I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are using you. Do you only have one kid? I have an only and this set up would piss me off because they are "making it work" with three kids by relying on both grandma to provide free childcare and you to do the school run since that would be hard for grandma. And it's not a temporary solution to a short-term bind. Like they aren't asking you to do this until they find a nanny who will be helping grandma out or until their toddler starts preschool in a few weeks. You are their permanent solution to the childcare problem of having three children but having jobs that make it hard for either of them to be around in the morning. They should have thought about this before having a third child instead of trying to lean on you.

We have famiily friends like this and I have learned to set firm boundaries with them. They often take the attitude of "well it's just so hard with three kids -- people need to help us out." But here's the think: I have an only even though I wanted another kid. But we have ZERO family help (like we didn't even have parents or family who could come help for a few weeks right after the baby was born). We realized after our first that there was such a narrow margin for error in our life and we didn't want to overextend with a second kid. So even though it was sad for me we stuck with our one [terrific] kid.

So yeah I don't have a lot of patience for people who have more kids leaning on me to solve their childcare conundrum. Especially not when they already have more family support than I do. I didn't stick to one kid so that I'd have the bandwidth to help some family with three and a live in grandparent bridge the childcare gap.

Also my experience is that there is no reciprocation in this scenario. People who set their lives up this way where they are always leaning on others for help are NEVER able to help you when you need it. You'll have a day where you need someone to pick up your son or watch him for a few hours and you'll ask them and they'll explain they'd love to but they can't because they have three kids and there's always some reason people with 3 kids can't do things.

So I'd politely let them know that you were happy to help for a while but it's actually a bit of a burden and you won't be able to do it any more.

Omg hopefully you and your perfect planning never need help. Get over your only status, seriously

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you sound like a miserable misanthrope of a person. I can’t imagine not wanting to help a new mom. Maybe she imagines you will have a baby also soon and need help, who knows. But by all means, disabuse her of the notion that most fellow parents wouldn’t care about driving three blocks!!! Out of their way so their kid can ride to school with their friend. I would give zero thoughts about doing this, so I can’t help you. And I never ask for help myself. I just can’t fathom being this miserly. five minutes?!

Not OP but no. She is being taken advantage of.

Wholeheartedly agree with this!! OP, someone saw your good heart and is asking too much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t mind at all, but you do. So don’t do it. I would simply assume someday I may need help car pooling or whatever. But, petty is as petty does.

That’s unfair. I don’t mind at all helping in a true emergency. This isn’t one.

But you knew going in this was never really going to be an emergency situation? It’s not like you didn’t know up front what the situation was.

I just don’t know why people say yes when they really mean no. You want to be seen as helpful and kind, without ever being either.

OP can be helpful and kind, and still not agree to this ridiculous ask. Declining now does not make her unhelpful or unkind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you sound like a miserable misanthrope of a person. I can’t imagine not wanting to help a new mom. Maybe she imagines you will have a baby also soon and need help, who knows. But by all means, disabuse her of the notion that most fellow parents wouldn’t care about driving three blocks!!! Out of their way so their kid can ride to school with their friend. I would give zero thoughts about doing this, so I can’t help you. And I never ask for help myself. I just can’t fathom being this miserly. five minutes?!

Not OP but no. She is being taken advantage of.

Wholeheartedly agree with this!! OP, someone saw your good heart and is asking too much

Hard disagree. 5 minutes 3x a week? I’m not seeing the warm heart here. I would not even have to think about this, this is an automatic yes. It’s such a small thing for me and such an enormous help to another family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t mind this at all if my kids were early risers and that 10 minutes wasn’t a “my kid could sleep more” issue. But carpooling is fun and you’re helping out a family who has a newborn….i don’t think 10 minutes is make or break.

I don't think the baby is a newborn -- mom is back at work part-time. So they have an infant who is maybe 2-4 months old and still doing that first-thing-in-the-morning nap. Or maybe was but is outgrowing it and staying awake longer in the morning.

I agree a carpool can be fun but it's also a commitment -- if I know I'm another families regular plan for getting their kid somewhere then I have to factor it into everything. This can be fine as long as I have a good relationship and communication with the other family and they have some kind of back up plan. For instance for what OP is describing I'd want to make sure that they aren't going to freak out if it turns out I or my kid is sick and I text at 7am letting them know we aren't going in. Or once a month or so my kid has a specialist doctors appointment and I try to do them first thing in the morning. I'd need to know that they'd have some other plan for when that came up. I wouldn't want to be trying to schedule doctor's appointments around the carpool.

