I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t mind at all, but you do. So don’t do it. I would simply assume someday I may need help car pooling or whatever. But, petty is as petty does.

That’s unfair. I don’t mind at all helping in a true emergency. This isn’t one.

But you originally agreed to help when there was a true emergency?

Yes, I did. It isn’t an emergency anymore, it’s a convenience. Wouldn’t you think the grandma would have, while holding the baby, come up and ask if I would still mind?

[Anonymous]

So you didn’t agree to do this for any more than a few days? A week?

[Anonymous]

How does the kid get home? Maybe they can do pick up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three blocks does not equal 10 minutes. The fact that you are exaggerating means you don’t want to do this. So tell them that you can no longer make this work. It doesn’t make you a bad person.

I said it takes five, but I allow for 10 since I’m going out of my way and have to traverse a major intersection near the school. I don’t want the kids to be late.

Do you have to traverse that intersection without the kid pickup or only because of this kid?

I would probably do it for a little while but then cut it off at some point. Maybe fish around to see if there is some plan once the baby is a bit older? Like I get leaving the house with a newborn can be stressful, but by 6 months old they should have some routine down. If this seems like their plan for the year then make up some excuse like your schedule will be changing as of X date.

[Anonymous]

Is this public school? Is there a reason the kids aren’t taking the bus? If there’s a bus, it seems easy enough for grandma to walk baby and kid over to bus stop.

Or maybe the other mom could do pickup for you? In general. I feel like the more you can built connections with other parents, the easier your life is in the long run, but I can also understand not wanting to be responsible for someone else’s kid every morning.

[Anonymous]

It is wild to me how nasty people are here. Just HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR. Why the need for reciprocity or payment? My god you people are awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend of DS6, whom he met in K, has an infant sibling. The parents work (mom only part-time) but have a grandma who watches the infant (and another preschool-aged sibling) during the day when mom isn’t home. It’s been three days a week. Before school started, the mom asked me if I would mind picking up her son on the days she works and grandma is there, because the infant is still sleeping at school drop-off time. It takes me three blocks out of my way and only around five minutes, but it’s still something I have to factor into my morning time-wise and I do allow myself an extra 10 minutes, just in case. The first week, grandma would come out and get the boy in the car and was very thankful. But last week and now today, grandma sent him out himself while holding the clearly awake and happy infant, and no one looks frazzled in the least.

I get it. It’s easier for me to swing by and grab the kid than it is for grandma to get three kids into the car. But I find myself growing resentful. How hard would it have been to just ask if I’d still mind? Clearly the baby isn’t sleeping. This is a convenience framed as something else. I keep thinking about how “convenient” it would be to have that extra ten minute buffer in the morning.

I have no idea what to do, but I worry the resentment will only increase as the year goes on. What would you do?

?????

The grandmother cant or wont do it, it doesnt matter why. Assume she just doesnt feel like it. What do you mean "still" mind? You mean ask again aftr 1 (one) week? How do you know the infant will be awake at the time every day going forward?

That is why she asked if you would and didnt instruct you to do it. So you could decide. It is reasonable question bc most people wouldnt mind. And you said yes, prob bc of all people it would inconvenience you the least.

If it has turned out to be so burdensome for you to do it, just tell her you cant. Or wont or dont feel like it. Especially since so much time has elasped for curcumstances to change.

most people only like accepting favors from people that are happy to do them and for whom doing them is easy, i.e. not you. Why not just tell her? weird

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this public school? Is there a reason the kids aren’t taking the bus? If there’s a bus, it seems easy enough for grandma to walk baby and kid over to bus stop.

Or maybe the other mom could do pickup for you? In general. I feel like the more you can built connections with other parents, the easier your life is in the long run, but I can also understand not wanting to be responsible for someone else’s kid every morning.

if it only takes a few mins to drive there, they prob live too close for the bus. Just a guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this public school? Is there a reason the kids aren’t taking the bus? If there’s a bus, it seems easy enough for grandma to walk baby and kid over to bus stop.

