I married money and regret it

[Anonymous]

OP - if you are real/not a troll, I just want to give you my perspective as a parent of older kids. The time period you are in - of having very young children - is just very demanding. There is never enough time. Looking back at my own choices, I was similar to you in choosing to cook most of our food and I regret the fact that I didn't let go more. There just were not enough hours in the day -- and like many PPs, our family income was not as high as yours and therefore we didn't have the option to just outsource help. But, I think it would help a lot if you were to figure out some convenience type food hacks that fit your parameters (like Chipotle has pretty clean food, doesn't use plastic takeout containers etc) and incorporate them into your life on a regular basis. Wish I had done that - it would have saved a lot of heartache in my marriage. And hang in there! Our partnership is rock solid because we worked through those (in our case, difficult) years. Also, enjoy your tiny ones!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you want to do all the cooking, fine, but then outsource more of the other stuff. Again, I don't get why you would pay for all the part time staff instead of focusing on finding one FT person to help you manage the house when that is obviously what you need. Your kids are really young and need constant supervision. You have high standards for cleanliness and food. Your husband is presumably a surgeon or some other high-demand physician and does not cook or clean. Do the math here.

A FT nanny could watch the kids while you prep dinner. She could clean while you spend time with the kids. She also serves as a FT backup if you get sick or run down. You need someone 8-5 or 9-6, daily, doing all the stuff you don't have time for or hate doing.

You also need to take the same approach of efficiency with your DH. He likes spending time with the kids but doesn't clean. Great. He can have quality time with them as they take baths and get ready for bed, and you can use that time to clean up so you don't have to do it after their bedtime. Then you both get to relax after the kids go to bed. And he gets 1:1 time with the kids which I'm guessing you already get more of.

You are getting push back here because you have lots of resources most of us don't have -- high HHI, ability to outsource, part-time work schedule -- but are acting like a martyr when this is just a logistical puzzle that requires some problem solving and discipline. Approach it like you'd approach a problem at work. At my work, if I was being run ragged with tasks while we employed multiple part time people who barely reduced my workload at all and my colleague sat around while I finished end of day tasks because, uh, he just doesn't like doing those particular tasks? I'd put together a plan and present to my bosses, to consolidate a couple if the part timers into one FT position to work asy assistant, second-in-command, and reallocate schedule so I wasn't always working late while my colleague wrapped up early.

This is your job -- figuring out how to make it work. Stop complaining and do it.

+10000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

What’s active about his fathering? He does the fun stuff while you do all the grunt work?

He is up in the morning with us. He helps get the kids ready. He is active when he’s at home. He helps put the kids to bed. He doesn’t help clean up, schedule appointments, or do the bulk of making parenting decisions.

You must be kidding. Scheduling appointments, making decisions. How hard is it? You must be a very lazy person.
Cleaning is the only thing on your list that is worth complaining about. Hire cleaners who will come every week, clean your house and do the laundry.

[Anonymous]

Ok, I’m the wife who makes $400-500k a year while my husband makes anything from $0-150k a year with his own business. I don’t get to just opt out of all mundane chores. And frankly, even with seven day a week help (which I’ve had for years), it still requires a lot of managerial work.

For example, this morning I have worked with my husband to plan out a list for the handyman and gone online to make the appointment for the handyman to come Monday for an estimate. We both need to understand the list because, while we are both currently free in the Monday time slot, we never know which one of us might have an urgent meeting — so both have to be prepared to talk to the handyman. While I was doing this, my weekend helper was getting my special needs teenager dressed, brushing her teeth and cycling the dishwasher. This afternoon my husband has to take a continuing Ed class for four hours. I will plan meals for the week and grocery shop while he does that. I sometimes outsource grocery shopping, but the truth is that I like picking out my own produce, etc. I can also pivot when the mushrooms look bad and think of another recipe I could make and get those ingredients instead. I do outsource shorter shopping lists to my Tuesday/Thursday helper that are a little more foolproof basics. My weekend helper will help me cook a couple of things, prep school lunches, prep meds for special needs kids, etc. I will then pick up my other kid’s friend and order pizza for the kids. My husband will take the friend home tonight. I don’t get to just be like “I am not going to think about household needs or food because I make all the money” and help still requires me to manage them and tell them what to do. My weekend helper will do kid laundry today while my husband does the grown up laundry tomorrow. I will be planning our summer vacation while he does that and then we both go shopping for a new refrigerator for our second kitchen in the in law suite (which we use as bonus room and office and extra kitchen). Stuff has to get done and it would absolutely be wrong for me to peace out all weekend because “my job is harder.”

