No birthday present- break up with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd drop him. The men I know who don't make the effort with their significant others to recognize their birthdays and anniversaries are selfish and self-absorbed. ADHD is not an excuse. You deserve better.

But they went out to dinner! He probably thought that *was* recognizing it. Because it is.

OP here. Ok fine, I’ll bite. I had to ask him when we were going out for my birthday because he didn’t proactively set something up. And then he planned a dinner last minute, was late picking me up, and at dinner he said he meant to bring flowers but ran out of time and looked really sheepish like he knew he was not bringing his A game.

You don't want this, trust me. He sounds like he has ADHD and has never learned to manage it. Keep looking.

OP here. BTDT so I know you’re right. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Now I’ll probably get flamed for asking him when we were going out for my birthday. I’m sorry I was married forever and have no effs to give.

No, you won't, because DCUM believes you should not date a man who is lazy, disorganized, or has unacknowledged ADHD.

OP here: I know- it’s so funny how I’m the villain until I reveal the ADHD part 😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Now I’ll probably get flamed for asking him when we were going out for my birthday. I’m sorry I was married forever and have no effs to give.

The thing is : you do. You give a lot of effs. This whole thread and all your posts are about the effs you give.

Break up. You will never be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date either or you. Who needs more crap?
He is trying to create emotional distance between you. All the special days and need for gifts is the opposite of being able to do that.
Not a good match.

OP here. I think this is right about him trying to create emotional distance. And yes of course it’s not about the actual gift. Giving birthday and Christmas gifts is just something people who love each other do for each other customarily. And we had done this all before so it’s a shift. This isn’t the only sign that he’s trying to create emotional distance. It’s just the most obvious, concrete one.

It sounds like he love-bombed you at the start of the relationship. That's why one should never rush into marriage. It takes a few years to see the real person. I am also a believer in living together first because you see how the person actually is on a daily basis without other people around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd drop him. The men I know who don't make the effort with their significant others to recognize their birthdays and anniversaries are selfish and self-absorbed. ADHD is not an excuse. You deserve better.

But they went out to dinner! He probably thought that *was* recognizing it. Because it is.

OP here. Ok fine, I’ll bite. I had to ask him when we were going out for my birthday because he didn’t proactively set something up. And then he planned a dinner last minute, was late picking me up, and at dinner he said he meant to bring flowers but ran out of time and looked really sheepish like he knew he was not bringing his A game.

Did he have a reason he was late/distracted? Has the relationship simply run its course?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it takes a while for all the bad habits to come out when someone is putting on their best face at the start of a relationship.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. And I don’t mean that snarkily!

It sure sounded snarky . . .

But I’ll answer, I’m 51. I own so many things and could buy whatever I want. But I’ve always felt this way even when I’d have much and wanted more. There is something about waiting for trinkets to show me I am loved that has never sat well with me.

Children are old enough to decide what to do for Mother and Fathers Day. Not sure I’ve ever given Valentines Day much thought, except for post-holiday chocolate sales. We ask each other what we want and how to celebrate birthdays and Christmas — and sometimes we plan our own birthday or buy our own gift. Often we do not give birthday presents. If we acknowledge birthdays, it’s more likely to be a joint or family activity. Dinner is the most common family birthday acknowledgment.

My husband and I have been married a long time. He knows me well, but still not as well as I know myself.

OP here. But isn’t this part the key?

OP he took you out to dinner for your birthday several days after the actual date. That is enough for the vast majority of adults. You need to own that YOU have an unusual attachment to physical gifts. Since your preference is unique you need to make the effort to use your words and discuss it with him instead of complaining here and to your friends. And by discuss I mean you tell him what you feel and what you want - NOT that you accuse him of being avoidant, having poor manners, not caring about you, etc. “Joe, I realize you may not get this from what I said, but I actually really love to get gifts and was kind of sad you didn’t get anything for me this year. Do you think you could pick up something small for my birthday and we could have a redo? I know it’s silly but I really love it. Then next week we can go to that show you want to see.”

Ugh, this is such a turnoff. If a man said this to me I’d likely be out of that relationship.

Really? Someone honestly telling you their needs while owning their feelings?

A gift is not a need. Food is a need and OP wasn’t happy with that.

+1. Gifts are needs?

