Discovering Affair 10 Years After The Fact

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

DP. Interesting how you don't mention your commitment to providing your children with a stable home environment.

You can twist and turn words all you want here on DCUM but divorce and dragging children from one house to another is far from ideal for children.

But we all know men are more selfish and self centered in marriages so it will be all about them and not about their children when the wives cheat.

When she cheated, SHE is the one who was selfish and self centered, SHE is the one who broke up the family and SHE is the one who hurt the children.

Oh please. Your children's best interests are not always aligned with leaving. Your children might not care that your spouse cheated. And watch you end up with a girlfriend/ boyfriend_ new spouse who cheated on their own ex...

And no, I am not making excuses for cheaters. I am challenging those of you who feel that because you left a cheat, you are a more principled person with higher self esteem than someone who decides that their children are better off if they stay.

Every situation is different, and if some people choose to stay, it's not necessarily because they don't value commitment/ loyalty as much as you do. They might have assessed commitment to others involved -- CHILDREN-- and decided that leaving is not the right option for them. Respect that instead of coming here rambling about your narrow- minded view of commitment, self-esteem and pride.

If it doesn’t bother your (non-child) offspring that one if their parents was lying,sneaking around and having sex with someone else before coming hive and pretending to be one big happy family—the kids have been badly damaged by the marriage.

Try again, but make this argent for "child" offspring.

The damage has been done by the cheating spouse.

It is just a question of which is worse for the children.

Their happy, intact, loving family no longer exists.

Parents can play- act, but when the kids eventually find out the caliber of role models they really had, they will be shattered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

DP. Interesting how you don't mention your commitment to providing your children with a stable home environment.

You can twist and turn words all you want here on DCUM but divorce and dragging children from one house to another is far from ideal for children.

But we all know men are more selfish and self centered in marriages so it will be all about them and not about their children when the wives cheat.

When she cheated, SHE is the one who was selfish and self centered, SHE is the one who broke up the family and SHE is the one who hurt the children.

Oh please. Your children's best interests are not always aligned with leaving. Your children might not care that your spouse cheated. And watch you end up with a girlfriend/ boyfriend_ new spouse who cheated on their own ex...

And no, I am not making excuses for cheaters. I am challenging those of you who feel that because you left a cheat, you are a more principled person with higher self esteem than someone who decides that their children are better off if they stay.

Every situation is different, and if some people choose to stay, it's not necessarily because they don't value commitment/ loyalty as much as you do. They might have assessed commitment to others involved -- CHILDREN-- and decided that leaving is not the right option for them. Respect that instead of coming here rambling about your narrow- minded view of commitment, self-esteem and pride.

Except the other parent has a conflict of interest: often financial, when contemplating striking out on their own.

So are they really the best person on to make an “objective “ decision?

And, can they understand how modeling tolerance of infidelity will impact their children’s future relationships?

This particular argument seems like a good one on its face, but many of these divorced people end up with other people who are divorced because they cheated and/or these children end up with step parents from the cheating side of the marriage who cheated. So how do you explain to your children that you do not tolerate cheating be ause cheating is such a major flaw, but you are now increasing the chances that your kid gets, in addition to a cheating parent, one or two step parents who are cheaters? Again these things are not as black and white as people make them sound

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

DP. Interesting how you don't mention your commitment to providing your children with a stable home environment.

You can twist and turn words all you want here on DCUM but divorce and dragging children from one house to another is far from ideal for children.

But we all know men are more selfish and self centered in marriages so it will be all about them and not about their children when the wives cheat.

When she cheated, SHE is the one who was selfish and self centered, SHE is the one who broke up the family and SHE is the one who hurt the children.

Oh please. Your children's best interests are not always aligned with leaving. Your children might not care that your spouse cheated. And watch you end up with a girlfriend/ boyfriend_ new spouse who cheated on their own ex...

And no, I am not making excuses for cheaters. I am challenging those of you who feel that because you left a cheat, you are a more principled person with higher self esteem than someone who decides that their children are better off if they stay.

