I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My last question, on the days that the mom is home do they offer to pick your child up?
If not, they are users.

NP. I tend to agree with this general sentiment. This is the kind of long-standing, ongoing, non "something came up", kind of request for help that should come with some kind of a reciprocal offer. This is an imposition, and the other family is not even really in a bind -- they have grandam available to drive. Getting kids out of the door in the morning is a PITA. I see posts complaining about it all the time. I would never dream of asking my neighbor to add to their mornings by driving out of their way and picking up my child and taking them to school three mornings a week without, in the same breath, offering something in return. If my car were not big enough to drive their child some mornings, then perhaps I could offer to host a standing playdate or standing playground outing or something!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume they think they will car pool when the baby is older. But you don't like helping, so do not help. It really is that simple.

If they thought this why wouldn't they say this.

Here is what I know about people who like to take advantage of others:

They are often a bit unclear in requests on purpose because that enables them to play dumb later. "Oh we thought you were find doing this all year even though we definitely never said 'can you help us out this year with the school commute.'"

They are good at soliciting sympathy to make people feel obligated. This is why the family made their request all about the infant's sleep and not wanting to wake the baby -- most moms are going to be sympathetic to that. Note there are other ways to frame this that would have been equally (and perhaps more) true but less sympathetic. Like if they'd said "my mom is watching the little ones but she is balking about doing the school run on the mornings I have to work" or "my office is being a stickler about my start time and DH doesn't want to adjust his hours to accommodate" OP might have been less inclined to say yes. She might have thought "ok I get that's an issue but it sounds like an internal family problem for you to resolve." But by framing it as a problem specifically with an infant's sleep schedule they make themselves look as sympathetic as possible.

This. I have a neighbor who overscheduled her kids and has a DH who doesn't do anything and it's always framed as this very desperate scenario when really it's a simple matter of poor planning and family priorities. This sounds like something they could work out at the family level.

+1 It’s this. This question comes up time and again. The mom who asked the favor didn’t go into this with a vendetta to take advantage of the OP. She was probably chatting with her husband and the grandma about the challenge of getting the 6 year old to school with the other little ones and one of them said, do you have a neighbor already going who could give him a ride? So she asked. The 3 kid family is completely wrapped up in their own little life and did not consider that this might be a minor inconvenience or burden on OP because “she’s going anyway.” They do not perceive it as any extra anything for OP because they are only thinking about themselves, not in a malicious way, but in a way that doesn’t really respect or appreciate the OP.

There’s also a lot of people who have no problem asking others to do things, figuring the people can say yes or no. The issue is the other half of people feel very guilty saying no because they would never even think of asking for help unless they were desperate, so they say yes thinking the other person is in a bind, but then feel trapped when they discover the person wasn’t in an actual bind. And then they feel further resentful that the onus is on THEM to un-volunteer, which is further anxiety and guilt producing.

OP, you can tell them you can’t drive the kid anymore. They’ll figure it out. Yes it is hard to get 3 kids out the door to do one drop off, but grandma will manage. Also this whole baby needing to sleep is ridiculous. Babies take a million naps and their schedules can be adjusted. Third babies get woken and taken places all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have an extra car seat in your car for this kid?

No, I don’t, but it’s not required at six.

6 year olds need to be in boosters ata minimum!!

[Anonymous]

Tell her your schedule’s too tight in the morning, and if they can drop kid off at your house instead then you can drop both kids to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume they think they will car pool when the baby is older. But you don't like helping, so do not help. It really is that simple.

If they thought this why wouldn't they say this.

Here is what I know about people who like to take advantage of others:

They are often a bit unclear in requests on purpose because that enables them to play dumb later. "Oh we thought you were find doing this all year even though we definitely never said 'can you help us out this year with the school commute.'"

They are good at soliciting sympathy to make people feel obligated. This is why the family made their request all about the infant's sleep and not wanting to wake the baby -- most moms are going to be sympathetic to that. Note there are other ways to frame this that would have been equally (and perhaps more) true but less sympathetic. Like if they'd said "my mom is watching the little ones but she is balking about doing the school run on the mornings I have to work" or "my office is being a stickler about my start time and DH doesn't want to adjust his hours to accommodate" OP might have been less inclined to say yes. She might have thought "ok I get that's an issue but it sounds like an internal family problem for you to resolve." But by framing it as a problem specifically with an infant's sleep schedule they make themselves look as sympathetic as possible.

