Is pride really worth losing your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is how some parents are. She doesn’t think parents apologize. In her mind, she’s thinking just what you are - why is my son so stubborn that he can’t just get over this? Gosh, he’s so sensitive and he and his wife make a big deal about everything. I can’t believe he’s willing to lose his mother over this.

Not agreeing with her! But this is what she’s thinking. My mother is similar and this is exactly what she thinks.

OP’s MIL FAFO’d! It’s funny, but I’ll be here long after DH’s 70+ mother will. It makes me think of Taylor Swift’s Father Figure: “You made a deal with this devil, turns out my d***’s bigger!”

This is such a weird response to me. Estrangement is sad. It’s sad that some people treat other family abusively and are unwilling/unable to stop. It’s sad that some people jump to estrangement over things that are manageable. Sometimes it’s necessary but you can’t really claim the high ground when you’re making gross statements like this.

You consistently trivialize the reasons for estrangement. I don't know a single person who is estranged over something trivial. You are intentionally deceptive. Get therapy for yourself.

Then why are they asking for a simple apology for all to be forgiven and access to grandkids restored? Doesn’t sound like a serious problem it sounds like one person trying to control another.

Agree. Most people want an apology but also want it to never happen again or want it to never happen again much more. Its the safety not the apology that is needed most. If people can't apologize though they also can't correct.

A lot of times you can tell who is more toxic by the things they need in order to have peace. Those who demand perfection from others or those that want others to accept large or regular abuses are the toxic ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never understood why some people demand apologies from people. She’s not sorry. That’s why she’s not apologizing. It’s that simple. Maybe she doesn’t like you.

But I think you were wrong to cut off access to the grandkids. Did she do anything to them? It’s too late for that now but I feel it’s always wrong to put kids in the middle.

I do not speak to my SIL for something that happened between us. I would NEVER try to prevent my kids from having a relationship with their aunt. I don’t speak bad of her to them. They are teens now and can text her and visit her without me.

DP. I'm sorry but you cannot seriously think that you go and insult your DIL, the MOTHER of your grandchildren and then have access to them. Who would be giving you that access? The insulted DIL or her husband, your DH, who is also put off that his mother insults his wife? At some point an adult must take responsibility. Sure, you can insult whomever you want, but this comes with consequences. Nobody owes you anything. Certainly not any access. It's strange to have to spell this out to another adult.

So cut her off? But getting pissed that she doesn’t care suggests you aren’t serious about cutting her off and it was an empty threat.

It’s very clear that it wasn’t the OP who “cut her off”, as you keep saying. There is no evidence of that. Some awful wife who forced her DH to cut off his mom wouldn’t be posting and introspective question such as “is pride really worth losing your family”. I think it’s really sad that you can’t relate to a scenario where, if someone disrespected you, your husband wouldn’t go to bat for you.

I presume they are a united front and OP isn't sending cards or photos of the kids to the MIL on the side. But deciding that the other party must apologize and then getting upset when they don't is stupid. OP and her husband and suffering from the consequences of their own decision. I guess MIL called their bluff. And it's not sad or anything b/c I don't know these people and don't give a rat's ass about any of them.

Of course it’s sad to realize someone’s pride (or whatever is driving them) matters more to them than a relationship with their own son and grandchildren. That’s a painful thing to come to terms with. It’s not about “calling a bluff”, it’s about seeing where someone’s priorities really are.

At the same time, feeling that sadness doesn’t automatically mean they regret setting a boundary. Two things can be true: they can be grieving what they hoped that relationship would be, and still feel more at peace now than they did when there was constant disrespect.

Nah. OP is just mad that MIL won't cave to their demands and was using the kids as a bartering chip (gross). She didn't expect MIL would actually turn her back. Just goes to show we only have one side of the story here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never understood why some people demand apologies from people. She’s not sorry. That’s why she’s not apologizing. It’s that simple. Maybe she doesn’t like you.

But I think you were wrong to cut off access to the grandkids. Did she do anything to them? It’s too late for that now but I feel it’s always wrong to put kids in the middle.

I do not speak to my SIL for something that happened between us. I would NEVER try to prevent my kids from having a relationship with their aunt. I don’t speak bad of her to them. They are teens now and can text her and visit her without me.

