Is pride really worth losing your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trying to understand a situation in our family and would appreciate perspective, especially from those who’ve seen similar dynamics.

DH has always had a complicated relationship with his mom. There’s a long pattern of DARVO behavior from her. Historically he’s tolerated it. Recently, she crossed a line by disrespecting me in a way that was clearly intended to manipulate him. He told her they were done unless she could take accountability, apologize, and make it right.

It’s been a year today. No holidays, no visits. DH has siblings but our kids are her only grandkids. From the outside, it feels like she’s choosing being “right” (or being the victim) over having a relationship with her son and grandchildren. I genuinely don’t understand that mindset. If you care about your family, wouldn’t you at least attempt repair?

For those who’ve experienced something similar: what drives this? Pride? Control? Something else? I’m trying to make sense of it.

If someone has gone no contact with you for a year, they just don’t want a relationship with you. They don’t enjoy your company. They enjoy their life more without you than with you. They remember the recent time spent with you as an obligation, frustrating, uncomfortable or anger provoking. It doesn’t matter at all who was right or wrong they simply don’t want to be with you. They aren’t sentimental or nostalgic enough to keep pretending.

You mean DH, correct? Sure! But what about his mom? She’s had 12 months to eat crow, and at the very minimum, feign an apology. She hasn’t. Why?

You don't seem to see that you are what has caused the problem. MIL not liking you and DH defending you. She would rather not be with grandkids and her son than have to be with you. We have someone like this in our family. There is nothing wrong with her, she just doesn't fit with us--and we like our dynamic. We've gotten to the point where none of us try anymore.

Wow, PP! You all sound like you should try looking in the mirror. In OP’s case, she’s won! MIL is the loser now no longer has to deal with the woman her husband stood up for, but now she’s lost access to her son and only grandchildren in the process! Sounds smart!

Enjoy the peace, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree w narcissism. Read up on it, they can never admit they are wrong. It’s hard to accept but once you understand it’s much easier to handle that complete lack of accountability.

+1. Narcissism. Nothing can ever be their fault, but nothing can ever be their responsibility either. They go through life thinking they are the victims and they don't control of anything. I think it's easier to be weak than to try and fail, bc of the narcissist, failure is the most shameful thing of all. They are the meanest people you will ever meet, but often back right down like a wounded animal when confronted. Count your lucky stars you're free.

[Anonymous]

I find it really really weird when family cuts off other family. Invariably when I hear details, there are issues on both sides even if one person is more at fault. I hear a lot of stories of defensive language like ‘they were toxic’ ‘I need boundaries’ etc but the reality is that if the person wasn’t also contributing in some way, they wouldn’t need to be so strident and rigid. I have a family member who is likely mentally ill and has caused tons of drama, but are they cut off? No. I feel sorry for them, realize they are a highly imperfect person and I look for ways to connect that are not high conflict. If I engage with them and fight, what does that say about me? I know I can’t expect them to operate on the same emotional level as I do. And that’s ok.

They/we are connected to each other in various ways and ‘cutting them off’ would impact not only me but others. And to me, that’s selfish and unfair.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are also feeling like you’re “right.” So, I’m not sure you should punish her for that. That seems a bit unfair. You’re also responsible for keeping your kids from having a relationship with her, so you can’t put 100% of the blame on her.

Your DH gave her an ultimatum and she didn’t agree with it. Instead of blaming her, it might help to have some compassion instead amping up your anger, which will make it harder to reconcile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it really really weird when family cuts off other family. Invariably when I hear details, there are issues on both sides even if one person is more at fault. I hear a lot of stories of defensive language like ‘they were toxic’ ‘I need boundaries’ etc but the reality is that if the person wasn’t also contributing in some way, they wouldn’t need to be so strident and rigid. I have a family member who is likely mentally ill and has caused tons of drama, but are they cut off? No. I feel sorry for them, realize they are a highly imperfect person and I look for ways to connect that are not high conflict. If I engage with them and fight, what does that say about me? I know I can’t expect them to operate on the same emotional level as I do. And that’s ok.

They/we are connected to each other in various ways and ‘cutting them off’ would impact not only me but others. And to me, that’s selfish and unfair.

People reach their limit, PP. They feel they have tried everything and have nothing left to try. And it’s never selfish to protect children. Other adults are on their own, and I don’t see how your decision affects them personally. You can visit them separately, or not.

[Anonymous]

That is how some parents are. She doesn’t think parents apologize. In her mind, she’s thinking just what you are - why is my son so stubborn that he can’t just get over this? Gosh, he’s so sensitive and he and his wife make a big deal about everything. I can’t believe he’s willing to lose his mother over this.

Not agreeing with her! But this is what she’s thinking. My mother is similar and this is exactly what she thinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are also feeling like you’re “right.” So, I’m not sure you should punish her for that. That seems a bit unfair. You’re also responsible for keeping your kids from having a relationship with her, so you can’t put 100% of the blame on her.

Your DH gave her an ultimatum and she didn’t agree with it. Instead of blaming her, it might help to have some compassion instead amping up your anger, which will make it harder to reconcile.

Where are you getting that this was the wife’s decision. She clearly said her husband drew the boundary after years of darvo abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is how some parents are. She doesn’t think parents apologize. In her mind, she’s thinking just what you are - why is my son so stubborn that he can’t just get over this? Gosh, he’s so sensitive and he and his wife make a big deal about everything. I can’t believe he’s willing to lose his mother over this.

Not agreeing with her! But this is what she’s thinking. My mother is similar and this is exactly what she thinks.