Or maybe the other mom could do pickup for you? In general. I feel like the more you can built connections with other parents, the easier your life is in the long run, but I can also understand not wanting to be responsible for someone else’s kid every morning.

THIS. Yeah, it's an inconvenience, but it's also part of being in community with others. If it makes you feel better, think of it as a favor you are doing for the grandma (an elder in your community) rather than a favor you are doing for the mom.

[Anonymous]

They are using you. Do you only have one kid? I have an only and this set up would piss me off because they are "making it work" with three kids by relying on both grandma to provide free childcare and you to do the school run since that would be hard for grandma. And it's not a temporary solution to a short-term bind. Like they aren't asking you to do this until they find a nanny who will be helping grandma out or until their toddler starts preschool in a few weeks. You are their permanent solution to the childcare problem of having three children but having jobs that make it hard for either of them to be around in the morning. They should have thought about this before having a third child instead of trying to lean on you.

We have famiily friends like this and I have learned to set firm boundaries with them. They often take the attitude of "well it's just so hard with three kids -- people need to help us out." But here's the think: I have an only even though I wanted another kid. But we have ZERO family help (like we didn't even have parents or family who could come help for a few weeks right after the baby was born). We realized after our first that there was such a narrow margin for error in our life and we didn't want to overextend with a second kid. So even though it was sad for me we stuck with our one [terrific] kid.

So yeah I don't have a lot of patience for people who have more kids leaning on me to solve their childcare conundrum. Especially not when they already have more family support than I do. I didn't stick to one kid so that I'd have the bandwidth to help some family with three and a live in grandparent bridge the childcare gap.

Also my experience is that there is no reciprocation in this scenario. People who set their lives up this way where they are always leaning on others for help are NEVER able to help you when you need it. You'll have a day where you need someone to pick up your son or watch him for a few hours and you'll ask them and they'll explain they'd love to but they can't because they have three kids and there's always some reason people with 3 kids can't do things.

So I'd politely let them know that you were happy to help for a while but it's actually a bit of a burden and you won't be able to do it any more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t mind at all, but you do. So don’t do it. I would simply assume someday I may need help car pooling or whatever. But, petty is as petty does.

That’s unfair. I don’t mind at all helping in a true emergency. This isn’t one.

But you originally agreed to help when there was a true emergency?

Yes, I did. It isn’t an emergency anymore, it’s a convenience. Wouldn’t you think the grandma would have, while holding the baby, come up and ask if I would still mind?

i , pp, missed the emergency bit. it was supposed to be a single day that the baby was still asleep? how did you know to go there the second day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you didn’t agree to do this for any more than a few days? A week?

The way she presented it was, the baby is still sleeping during drop-off so if you could pick up DS, we won’t have to wake up baby. I agreed to that, because who wants to wake a baby for the day for a ten minute drop-off process. But it’s clear the baby ISN’T sleeping.

[Anonymous]

Can it be a carpool? So you do the three days she’s working, and she picks up your son on the other two days? This way you both get benefit from the arrangement?

[Anonymous]

Wow, people. OP was helping when there were exigent circumstances, but obviously that pressing need isn't as pressing.

Do you all just see everyone else as supporting cast for you? The deal is we ask for help when we need it, but we don't impose if we don't need it (unless it's a trade-off thing, or your very good friend, or something).

it is absolutely a-okay for OP to politely decline to continue this. I doubt everyone in this thread says yes to everything other people might ask -- if you do, then people likely avoid asking you for small annoying things, for whatever reason.

And OP still gets to lean on her community when in dire need. This is obviously not dire need.

[Anonymous]

Op, you sound like a miserable misanthrope of a person. I can’t imagine not wanting to help a new mom. Maybe she imagines you will have a baby also soon and need help, who knows. But by all means, disabuse her of the notion that most fellow parents wouldn’t care about driving three blocks!!! Out of their way so their kid can ride to school with their friend. I would give zero thoughts about doing this, so I can’t help you. And I never ask for help myself. I just can’t fathom being this miserly. five minutes?!