Every situation is different, and if some people choose to stay, it's not necessarily because they don't value commitment/ loyalty as much as you do. They might have assessed commitment to others involved -- CHILDREN-- and decided that leaving is not the right option for them. Respect that instead of coming here rambling about your narrow- minded view of commitment, self-esteem and pride.

If it doesn’t bother your (non-child) offspring that one if their parents was lying,sneaking around and having sex with someone else before coming hive and pretending to be one big happy family—the kids have been badly damaged by the marriage.

Try again, but make this argent for "child" offspring.

The damage has been done by the cheating spouse.

It is just a question of which is worse for the children.

Their happy, intact, loving family no longer exists.

Parents can play- act, but when the kids eventually find out the caliber of role models they really had, they will be shattered.

Agree with the bolded. And the answer here is different for different children.

[Anonymous]

I knew a beautiful young women in college who would set her vibrating alarm every morning so she got up before her boyfriend. That way when he woke up, she was lying next to him fully made up.

When we (the other women on her floor, in the dorm) questioned this routine, she explained that her father had left her mother for his younger, more attractive secretary. She says this taught her that you must always be put together for your man or he will leave you.

It was so sad. The way her father had traumatized generations of women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

That is what they you. And what kind of friends are these?

Human friends.

People aren’t perfect. There’s cheating and there are also other ways to harm your spouse and do them wrong. For example, lying about finances, becoming overweight, neglecting kids, being overly shallow etc.

Sorry, but integrity ranks a little higher for me than dress size when I am choosing friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

So you judge the man who had one affair and never told his wife as being “better at monogamy” than the person who followed your “rule” and left her husband after finding out he cheated.

That makes no sense. And yeah, you did give your husband permission to sleep with others, as long as he never told you.

😳

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

DP. Interesting how you don't mention your commitment to providing your children with a stable home environment.

You can twist and turn words all you want here on DCUM but divorce and dragging children from one house to another is far from ideal for children.

But we all know men are more selfish and self centered in marriages so it will be all about them and not about their children when the wives cheat.

When she cheated, SHE is the one who was selfish and self centered, SHE is the one who broke up the family and SHE is the one who hurt the children.

Oh please. Your children's best interests are not always aligned with leaving. Your children might not care that your spouse cheated.
…
someone who decides that their children are better off if they stay.
….

They might have assessed commitment to others involved -- CHILDREN-- and decided that leaving is not the right option for them.

Maybe the time to think about the children, sorry, CHILDREN, is before you spread your legs for some other dude? Or is the obligation to the kids only applicable to one spouse?

(and wait until we find out who the kids’ real father is)

(J/k, we already know)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

DP. Interesting how you don't mention your commitment to providing your children with a stable home environment.

You can twist and turn words all you want here on DCUM but divorce and dragging children from one house to another is far from ideal for children.

But we all know men are more selfish and self centered in marriages so it will be all about them and not about their children when the wives cheat.

When she cheated, SHE is the one who was selfish and self centered, SHE is the one who broke up the family and SHE is the one who hurt the children.

Oh please. Your children's best interests are not always aligned with leaving. Your children might not care that your spouse cheated. And watch you end up with a girlfriend/ boyfriend_ new spouse who cheated on their own ex...

And no, I am not making excuses for cheaters. I am challenging those of you who feel that because you left a cheat, you are a more principled person with higher self esteem than someone who decides that their children are better off if they stay.

Every situation is different, and if some people choose to stay, it's not necessarily because they don't value commitment/ loyalty as much as you do. They might have assessed commitment to others involved -- CHILDREN-- and decided that leaving is not the right option for them. Respect that instead of coming here rambling about your narrow- minded view of commitment, self-esteem and pride.

Except the other parent has a conflict of interest: often financial, when contemplating striking out on their own.

So are they really the best person on to make an “objective “ decision?

And, can they understand how modeling tolerance of infidelity will impact their children’s future relationships?

