I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the friend should hire a part-time nanny to handle such things as picking up kids from school.

OP, this is a big responsibility that you now resent. Tell your friend that you no longer want this responsibility.

This. What’s wrong with hiring paid help? My college-age niece works as a nanny 3 mornings a week from 6-9. She wakes the kids up, gets them ready for school, takes them to school, and returns home to clean up the kitchen before going to her own classes. She is paid very well for this, which she loves.

Maybe they feel they can’t afford paid help. That’s why they have the grandma helping. It’s also not at all easy to find a helper for just 3 mornings a week. They will need to get an au pair eventually.

Then they had no business having, and keeping, 3 kids, especially if Grandma can’t handle them all herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't even juggle with my own 2 kids. I never ask others to help for pickup/dropoff/carpool, and no one will never reach out to me for the same thing as well. That is why I don't belong to some mom group.

I have three kids and every single time I have entered into a carpooling-type arrangement with another family it has started with 1) me suggesting it AND 2) me offering for at least the first time to do the driving. Eg- "Hey Jane, looks like from the Evite both of our DDs were invited to to Larla's party in BFE on Saturday. Would you like me to take her?"

I get that the OP could have said no, but I find it pretty galling that the family made this ask of her without offering to do something in return. No, not everything has to be totally tit-for-tat but if you are asking for a favor you should be ready to offer anything in return.

Also, I know everyone likes to hate on ppl with three kids but I definitely do more than my share of driving- I have twins so will make sure that I drive at least twice for every time a friend take my two.

[Anonymous]

I asked for this type of help twice while my kid was growing up. The first time I had a florist deliver flowers as a thank you to the kind older lady from the preschool who volunteered to help. The second time was due to a sudden death in my family, and I asked a mom friend if my kid could hang out with her kid for a few hours. Her kid hung out at my house a lot, so it was reciprocal.

You don't take advantage of people. Why is that so hard to understand for some of the posters?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP can you share how this ended up?

Yes, OP, it’s been a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t mind at all, but you do. So don’t do it. I would simply assume someday I may need help car pooling or whatever. But, petty is as petty does.

That’s unfair. I don’t mind at all helping in a true emergency. This isn’t one.

But you knew going in this was never really going to be an emergency situation? It’s not like you didn’t know up front what the situation was.

I just don’t know why people say yes when they really mean no. You want to be seen as helpful and kind, without ever being either.

Or

Why does a parent who needs a driver for their kid guilt a friend into doing it by lying about the baby's nap schedule? Why not just be clear up front and say "We aren't going to bother making our schedules work to get our kid to school, and though we have child care, we don't want to inconvenience that person, so can you be our free ride? And please don't ask us to reciprocate, because as we mentioned, we have no intention of changing our schedule to help out with anyone's kids, including our own."

It's not the distance or the time that upsets OP, it's the vibe you get when you realize you are laboring for someone who lied to get you to do it and gives you nothing in return, not even a friendship. She's not helping; she's the help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you sound like a miserable misanthrope of a person. I can’t imagine not wanting to help a new mom. Maybe she imagines you will have a baby also soon and need help, who knows. But by all means, disabuse her of the notion that most fellow parents wouldn’t care about driving three blocks!!! Out of their way so their kid can ride to school with their friend. I would give zero thoughts about doing this, so I can’t help you. And I never ask for help myself. I just can’t fathom being this miserly. five minutes?!

Not OP but no. She is being taken advantage of.

Wholeheartedly agree with this!! OP, someone saw your good heart and is asking too much

Hard disagree. 5 minutes 3x a week? I’m not seeing the warm heart here. I would not even have to think about this, this is an automatic yes. It’s such a small thing for me and such an enormous help to another family.

One day OP’s kid will get sick and OP will not be driving to school and the other family will be mad that their free taxi service is unavailable. Ask me how I know.

And then OP will be in the hospital and need the other family to do pick up, but they won't. It's a one way deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you sound like a miserable misanthrope of a person. I can’t imagine not wanting to help a new mom. Maybe she imagines you will have a baby also soon and need help, who knows. But by all means, disabuse her of the notion that most fellow parents wouldn’t care about driving three blocks!!! Out of their way so their kid can ride to school with their friend. I would give zero thoughts about doing this, so I can’t help you. And I never ask for help myself. I just can’t fathom being this miserly. five minutes?!

NP here. In my house even that 5-10 minutes that OP uses is a big deal in the morning. We have missed our bus because of being late 5 minutes and then having to drop off our kids at school.

