I married money and regret it

[Anonymous]

You married the wrong money guy. Leave him and find a richer guy who will do the laundry and scrub the toilets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married mostly for a good life and regret it. I shoulder almost all of the responsibility with little help from my husband. He isn't on board with taking on any more work because he brings in the big paycheck. I don't want to divorce but I feel overwhelmed. I sometimes wonder if I'm the problem and just expect too much.

You valued the wrong things and got them. By saying you want to stay in the marriage you making that same decision everyday.

You and I have different definitions of “a good life.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't said anything that lets us offer helpful feedback.

What responsibility are you shouldering? How big a paycheck? What access do you have to the money he makes? ARE you expecting too much? Can't say without knowing what you expect.

He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

You need to manage your expectations op. Or you two should have both better managed each other’s expectations. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses and a husband who earns less money is not guaranteed to be doing more around the house.

What do you want your husband to do around the house? With 460-560K income, you can afford a full time nanny or housekeeper who will help with big chunk of what you now do. Once you find a person who you click with (and that can be some trial / error), that person will make your life significantly easier and will be more effective than trying to force your dh to scrub toilets or cook.

Is your dh against hiring full time person?

No, you didn’t read the thread. She is the one who is against hiring help. She doesn’t trust anyone to cook for her.

There are professional chefs who cook for families and make healthy food and are very clean-probably cleaner than OP. OP can’t afford them though, which is why she acts like she’s too good for one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[



He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

Op you are wrong. You’re not married for money at all. What your DH make is solid middle class. You still have to work for 60k a year. I thought you were talking about married a billionaire or something and you just chilling at home but unhappy how he act or treated you .

Anyway, your DH just isn’t a helpful father or husband. That’s it. Gotta tell him to step up or hire help.

Yea I agree - you didn’t really “marry for money”. He makes good money but clearly not insane money.

My DH makes $700k and I make $150k - I do the majority of household/parenting items because DH works a lot. If he someday starts making well over $1 million a year I may step back from work but at this point we both need to work.

Learn what “need” means before you post again.

PP - we started making $160,000 when we first got married and have steadily increased every year. We have 3 kids and have paid off all our student loans over the course of a decade and a half. We are aggressively saving for college and for retirement.

Cool story. Your husband makes $700k. You absolutely do not “need” to work. Stop playing dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[



He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

Op you are wrong. You’re not married for money at all. What your DH make is solid middle class. You still have to work for 60k a year. I thought you were talking about married a billionaire or something and you just chilling at home but unhappy how he act or treated you .

Anyway, your DH just isn’t a helpful father or husband. That’s it. Gotta tell him to step up or hire help.

Yea I agree - you didn’t really “marry for money”. He makes good money but clearly not insane money.

My DH makes $700k and I make $150k - I do the majority of household/parenting items because DH works a lot. If he someday starts making well over $1 million a year I may step back from work but at this point we both need to work.

Learn what “need” means before you post again.

PP - we started making $160,000 when we first got married and have steadily increased every year. We have 3 kids and have paid off all our student loans over the course of a decade and a half. We are aggressively saving for college and for retirement.

Cool story. Your husband makes $700k. You absolutely do not “need” to work. Stop playing dumb.

+1 these posts claiming 700k isn’t enough…I just can’t. My HHI is under 200k and we feel so fortunate to have what we need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't said anything that lets us offer helpful feedback.

What responsibility are you shouldering? How big a paycheck? What access do you have to the money he makes? ARE you expecting too much? Can't say without knowing what you expect.

He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

I had your situation except he wasn't making as much as your DH. He came from wealth though, too proud to ask for help though so we scrounged and got by. He worked extreme hours at his own business and I was left to handle literally everything related to the house and kids. What I mean by that is that I also did plumbing and electrical work.
I did not have access to money.
(Life became vastly different and improved after I went back to work and we separated)

Look, your DH is making a lot and you have access to it. You can afford to outsource. Your husband's talents do not lie in home maintenance - accept that and certain other facts about his abilities and you will have a more realistic set of expectations and a more realistic marriage.
The problems lie in unmet expectations. And maybe unrealistic expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[



He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

Op you are wrong. You’re not married for money at all. What your DH make is solid middle class. You still have to work for 60k a year. I thought you were talking about married a billionaire or something and you just chilling at home but unhappy how he act or treated you .

Anyway, your DH just isn’t a helpful father or husband. That’s it. Gotta tell him to step up or hire help.

you are f'n out of touch of you think 400-500k is "solid middle class"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman earning over 500K and do most of the stuff that you do. I would not work, even part time, for 60K, but can see why you want to stay in the game.

I didn't read the thread but I'll tell you about when I recently reached this income I told my DH to quit or do more. He didn't. So I started outsourcing everything and he complained.I guess he wanted my money and my labor. I stopped for awhile and no clothes got laundered. No food got purchased (except children's lunches) and he got the message. Yesterday he went to the grocery and was up late last night doing laundry.