If the OP works part time, she should certainly do more than her husband. But it doesn’t sound like this guy does much and money doesn’t get him off the hook entirely. It is insane to pretend I’m not rich when I make $500k most years. But it is also nutty for people to think that you can hire help at that level which opts you out of all household matters — you cannot. And I’m not the kind of mom that is over the top about anything parenting related.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are in the thick of things right now. But it is worth really carving out some time to figure out exactly what the problem is. You are feeling overwhelmed, but what would it look like ideally?

I do think outsourcing more is an option. We had a daily housekeeper for years when the kids were young who came 4 hours a day. She did all the laundry, all the cleaning, could run errands/ replenish cleaning supplies, could prep packed lunches the day before, and could do dinner prep by chopping vegetables, etc.

If the issue is that your husband plops on the sofa when he comes home and you are running around, figure out what he could do that would be helpful and explore if there are some things you are doing in the evenings that you can get done (or have done earlier - see above).

Festering resentment is really, really bad for your marriage so try to get your husband engaged to help problem solve (and not just be resentful that he isn’t doing more).

Also if you *only* have childcare for exactly when you are working, that’s probably not enough. You need to take care of yourself, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't said anything that lets us offer helpful feedback.

What responsibility are you shouldering? How big a paycheck? What access do you have to the money he makes? ARE you expecting too much? Can't say without knowing what you expect.

He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

Sorry, but if my husband was bringing home that much money, I would have groceries delivered, cleaning lady and gardener several times a month, take outs from healthy restaurants and a membership to the best gym in town . You truly have first world rich person problems. Imagine if your husband spend even more hours at work and brought $56000 a year?!
I cannot offer sympathy in this case…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[



He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

Op you are wrong. You’re not married for money at all. What your DH make is solid middle class. You still have to work for 60k a year. I thought you were talking about married a billionaire or something and you just chilling at home but unhappy how he act or treated you .

Anyway, your DH just isn’t a helpful father or husband. That’s it. Gotta tell him to step up or hire help.

400-500j isn’t “ solid middle class”. It’s in the 1%. Op said she wants to work, not that she has to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I’m the wife who makes $400-500k a year while my husband makes anything from $0-150k a year with his own business. I don’t get to just opt out of all mundane chores. And frankly, even with seven day a week help (which I’ve had for years), it still requires a lot of managerial work.

For example, this morning I have worked with my husband to plan out a list for the handyman and gone online to make the appointment for the handyman to come Monday for an estimate. We both need to understand the list because, while we are both currently free in the Monday time slot, we never know which one of us might have an urgent meeting — so both have to be prepared to talk to the handyman. While I was doing this, my weekend helper was getting my special needs teenager dressed, brushing her teeth and cycling the dishwasher. This afternoon my husband has to take a continuing Ed class for four hours. I will plan meals for the week and grocery shop while he does that. I sometimes outsource grocery shopping, but the truth is that I like picking out my own produce, etc. I can also pivot when the mushrooms look bad and think of another recipe I could make and get those ingredients instead. I do outsource shorter shopping lists to my Tuesday/Thursday helper that are a little more foolproof basics. My weekend helper will help me cook a couple of things, prep school lunches, prep meds for special needs kids, etc. I will then pick up my other kid’s friend and order pizza for the kids. My husband will take the friend home tonight. I don’t get to just be like “I am not going to think about household needs or food because I make all the money” and help still requires me to manage them and tell them what to do. My weekend helper will do kid laundry today while my husband does the grown up laundry tomorrow. I will be planning our summer vacation while he does that and then we both go shopping for a new refrigerator for our second kitchen in the in law suite (which we use as bonus room and office and extra kitchen). Stuff has to get done and it would absolutely be wrong for me to peace out all weekend because “my job is harder.”