DP. I'm sorry but you cannot seriously think that you go and insult your DIL, the MOTHER of your grandchildren and then have access to them. Who would be giving you that access? The insulted DIL or her husband, your DH, who is also put off that his mother insults his wife? At some point an adult must take responsibility. Sure, you can insult whomever you want, but this comes with consequences. Nobody owes you anything. Certainly not any access. It's strange to have to spell this out to another adult.

So cut her off? But getting pissed that she doesn’t care suggests you aren’t serious about cutting her off and it was an empty threat.

It’s very clear that it wasn’t the OP who “cut her off”, as you keep saying. There is no evidence of that. Some awful wife who forced her DH to cut off his mom wouldn’t be posting and introspective question such as “is pride really worth losing your family”. I think it’s really sad that you can’t relate to a scenario where, if someone disrespected you, your husband wouldn’t go to bat for you.

I presume they are a united front and OP isn't sending cards or photos of the kids to the MIL on the side. But deciding that the other party must apologize and then getting upset when they don't is stupid. OP and her husband and suffering from the consequences of their own decision. I guess MIL called their bluff. And it's not sad or anything b/c I don't know these people and don't give a rat's ass about any of them.

Of course it’s sad to realize someone’s pride (or whatever is driving them) matters more to them than a relationship with their own son and grandchildren. That’s a painful thing to come to terms with. It’s not about “calling a bluff”, it’s about seeing where someone’s priorities really are.

At the same time, feeling that sadness doesn’t automatically mean they regret setting a boundary. Two things can be true: they can be grieving what they hoped that relationship would be, and still feel more at peace now than they did when there was constant disrespect.

Nah. OP is just mad that MIL won't cave to their demands and was using the kids as a bartering chip (gross). She didn't expect MIL would actually turn her back. Just goes to show we only have one side of the story here.

If not, “I’ve been a difficult mother my entire life (OP mentioned this) and finally said something that was my son’s last straw” as the other side of the story, what do you think the “other side of the story” is? In what world is it ok to disrespect someone and not apologize? Sometimes people just get to the end of their rope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never understood why some people demand apologies from people. She’s not sorry. That’s why she’s not apologizing. It’s that simple. Maybe she doesn’t like you.

But I think you were wrong to cut off access to the grandkids. Did she do anything to them? It’s too late for that now but I feel it’s always wrong to put kids in the middle.

I do not speak to my SIL for something that happened between us. I would NEVER try to prevent my kids from having a relationship with their aunt. I don’t speak bad of her to them. They are teens now and can text her and visit her without me.

DP. I'm sorry but you cannot seriously think that you go and insult your DIL, the MOTHER of your grandchildren and then have access to them. Who would be giving you that access? The insulted DIL or her husband, your DH, who is also put off that his mother insults his wife? At some point an adult must take responsibility. Sure, you can insult whomever you want, but this comes with consequences. Nobody owes you anything. Certainly not any access. It's strange to have to spell this out to another adult.

So cut her off? But getting pissed that she doesn’t care suggests you aren’t serious about cutting her off and it was an empty threat.

It’s very clear that it wasn’t the OP who “cut her off”, as you keep saying. There is no evidence of that. Some awful wife who forced her DH to cut off his mom wouldn’t be posting and introspective question such as “is pride really worth losing your family”. I think it’s really sad that you can’t relate to a scenario where, if someone disrespected you, your husband wouldn’t go to bat for you.

I presume they are a united front and OP isn't sending cards or photos of the kids to the MIL on the side. But deciding that the other party must apologize and then getting upset when they don't is stupid. OP and her husband and suffering from the consequences of their own decision. I guess MIL called their bluff. And it's not sad or anything b/c I don't know these people and don't give a rat's ass about any of them.

Of course it’s sad to realize someone’s pride (or whatever is driving them) matters more to them than a relationship with their own son and grandchildren. That’s a painful thing to come to terms with. It’s not about “calling a bluff”, it’s about seeing where someone’s priorities really are.

At the same time, feeling that sadness doesn’t automatically mean they regret setting a boundary. Two things can be true: they can be grieving what they hoped that relationship would be, and still feel more at peace now than they did when there was constant disrespect.

Nah. OP is just mad that MIL won't cave to their demands and was using the kids as a bartering chip (gross). She didn't expect MIL would actually turn her back. Just goes to show we only have one side of the story here.

