How to tell these parents I can’t help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

What about when OP’s kid is sick or not going to school for some reason? Then the extra kids are a burden.

JFC. Then you CALL or TEXT the other parents and say “can’t take the kids today!” And let them figure it out!

Some of you people are so over the top it’s ridiculous.

Yeah this and a few recent posts have a few people scrambling to think of any reason possible, no matter how remote, why they can’t possibly help others. It’s so bizarre.

I posted earlier but would not to this for kindergarten aged kids. Too many potential issues due to age, need closer supervision, behavior issues, car seats etc if driving. Plus parents are often understandably more specific with little kids (what they can eat, are they allowed to watch any tv etc etc). I would help with kids a few years older. I usually said no to helping with little kids (and didn’t ask for it either) but older kids are totally different for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

What about when OP’s kid is sick or not going to school for some reason? Then the extra kids are a burden.

JFC. Then you CALL or TEXT the other parents and say “can’t take the kids today!” And let them figure it out!

Some of you people are so over the top it’s ridiculous.

Yeah this and a few recent posts have a few people scrambling to think of any reason possible, no matter how remote, why they can’t possibly help others. It’s so bizarre.

Meanwhile you’re scrambling to come up w reasons why this shouldn’t be a problem for OP when OP already said that it is a problem for her. She doesn’t even need to have an excuse IMO other than simply she doesn’t want to do it. I don’t think anyone would be expecting a working *dad* to do this. This is one of those things it seems people only ask women to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not DC local so don’t panic for yourself!

Our school district just sent out emails informing us all of a sudden that a dozen busses will be cancelled on a weeks long rotating basis starting tomorrow. I WFH and have flexibility and walk or drive my child because we don’t live within bus boundary. I found out about the cancellation because TWO of DS school friends parents texted me asking if I could drive their kids with mine during the closure.

I haven’t responded; I came here first!

I don’t want to do this. I have no clue how long this will go on, but I can’t be a permanent solution. Besides, I don’t want to watch kids before school/work, and I drop DS off right before the bell. It would be just as easy for these parents to drop their child off at the school; our house is only a few blocks from the school.

So what’s the best way to explain this tactfully?

“I’m so sorry but I cannot take Billy and Bobby to school as I have a very tight work schedule.” Keep it short and limit it to a very clear/firm no. If you acquiesce to this (and I think it was very presumptuous of the other parents to even put you in this position by asking you to do this)you will become resentful of these families over time as they will inevitably be late, expect you to watch their kids, not communicate on days they aren’t coming or are running late, etc etc. Plus the fact they don’t offer anything in return; just expect you to take on this job for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

What about when OP’s kid is sick or not going to school for some reason? Then the extra kids are a burden.

So, you are someone who desperately needs to volunteer to help other people, because you don’t have one clue how to talk to others and how to navigate social situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

It's interesting to me that people like you think a "real reason" must show some logistical challenge or consequence. "Doesn't want to" can't be a real reason because it's too squishy, right?

The thing is, I highly value my morning routine with my kid. Our house is calm and joyful in the morning. We are not in a rush because we've set our lives up (WFH, walkable commute to school, one kid) intentionally to keep things chill. Breakfast and the walk to school are a time when my kid talks openly with me and we connect.

I don't think I should have to explain that to anyone in order to avoid having what I like about my mornings ruined by extra obligations and more people in the house. But I also think this is a "real" reason not to do it. Just a private and personal one.

Ok, so instead of simply saying “no,” OP can say “no, I don’t want to.” Either way she’s signaling that she’s not part of the community. Which is her choice.

And I get it, I’m an introvert and I like my peace. But, I suck it up and do these things to be a good member of my community. That way, when I’m in a bind I have people who I know will help me out. My kids are now in HS and I’m glad I helped out bc I’ve ended up needing as much help as I give and I’ve never had someone say “no” when I need a hand.

[Anonymous]

A simple: Sorry I'm technically working during that time and often on calls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

What about when OP’s kid is sick or not going to school for some reason? Then the extra kids are a burden.

JFC. Then you CALL or TEXT the other parents and say “can’t take the kids today!” And let them figure it out!

Some of you people are so over the top it’s ridiculous.

This.
Has the pp never been in a carpool before? If your kid isn’t going, then you don’t drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

What about when OP’s kid is sick or not going to school for some reason? Then the extra kids are a burden.

JFC. Then you CALL or TEXT the other parents and say “can’t take the kids today!” And let them figure it out!

Some of you people are so over the top it’s ridiculous.

Yeah this and a few recent posts have a few people scrambling to think of any reason possible, no matter how remote, why they can’t possibly help others. It’s so bizarre.

Meanwhile you’re scrambling to come up w reasons why this shouldn’t be a problem for OP when OP already said that it is a problem for her. She doesn’t even need to have an excuse IMO other than simply she doesn’t want to do it. I don’t think anyone would be expecting a working *dad* to do this. This is one of those things it seems people only ask women to do.

I would. Our neighbor is my son’s lacrosse coach. He has to go to every single practice. I asked him if he can take DS with him.
If he’s not going or his child isn’t going for whatever reason, then he lets me know.

[Anonymous]

What I think people are missing is that OP doesn’t get but service anyway. The others do, so so they plan to drop and pick up from her house or go out of her way to go get them. Either way, that would be a nope from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not DC local so don’t panic for yourself!