If the OP works part time, she should certainly do more than her husband. But it doesn’t sound like this guy does much and money doesn’t get him off the hook entirely. It is insane to pretend I’m not rich when I make $500k most years. But it is also nutty for people to think that you can hire help at that level which opts you out of all household matters — you cannot. And I’m not the kind of mom that is over the top about anything parenting related.

To be fair, I think you must have spent more time writing this post than any of those “household chores” would have taken a reasonable person.

LOL at “understanding handyman list” and “shopping for second refrigerator” as some sort of vital, taxing chores. Get real!

[Anonymous]

Op here. I have taken the time to read every post and have considered most of the posters perspectives. Some are very clueless but I will drum them up to being a lost cause.

I’m not a troll. My DH likes us to eat very healthy and I agree with him. We eat a super clean whole food diet but we aren’t crazy about it. We do prefer to prepare our food because I’ve been to two houses where the hosts were less than hygienic when it came to preparing food. You really can’t trust people unless you really know them.

I don’t have to work but prefer to work. I think making $60k a year for my 20 hours a week isn’t that bad. I’ve made $150+ working full time. I like being able to keep my foot in the door and plan to return to work full time once both kids are in school. I never planned to stay home once the kids were in school. I like having a job and it’s important I’m still contributing to my retirement funds. DH and I plan to retire fairly early and travel the world.

I realize my expectations are too much since my husband is a great provider and active father. I don’t want more nanny help but I will be hiring a weekly cleaner that will do our laundry. I will ask the nanny to help keep up with cleaning up the kids messes. I will look in to a chef.

We can afford more help. I’m just apprehensive to have more because I don’t want to feel like a lazy bum who can’t handle the basics.

I didn’t marry my husband solely for his earnings. I do love him and enjoy being married to him. I did like knowing that I had the choice to stay home. I dated another guy around the time I met DH and chose DH because of his earning potential and because the sex was better.

We have millions in the bank thanks to DH. My salary before/after kids and is building a great foundation for our kids college funds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have a 2 year old and a 4 month old? You’re probably very very tired! Get the weekly cleaners and help with laundry. I predict it will make a big difference. Try that for a month and come back to update.

Op here. I am very tired. It’s a ton of work and a much harder age gap than we thought it would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem isn’t that you married money. It is that it just isn’t enough money for the dad to be the checked out big earner dad who has household help for everything. That’s why you are stressed and unhappy. If you had a cook, nanny, housekeeper and cleaner, you wouldn’t regret it

400-500k is literally the 1% of earners in the U.S. They have a nanny and a housekeeper. Most women who work part time cook and raise their kids.

I know they have a nanny but where does it say that they have a daily housekeeper? That’s different from a cleaning lady who does a deep clean once a week. Housekeepers make life way easier because they help with all the daily pick up, all laundry, dishwasher, mess from the kids. Those kinds of things are what makes kids so exhausting and not enjoyable. I don’t think 500 k is enough for a FT nanny AND housekeeper unless there are very little savings

The she's doing it wrong. OP only works part time. What she should do is consolidate down to one person who works FT, watches the kids when she's working but can also help with some cleaning and meal prep.

OP, that's your parenting partner -- the FT nanny/housekeeper. Your DH is their dad but the person who is going to help you get through these little kid years with your sanity is going to be hired and paid. And then keep her when the kids start school and your whole world will open up.

I enjoy spending time with my children. I do not want a daily housekeeper or house manager.
I have zero interest in quitting my job.

I do not feel comfortable with someone handling our food. I have watched too many cooking videos and stuff to know the vast majority of people are unhygienic when it comes to preparing food. Not washing hands thoroughly between steps, trying food and then putting it back in the food, eating from the pot, etc. The same reason we don’t really eat at people’s houses. You never can trust their cooking.

You are a lot of the problem OP. You don’t eat at other peoples houses? What a weirdo.

I posted the thread above before reading this. Interesting. I wonder if part of his hesitation to do anything is that he won't do it right? Like he;ll buy milk instead of organic milk from the virgin cow.

Op here. He isn’t hesitant to grocery shop because he is the reason we eat this way. He likes our family to eat whole food organic diet. I switched to it when we moved in and I’ve never felt better. He knows what to get because he is the one who taught me brands to get for all the items.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't said anything that lets us offer helpful feedback.