If not, “I’ve been a difficult mother my entire life (OP mentioned this) and finally said something that was my son’s last straw” as the other side of the story, what do you think the “other side of the story” is? In what world is it ok to disrespect someone and not apologize? Sometimes people just get to the end of their rope.

If she's actually a terrible person why do you want her around the kids at all? What does this "disrespect" have to do with the kids? If she's otherwise a good grandmother why would you cut off that relationship? Or she's just a terrible person and in that case, good riddance. It's one or the other. OP hasn't given much information other than the MIL has backed off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never understood why some people demand apologies from people. She’s not sorry. That’s why she’s not apologizing. It’s that simple. Maybe she doesn’t like you.

But I think you were wrong to cut off access to the grandkids. Did she do anything to them? It’s too late for that now but I feel it’s always wrong to put kids in the middle.

I do not speak to my SIL for something that happened between us. I would NEVER try to prevent my kids from having a relationship with their aunt. I don’t speak bad of her to them. They are teens now and can text her and visit her without me.

DP. I'm sorry but you cannot seriously think that you go and insult your DIL, the MOTHER of your grandchildren and then have access to them. Who would be giving you that access? The insulted DIL or her husband, your DH, who is also put off that his mother insults his wife? At some point an adult must take responsibility. Sure, you can insult whomever you want, but this comes with consequences. Nobody owes you anything. Certainly not any access. It's strange to have to spell this out to another adult.

So cut her off? But getting pissed that she doesn’t care suggests you aren’t serious about cutting her off and it was an empty threat.

It’s very clear that it wasn’t the OP who “cut her off”, as you keep saying. There is no evidence of that. Some awful wife who forced her DH to cut off his mom wouldn’t be posting and introspective question such as “is pride really worth losing your family”. I think it’s really sad that you can’t relate to a scenario where, if someone disrespected you, your husband wouldn’t go to bat for you.

I presume they are a united front and OP isn't sending cards or photos of the kids to the MIL on the side. But deciding that the other party must apologize and then getting upset when they don't is stupid. OP and her husband and suffering from the consequences of their own decision. I guess MIL called their bluff. And it's not sad or anything b/c I don't know these people and don't give a rat's ass about any of them.

Of course it’s sad to realize someone’s pride (or whatever is driving them) matters more to them than a relationship with their own son and grandchildren. That’s a painful thing to come to terms with. It’s not about “calling a bluff”, it’s about seeing where someone’s priorities really are.

At the same time, feeling that sadness doesn’t automatically mean they regret setting a boundary. Two things can be true: they can be grieving what they hoped that relationship would be, and still feel more at peace now than they did when there was constant disrespect.

Nah. OP is just mad that MIL won't cave to their demands and was using the kids as a bartering chip (gross). She didn't expect MIL would actually turn her back. Just goes to show we only have one side of the story here.

If not, “I’ve been a difficult mother my entire life (OP mentioned this) and finally said something that was my son’s last straw” as the other side of the story, what do you think the “other side of the story” is? In what world is it ok to disrespect someone and not apologize? Sometimes people just get to the end of their rope.

If she's actually a terrible person why do you want her around the kids at all? What does this "disrespect" have to do with the kids? If she's otherwise a good grandmother why would you cut off that relationship? Or she's just a terrible person and in that case, good riddance. It's one or the other. OP hasn't given much information other than the MIL has backed off.

I think she simply wants to know how someone can be that kind of person, not that she wants or even needs an apology. I think the husband is using her and this apology he knows will never come, as an excuse to excommunicate his mother, but that’s just my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never understood why some people demand apologies from people. She’s not sorry. That’s why she’s not apologizing. It’s that simple. Maybe she doesn’t like you.

But I think you were wrong to cut off access to the grandkids. Did she do anything to them? It’s too late for that now but I feel it’s always wrong to put kids in the middle.

I do not speak to my SIL for something that happened between us. I would NEVER try to prevent my kids from having a relationship with their aunt. I don’t speak bad of her to them. They are teens now and can text her and visit her without me.

DP. I'm sorry but you cannot seriously think that you go and insult your DIL, the MOTHER of your grandchildren and then have access to them. Who would be giving you that access? The insulted DIL or her husband, your DH, who is also put off that his mother insults his wife? At some point an adult must take responsibility. Sure, you can insult whomever you want, but this comes with consequences. Nobody owes you anything. Certainly not any access. It's strange to have to spell this out to another adult.