Just because you can do it does not mean OP can. From what I read, originally it was presented a baby sleeps at that time situation and OP now sees that the baby is not actually sleeping at that time and OP feels resentful because it is adding 10 minutes to her schedule. If OP feels resentful, it is better to cut it now before it becomes stressful for OP. It does not make her a miserly person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you sound like a miserable misanthrope of a person. I can’t imagine not wanting to help a new mom. Maybe she imagines you will have a baby also soon and need help, who knows. But by all means, disabuse her of the notion that most fellow parents wouldn’t care about driving three blocks!!! Out of their way so their kid can ride to school with their friend. I would give zero thoughts about doing this, so I can’t help you. And I never ask for help myself. I just can’t fathom being this miserly. five minutes?!

Not OP but no. She is being taken advantage of.

Wholeheartedly agree with this!! OP, someone saw your good heart and is asking too much

Hard disagree. 5 minutes 3x a week? I’m not seeing the warm heart here. I would not even have to think about this, this is an automatic yes. It’s such a small thing for me and such an enormous help to another family.

I’m not seeing YOUR warm heart, only entitlement. No one owes you shit. Take care of your own kids.

I’m taking care of mine and others as well. Not sure how you get entitlement from me saying it’s an automatic yes for me to do such a small thing.

You think everyone should be like you. That's being very generous with time that's not yours.

+1 Easy for that poster to say that it is such a small thing, with time that is not hers.

Urghh. I hate these goody shoes type who make others feel bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t mind at all, but you do. So don’t do it. I would simply assume someday I may need help car pooling or whatever. But, petty is as petty does.

That’s unfair. I don’t mind at all helping in a true emergency. This isn’t one.

But you originally agreed to help when there was a true emergency?

Yes, I did. It isn’t an emergency anymore, it’s a convenience. Wouldn’t you think the grandma would have, while holding the baby, come up and ask if I would still mind?

This is not what you initially said.

Before school started, the mom asked me if I would mind picking up her son on the days she works and grandma is there, because the infant is still sleeping at school drop-off time.

So, there wasn't an emergency, and you apparently agreed to do it for an indefinite period of time.

If you have changed your mind, that's fine, that's your right. But don't try to frame it as if they pulled a bait and switch on you, because there's no indication of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t mind at all, but you do. So don’t do it. I would simply assume someday I may need help car pooling or whatever. But, petty is as petty does.

That’s unfair. I don’t mind at all helping in a true emergency. This isn’t one.

But you originally agreed to help when there was a true emergency?

Yes, I did. It isn’t an emergency anymore, it’s a convenience. Wouldn’t you think the grandma would have, while holding the baby, come up and ask if I would still mind?

This is not what you initially said.

Before school started, the mom asked me if I would mind picking up her son on the days she works and grandma is there, because the infant is still sleeping at school drop-off time.

So, there wasn't an emergency, and you apparently agreed to do it for an indefinite period of time.

If you have changed your mind, that's fine, that's your right. But don't try to frame it as if they pulled a bait and switch on you, because there's no indication of that.

Do you lack reading comprehension? How conveniently you ignored the "because the infant is still sleeping at school drop-off time" that OP wrote. Of course this is a bait and switch if OP saw the baby was happily smiling in grandma's arms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t mind at all, but you do. So don’t do it. I would simply assume someday I may need help car pooling or whatever. But, petty is as petty does.

That’s unfair. I don’t mind at all helping in a true emergency. This isn’t one.

One day you may need help too and this family might be in a position to help. But clearly you're finding it inconvenient so tell them your schedule has changed.

She may need that help someday.

That family will never be the one to actually help OP or another family, though. Come on sweetie.

Ok, since you anonymous internet poster can predict the actions of all people through your magic powers of the thread, I guess there's no more need to discuss this. People have different cycles of life and that their interactions with you can change over time. For example, a few years ago, I felt my neighbors who had many kids with two working parents were taking advantage of me being home on maternity leave and always sending their kids over. But now, I'm off maternity leave, and their kids are older and need less support and of late, they've helped me out more than I've helped them.

Well, good for you. But OP resents this, so she can put an end to this if she wants. Like the other PP said, the takers most likely will not the be ones helping OP when she is in a crutch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t mind at all, but you do. So don’t do it. I would simply assume someday I may need help car pooling or whatever. But, petty is as petty does.

That’s unfair. I don’t mind at all helping in a true emergency. This isn’t one.

