I married money and regret it

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t seem you married into money as much as you married a high-earner. Two different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t seem you married into money as much as you married a high-earner. Two different things.

She never said she married into money.
She said she married for money. Two different things.

[Anonymous]

His earning potential means nothing when he is financially illiterate. He will waste that money in no time.
OP seems financially savvy. She should protect her assets.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t read the entire thread but since the money is there why not hire a full time nanny who is willing to do housework when you’re with the kids? So much of what you did is just typical grind of having young kids and while the gender balance of work sucks but that’s also not unusual and I’m not sure divorce is ever worth it in these cases.

At least your spouse makes a lot of money that should free up things. We don’t have any of that and years later I still do the bulk of family stuff. All the camp and school planning, all the forms the communications (dh can’t even figure out the online school portals to oversee homework), all our finances and taxes , most of the cooking and tidying (we have cleaners) though no have stepped back on cooking recently . I also work more hours and care for a parent with dementia. We have help: inhired an afterschool driver and biweekly cleaners anddh runs the rest of the errands and does most appointments since he has a more flexible job. Kids are also tween and teen so much different that little ones and that’s much readier. However soon spouse will likely go into office (remote fed being called back) and be gone Monday through Friday. So I’m going to be close to a single parent. If he made 100k more a year I would go part time or just retire because I’m tired just thinking about it. Since you have the means just hire a full time person or a housekeeper to come daily for a few hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stopped reading when OP described her real struggle— making meals, surface cleaning, infant, tedium of early motherhood, and a hubs that doesn’t help clean up after the kids are in bed.

She’s unhappy because married for money instead of love. Only true deep love can survive the early years of parenthood.

Totally disagree. I married for love, and I’m in the same place as OP. Miserable because I spend all day picking up after other people plus the added pressure of being the breadwinner because H only makes $80k.

The deeper issue is having kids in today’s world just plain sucks. I think it was probably fine 10,000 years ago when you had an entire village to help you and only spend a couple hours a day “working”. But needing to work 60 hours a week just to survive plus having zero village plus the cost of having a child is in the millions nowadays, it’s absolutely horrible.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The problem isn’t that you married money. It is that it just isn’t enough money for the dad to be the checked out big earner dad who has household help for everything. That’s why you are stressed and unhappy. If you had a cook, nanny, housekeeper and cleaner, you wouldn’t regret it

400-500k is literally the 1% of earners in the U.S. They have a nanny and a housekeeper. Most women who work part time cook and raise their kids.

I know they have a nanny but where does it say that they have a daily housekeeper? That’s different from a cleaning lady who does a deep clean once a week. Housekeepers make life way easier because they help with all the daily pick up, all laundry, dishwasher, mess from the kids. Those kinds of things are what makes kids so exhausting and not enjoyable. I don’t think 500 k is enough for a FT nanny AND housekeeper unless there are very little savings

The she's doing it wrong. OP only works part time. What she should do is consolidate down to one person who works FT, watches the kids when she's working but can also help with some cleaning and meal prep.

OP, that's your parenting partner -- the FT nanny/housekeeper. Your DH is their dad but the person who is going to help you get through these little kid years with your sanity is going to be hired and paid. And then keep her when the kids start school and your whole world will open up.

I enjoy spending time with my children. I do not want a daily housekeeper or house manager.
I have zero interest in quitting my job.

I do not feel comfortable with someone handling our food. I have watched too many cooking videos and stuff to know the vast majority of people are unhygienic when it comes to preparing food. Not washing hands thoroughly between steps, trying food and then putting it back in the food, eating from the pot, etc. The same reason we don’t really eat at people’s houses. You never can trust their cooking.

You are a lot of the problem OP. You don’t eat at other peoples houses? What a weirdo.

+1

OP, I assume you don't eat at restaurants either?

Rarely. We prefer to eat better food made at home.

I am just a stickler for hygiene. One host from a playdate for my oldest was licking dip off her fingers and still touching the food she was putting out to serve. She tasted food and put the same spoon back into the pot. That’s just gross. The other touched raw meat and then touched seasonings and other ingredients without washing her hands. We wash our hands throughly, use food grade gloves for meat ( still wash hands afterwards), and we don’t eat out of the same dish or use the same spoon we ate off.

Only low class people do things like this. Surely you have normal friends who follow basic rules of hygiene and make fresh, wholesome foods?

Beg to differ
Over the holidays I observed a judge Neigbor swipe her chips in the croc pot at a holiday party.
Low brow and disgusting..