So cut her off? But getting pissed that she doesn’t care suggests you aren’t serious about cutting her off and it was an empty threat.

It’s very clear that it wasn’t the OP who “cut her off”, as you keep saying. There is no evidence of that. Some awful wife who forced her DH to cut off his mom wouldn’t be posting and introspective question such as “is pride really worth losing your family”. I think it’s really sad that you can’t relate to a scenario where, if someone disrespected you, your husband wouldn’t go to bat for you.

I presume they are a united front and OP isn't sending cards or photos of the kids to the MIL on the side. But deciding that the other party must apologize and then getting upset when they don't is stupid. OP and her husband and suffering from the consequences of their own decision. I guess MIL called their bluff. And it's not sad or anything b/c I don't know these people and don't give a rat's ass about any of them.

The OP is not "upset". She is wondering why MIL has not reached out and apologized as a normal person would. She doesn't have experience (which is good) with personality disordered people, for whom this type of behavior is common and normal. They use silent treatment as a weapon. It's meant to make the party they hurt uncomfortable and ask for forgiveness. What is important here is that the OPs DH, who has been trained to respond to silent treatment by apologizing himself, has reached a point in his journey where he's able and willing to not do that any more. Hence from a practical point the MIL is cut off. People who don't have experience how silent treatment is meant to work do not understand any of this. And oftentimes this is exactly how the cut off happens in real life: the personality disordered person uses their silent treatment as a weapon and at some point it backfires.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never understood why some people demand apologies from people. She’s not sorry. That’s why she’s not apologizing. It’s that simple. Maybe she doesn’t like you.

But I think you were wrong to cut off access to the grandkids. Did she do anything to them? It’s too late for that now but I feel it’s always wrong to put kids in the middle.

I do not speak to my SIL for something that happened between us. I would NEVER try to prevent my kids from having a relationship with their aunt. I don’t speak bad of her to them. They are teens now and can text her and visit her without me.

DP. I'm sorry but you cannot seriously think that you go and insult your DIL, the MOTHER of your grandchildren and then have access to them. Who would be giving you that access? The insulted DIL or her husband, your DH, who is also put off that his mother insults his wife? At some point an adult must take responsibility. Sure, you can insult whomever you want, but this comes with consequences. Nobody owes you anything. Certainly not any access. It's strange to have to spell this out to another adult.

So cut her off? But getting pissed that she doesn’t care suggests you aren’t serious about cutting her off and it was an empty threat.

It’s very clear that it wasn’t the OP who “cut her off”, as you keep saying. There is no evidence of that. Some awful wife who forced her DH to cut off his mom wouldn’t be posting and introspective question such as “is pride really worth losing your family”. I think it’s really sad that you can’t relate to a scenario where, if someone disrespected you, your husband wouldn’t go to bat for you.

I presume they are a united front and OP isn't sending cards or photos of the kids to the MIL on the side. But deciding that the other party must apologize and then getting upset when they don't is stupid. OP and her husband and suffering from the consequences of their own decision. I guess MIL called their bluff. And it's not sad or anything b/c I don't know these people and don't give a rat's ass about any of them.

The OP is not "upset". She is wondering why MIL has not reached out and apologized as a normal person would. She doesn't have experience (which is good) with personality disordered people, for whom this type of behavior is common and normal. They use silent treatment as a weapon. It's meant to make the party they hurt uncomfortable and ask for forgiveness. What is important here is that the OPs DH, who has been trained to respond to silent treatment by apologizing himself, has reached a point in his journey where he's able and willing to not do that any more. Hence from a practical point the MIL is cut off. People who don't have experience how silent treatment is meant to work do not understand any of this. And oftentimes this is exactly how the cut off happens in real life: the personality disordered person uses their silent treatment as a weapon and at some point it backfires.

Look, if you would take her back and let her have a relationship with her grandkids if she just uttered some words then she's just not a terrible person. OP wants to punish her. That's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never understood why some people demand apologies from people. She’s not sorry. That’s why she’s not apologizing. It’s that simple. Maybe she doesn’t like you.

But I think you were wrong to cut off access to the grandkids. Did she do anything to them? It’s too late for that now but I feel it’s always wrong to put kids in the middle.

