No birthday present- break up with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP dipping my toe back in here. Food for thought on all the comments.

It’s also a bummer because his birthday is next month, and he loves the gifts I have given him (so happy to receive them and wears them all the time), and now I don’t want to be a one-sided chump and give him something material. (Not expensive stuff fwiw.)

Bracing myself for this comment too lol. I’m sure I’m just supposed to suck it up. But I’m just going to take him to dinner to match his energy.

Okay, he's probably going to be very happy with that. Because what gift people need to understand is this: non-gift people don't actually care whether they receive gifts. That is what makes them non-gift people! He probably likes what you got him, showed enthusiasm because that's the social expectation, but does not care if you get him more gifts. So your plan sounds perfect, except that you're doing it to retaliate so it'll have a weird dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Wow, you are in your forties and having a tantrum over a birthday gift???

Life is long. He can’t get you a bigger Christmas gift or take you on a trip or buy you a car. Get over the birthday gift.

DH earns a seven figure income. I also get annoyed he is a bad or no gift giver. I buy myself gifts all the time and he technically pays for it.

I very rarely buy any adults gifts. We may bring wine or box of chocolates to a bday dinner but as a normal dinner guest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP dipping my toe back in here. Food for thought on all the comments.

It’s also a bummer because his birthday is next month, and he loves the gifts I have given him (so happy to receive them and wears them all the time), and now I don’t want to be a one-sided chump and give him something material. (Not expensive stuff fwiw.)

Bracing myself for this comment too lol. I’m sure I’m just supposed to suck it up. But I’m just going to take him to dinner to match his energy.

Okay, he's probably going to be very happy with that. Because what gift people need to understand is this: non-gift people don't actually care whether they receive gifts. That is what makes them non-gift people! He probably likes what you got him, showed enthusiasm because that's the social expectation, but does not care if you get him more gifts. So your plan sounds perfect, except that you're doing it to retaliate so it'll have a weird dynamic.

This is well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP dipping my toe back in here. Food for thought on all the comments.

It’s also a bummer because his birthday is next month, and he loves the gifts I have given him (so happy to receive them and wears them all the time), and now I don’t want to be a one-sided chump and give him something material. (Not expensive stuff fwiw.)

Bracing myself for this comment too lol. I’m sure I’m just supposed to suck it up. But I’m just going to take him to dinner to match his energy.

Okay, he's probably going to be very happy with that. Because what gift people need to understand is this: non-gift people don't actually care whether they receive gifts. That is what makes them non-gift people! He probably likes what you got him, showed enthusiasm because that's the social expectation, but does not care if you get him more gifts. So your plan sounds perfect, except that you're doing it to retaliate so it'll have a weird dynamic.

This is well said.

+1

If this is your reaction, OP, break up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP dipping my toe back in here. Food for thought on all the comments.

It’s also a bummer because his birthday is next month, and he loves the gifts I have given him (so happy to receive them and wears them all the time), and now I don’t want to be a one-sided chump and give him something material. (Not expensive stuff fwiw.)

Bracing myself for this comment too lol. I’m sure I’m just supposed to suck it up. But I’m just going to take him to dinner to match his energy.

Just take him out to dinner with the happy birthday dessert. Seems like that is his expectation for birthdays.

[Anonymous]

Pp here with bad gift giving husband. We have 3 kids. I do go all out with kid birthday parties and Christmas. My oldest is a teen and really doesn’t care for gifts anymore and neither does my DH. It would really be a shame if one day some girl couldn’t get over my son being a bad gift giver.

Your birthday already passed. I’m sure he has moved on. If he likes you, there will be many other opportunities to show his affection besides gifts.

[Anonymous]

The guy I knew who gave the best most grand gifts was a serial cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd drop him. The men I know who don't make the effort with their significant others to recognize their birthdays and anniversaries are selfish and self-absorbed. ADHD is not an excuse. You deserve better.

But they went out to dinner! He probably thought that *was* recognizing it. Because it is.

OP here. Ok fine, I’ll bite. I had to ask him when we were going out for my birthday because he didn’t proactively set something up. And then he planned a dinner last minute, was late picking me up, and at dinner he said he meant to bring flowers but ran out of time and looked really sheepish like he knew he was not bringing his A game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you are in your forties and having a tantrum over a birthday gift???

Life is long. He can’t get you a bigger Christmas gift or take you on a trip or buy you a car. Get over the birthday gift.

DH earns a seven figure income. I also get annoyed he is a bad or no gift giver. I buy myself gifts all the time and he technically pays for it.

I very rarely buy any adults gifts. We may bring wine or box of chocolates to a bday dinner but as a normal dinner guest.

Money makes up for a lot, I guess? OP's just dating this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP dipping my toe back in here. Food for thought on all the comments.

It’s also a bummer because his birthday is next month, and he loves the gifts I have given him (so happy to receive them and wears them all the time), and now I don’t want to be a one-sided chump and give him something material. (Not expensive stuff fwiw.)

Bracing myself for this comment too lol. I’m sure I’m just supposed to suck it up. But I’m just going to take him to dinner to match his energy.

Just take him out to dinner with the happy birthday dessert. Seems like that is his expectation for birthdays.

This. Maybe he's trying to re-set expectations to get off the gift hamster wheel. If you just didn't do birthday gifts, there would be nothing to fuss about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd drop him. The men I know who don't make the effort with their significant others to recognize their birthdays and anniversaries are selfish and self-absorbed. ADHD is not an excuse. You deserve better.

But they went out to dinner! He probably thought that *was* recognizing it. Because it is.

OP here. Ok fine, I’ll bite. I had to ask him when we were going out for my birthday because he didn’t proactively set something up. And then he planned a dinner last minute, was late picking me up, and at dinner he said he meant to bring flowers but ran out of time and looked really sheepish like he knew he was not bringing his A game.

Just dump him then! But I don't know why you're making it about a tangible gift when clearly it's about how he just isn't that into you and it shows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd drop him. The men I know who don't make the effort with their significant others to recognize their birthdays and anniversaries are selfish and self-absorbed. ADHD is not an excuse. You deserve better.

But they went out to dinner! He probably thought that *was* recognizing it. Because it is.

OP here. Ok fine, I’ll bite. I had to ask him when we were going out for my birthday because he didn’t proactively set something up. And then he planned a dinner last minute, was late picking me up, and at dinner he said he meant to bring flowers but ran out of time and looked really sheepish like he knew he was not bringing his A game.

You don't want this, trust me. He sounds like he has ADHD and has never learned to manage it. Keep looking.

[Anonymous]

OP here: Now I’ll probably get flamed for asking him when we were going out for my birthday. I’m sorry I was married forever and have no effs to give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd drop him. The men I know who don't make the effort with their significant others to recognize their birthdays and anniversaries are selfish and self-absorbed. ADHD is not an excuse. You deserve better.

But they went out to dinner! He probably thought that *was* recognizing it. Because it is.

OP here. Ok fine, I’ll bite. I had to ask him when we were going out for my birthday because he didn’t proactively set something up. And then he planned a dinner last minute, was late picking me up, and at dinner he said he meant to bring flowers but ran out of time and looked really sheepish like he knew he was not bringing his A game.

Just dump him then! But I don't know why you're making it about a tangible gift when clearly it's about how he just isn't that into you and it shows.

My brother, 60 now, has undiagnosed ADHD. He has been like this all his life and his life shows it. Maybe just stay FWB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Now I’ll probably get flamed for asking him when we were going out for my birthday. I’m sorry I was married forever and have no effs to give.

No, you won't, because DCUM believes you should not date a man who is lazy, disorganized, or has unacknowledged ADHD.