Read Art of War (it's short).

You are a tough woman. Your DH is a pu**y. Poor guy.

Beta but has a big D. Got what I wanted. The money was a surprise to both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[



He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

Op you are wrong. You’re not married for money at all. What your DH make is solid middle class. You still have to work for 60k a year. I thought you were talking about married a billionaire or something and you just chilling at home but unhappy how he act or treated you .

Anyway, your DH just isn’t a helpful father or husband. That’s it. Gotta tell him to step up or hire help.

Yea I agree - you didn’t really “marry for money”. He makes good money but clearly not insane money.

My DH makes $700k and I make $150k - I do the majority of household/parenting items because DH works a lot. If he someday starts making well over $1 million a year I may step back from work but at this point we both need to work.

Learn what “need” means before you post again.

PP - we started making $160,000 when we first got married and have steadily increased every year. We have 3 kids and have paid off all our student loans over the course of a decade and a half. We are aggressively saving for college and for retirement.

Cool story. Your husband makes $700k. You absolutely do not “need” to work. Stop playing dumb.

+1 these posts claiming 700k isn’t enough…I just can’t. My HHI is under 200k and we feel so fortunate to have what we need.

Same here. I actually sometimes feel sorry for these rich idiots who must be horrifically bad with money (and probably general self sufficiency).

But usually I just find them annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem isn’t that you married money. It is that it just isn’t enough money for the dad to be the checked out big earner dad who has household help for everything. That’s why you are stressed and unhappy. If you had a cook, nanny, housekeeper and cleaner, you wouldn’t regret it

Yes. And I think people are slipping over that this guy is a doctor. There are a lot of jobs one could have that make 400 to 500k but I'd put doctor (especially if in a hospital) at one of the higher stress ways to earn this money. Of course he doesn't want to get home and start scrubbing the toilets and making playdates. He seemed pretty darn engaged on most things, so this feels like nitpicking for someone married to a doctor with the ability to either quit and stay home or outsource to some extent. The complaining about food hygiene is just neurotic BS and I am betting that is not the only thing OP is insanely picky about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine having less money and being in the same spot. That is most people.

+1 I made about the same as DH, some years more, and I still dealt with all the scheduling, etc..

DH is now retired, but I'm still working. I pushed everything to him. But, it did take some time for him to get used to it.

[Anonymous]

OP if you want to do all the cooking, fine, but then outsource more of the other stuff. Again, I don't get why you would pay for all the part time staff instead of focusing on finding one FT person to help you manage the house when that is obviously what you need. Your kids are really young and need constant supervision. You have high standards for cleanliness and food. Your husband is presumably a surgeon or some other high-demand physician and does not cook or clean. Do the math here.

A FT nanny could watch the kids while you prep dinner. She could clean while you spend time with the kids. She also serves as a FT backup if you get sick or run down. You need someone 8-5 or 9-6, daily, doing all the stuff you don't have time for or hate doing.

You also need to take the same approach of efficiency with your DH. He likes spending time with the kids but doesn't clean. Great. He can have quality time with them as they take baths and get ready for bed, and you can use that time to clean up so you don't have to do it after their bedtime. Then you both get to relax after the kids go to bed. And he gets 1:1 time with the kids which I'm guessing you already get more of.

You are getting push back here because you have lots of resources most of us don't have -- high HHI, ability to outsource, part-time work schedule -- but are acting like a martyr when this is just a logistical puzzle that requires some problem solving and discipline. Approach it like you'd approach a problem at work. At my work, if I was being run ragged with tasks while we employed multiple part time people who barely reduced my workload at all and my colleague sat around while I finished end of day tasks because, uh, he just doesn't like doing those particular tasks? I'd put together a plan and present to my bosses, to consolidate a couple if the part timers into one FT position to work asy assistant, second-in-command, and reallocate schedule so I wasn't always working late while my colleague wrapped up early.

This is your job -- figuring out how to make it work. Stop complaining and do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

What’s active about his fathering? He does the fun stuff while you do all the grunt work?

He is up in the morning with us. He helps get the kids ready. He is active when he’s at home. He helps put the kids to bed. He doesn’t help clean up, schedule appointments, or do the bulk of making parenting decisions.

This sounds like my relationship except my DH does clean. I have no problem with it. Get a daily housekeeper for tidy-up and monthly deep cleaners. Then get yourself some real problems!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[



He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

Op you are wrong. You’re not married for money at all. What your DH make is solid middle class. You still have to work for 60k a year. I thought you were talking about married a billionaire or something and you just chilling at home but unhappy how he act or treated you .

Anyway, your DH just isn’t a helpful father or husband. That’s it. Gotta tell him to step up or hire help.

Are you psychotic?

[Anonymous]

Based on their weird drip, drop of OP and her "neuroses", I've determined she is a troll. End thread.