It's sounds to me like the problem here is that OP doesn't actually know this family that well so there isn't that trust and understanding there. And also no one made clear how long this was going to go on -- OP obviously thought it was a temporary thing to help them with the new baby or maybe the transition to school but the family may now be assuming this will be fine forever. In other words they may be relying too heavily on her without having a backup for the inevitable times when OP won't be able to do it. They need to take more responsibility for the situation and set it up so it's easy for OP and not too burdensome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you sound like a miserable misanthrope of a person. I can’t imagine not wanting to help a new mom. Maybe she imagines you will have a baby also soon and need help, who knows. But by all means, disabuse her of the notion that most fellow parents wouldn’t care about driving three blocks!!! Out of their way so their kid can ride to school with their friend. I would give zero thoughts about doing this, so I can’t help you. And I never ask for help myself. I just can’t fathom being this miserly. five minutes?!

Not OP but no. She is being taken advantage of.

Wholeheartedly agree with this!! OP, someone saw your good heart and is asking too much

Hard disagree. 5 minutes 3x a week? I’m not seeing the warm heart here. I would not even have to think about this, this is an automatic yes. It’s such a small thing for me and such an enormous help to another family.

People are different though. People often assume that all parents have the same capacity for things but they don't. Like OP this is something I could do in a pinch or for a month or two to help a friend through a transition period but I could not do permanently. This is because my spouse has a job that starts early in the morning and leaves before our kids are even up and I also have a SN kid who often needs extra help. I have our morning routine down pat and could adjust it to help someone out but it would not be a "small thing" -- it would be an imposition I'd be willing to take on to help someone who really needed it.

[Anonymous]

OP - give her 1 month notice (with an exact date) of when you'll need to stop this. Do not give a reason. An explanation, or solving their problem (if there even is a problem) is not your responsibility.

You are entitled to a preference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her your schedule’s too tight in the morning, and if they can drop kid off at your house instead then you can drop both kids to school.

Don’t do this. If they are running late what happens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you sound like a miserable misanthrope of a person. I can’t imagine not wanting to help a new mom. Maybe she imagines you will have a baby also soon and need help, who knows. But by all means, disabuse her of the notion that most fellow parents wouldn’t care about driving three blocks!!! Out of their way so their kid can ride to school with their friend. I would give zero thoughts about doing this, so I can’t help you. And I never ask for help myself. I just can’t fathom being this miserly. five minutes?!

Not OP but no. She is being taken advantage of.

Wholeheartedly agree with this!! OP, someone saw your good heart and is asking too much

Hard disagree. 5 minutes 3x a week? I’m not seeing the warm heart here. I would not even have to think about this, this is an automatic yes. It’s such a small thing for me and such an enormous help to another family.

People are different though. People often assume that all parents have the same capacity for things but they don't. Like OP this is something I could do in a pinch or for a month or two to help a friend through a transition period but I could not do permanently. This is because my spouse has a job that starts early in the morning and leaves before our kids are even up and I also have a SN kid who often needs extra help. I have our morning routine down pat and could adjust it to help someone out but it would not be a "small thing" -- it would be an imposition I'd be willing to take on to help someone who really needed it.

OP has not given any reason why this is burdensome. She’s just mad because somehow she’s “being taken advantage of.” Frankly, we all need to up what we are doing for our communities and be less selfish. When I saw the dramatic title of this thread I expected some life altering event. But no, OP just can’t take 5 minutes out of her day 3x a week without getting something.

[Anonymous]

OP, don’t stress about this - if you don’t want to do it, say it doesn’t work for you. This is their problem, not yours. Chances are this won’t be the first time they have been told no by others who didn’t want to do them endless favors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you sound like a miserable misanthrope of a person. I can’t imagine not wanting to help a new mom. Maybe she imagines you will have a baby also soon and need help, who knows. But by all means, disabuse her of the notion that most fellow parents wouldn’t care about driving three blocks!!! Out of their way so their kid can ride to school with their friend. I would give zero thoughts about doing this, so I can’t help you. And I never ask for help myself. I just can’t fathom being this miserly. five minutes?!

