, she crossed a line by disrespecting me in a way that was clearly intended to manipulate him. He told her they were done unless she could take accountability, apologize, and make it right.

It’s been a year today. No holidays, no visits. DH has siblings but our kids are her only grandkids. From the outside, it feels like she’s choosing being “right” (or being the victim) over having a relationship with her son and grandchildren. I genuinely don’t understand that mindset. If you care about your family, wouldn’t you at least attempt repair?

For those who’ve experienced something similar: what drives this? Pride? Control? Something else? I’m trying to make sense of it.

[Anonymous]

Narcissism

[Anonymous]

My mom was like this and her thing was she never thought a parent should have to apologize to a child for anything. And she did some really hurtful stuff. But, she's dead now and I'd take her back warts and all. It's complicated. I miss her every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this and her thing was she never thought a parent should have to apologize to a child for anything. And she did some really hurtful stuff. But, she's dead now and I'd take her back warts and all. It's complicated. I miss her every day.

Your hindsight is foggy. You wouldn’t take back the warts, or you would have when she was alive. You are grieving the version of the mother you wish you had, the one you desperately tried to draw out and never will. That’s who you miss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this and her thing was she never thought a parent should have to apologize to a child for anything. And she did some really hurtful stuff. But, she's dead now and I'd take her back warts and all. It's complicated. I miss her every day.

Your hindsight is foggy. You wouldn’t take back the warts, or you would have when she was alive. You are grieving the version of the mother you wish you had, the one you desperately tried to draw out and never will. That’s who you miss.

Huh? This poster never said she rejected her when she was alive. She's not the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trying to understand a situation in our family and would appreciate perspective, especially from those who’ve seen similar dynamics.

DH has always had a complicated relationship with his mom. There’s a long pattern of DARVO behavior from her. Historically he’s tolerated it. Recently, she crossed a line by disrespecting me in a way that was clearly intended to manipulate him. He told her they were done unless she could take accountability, apologize, and make it right.

It’s been a year today. No holidays, no visits. DH has siblings but our kids are her only grandkids. From the outside, it feels like she’s choosing being “right” (or being the victim) over having a relationship with her son and grandchildren. I genuinely don’t understand that mindset. If you care about your family, wouldn’t you at least attempt repair?

For those who’ve experienced something similar: what drives this? Pride? Control? Something else? I’m trying to make sense of it.

If someone has gone no contact with you for a year, they just don’t want a relationship with you. They don’t enjoy your company. They enjoy their life more without you than with you. They remember the recent time spent with you as an obligation, frustrating, uncomfortable or anger provoking. It doesn’t matter at all who was right or wrong they simply don’t want to be with you. They aren’t sentimental or nostalgic enough to keep pretending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this and her thing was she never thought a parent should have to apologize to a child for anything. And she did some really hurtful stuff. But, she's dead now and I'd take her back warts and all. It's complicated. I miss her every day.

Your hindsight is foggy. You wouldn’t take back the warts, or you would have when she was alive. You are grieving the version of the mother you wish you had, the one you desperately tried to draw out and never will. That’s who you miss.

Huh? This poster never said she rejected her when she was alive. She's not the OP.

The sentiment is all the same. She’s not grieving warty mom; she’s grieving the mom she wanted but could never summon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying to understand a situation in our family and would appreciate perspective, especially from those who’ve seen similar dynamics.

DH has always had a complicated relationship with his mom. There’s a long pattern of DARVO behavior from her. Historically he’s tolerated it. Recently, she crossed a line by disrespecting me in a way that was clearly intended to manipulate him. He told her they were done unless she could take accountability, apologize, and make it right.

It’s been a year today. No holidays, no visits. DH has siblings but our kids are her only grandkids. From the outside, it feels like she’s choosing being “right” (or being the victim) over having a relationship with her son and grandchildren. I genuinely don’t understand that mindset. If you care about your family, wouldn’t you at least attempt repair?

For those who’ve experienced something similar: what drives this? Pride? Control? Something else? I’m trying to make sense of it.

If someone has gone no contact with you for a year, they just don’t want a relationship with you. They don’t enjoy your company. They enjoy their life more without you than with you. They remember the recent time spent with you as an obligation, frustrating, uncomfortable or anger provoking. It doesn’t matter at all who was right or wrong they simply don’t want to be with you. They aren’t sentimental or nostalgic enough to keep pretending.

You mean DH, correct? Sure! But what about his mom? She’s had 12 months to eat crow, and at the very minimum, feign an apology. She hasn’t. Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this and her thing was she never thought a parent should have to apologize to a child for anything. And she did some really hurtful stuff. But, she's dead now and I'd take her back warts and all. It's complicated. I miss her every day.

Your hindsight is foggy. You wouldn’t take back the warts, or you would have when she was alive. You are grieving the version of the mother you wish you had, the one you desperately tried to draw out and never will. That’s who you miss.

Huh? This poster never said she rejected her when she was alive. She's not the OP.