One can be high income and low class at once. High earning director would shit in the toilet and leave the bathroom without glancing at the sink to wash her hands. I had absolutely no respect for her after witnessing this.

I find that kids who went to boarding school, rich kids, often have horrendous table manners.

[Anonymous]

Sister went to boarding school in another country - she’s a mess

[Anonymous]

For your HHI, you and your DH need not be constant worker bee parents at home. That is not an effective partnership.
You need to manage your household better by delegating and outsourcing responsibility to hired service providers.

Your aim should be that you and your DH are with the kids for more effective and high return quality time - leisure, education, EC activities, socializing, travel, communication, healthy lifestyle, new skills, life skills - and with less stress and bickering in the household.

You are getting great tips on this thread. Hire weekly cleaners, get your kids into play school for a couple hours a day, get a nanny etc.

[Anonymous]

You hit the jackpot and it just ain’t enough for you. An active father who provides for the family and gives you the freedom to run the house without micromanaging you? Hire a housekeeper, if that would reduce the overwhelming feeling, but you need to get your head in the game. Imagine that your husband is overwhelmed everyday providing for you and your family and coming home to see the life he is providing is unappreciated and dissatisfying.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The problem isn’t that you married money. It is that it just isn’t enough money for the dad to be the checked out big earner dad who has household help for everything. That’s why you are stressed and unhappy. If you had a cook, nanny, housekeeper and cleaner, you wouldn’t regret it

400-500k is literally the 1% of earners in the U.S. They have a nanny and a housekeeper. Most women who work part time cook and raise their kids.

I know they have a nanny but where does it say that they have a daily housekeeper? That’s different from a cleaning lady who does a deep clean once a week. Housekeepers make life way easier because they help with all the daily pick up, all laundry, dishwasher, mess from the kids. Those kinds of things are what makes kids so exhausting and not enjoyable. I don’t think 500 k is enough for a FT nanny AND housekeeper unless there are very little savings

The she's doing it wrong. OP only works part time. What she should do is consolidate down to one person who works FT, watches the kids when she's working but can also help with some cleaning and meal prep.

OP, that's your parenting partner -- the FT nanny/housekeeper. Your DH is their dad but the person who is going to help you get through these little kid years with your sanity is going to be hired and paid. And then keep her when the kids start school and your whole world will open up.

I enjoy spending time with my children. I do not want a daily housekeeper or house manager.
I have zero interest in quitting my job.

I do not feel comfortable with someone handling our food. I have watched too many cooking videos and stuff to know the vast majority of people are unhygienic when it comes to preparing food. Not washing hands thoroughly between steps, trying food and then putting it back in the food, eating from the pot, etc. The same reason we don’t really eat at people’s houses. You never can trust their cooking.

This all makes sense now. You’re a micromanager and you dont trust anyone else enough to delegate. Except maybe to DH, but he doesn’t want to do it. I’m similar and so I used to do everything myself but I got tired and decided to enjoy life instead.

It does sound like a YOU problem. You have flexibility due to your HHI but chose to make things harder for yourself. In addition to being a micromanager it also sounds like you are a little uptight and maybe OCD which just makes life harder - this isn’t meant to be critical but just an observation from your post and responses so I could be wrong. Have you considered therapy to help set expectations and cope with the regular stresses of life? A lot of what you complain about is just living - cleaning and cooking in addition to work. A therapist may help you more than simple outsourcing groceries.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t call your husband’s salary “money.” Get a full time job and hire help.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like both you and DH have some fairly high requirements for hands on work (ex: you both want to micromanage the food your family eats), but you feel like you're taking on the burden of accomplishing it.

Have you had a conversation about that? Said you want your share of quiet evenings to yourself?

It also sounds like your DH has suggested a solution (you becoming a full-time SAHM) that you don't like. Are neither of you willing to compromise?

[Anonymous]

You're the problem. Hire help.
People with big, monied jobs have work and stress going through their head at all time. He/she needs to rely on you to handle all other items, so he/she can be the best at their job to keep earning the big bucks. This is a common dynamic. You signed up for it.

If you don't like it, divorce and then live on half of what you have now, with much added stress and the expectation of getting a job.
At age 50+ now, I realize that people (spouses) who aren't in demanding high paid jobs have NO IDEA of all it takes to be successful in said job, and also have no real appreciation of the earnings it takes to maintain an upper class lifestyle.
- Breadwinner/underappreciated mom

[Anonymous]

when i hear “married money” i expect more than 400-500k. I think trust fund. My husband makes that much and I don’t think I married money. I married well. But so did he.

[Anonymous]

You didn’t marry money, you married an unkind person.