I am the PP and to be clear I am not team OP and of course gifts are not needs. But in a relationship, you actually should tell your partner when something hurts your feelings and this can be done in a way that is not accusatory and takes ownership of your own feelings. It should be pretty natural in a relationship. I like to have fun on my birthday, for example, so I just tell all my partners “I like to have fun on my birthday! let’s go to that comedy show.” or whatever. It’s basic communication where you convey your feelings and take ownership of them and ask for what you want. Which is very different from what OP is doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Now I’ll probably get flamed for asking him when we were going out for my birthday. I’m sorry I was married forever and have no effs to give.

No, you won't, because DCUM believes you should not date a man who is lazy, disorganized, or has unacknowledged ADHD.

OP here: I know- it’s so funny how I’m the villain until I reveal the ADHD part 😂

No, you're still childish to care so much about material gifts. But it's weird that you made it about the physical gift when clearly your problem involves more than that.

[Anonymous]

Have you been to his place? Is it a mess with a lot of unfinished work/projects?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Now I’ll probably get flamed for asking him when we were going out for my birthday. I’m sorry I was married forever and have no effs to give.

No, you won't, because DCUM believes you should not date a man who is lazy, disorganized, or has unacknowledged ADHD.

OP here: I know- it’s so funny how I’m the villain until I reveal the ADHD part 😂

No, you're still childish to care so much about material gifts. But it's weird that you made it about the physical gift when clearly your problem involves more than that.

OP is not exempt. If anything, it’s worse: of all the issues to focus on, she picked gifts. Valentine’s Day was late! Oh no!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been together for two years. Both divorced with kids and in our 40s. We live 30 minutes away from each other (in DC area.) Immediate, strong love connection with ups and downs over the past year with lots of work and family competing priorities. He knows I value gift giving and it hasn’t been an issue in the past, except on Valentines Day when he didn’t send me a gift on the actual day but waited till we saw each other a week or so later. But he bought me the cutest valentines gifts just small sweet things.Nothing expensive just little cute things. He took me out for dinner a few days after my birthday in July (I was away on the actual day). No gift. No card. No flowers. I told him later that I was hurt and it felt low effort (didn’t use that term.) He said he had something/ was getting something for me. It’s been another month and nothing. We are both busy with life but I am getting increasingly hurt by this and wondering why I would settle for this level of effort when I have a busy full life. We have been working hard on communication and there’s so much life stuff going on with our kids and jobs, so it’s hard enough already. But honestly the birthday present thing alone is making me want to call it quits. I didn’t go through a tough divorce to then settle. WWYD?

You should do him a huge favor and break up with him. He'll be much happier in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Now I’ll probably get flamed for asking him when we were going out for my birthday. I’m sorry I was married forever and have no effs to give.

The thing is : you do. You give a lot of effs. This whole thread and all your posts are about the effs you give.

Break up. You will never be happy.

This.

[Anonymous]

Do you have Daddy issues?
Did your last husband neglect you in gift dept?
Why so much emphasis on gifts?
Can you as an adult not go buy whatever you desire?

Move on though .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Now I’ll probably get flamed for asking him when we were going out for my birthday. I’m sorry I was married forever and have no effs to give.

No, you won't, because DCUM believes you should not date a man who is lazy, disorganized, or has unacknowledged ADHD.

OP here: I know- it’s so funny how I’m the villain until I reveal the ADHD part 😂

No, you're still childish to care so much about material gifts. But it's weird that you made it about the physical gift when clearly your problem involves more than that.

Of course it is about more than that! That is the entire point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Now I’ll probably get flamed for asking him when we were going out for my birthday. I’m sorry I was married forever and have no effs to give.

No, you won't, because DCUM believes you should not date a man who is lazy, disorganized, or has unacknowledged ADHD.

OP here: I know- it’s so funny how I’m the villain until I reveal the ADHD part 😂

No, you're still childish to care so much about material gifts. But it's weird that you made it about the physical gift when clearly your problem involves more than that.

Of course it is about more than that! That is the entire point.

No it isn't. At first it seemed like he took her to dinner but gave no other gift. The problem is actually that he made no dinner plan until reminded, was late, and admitted he ran out of time for flowers. If he made and executed a perfect plan for a restaurant meal but there was no gift, that's not a problem IMO. But what OP described when she told the full story is not ok.