But you knew going in this was never really going to be an emergency situation? It’s not like you didn’t know up front what the situation was.

I just don’t know why people say yes when they really mean no. You want to be seen as helpful and kind, without ever being either.

Or

Why does a parent who needs a driver for their kid guilt a friend into doing it by lying about the baby's nap schedule? Why not just be clear up front and say "We aren't going to bother making our schedules work to get our kid to school, and though we have child care, we don't want to inconvenience that person, so can you be our free ride? And please don't ask us to reciprocate, because as we mentioned, we have no intention of changing our schedule to help out with anyone's kids, including our own."

It's not the distance or the time that upsets OP, it's the vibe you get when you realize you are laboring for someone who lied to get you to do it and gives you nothing in return, not even a friendship. She's not helping; she's the help.

It is so bizarre to assume they were lying. Baby sleep goes through all sorts of changes and blips, and there is probably more going on in the house these mornings (mom getting ready for work) that could account for baby waking up before its "normal" time. Once they settle into a routine, who knows how it will end up. But there's no reason at all to assume they were lying, and it's such a dark perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you sound like a miserable misanthrope of a person. I can’t imagine not wanting to help a new mom. Maybe she imagines you will have a baby also soon and need help, who knows. But by all means, disabuse her of the notion that most fellow parents wouldn’t care about driving three blocks!!! Out of their way so their kid can ride to school with their friend. I would give zero thoughts about doing this, so I can’t help you. And I never ask for help myself. I just can’t fathom being this miserly. five minutes?!

Not OP but no. She is being taken advantage of.

Wholeheartedly agree with this!! OP, someone saw your good heart and is asking too much

Hard disagree. 5 minutes 3x a week? I’m not seeing the warm heart here. I would not even have to think about this, this is an automatic yes. It’s such a small thing for me and such an enormous help to another family.

People are different though. People often assume that all parents have the same capacity for things but they don't. Like OP this is something I could do in a pinch or for a month or two to help a friend through a transition period but I could not do permanently. This is because my spouse has a job that starts early in the morning and leaves before our kids are even up and I also have a SN kid who often needs extra help. I have our morning routine down pat and could adjust it to help someone out but it would not be a "small thing" -- it would be an imposition I'd be willing to take on to help someone who really needed it.

OP has not given any reason why this is burdensome. She’s just mad because somehow she’s “being taken advantage of.” Frankly, we all need to up what we are doing for our communities and be less selfish. When I saw the dramatic title of this thread I expected some life altering event. But no, OP just can’t take 5 minutes out of her day 3x a week without getting something.

I can tell you're a taker because you only credit OP with five minutes of the ten minute task. Hence, to you, it's not a big deal because you are devaluing her time even in your post.

~ someone who does a ton of carpooling and helping out three kid families

I don't think it's a 10-minute task. OP says it's five minutes but she allows for ten minutes just in case. That affects her, in that she has to get out the door ten minutes earlier than she would otherwise (versus five minutes earlier without the buffer, or zero minutes earlier without providing the ride), but it doesn't seem like it usually (or even often) takes the whole ten minutes. Most schools have an arrival range, so if she's getting to school ten minutes earlier than she would otherwise, she can likely drop off the kids and be on her way. So she gets the time back (though she may prefer to have it back on the early AM side rather than on the post–drop-off side).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Three blocks does not equal 10 minutes. The fact that you are exaggerating means you don’t want to do this. So tell them that you can no longer make this work. It doesn’t make you a bad person.

3 blocks in traffic can be 10 minutes.

[Anonymous]

It's not an imposition -- it is literally not being "imposed" on OP. She was asked and accepted. That's not to say she can't decline going forward (some people would find this easy, but OP clearly doesn't), but I don't get this idea that it is some terrible crime to even have asked. It makes life easier for this family, carpooling is better for the environment, and some people would find the burden of this negligible. Someone said this punishes less assertive people who don't like to say no, but come on. Grow up. If it works for you, great, if it doesn't, it doesn't. Say so. If someone balks at your "no," then fine, they're annoying, but there's no reason to believe these people would have been weird about it (or would be weird about OP having a sick day or whatever). It feels like there is so much resentment these days (f these guys for having three kids) and such weird social isolation (it is wrong for people to even ask me things).

This family apparently can't reciprocate with carpooling right now, but for all we know have every intention of trying to make themselves helpful to OP if the opportunity presents itself or when the baby gets older and their lives calm down.