This particular argument seems like a good one on its face, but many of these divorced people end up with other people who are divorced because they cheated and/or these children end up with step parents from the cheating side of the marriage who cheated. So how do you explain to your children that you do not tolerate cheating be ause cheating is such a major flaw, but you are now increasing the chances that your kid gets, in addition to a cheating parent, one or two step parents who are cheaters? Again these things are not as black and white as people make them sound

Now THIS is some quality gaslighting. “Take caution in removing your kids from a toxic environment, because, as your personal history has shown, you’ll probably just choose another cheater and then you’ll be both a doormat AND a hypocrite.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

DP. Interesting how you don't mention your commitment to providing your children with a stable home environment.

You can twist and turn words all you want here on DCUM but divorce and dragging children from one house to another is far from ideal for children.

But we all know men are more selfish and self centered in marriages so it will be all about them and not about their children when the wives cheat.

When she cheated, SHE is the one who was selfish and self centered, SHE is the one who broke up the family and SHE is the one who hurt the children.

Oh please. Your children's best interests are not always aligned with leaving. Your children might not care that your spouse cheated. And watch you end up with a girlfriend/ boyfriend_ new spouse who cheated on their own ex...

And no, I am not making excuses for cheaters. I am challenging those of you who feel that because you left a cheat, you are a more principled person with higher self esteem than someone who decides that their children are better off if they stay.

Every situation is different, and if some people choose to stay, it's not necessarily because they don't value commitment/ loyalty as much as you do. They might have assessed commitment to others involved -- CHILDREN-- and decided that leaving is not the right option for them. Respect that instead of coming here rambling about your narrow- minded view of commitment, self-esteem and pride.

Except the other parent has a conflict of interest: often financial, when contemplating striking out on their own.

So are they really the best person on to make an “objective “ decision?

And, can they understand how modeling tolerance of infidelity will impact their children’s future relationships?

This particular argument seems like a good one on its face, but many of these divorced people end up with other people who are divorced because they cheated and/or these children end up with step parents from the cheating side of the marriage who cheated. So how do you explain to your children that you do not tolerate cheating be ause cheating is such a major flaw, but you are now increasing the chances that your kid gets, in addition to a cheating parent, one or two step parents who are cheaters? Again these things are not as black and white as people make them sound

Now THIS is some quality gaslighting. “Take caution in removing your kids from a toxic environment, because, as your personal history has shown, you’ll probably just choose another cheater and then you’ll be both a doormat AND a hypocrite.”

It's called reality. The divorced people out there are divorced for a reason. At least 50% of them are no good which is why their spouses divorced them. And of the other 50%, there are some who are no good too which is why they picked no good spouses ( not all, but some). So what are your chances of finding a good match?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

DP. Interesting how you don't mention your commitment to providing your children with a stable home environment.

You can twist and turn words all you want here on DCUM but divorce and dragging children from one house to another is far from ideal for children.

But we all know men are more selfish and self centered in marriages so it will be all about them and not about their children when the wives cheat.

When she cheated, SHE is the one who was selfish and self centered, SHE is the one who broke up the family and SHE is the one who hurt the children.

Oh please. Your children's best interests are not always aligned with leaving. Your children might not care that your spouse cheated.
…
someone who decides that their children are better off if they stay.
….

They might have assessed commitment to others involved -- CHILDREN-- and decided that leaving is not the right option for them.

Maybe the time to think about the children, sorry, CHILDREN, is before you spread your legs for some other dude? Or is the obligation to the kids only applicable to one spouse?

(and wait until we find out who the kids’ real father is)

(J/k, we already know)

It is both ways. But the cheater already knows they are not loyal -- no need for them to pretend. The spouse who was cheated on is the one who might want to claim( as the PP above) their value of loyalty as the reason for divorce. Except they forget that loyalty should extend to the children involved, and many never talk about that piece.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

DP. Interesting how you don't mention your commitment to providing your children with a stable home environment.