Not OP but no. She is being taken advantage of.

Wholeheartedly agree with this!! OP, someone saw your good heart and is asking too much

Hard disagree. 5 minutes 3x a week? I’m not seeing the warm heart here. I would not even have to think about this, this is an automatic yes. It’s such a small thing for me and such an enormous help to another family.

People are different though. People often assume that all parents have the same capacity for things but they don't. Like OP this is something I could do in a pinch or for a month or two to help a friend through a transition period but I could not do permanently. This is because my spouse has a job that starts early in the morning and leaves before our kids are even up and I also have a SN kid who often needs extra help. I have our morning routine down pat and could adjust it to help someone out but it would not be a "small thing" -- it would be an imposition I'd be willing to take on to help someone who really needed it.

OP has not given any reason why this is burdensome. She’s just mad because somehow she’s “being taken advantage of.” Frankly, we all need to up what we are doing for our communities and be less selfish. When I saw the dramatic title of this thread I expected some life altering event. But no, OP just can’t take 5 minutes out of her day 3x a week without getting something.

I can tell you're a taker because you only credit OP with five minutes of the ten minute task. Hence, to you, it's not a big deal because you are devaluing her time even in your post.

~ someone who does a ton of carpooling and helping out three kid families

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are using you. Do you only have one kid? I have an only and this set up would piss me off because they are "making it work" with three kids by relying on both grandma to provide free childcare and you to do the school run since that would be hard for grandma. And it's not a temporary solution to a short-term bind. Like they aren't asking you to do this until they find a nanny who will be helping grandma out or until their toddler starts preschool in a few weeks. You are their permanent solution to the childcare problem of having three children but having jobs that make it hard for either of them to be around in the morning. They should have thought about this before having a third child instead of trying to lean on you.

We have famiily friends like this and I have learned to set firm boundaries with them. They often take the attitude of "well it's just so hard with three kids -- people need to help us out." But here's the think: I have an only even though I wanted another kid. But we have ZERO family help (like we didn't even have parents or family who could come help for a few weeks right after the baby was born). We realized after our first that there was such a narrow margin for error in our life and we didn't want to overextend with a second kid. So even though it was sad for me we stuck with our one [terrific] kid.

So yeah I don't have a lot of patience for people who have more kids leaning on me to solve their childcare conundrum. Especially not when they already have more family support than I do. I didn't stick to one kid so that I'd have the bandwidth to help some family with three and a live in grandparent bridge the childcare gap.

Also my experience is that there is no reciprocation in this scenario. People who set their lives up this way where they are always leaning on others for help are NEVER able to help you when you need it. You'll have a day where you need someone to pick up your son or watch him for a few hours and you'll ask them and they'll explain they'd love to but they can't because they have three kids and there's always some reason people with 3 kids can't do things.

So I'd politely let them know that you were happy to help for a while but it's actually a bit of a burden and you won't be able to do it any more.

Omg hopefully you and your perfect planning never need help. Get over your only status, seriously

Deep breaths everyone. I'm a parent of three and I've felt very much what PP describes. It could be elder care, or a home reno, or traveling partner, or demanding job, or PTA asked me to do X, or the non-profit I'm on the board of, or coaching a sport, or any number of things that are good and that fill people's lives. Everyone sees plenty of things we could spend our time on that align with their priorities. Only one person (you, not your partner, not your parents, not your kids) focuses on spending your time on your highest priorities.

[Anonymous]

Two working parents who have a bunch of kids despite inflexible work schedules are stupid and selfish. One spouse needs to get a flexible job or stay home, and the other needs to get a better paying job if they want to have a bunch of kids.

Most of us limit the number of kids we have and balance our work schedules so we can enjoy quality time with our families, not pick up the slack for over-breeders who gotta be at the office 8-6.

[Anonymous]

How about you act on your preference -to not do it- without vilifying the other Mom.

When someone doesn't have the guts to say no originally, or no later, no need to frame it as, "being taken advantage of."

It was a favor that you are now no longer willing to do.

[Anonymous]

This would annoy me. Mornings before school are usually hectic. I’d hate to add more tasks when I’m usually scrambling to get out the door. I imagine this is somewhat tolerable during the early fall months but will get old really quickly in bad weather. I would end this arrangement guilt-free.