OP’s MIL FAFO’d! It’s funny, but I’ll be here long after DH’s 70+ mother will. It makes me think of Taylor Swift’s Father Figure: “You made a deal with this devil, turns out my d***’s bigger!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it really really weird when family cuts off other family. Invariably when I hear details, there are issues on both sides even if one person is more at fault. I hear a lot of stories of defensive language like ‘they were toxic’ ‘I need boundaries’ etc but the reality is that if the person wasn’t also contributing in some way, they wouldn’t need to be so strident and rigid. I have a family member who is likely mentally ill and has caused tons of drama, but are they cut off? No. I feel sorry for them, realize they are a highly imperfect person and I look for ways to connect that are not high conflict. If I engage with them and fight, what does that say about me? I know I can’t expect them to operate on the same emotional level as I do. And that’s ok.

They/we are connected to each other in various ways and ‘cutting them off’ would impact not only me but others. And to me, that’s selfish and unfair.

A parent telling my child they wish they never had me was the final straw

Is that good enough for you ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are also feeling like you’re “right.” So, I’m not sure you should punish her for that. That seems a bit unfair. You’re also responsible for keeping your kids from having a relationship with her, so you can’t put 100% of the blame on her.

Your DH gave her an ultimatum and she didn’t agree with it. Instead of blaming her, it might help to have some compassion instead amping up your anger, which will make it harder to reconcile.

Where are you getting that this was the wife’s decision. She clearly said her husband drew the boundary after years of darvo abuse.

Because OP is on here saying her MIL is wrong, thus she and DH are right.

She doesn’t seem sad, as she said it’s been easier, so she seems difficult by even posting this.

I’m estranged from a sibling. I don’t wonder about how wrong they are or why they don’t see my kids. I think about the good times we shared that I’m thankful for and extend compassion towards them. I accept reality and don’t make drama by talking ill of him and posting on message boards, which would prolong my own suffering. Especially if I put all the blame on him. If you’re sad, be sad — or don’t be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it really really weird when family cuts off other family. Invariably when I hear details, there are issues on both sides even if one person is more at fault. I hear a lot of stories of defensive language like ‘they were toxic’ ‘I need boundaries’ etc but the reality is that if the person wasn’t also contributing in some way, they wouldn’t need to be so strident and rigid. I have a family member who is likely mentally ill and has caused tons of drama, but are they cut off? No. I feel sorry for them, realize they are a highly imperfect person and I look for ways to connect that are not high conflict. If I engage with them and fight, what does that say about me? I know I can’t expect them to operate on the same emotional level as I do. And that’s ok.

They/we are connected to each other in various ways and ‘cutting them off’ would impact not only me but others. And to me, that’s selfish and unfair.

Lol no.

Feel free to stay in contact with your toxic, abusive family members. The rest of us can choose peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it really really weird when family cuts off other family. Invariably when I hear details, there are issues on both sides even if one person is more at fault. I hear a lot of stories of defensive language like ‘they were toxic’ ‘I need boundaries’ etc but the reality is that if the person wasn’t also contributing in some way, they wouldn’t need to be so strident and rigid. I have a family member who is likely mentally ill and has caused tons of drama, but are they cut off? No. I feel sorry for them, realize they are a highly imperfect person and I look for ways to connect that are not high conflict. If I engage with them and fight, what does that say about me? I know I can’t expect them to operate on the same emotional level as I do. And that’s ok.

They/we are connected to each other in various ways and ‘cutting them off’ would impact not only me but others. And to me, that’s selfish and unfair.

A parent telling my child they wish they never had me was the final straw

Is that good enough for you ?

One told my preteen, “I never loved your mom.” So yeah, PP will never get it. Or, she’s a narc herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are also feeling like you’re “right.” So, I’m not sure you should punish her for that. That seems a bit unfair. You’re also responsible for keeping your kids from having a relationship with her, so you can’t put 100% of the blame on her.

Your DH gave her an ultimatum and she didn’t agree with it. Instead of blaming her, it might help to have some compassion instead amping up your anger, which will make it harder to reconcile.

Where are you getting that this was the wife’s decision. She clearly said her husband drew the boundary after years of darvo abuse.

Because OP is on here saying her MIL is wrong, thus she and DH are right.

She doesn’t seem sad, as she said it’s been easier, so she seems difficult by even posting this.

I’m estranged from a sibling. I don’t wonder about how wrong they are or why they don’t see my kids. I think about the good times we shared that I’m thankful for and extend compassion towards them. I accept reality and don’t make drama by talking ill of him and posting on message boards, which would prolong my own suffering. Especially if I put all the blame on him. If you’re sad, be sad — or don’t be.

Quote where she said the woman was wrong. I’ll wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it really really weird when family cuts off other family. Invariably when I hear details, there are issues on both sides even if one person is more at fault. I hear a lot of stories of defensive language like ‘they were toxic’ ‘I need boundaries’ etc but the reality is that if the person wasn’t also contributing in some way, they wouldn’t need to be so strident and rigid. I have a family member who is likely mentally ill and has caused tons of drama, but are they cut off? No. I feel sorry for them, realize they are a highly imperfect person and I look for ways to connect that are not high conflict. If I engage with them and fight, what does that say about me? I know I can’t expect them to operate on the same emotional level as I do. And that’s ok.

They/we are connected to each other in various ways and ‘cutting them off’ would impact not only me but others. And to me, that’s selfish and unfair.

People reach their limit, PP. They feel they have tried everything and have nothing left to try. And it’s never selfish to protect children. Other adults are on their own, and I don’t see how your decision affects them personally. You can visit them separately, or not.

I suspect your protection of children is more about you. My children also know this family member and although I’m not sending them for sleepovers, I’m also not cutting them off and not allowing them from making up their own mind.

And it’s telling you don’t see how family ruptures affect others. It ripples through the entire family. People are forced to choose because of your inability to be the bigger person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Narcissism

+ one million.