The sentiment is all the same. She’s not grieving warty mom; she’s grieving the mom she wanted but could never summon.

And you know this, how?

[Anonymous]

She hasn’t because she loves herself more than her grandkids. And the “cost” of being in their lives is too high for her. She sounds mentally ill, so at some point there is no logic to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this and her thing was she never thought a parent should have to apologize to a child for anything. And she did some really hurtful stuff. But, she's dead now and I'd take her back warts and all. It's complicated. I miss her every day.

Your hindsight is foggy. You wouldn’t take back the warts, or you would have when she was alive. You are grieving the version of the mother you wish you had, the one you desperately tried to draw out and never will. That’s who you miss.

Huh? This poster never said she rejected her when she was alive. She's not the OP.

The sentiment is all the same. She’s not grieving warty mom; she’s grieving the mom she wanted but could never summon.

And you know this, how?

You think she misses the abuse? You think she misses the “really hurtful stuff”? No. She is grieving the mom she never had. She would “take her back, warts and all” so she could continue trying to find that version of the mom she needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying to understand a situation in our family and would appreciate perspective, especially from those who’ve seen similar dynamics.

DH has always had a complicated relationship with his mom. There’s a long pattern of DARVO behavior from her. Historically he’s tolerated it. Recently, she crossed a line by disrespecting me in a way that was clearly intended to manipulate him. He told her they were done unless she could take accountability, apologize, and make it right.

It’s been a year today. No holidays, no visits. DH has siblings but our kids are her only grandkids. From the outside, it feels like she’s choosing being “right” (or being the victim) over having a relationship with her son and grandchildren. I genuinely don’t understand that mindset. If you care about your family, wouldn’t you at least attempt repair?

For those who’ve experienced something similar: what drives this? Pride? Control? Something else? I’m trying to make sense of it.

If someone has gone no contact with you for a year, they just don’t want a relationship with you. They don’t enjoy your company. They enjoy their life more without you than with you. They remember the recent time spent with you as an obligation, frustrating, uncomfortable or anger provoking. It doesn’t matter at all who was right or wrong they simply don’t want to be with you. They aren’t sentimental or nostalgic enough to keep pretending.

You mean DH, correct? Sure! But what about his mom? She’s had 12 months to eat crow, and at the very minimum, feign an apology. She hasn’t. Why?

She’s not sorry! She doesn’t see spending time with your family as worth it. Many grandparents really do not care about their grandchildren. Once the novelty wears off if the grandchildren don’t do anything for the grandparent then what is the point? Old people get extremely selfish. In their minds, relationships are often no longer two way streets, it’s what have you done for me lately.

[Anonymous]

Call it pride, or stubbornness, or whatever. Whatever it is, it's a win-win! You and your nuclear family finally get some peace and quiet, and she gets to sit in solitary grandeur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying to understand a situation in our family and would appreciate perspective, especially from those who’ve seen similar dynamics.

DH has always had a complicated relationship with his mom. There’s a long pattern of DARVO behavior from her. Historically he’s tolerated it. Recently, she crossed a line by disrespecting me in a way that was clearly intended to manipulate him. He told her they were done unless she could take accountability, apologize, and make it right.

It’s been a year today. No holidays, no visits. DH has siblings but our kids are her only grandkids. From the outside, it feels like she’s choosing being “right” (or being the victim) over having a relationship with her son and grandchildren. I genuinely don’t understand that mindset. If you care about your family, wouldn’t you at least attempt repair?

For those who’ve experienced something similar: what drives this? Pride? Control? Something else? I’m trying to make sense of it.

If someone has gone no contact with you for a year, they just don’t want a relationship with you. They don’t enjoy your company. They enjoy their life more without you than with you. They remember the recent time spent with you as an obligation, frustrating, uncomfortable or anger provoking. It doesn’t matter at all who was right or wrong they simply don’t want to be with you. They aren’t sentimental or nostalgic enough to keep pretending.

You mean DH, correct? Sure! But what about his mom? She’s had 12 months to eat crow, and at the very minimum, feign an apology. She hasn’t. Why?

She’s not sorry! She doesn’t see spending time with your family as worth it. Many grandparents really do not care about their grandchildren. Once the novelty wears off if the grandchildren don’t do anything for the grandparent then what is the point? Old people get extremely selfish. In their minds, relationships are often no longer two way streets, it’s what have you done for me lately.

Ah! Gotcha! This actually makes sense. The funny thing is, she was QUEEN of, “I miss you guys so much, let’s get together!” But perhaps she only enjoyed the attention, not the actual relationship. Well, clearly. I can’t imagine nothing every single thing I could to get back in contact with my kids, if I had said something to offend them. I guess that’s why I just don’t get it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call it pride, or stubbornness, or whatever. Whatever it is, it's a win-win! You and your nuclear family finally get some peace and quiet, and she gets to sit in solitary grandeur.

It’s a level of peace that I didn’t realize we were missing. Or, a level of chaos I hadn’t realized was so abundant!