You can twist and turn words all you want here on DCUM but divorce and dragging children from one house to another is far from ideal for children.

But we all know men are more selfish and self centered in marriages so it will be all about them and not about their children when the wives cheat.

When she cheated, SHE is the one who was selfish and self centered, SHE is the one who broke up the family and SHE is the one who hurt the children.

Oh please. Your children's best interests are not always aligned with leaving. Your children might not care that your spouse cheated. And watch you end up with a girlfriend/ boyfriend_ new spouse who cheated on their own ex...

And no, I am not making excuses for cheaters. I am challenging those of you who feel that because you left a cheat, you are a more principled person with higher self esteem than someone who decides that their children are better off if they stay.

Every situation is different, and if some people choose to stay, it's not necessarily because they don't value commitment/ loyalty as much as you do. They might have assessed commitment to others involved -- CHILDREN-- and decided that leaving is not the right option for them. Respect that instead of coming here rambling about your narrow- minded view of commitment, self-esteem and pride.

Truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

DP. Interesting how you don't mention your commitment to providing your children with a stable home environment.

You can twist and turn words all you want here on DCUM but divorce and dragging children from one house to another is far from ideal for children.

But we all know men are more selfish and self centered in marriages so it will be all about them and not about their children when the wives cheat.

When she cheated, SHE is the one who was selfish and self centered, SHE is the one who broke up the family and SHE is the one who hurt the children.

Oh please. Your children's best interests are not always aligned with leaving. Your children might not care that your spouse cheated. And watch you end up with a girlfriend/ boyfriend_ new spouse who cheated on their own ex...

And no, I am not making excuses for cheaters. I am challenging those of you who feel that because you left a cheat, you are a more principled person with higher self esteem than someone who decides that their children are better off if they stay.

Every situation is different, and if some people choose to stay, it's not necessarily because they don't value commitment/ loyalty as much as you do. They might have assessed commitment to others involved -- CHILDREN-- and decided that leaving is not the right option for them. Respect that instead of coming here rambling about your narrow- minded view of commitment, self-esteem and pride.

Except the other parent has a conflict of interest: often financial, when contemplating striking out on their own.

So are they really the best person on to make an “objective “ decision?

And, can they understand how modeling tolerance of infidelity will impact their children’s future relationships?

This particular argument seems like a good one on its face, but many of these divorced people end up with other people who are divorced because they cheated and/or these children end up with step parents from the cheating side of the marriage who cheated. So how do you explain to your children that you do not tolerate cheating be ause cheating is such a major flaw, but you are now increasing the chances that your kid gets, in addition to a cheating parent, one or two step parents who are cheaters? Again these things are not as black and white as people make them sound

Now THIS is some quality gaslighting. “Take caution in removing your kids from a toxic environment, because, as your personal history has shown, you’ll probably just choose another cheater and then you’ll be both a doormat AND a hypocrite.”

Most people don’t do the work. The real work requires years. And they will end up int he same dynamic and just as unhappy if given enough time.

[Anonymous]

You all are assuming the children will know about the affair. Only bad parents tell their children their other parent cheated. Burdening your kids with intimate details of your relationship is abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

DP. Interesting how you don't mention your commitment to providing your children with a stable home environment.

You can twist and turn words all you want here on DCUM but divorce and dragging children from one house to another is far from ideal for children.

But we all know men are more selfish and self centered in marriages so it will be all about them and not about their children when the wives cheat.

When she cheated, SHE is the one who was selfish and self centered, SHE is the one who broke up the family and SHE is the one who hurt the children.

This is 100% right. The cheater is to blame regardless of being male or female, the faithful spouse is always the victim unless they are abusive or a cheater. Gaining weight is not abuse either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all are assuming the children will know about the affair. Only bad parents tell their children their other parent cheated. Burdening your kids with intimate details of your relationship is abusive.

The kids don’t need intimate details of the relationship, but knowing there was infidelity gives the an understanding of why the family is dissolving.