I married money and regret it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married mostly for a good life and regret it. I shoulder almost all of the responsibility with little help from my husband. He isn't on board with taking on any more work because he brings in the big paycheck. I don't want to divorce but I feel overwhelmed. I sometimes wonder if I'm the problem and just expect too much.

It's this. Expectations.

You thought money would = "a good life." It doesn't.

You are not at all alone in making this mistake.

This

[Anonymous]

I don’t really understand what you are doing that is so hard. It seems pretty run of the mill. What would you like him to do?

[Anonymous]

This is a bad troll. Nobody on DCUM thinks a salaried person making 400K-500K per year is "marrying money."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine having less money and being in the same spot. That is most people.

Yes. I'm in the same boat OP but DH makes 120k, I make 40k working part-time, and we can't afford to outsource anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't said anything that lets us offer helpful feedback.

What responsibility are you shouldering? How big a paycheck? What access do you have to the money he makes? ARE you expecting too much? Can't say without knowing what you expect.

He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

He’s not entirely wrong. Since you’re working part-time you have more time to spend on running the household. He probably still works longer hours than you.

This argument sucks. Don’t be so certain about the hours thing. Taking care of the household is a 100% no time off job.

I’m the DW, make over $500k (W2), and despite being the higher earner our entire relationship I handle more stuff.

OP you need to outsource EVERYTHING you don’t want to do that he is unwilling to do. Some the best / fun / meaningful / required kid stuff and farm out groceries (instacart), cleaning (at least weekly housekeeping - I used to do 2x/wk when kids were young), full service landscaping on an annual contract, regular / consistent babysitters on rotation for swing shifts when you need it, etc. Then you’re just dealing with the calendar and general mental load plus transportation. And that’s still a LOT.

If he’s “too busy” or “stressed” but still golfs (as an example) because “it’s important for work” well guess what - YOU are important for his work, too. You have the funds at that $450-550k annual to do all this unless your mortgage is bonkers.

I unburden you of the garbage! Go seize what you want.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like our family. Pretty similar.

What are you having trouble with, exactly? Just hire help.

And definitely keep the part time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married mostly for a good life and regret it. I shoulder almost all of the responsibility with little help from my husband. He isn't on board with taking on any more work because he brings in the big paycheck. I don't want to divorce but I feel overwhelmed. I sometimes wonder if I'm the problem and just expect too much.

You didn't marry enough money that's why you've all this responsibility. You do expect too much as it should be clear by now that you've to contribute equally, if not with money then with being home manager. Even Prince William's wife has a lot of responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a bad troll. Nobody on DCUM thinks a salaried person making 400K-500K per year is "marrying money."

I’m the op and I’m not a troll. 400-500k is wealthy in most areas of the U.S. even DC average income is 75k.

I married money because I married a man who made a high enough salary to support a family on one income. 400-500k income to me is having money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like our family. Pretty similar.

What are you having trouble with, exactly? Just hire help.

And definitely keep the part time job.

I’m tired from the day to day and raising two very young kids - one who is still a young infant. It’s the menial repeat tasks like packing a lunch and snacks, laundry, constant surface level cleaning, making all appointments for kids, managing all the outsourcing, managing all the childcare, cooking 2-3 meals a day, doing all the grocery.

We have cleaners, a nanny for when I work, and outsource yard work. There isn’t really much else to outsource.

My husband is great with the kids but doesn’t help out with any cleaning or above tasks. He just sits down to relax while I do the cleaning up after we put the kids to bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like our family. Pretty similar.

What are you having trouble with, exactly? Just hire help.

And definitely keep the part time job.

I’m tired from the day to day and raising two very young kids - one who is still a young infant. It’s the menial repeat tasks like packing a lunch and snacks, laundry, constant surface level cleaning, making all appointments for kids, managing all the outsourcing, managing all the childcare, cooking 2-3 meals a day, doing all the grocery.

We have cleaners, a nanny for when I work, and outsource yard work. There isn’t really much else to outsource.

My husband is great with the kids but doesn’t help out with any cleaning or above tasks. He just sits down to relax while I do the cleaning up after we put the kids to bed.

That’s the season of life you are in, op. Having little kids is hard. They are a lot of work. It does get easier. But for now, there’s a lot of drudgery. Balanced by sweetness - the littles are cute for a reason, it helps you get through the times.

It will get better.

[Anonymous]

Do like what most women do especially if married to wealthy men. File for divorce. You will not only have a nice alimony, but you can meet a new guy preferably younger and have the best time of your life..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do like what most women do especially if married to wealthy men. File for divorce. You will not only have a nice alimony, but you can meet a new guy preferably younger and have the best time of your life..

They don’t give alimony these days. I have zero desire to get divorced.

Why would I want a younger guy? That sounds nasty and like an old hag trying to keep up with youth by going after a younger guy. Predatory and nasty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do like what most women do especially if married to wealthy men. File for divorce. You will not only have a nice alimony, but you can meet a new guy preferably younger and have the best time of your life..

Not to mention those younger men want nothing to do with a middle aged mom with two young kids. Those women are use for recreational purposes only until the guy finds a better option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't said anything that lets us offer helpful feedback.

What responsibility are you shouldering? How big a paycheck? What access do you have to the money he makes? ARE you expecting too much? Can't say without knowing what you expect.

He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

Now try doing all that, but with a mentally disturbed, underemployed husband whom you don't really want to divorce because he yells at the kids, but since he looks great on paper, he'd still get partial custody, and it would traumatize the kids if you weren't there to defend them. BTDT.

And please don't whine about the division of labor. You can afford to outsource.

[Anonymous]

keep the job, keep the kids in school. enroll the infant when you feel comfortable.

like everyone is saying, outsource, outsource, outsource

is there ever a time when the kids are at care and you arent at work? bc i think you might benefit from getting back in touch with you and the things you like to do. yoga? pilates? gardening? volunteering?

do you and DH ever get out for date night? maybe you also need some one on one time with your spouse, doing things you both enjoy doing, friendship, etc...

i think maybe this is just a phase bc your kids are young. give it some time! your DH sounds like a great provider, no need to throw the baby out with the bathwater