Was I wrong to skip MIL birthday dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're modeling to your children that family isn't important. You don't care about your relationship with your in-laws, but don't complain 30 years from now when your sons and daughters-in-law aren't making any effort for you.

I think the 24 hour notice is BS. It was her birthday, that's a lifetime of notice. If you needed the specifics earlier you should have asked for them. But you knew ever since you've known your husband when the birthday is and still couldn't make the slightest inconvenience to your own life.

To answer your question, yes I think you were wrong.

I don't really agree. My dad's birthday was on the same day, a Friday. We celebrated over the weekend which was much more convenient for our family (he's retired). If people are important to you, you plan around them in both directions. We had a really lovely time.

Basically, even if OP knew this was MIL birthday, is not obvious the celebration would be on that date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're modeling to your children that family isn't important. You don't care about your relationship with your in-laws, but don't complain 30 years from now when your sons and daughters-in-law aren't making any effort for you.

I think the 24 hour notice is BS. It was her birthday, that's a lifetime of notice. If you needed the specifics earlier you should have asked for them. But you knew ever since you've known your husband when the birthday is and still couldn't make the slightest inconvenience to your own life.

To answer your question, yes I think you were wrong.

I don't really agree. My dad's birthday was on the same day, a Friday. We celebrated over the weekend which was much more convenient for our family (he's retired). If people are important to you, you plan around them in both directions. We had a really lovely time.

Basically, even if OP knew this was MIL birthday, is not obvious the celebration would be on that date.

Which is why you ASK! Do some families not do this? Whenever someone’s birthday is coming up, we ask them what they want to do and make the plans.

[Anonymous]

This is so silly. She gave no notice, you said you’d play it by ear, and it didn’t work out. That should be it.

I’d ignore any pouting and grey rock her. Sounds like a drama queen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm amazed at the attitudes that MIL is only the husband's responsibility. MIL birthday should be on the calendar and its just being decent not to schedule anything and expect to go to dinner. How do you want to be treated as an in-law?

I’ve been married for 20 years and I don’t know the date of my MIL’s birthday — although I do know it is the same month as mine. He handles his family’s birthdays just fine. I expect my own child to handle my birthday. But I’m also really direct and tell people what I would like to do (with appropriate notice). And I’m not going to be hurt if my kid declines to bring my grandkids to something with 24 hours notice.

Yes you do know her birthday. Come on. I can’t stand my MIL and I know when her birthday is. What dentist is open at 5 pm on a Friday? I would have gone with both kids and gotten something to go at the end for DH since he was at work.

Dp. Not necessarily. I’ve been with my husband for 20 yrs and I only recently learned his bday… bc my nephew was born the same day. I would have never known otherwise. It’s not uncommon to not know when your spouses family was born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yesterday was my MIL’s birthday. Until late the night before, there were no plans involving us.
My husband was scheduled to work in the office and has about an hour commute. I had the day off. Our kids had an appointments at 5pm that I scheduled months ago (I didn’t realize at the time it was a no-school day and earlier appointments were possible).

Late the night before, MIL called DH to say she’d made a 6pm dinner reservation for herself and FIL and invited DH, me, and our two kids to join. DH explained his work schedule and the dentist conflict and told her we’d have to play it by ear. She seemed fine with that.

Around the time I took the kids to the dentist, DH texted that he wouldn’t make it, something came up at work. He said he’d tell his mom and it was up to me if I wanted to go. Given the timing, I decided not to rush the kids from the dentist to dinner alone. I’m cordial with my ILs but not close, and I didn’t feel great about showing up solo with two kids while my husband was absent.

I called MIL to explain that between the dentist and DH’s work conflict, we wouldn’t make it and that DH would plan something soon so we could celebrate her birthday together, to enjoy her dinner with FIL.

MIL is now extremely upset that she didn’t get to see her grandchildren on her birthday, and that it ruined her dinner. FIL is also upset in general and says MIL couldn’t even enjoy her birthday because of this. Was I out of line for not going without my husband?

That's fine. She is a grown woman, needs to act mature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm amazed at the attitudes that MIL is only the husband's responsibility. MIL birthday should be on the calendar and its just being decent not to schedule anything and expect to go to dinner. How do you want to be treated as an in-law?

I’ve been married for 20 years and I don’t know the date of my MIL’s birthday — although I do know it is the same month as mine. He handles his family’s birthdays just fine. I expect my own child to handle my birthday. But I’m also really direct and tell people what I would like to do (with appropriate notice). And I’m not going to be hurt if my kid declines to bring my grandkids to something with 24 hours notice.

Yes you do know her birthday. Come on. I can’t stand my MIL and I know when her birthday is. What dentist is open at 5 pm on a Friday? I would have gone with both kids and gotten something to go at the end for DH since he was at work.

Dp. Not necessarily. I’ve been with my husband for 20 yrs and I only recently learned his bday… bc my nephew was born the same day. I would have never known otherwise. It’s not uncommon to not know when your spouses family was born.

Omg lol. That looks like I didn’t know my husbands bday. I meant my FIL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm amazed at the attitudes that MIL is only the husband's responsibility. MIL birthday should be on the calendar and its just being decent not to schedule anything and expect to go to dinner. How do you want to be treated as an in-law?

I’ve been married for 20 years and I don’t know the date of my MIL’s birthday — although I do know it is the same month as mine. He handles his family’s birthdays just fine. I expect my own child to handle my birthday. But I’m also really direct and tell people what I would like to do (with appropriate notice). And I’m not going to be hurt if my kid declines to bring my grandkids to something with 24 hours notice.