What responsibility are you shouldering? How big a paycheck? What access do you have to the money he makes? ARE you expecting too much? Can't say without knowing what you expect.

He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

If you married money then how much is his money trust fund infusions to the above ordinary income?
Surely with the wealth payments plus taxable income you can have a housekeeper and nanny.

[Anonymous]

She didn’t marry into money, she means he is high income and she is low income. They seemingly both work full time out of the home and don’t know how to divide up the kid work and housework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem isn’t that you married money. It is that it just isn’t enough money for the dad to be the checked out big earner dad who has household help for everything. That’s why you are stressed and unhappy. If you had a cook, nanny, housekeeper and cleaner, you wouldn’t regret it

400-500k is literally the 1% of earners in the U.S. They have a nanny and a housekeeper. Most women who work part time cook and raise their kids.

I know they have a nanny but where does it say that they have a daily housekeeper? That’s different from a cleaning lady who does a deep clean once a week. Housekeepers make life way easier because they help with all the daily pick up, all laundry, dishwasher, mess from the kids. Those kinds of things are what makes kids so exhausting and not enjoyable. I don’t think 500 k is enough for a FT nanny AND housekeeper unless there are very little savings

The she's doing it wrong. OP only works part time. What she should do is consolidate down to one person who works FT, watches the kids when she's working but can also help with some cleaning and meal prep.

OP, that's your parenting partner -- the FT nanny/housekeeper. Your DH is their dad but the person who is going to help you get through these little kid years with your sanity is going to be hired and paid. And then keep her when the kids start school and your whole world will open up.

I enjoy spending time with my children. I do not want a daily housekeeper or house manager.
I have zero interest in quitting my job.

I do not feel comfortable with someone handling our food. I have watched too many cooking videos and stuff to know the vast majority of people are unhygienic when it comes to preparing food. Not washing hands thoroughly between steps, trying food and then putting it back in the food, eating from the pot, etc. The same reason we don’t really eat at people’s houses. You never can trust their cooking.

You are a lot of the problem OP. You don’t eat at other peoples houses? What a weirdo.

+1

OP, I assume you don't eat at restaurants either?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem isn’t that you married money. It is that it just isn’t enough money for the dad to be the checked out big earner dad who has household help for everything. That’s why you are stressed and unhappy. If you had a cook, nanny, housekeeper and cleaner, you wouldn’t regret it

400-500k is literally the 1% of earners in the U.S. They have a nanny and a housekeeper. Most women who work part time cook and raise their kids.

I know they have a nanny but where does it say that they have a daily housekeeper? That’s different from a cleaning lady who does a deep clean once a week. Housekeepers make life way easier because they help with all the daily pick up, all laundry, dishwasher, mess from the kids. Those kinds of things are what makes kids so exhausting and not enjoyable. I don’t think 500 k is enough for a FT nanny AND housekeeper unless there are very little savings

The she's doing it wrong. OP only works part time. What she should do is consolidate down to one person who works FT, watches the kids when she's working but can also help with some cleaning and meal prep.

OP, that's your parenting partner -- the FT nanny/housekeeper. Your DH is their dad but the person who is going to help you get through these little kid years with your sanity is going to be hired and paid. And then keep her when the kids start school and your whole world will open up.

I enjoy spending time with my children. I do not want a daily housekeeper or house manager.
I have zero interest in quitting my job.

I do not feel comfortable with someone handling our food. I have watched too many cooking videos and stuff to know the vast majority of people are unhygienic when it comes to preparing food. Not washing hands thoroughly between steps, trying food and then putting it back in the food, eating from the pot, etc. The same reason we don’t really eat at people’s houses. You never can trust their cooking.

You are a lot of the problem OP. You don’t eat at other peoples houses? What a weirdo.

+1

OP, I assume you don't eat at restaurants either?

Rarely. We prefer to eat better food made at home.

I am just a stickler for hygiene. One host from a playdate for my oldest was licking dip off her fingers and still touching the food she was putting out to serve. She tasted food and put the same spoon back into the pot. That’s just gross. The other touched raw meat and then touched seasonings and other ingredients without washing her hands. We wash our hands throughly, use food grade gloves for meat ( still wash hands afterwards), and we don’t eat out of the same dish or use the same spoon we ate off.