Reply to Discovering Affair 10 Years After The Fact

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.[/quote]

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

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+1[/quote]
agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost. [/quote]

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances.  That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them. [/quote]
You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice. [/quote]

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept.  If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.[/quote]

DP. Interesting how you don't mention your commitment to providing your children with a stable home environment.

You can twist and turn words all you want here on DCUM but divorce and dragging children from one house to another is far from ideal for children.

[b]But we all know men are more selfish and self centered in marriages so it will be all about them and not about their children when the wives cheat.[/b]

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When she cheated, SHE is the one who was selfish and self centered, SHE is the one who broke up the family and SHE is the one who hurt the children.[/quote]

Oh please. Your children's best interests are not always aligned with leaving. Your children might not care that your spouse cheated. And watch you end up with a girlfriend/ boyfriend_ new spouse who cheated on their own ex...

And no, I am not making excuses for cheaters. I am challenging those of you who feel that because you left a cheat, you are a more principled person with higher self esteem than someone who decides that their children are better off if they stay.

Every situation is different, and if some people choose to stay, it's not necessarily because they don't value commitment/ loyalty as much as you do. They might have assessed commitment to others involved -- CHILDREN-- and decided that leaving is not the right option for them. Respect that instead of coming here rambling about your narrow- minded view of commitment, self-esteem and pride.
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Except the other parent has a conflict of interest: often financial, when contemplating striking out on their own.

So are they really the best person on to make an “objective “ decision?

And, can they understand how[b] modeling tolerance of infidelity will impact their children’s future relationships?[/b] [/quote]

This particular argument seems like a good one on its face, but many of these divorced people end up with other people who are divorced because they cheated and/or these children end up with step parents from the cheating side of the marriage who cheated. So how do you explain to your children that you do not tolerate cheating be ause cheating is such a major flaw, but you are now increasing the chances that your kid gets, in addition to a cheating parent, one or two step parents who are cheaters? Again these things are not as black and white as people make them sound
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Now THIS is some quality gaslighting. “Take caution in removing your kids from a toxic environment, because, as your personal history has shown, you’ll probably just choose another cheater and then you’ll be both a doormat AND a hypocrite.”[/quote]

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