Yes you do know her birthday. Come on. I can’t stand my MIL and I know when her birthday is. What dentist is open at 5 pm on a Friday? I would have gone with both kids and gotten something to go at the end for DH since he was at work.

Dp. Not necessarily. I’ve been with my husband for 20 yrs and I only recently learned his bday… bc my nephew was born the same day. I would have never known otherwise. It’s not uncommon to not know when your spouses family was born.

Strange it’s not on a family calendar.

[Anonymous]

I'm an almost MIL, would be happy if it works out but wouldn't hold it against my kids or their spouses if they can't make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're modeling to your children that family isn't important. You don't care about your relationship with your in-laws, but don't complain 30 years from now when your sons and daughters-in-law aren't making any effort for you.

I think the 24 hour notice is BS. It was her birthday, that's a lifetime of notice. If you needed the specifics earlier you should have asked for them. But you knew ever since you've known your husband when the birthday is and still couldn't make the slightest inconvenience to your own life.

To answer your question, yes I think you were wrong.

I don't really agree. My dad's birthday was on the same day, a Friday. We celebrated over the weekend which was much more convenient for our family (he's retired). If people are important to you, you plan around them in both directions. We had a really lovely time.

Basically, even if OP knew this was MIL birthday, is not obvious the celebration would be on that date.

Which is why you ASK! Do some families not do this? Whenever someone’s birthday is coming up, we ask them what they want to do and make the plans.

This is FILs responsibility, not OPs

[Anonymous]

The first mistake was that either FIL or DH should have discussed the upcoming birthday while you were together at Christmas. You should have made plans for a group gathering and then everyone has a 1-2 week notice. This would be the time to have input on selecting a less fancy restaurant if MIL really wanted the kids to join.

The 2nd mistake was being non-committal on whether your family would make it. If DH might have to work and you know you have dentist appointments, then on Thursday night when FIL invited you, DH should have said Friday doesn't work for us, how about we meet on Sunday for lunch?

But since DH said you would play it by ear, the 3rd mistake was once DH got tied up and you didn't feel like going without him, DH should have called them to say he has to work late, how about we meet on Sunday for lunch?

You a demonstrating to your children how to treat grandparents. It's clear you, and maybe even your DH, don't really care enough to want to make Grandma feel special on her birthday. Or else you would have already made plans and not waited until FIL called the night before. It doesn't have to be dinner at a fancy restaurant. The kids were off school all week. Why didn't you plan to have them bake a cake and take the cake, flowers and a card to her house on Thursday or Friday?

That would have shown your kids how to make someone feel loved. And when they are married with kids, and it's your birthday, they would know how to plan something to make your day special.

[Anonymous]

Who are all these grown ass adults that care so much about their birthdays?! I would expect this from a child, but actual adults having so many feelings about their birthdays is wild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're modeling to your children that family isn't important. You don't care about your relationship with your in-laws, but don't complain 30 years from now when your sons and daughters-in-law aren't making any effort for you.

I think the 24 hour notice is BS. It was her birthday, that's a lifetime of notice. If you needed the specifics earlier you should have asked for them. But you knew ever since you've known your husband when the birthday is and still couldn't make the slightest inconvenience to your own life.

To answer your question, yes I think you were wrong.

I don't really agree. My dad's birthday was on the same day, a Friday. We celebrated over the weekend which was much more convenient for our family (he's retired). If people are important to you, you plan around them in both directions. We had a really lovely time.

Basically, even if OP knew this was MIL birthday, is not obvious the celebration would be on that date.

Which is why you ASK! Do some families not do this? Whenever someone’s birthday is coming up, we ask them what they want to do and make the plans.

OP doesn't really seem on the ball. No clue when MILs birthday is, when it rolls around every year on the same date. No clue what winter break looks like even though kids have been in school for years. A lot of things probably go awry in OPs home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these grown ass adults that care so much about their birthdays?! I would expect this from a child, but actual adults having so many feelings about their birthdays is wild.

Literally was thinking this.
Like why is it OP & her husbands job to entertain her on her birthday?

Doesn’t MIL have a man?

[Anonymous]

Anyone who announces an invitation with 24 hours of notice and is not entirely understanding and gracious if people can’t make it is always in the wrong.

If you want to have a birthday dinner, invite people ahead of time.

And if DH can’t be bothered to be proactive and make plans for his mother, that has nothing to do with OP other than she should say yes and help facilitate whatever HE comes up with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first mistake was that either FIL or DH should have discussed the upcoming birthday while you were together at Christmas. You should have made plans for a group gathering and then everyone has a 1-2 week notice. This would be the time to have input on selecting a less fancy restaurant if MIL really wanted the kids to join.

The 2nd mistake was being non-committal on whether your family would make it. If DH might have to work and you know you have dentist appointments, then on Thursday night when FIL invited you, DH should have said Friday doesn't work for us, how about we meet on Sunday for lunch?

But since DH said you would play it by ear, the 3rd mistake was once DH got tied up and you didn't feel like going without him, DH should have called them to say he has to work late, how about we meet on Sunday for lunch?

You a demonstrating to your children how to treat grandparents. It's clear you, and maybe even your DH, don't really care enough to want to make Grandma feel special on her birthday. Or else you would have already made plans and not waited until FIL called the night before. It doesn't have to be dinner at a fancy restaurant. The kids were off school all week. Why didn't you plan to have them bake a cake and take the cake, flowers and a card to her house on Thursday or Friday?

That would have shown your kids how to make someone feel loved. And when they are married with kids, and it's your birthday, they would know how to plan something to make your day special.

I agree with this. Poor planning and communication all the way around, and you’re being scapegoated for everyone’s shortcomings, yours included.