This. I have a neighbor who overscheduled her kids and has a DH who doesn't do anything and it's always framed as this very desperate scenario when really it's a simple matter of poor planning and family priorities. This sounds like something they could work out at the family level.

+1 It’s this. This question comes up time and again. The mom who asked the favor didn’t go into this with a vendetta to take advantage of the OP. She was probably chatting with her husband and the grandma about the challenge of getting the 6 year old to school with the other little ones and one of them said, do you have a neighbor already going who could give him a ride? So she asked. The 3 kid family is completely wrapped up in their own little life and did not consider that this might be a minor inconvenience or burden on OP because “she’s going anyway.” They do not perceive it as any extra anything for OP because they are only thinking about themselves, not in a malicious way, but in a way that doesn’t really respect or appreciate the OP.

There’s also a lot of people who have no problem asking others to do things, figuring the people can say yes or no. The issue is the other half of people feel very guilty saying no because they would never even think of asking for help unless they were desperate, so they say yes thinking the other person is in a bind, but then feel trapped when they discover the person wasn’t in an actual bind. And then they feel further resentful that the onus is on THEM to un-volunteer, which is further anxiety and guilt producing.

OP, you can tell them you can’t drive the kid anymore. They’ll figure it out. Yes it is hard to get 3 kids out the door to do one drop off, but grandma will manage. Also this whole baby needing to sleep is ridiculous. Babies take a million naps and their schedules can be adjusted. Third babies get woken and taken places all the time.

Perfectly summarized.

I have always been in the half of people who would never ask for this kind of help unless it was a true emergency and I'd exhausted all other options (and would never expect it on an ongoing basis) and that is why I advised OP that she is being taken advantage of and should extricate herself -- I have been in her shoes too many times and have learned my lesson.

I also think the people who think this is no big deal if it's ongoing haven't thought that through (nor has this other family). What happens if:

- OP's kid is sick and not going to school
- OP has a family emergency and is out of town
- OP's kid struggles with daylight savings and is a bear to get out the door on time for a week or so resulting in both kids being late
- The other family has a late morning and OP has to wait for their son and this makes OP's son late and OP late to work

And so on. If it's something OP is doing for a month or so until they work out a schedule with the baby then this stuff is not a big deal -- if it happens it happens and the they'll figure it out. But if this is a permanent expectation then OP now has this obligation not just to drive 3 blocks out of her way 3x a week but to always be ready to go early enough to do this and to contact this family if anything comes up that would keep her from doing it. It winds up becoming part of her mental load.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, hard no from me on something like this. Just say it won’t work for you going forward, see you soon, and don’t think about it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have an extra car seat in your car for this kid?

No, I don’t, but it’s not required at six.

6 year olds need to be in boosters ata minimum!!

Thank you!

All this hemming and hawwing and you are literally setting yourself up to be fined or liable for injuries in an accident. And those parents would sue you.

[Anonymous]

Been there, OP, and the demands increase as time goes on.

If it's an imposition, find a gracious way to tell them it won't work anymore. Plenty of suggestions in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t mind helping sometimes but not the getting sucked into a routine part.

Say that when you agree to help. Clear is kind.

You are radiating something, and it isn’t kindness, let me be clear.

[Anonymous]

I think there are people in this world who genuinely have no clue about the enormity of their asks from others. BUT those people are often not appalled by others refusing their requests, either. I have a friend who routinely asks other moms to watch her 3 kids while she runs to the store or goes to the doctor; meanwhile another friend will literally take her to two children to the OBGYN with her before inconveniencing anyone else.

[Anonymous]

OP can just say no, but I seriously doubt it’s as complicated as the PPs are making it. Grandmother probably puts the baby down when she unloads the older kid.

I have an only child and work that fluctuates, and I really don’t mind helping out when I can without reciprocation and I wouldn’t be looking that hard at the backstory. But I also wouldn’t stress about saying no if I couldn’t do it any more.

OP the person you can control here is you, so stop tying yourself in knots. Do it or don’t. The end.

[Anonymous]

Do what you want but your son will probably lose his friend if you stop being mommy taxi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do what you want but your son will probably lose his friend if you stop being mommy taxi.

Well then that's not a friend worth having. Better to learn early that people who condition friendship on you being useful to them are not where you should invest your time anyway.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t mind this at all if my kids were early risers and that 10 minutes wasn’t a “my kid could sleep more” issue. But carpooling is fun and you’re helping out a family who has a newborn….i don’t think 10 minutes is make or break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're resentful then tell her your schedule has changed and you can no longer do it. They will figure something else out.

+1