I do not speak to my SIL for something that happened between us. I would NEVER try to prevent my kids from having a relationship with their aunt. I don’t speak bad of her to them. They are teens now and can text her and visit her without me.

DP. I'm sorry but you cannot seriously think that you go and insult your DIL, the MOTHER of your grandchildren and then have access to them. Who would be giving you that access? The insulted DIL or her husband, your DH, who is also put off that his mother insults his wife? At some point an adult must take responsibility. Sure, you can insult whomever you want, but this comes with consequences. Nobody owes you anything. Certainly not any access. It's strange to have to spell this out to another adult.

So cut her off? But getting pissed that she doesn’t care suggests you aren’t serious about cutting her off and it was an empty threat.

It’s very clear that it wasn’t the OP who “cut her off”, as you keep saying. There is no evidence of that. Some awful wife who forced her DH to cut off his mom wouldn’t be posting and introspective question such as “is pride really worth losing your family”. I think it’s really sad that you can’t relate to a scenario where, if someone disrespected you, your husband wouldn’t go to bat for you.

I presume they are a united front and OP isn't sending cards or photos of the kids to the MIL on the side. But deciding that the other party must apologize and then getting upset when they don't is stupid. OP and her husband and suffering from the consequences of their own decision. I guess MIL called their bluff. And it's not sad or anything b/c I don't know these people and don't give a rat's ass about any of them.

The OP is not "upset". She is wondering why MIL has not reached out and apologized as a normal person would. She doesn't have experience (which is good) with personality disordered people, for whom this type of behavior is common and normal. They use silent treatment as a weapon. It's meant to make the party they hurt uncomfortable and ask for forgiveness. What is important here is that the OPs DH, who has been trained to respond to silent treatment by apologizing himself, has reached a point in his journey where he's able and willing to not do that any more. Hence from a practical point the MIL is cut off. People who don't have experience how silent treatment is meant to work do not understand any of this. And oftentimes this is exactly how the cut off happens in real life: the personality disordered person uses their silent treatment as a weapon and at some point it backfires.

Look, if you would take her back and let her have a relationship with her grandkids if she just uttered some words then she's just not a terrible person. OP wants to punish her. That's it.

You don't understand. The OP is a normal person here. Her DH, MILs son, is the one conditioned to jump through hoops to satisfy her crazy mom's demands since childhood. He is the one who has reached a point where he's had enough. Nobody's taking MIL back. It's impossible. In order to have MIL "back", the MIL expects her son to apologize to her for insulting his wife. Do you see how it doesn't make sense? Because it only makes sense to a personality disordered person. She can sit on her imaginary throne in an imaginary castle where she's an imaginary queen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never understood why some people demand apologies from people. She’s not sorry. That’s why she’s not apologizing. It’s that simple. Maybe she doesn’t like you.

But I think you were wrong to cut off access to the grandkids. Did she do anything to them? It’s too late for that now but I feel it’s always wrong to put kids in the middle.

I do not speak to my SIL for something that happened between us. I would NEVER try to prevent my kids from having a relationship with their aunt. I don’t speak bad of her to them. They are teens now and can text her and visit her without me.

DP. I'm sorry but you cannot seriously think that you go and insult your DIL, the MOTHER of your grandchildren and then have access to them. Who would be giving you that access? The insulted DIL or her husband, your DH, who is also put off that his mother insults his wife? At some point an adult must take responsibility. Sure, you can insult whomever you want, but this comes with consequences. Nobody owes you anything. Certainly not any access. It's strange to have to spell this out to another adult.

So cut her off? But getting pissed that she doesn’t care suggests you aren’t serious about cutting her off and it was an empty threat.

It’s very clear that it wasn’t the OP who “cut her off”, as you keep saying. There is no evidence of that. Some awful wife who forced her DH to cut off his mom wouldn’t be posting and introspective question such as “is pride really worth losing your family”. I think it’s really sad that you can’t relate to a scenario where, if someone disrespected you, your husband wouldn’t go to bat for you.

I presume they are a united front and OP isn't sending cards or photos of the kids to the MIL on the side. But deciding that the other party must apologize and then getting upset when they don't is stupid. OP and her husband and suffering from the consequences of their own decision. I guess MIL called their bluff. And it's not sad or anything b/c I don't know these people and don't give a rat's ass about any of them.