Our school district just sent out emails informing us all of a sudden that a dozen busses will be cancelled on a weeks long rotating basis starting tomorrow. I WFH and have flexibility and walk or drive my child because we don’t live within bus boundary. I found out about the cancellation because TWO of DS school friends parents texted me asking if I could drive their kids with mine during the closure.

I haven’t responded; I came here first!

I don’t want to do this. I have no clue how long this will go on, but I can’t be a permanent solution. Besides, I don’t want to watch kids before school/work, and I drop DS off right before the bell. It would be just as easy for these parents to drop their child off at the school; our house is only a few blocks from the school.

So what’s the best way to explain this tactfully?

It would not be just as easy to drop them off at the school. The drop off line will be crazy. If they aren’t used to this, don’t have any real system for kids in wheelchairs or other SN, etc. it’s going to be even worse.

Asking a parent who lives a couple of blocks from the school if they could walk with your kid too is not the crazy ask that you think it is.
It’s probably better for the whole community if people carpool or kids walk in from a couple of blocks away.

[Anonymous]

“I know. This has been crazy. Let’s take turns walking the kids to school. Sue can take Monday and Wednesday, you take Tuesday and Thursday, and I will take them on Fridays.
Let’s just meet in my driveway at 7:55. You and Sue can leave your car here on your days to walk the kids in.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

It's interesting to me that people like you think a "real reason" must show some logistical challenge or consequence. "Doesn't want to" can't be a real reason because it's too squishy, right?

The thing is, I highly value my morning routine with my kid. Our house is calm and joyful in the morning. We are not in a rush because we've set our lives up (WFH, walkable commute to school, one kid) intentionally to keep things chill. Breakfast and the walk to school are a time when my kid talks openly with me and we connect.

I don't think I should have to explain that to anyone in order to avoid having what I like about my mornings ruined by extra obligations and more people in the house. But I also think this is a "real" reason not to do it. Just a private and personal one.

Ok, so instead of simply saying “no,” OP can say “no, I don’t want to.” Either way she’s signaling that she’s not part of the community. Which is her choice.

And I get it, I’m an introvert and I like my peace. But, I suck it up and do these things to be a good member of my community. That way, when I’m in a bind I have people who I know will help me out. My kids are now in HS and I’m glad I helped out bc I’ve ended up needing as much help as I give and I’ve never had someone say “no” when I need a hand.

JFC it's not that deep. But if this is how you determine who is in your "community" I'm gladly opting out by any means necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

Yup—OP you don’t have a real reason why you can’t help other than “don’t want to.” If they are dropped off at your house, it adds no time to take extra kids. So, there’s no reason to give. Just say “no” and they will see what your relationship is.

It's interesting to me that people like you think a "real reason" must show some logistical challenge or consequence. "Doesn't want to" can't be a real reason because it's too squishy, right?

The thing is, I highly value my morning routine with my kid. Our house is calm and joyful in the morning. We are not in a rush because we've set our lives up (WFH, walkable commute to school, one kid) intentionally to keep things chill. Breakfast and the walk to school are a time when my kid talks openly with me and we connect.

I don't think I should have to explain that to anyone in order to avoid having what I like about my mornings ruined by extra obligations and more people in the house. But I also think this is a "real" reason not to do it. Just a private and personal one.

Ok, so instead of simply saying “no,” OP can say “no, I don’t want to.” Either way she’s signaling that she’s not part of the community. Which is her choice.

And I get it, I’m an introvert and I like my peace. But, I suck it up and do these things to be a good member of my community. That way, when I’m in a bind I have people who I know will help me out. My kids are now in HS and I’m glad I helped out bc I’ve ended up needing as much help as I give and I’ve never had someone say “no” when I need a hand.

JFC it's not that deep. But if this is how you determine who is in your "community" I'm gladly opting out by any means necessary.

Yeah. It kind of is that deep. This stuff is part of being a good member of the community.
Either people carpool or walk their kids in or every single kid is dropped off in their own individual car and the drop-off line is 30 minutes long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Open with sympathy and how much the school sucks)

So, I actually work from home and I have a very short window of time that I'm able to run out and drop DS (if you want, insert something about having lots of meetings or a micromanaging boss). I usually barely manage to drop him off before the bell. If I had to add another child, I'm not confident I could get them there on time. I really wish I could help!

That is WAY too wordy and you don't owe anyone a reason why your answer is no. Plus, if you give one that gives people encouragement to problem solve. Just say no.

PP. I get that, but if I wanted to maintain good social relationships with these people, I'd give some kind of reason, even if a less wordy one.

No, if you want to maintain a relationship then you should help your friends when they need help. You want the benefits of a friendship without the commitment/follow through.

You’re a 🐖

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t really make any sense if OP lives close to school. If they’re dropping off at her house then why can’t they drop off at school? The only answer is that they want to drop off way earlier than the start of school, which makes sense because they are used to bus pick up times.
How old are these kids? If they’re old enough to walk alone, wouldn’t mind as much.

This. First paragraph is accurate and we ALL KNOW IT. Pig parents are so fast to jump all over an Op to defend aholes who offload their parenting inconveniences. End of.