The OP is not "upset". She is wondering why MIL has not reached out and apologized as a normal person would. She doesn't have experience (which is good) with personality disordered people, for whom this type of behavior is common and normal. They use silent treatment as a weapon. It's meant to make the party they hurt uncomfortable and ask for forgiveness. What is important here is that the OPs DH, who has been trained to respond to silent treatment by apologizing himself, has reached a point in his journey where he's able and willing to not do that any more. Hence from a practical point the MIL is cut off. People who don't have experience how silent treatment is meant to work do not understand any of this. And oftentimes this is exactly how the cut off happens in real life: the personality disordered person uses their silent treatment as a weapon and at some point it backfires.

Look, if you would take her back and let her have a relationship with her grandkids if she just uttered some words then she's just not a terrible person. OP wants to punish her. That's it.

I don’t think so. OP’s husband set a boundary with his mother: You behaved offensively to my wife. Our family won’t be seeing you unless you can apologize. So in the first place it’s OP’s DH who is the decision maker. What OP is trying to understand is why a parent/grandparent would not apologize in this situation. OP probably has healthier relationships and family and just can’t wrap her mind around why a parent/grandparent wouldn’t do this simple thing. OP probably doesn’t struggle to apologize when she’s wrong. She can’t imagine breaking relationships over something that seems simple. The mother/grandmother has issues. She’s not a healthy person and hasn’t had a good relationship with her son. The simple apology is not so simple to her. Whatever she struggles with, it’s more important for her to be right than have the relationship. And she probably knows that the apology is a step in changing expectations. She can’t or doesn’t want to change her behavior.

[Anonymous]

OP Let it go. Let your husband deal.
Focus on the relationship you have w your own mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never understood why some people demand apologies from people. She’s not sorry. That’s why she’s not apologizing. It’s that simple. Maybe she doesn’t like you.

But I think you were wrong to cut off access to the grandkids. Did she do anything to them? It’s too late for that now but I feel it’s always wrong to put kids in the middle.

I do not speak to my SIL for something that happened between us. I would NEVER try to prevent my kids from having a relationship with their aunt. I don’t speak bad of her to them. They are teens now and can text her and visit her without me.

DP. I'm sorry but you cannot seriously think that you go and insult your DIL, the MOTHER of your grandchildren and then have access to them. Who would be giving you that access? The insulted DIL or her husband, your DH, who is also put off that his mother insults his wife? At some point an adult must take responsibility. Sure, you can insult whomever you want, but this comes with consequences. Nobody owes you anything. Certainly not any access. It's strange to have to spell this out to another adult.

So cut her off? But getting pissed that she doesn’t care suggests you aren’t serious about cutting her off and it was an empty threat.

It’s very clear that it wasn’t the OP who “cut her off”, as you keep saying. There is no evidence of that. Some awful wife who forced her DH to cut off his mom wouldn’t be posting and introspective question such as “is pride really worth losing your family”. I think it’s really sad that you can’t relate to a scenario where, if someone disrespected you, your husband wouldn’t go to bat for you.

I presume they are a united front and OP isn't sending cards or photos of the kids to the MIL on the side. But deciding that the other party must apologize and then getting upset when they don't is stupid. OP and her husband and suffering from the consequences of their own decision. I guess MIL called their bluff. And it's not sad or anything b/c I don't know these people and don't give a rat's ass about any of them.

The OP is not "upset". She is wondering why MIL has not reached out and apologized as a normal person would. She doesn't have experience (which is good) with personality disordered people, for whom this type of behavior is common and normal. They use silent treatment as a weapon. It's meant to make the party they hurt uncomfortable and ask for forgiveness. What is important here is that the OPs DH, who has been trained to respond to silent treatment by apologizing himself, has reached a point in his journey where he's able and willing to not do that any more. Hence from a practical point the MIL is cut off. People who don't have experience how silent treatment is meant to work do not understand any of this. And oftentimes this is exactly how the cut off happens in real life: the personality disordered person uses their silent treatment as a weapon and at some point it backfires.

Look, if you would take her back and let her have a relationship with her grandkids if she just uttered some words then she's just not a terrible person. OP wants to punish her. That's it.

I don’t think so. OP’s husband set a boundary with his mother: You behaved offensively to my wife. Our family won’t be seeing you unless you can apologize. So in the first place it’s OP’s DH who is the decision maker. What OP is trying to understand is why a parent/grandparent would not apologize in this situation. OP probably has healthier relationships and family and just can’t wrap her mind around why a parent/grandparent wouldn’t do this simple thing. OP probably doesn’t struggle to apologize when she’s wrong. She can’t imagine breaking relationships over something that seems simple. The mother/grandmother has issues. She’s not a healthy person and hasn’t had a good relationship with her son. The simple apology is not so simple to her. Whatever she struggles with, it’s more important for her to be right than have the relationship. And she probably knows that the apology is a step in changing expectations. She can’t or doesn’t want to change her behavior.

None of this matters. If you use your kids as pawns in this game then it's just a game. If someone is so bad they have to be cut out of my life then I wouldn't let them around my kids, ever.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’ve never understood why some people demand apologies from people. She’s not sorry. That’s why she’s not apologizing. It’s that simple. Maybe she doesn’t like you.

But I think you were wrong to cut off access to the grandkids. Did she do anything to them? It’s too late for that now but I feel it’s always wrong to put kids in the middle.

I do not speak to my SIL for something that happened between us. I would NEVER try to prevent my kids from having a relationship with their aunt. I don’t speak bad of her to them. They are teens now and can text her and visit her without me.

DP. I'm sorry but you cannot seriously think that you go and insult your DIL, the MOTHER of your grandchildren and then have access to them. Who would be giving you that access? The insulted DIL or her husband, your DH, who is also put off that his mother insults his wife? At some point an adult must take responsibility. Sure, you can insult whomever you want, but this comes with consequences. Nobody owes you anything. Certainly not any access. It's strange to have to spell this out to another adult.

So cut her off? But getting pissed that she doesn’t care suggests you aren’t serious about cutting her off and it was an empty threat.

It’s very clear that it wasn’t the OP who “cut her off”, as you keep saying. There is no evidence of that. Some awful wife who forced her DH to cut off his mom wouldn’t be posting and introspective question such as “is pride really worth losing your family”. I think it’s really sad that you can’t relate to a scenario where, if someone disrespected you, your husband wouldn’t go to bat for you.

I presume they are a united front and OP isn't sending cards or photos of the kids to the MIL on the side. But deciding that the other party must apologize and then getting upset when they don't is stupid. OP and her husband and suffering from the consequences of their own decision. I guess MIL called their bluff. And it's not sad or anything b/c I don't know these people and don't give a rat's ass about any of them.

The OP is not "upset". She is wondering why MIL has not reached out and apologized as a normal person would. She doesn't have experience (which is good) with personality disordered people, for whom this type of behavior is common and normal. They use silent treatment as a weapon. It's meant to make the party they hurt uncomfortable and ask for forgiveness. What is important here is that the OPs DH, who has been trained to respond to silent treatment by apologizing himself, has reached a point in his journey where he's able and willing to not do that any more. Hence from a practical point the MIL is cut off. People who don't have experience how silent treatment is meant to work do not understand any of this. And oftentimes this is exactly how the cut off happens in real life: the personality disordered person uses their silent treatment as a weapon and at some point it backfires.

Look, if you would take her back and let her have a relationship with her grandkids if she just uttered some words then she's just not a terrible person. OP wants to punish her. That's it.

I don’t think so. OP’s husband set a boundary with his mother: You behaved offensively to my wife. Our family won’t be seeing you unless you can apologize. So in the first place it’s OP’s DH who is the decision maker. What OP is trying to understand is why a parent/grandparent would not apologize in this situation. OP probably has healthier relationships and family and just can’t wrap her mind around why a parent/grandparent wouldn’t do this simple thing. OP probably doesn’t struggle to apologize when she’s wrong. She can’t imagine breaking relationships over something that seems simple. The mother/grandmother has issues. She’s not a healthy person and hasn’t had a good relationship with her son. The simple apology is not so simple to her. Whatever she struggles with, it’s more important for her to be right than have the relationship. And she probably knows that the apology is a step in changing expectations. She can’t or doesn’t want to change her behavior.

None of this matters. If you use your kids as pawns in this game then it's just a game. If someone is so bad they have to be cut out of my life then I wouldn't let them around my kids, ever.

One can genuinely apologize, take accountability, and make lasting repair with just her son. If these three things happened, it’s reasonable he would then integrate his wife and children back into the relationship, after such a period of time has passed that the son can trust reparation has occurred.