I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation this summer. Family has two working parents and 4 kids and two involved grandparents plus an aunt, but they couldn’t get kid A to an activity if grandparents and aunt were getting kids B, C and D to other activity. I said yes to driving kid A to the activity with my kid. All was fine until day 2, when we were standing in the street outside our house waiting for kid A to be dropped off by a grandparent for 25 minutes after the agreed-upon dropoff time. I didn’t have contact for any of the grandparents so I texted both parents asking if kid A was still planning on attending the activity and to let me know if she still needed a ride because we were going to leave.

They were finally like “wait, she isn’t there?”…but didn’t contact the grandparents or anything. We were super late. When they finally showed up and didn’t even apologize or acknowledge the time. They dropped the girl at the end of the block and had her run to our house. The parents texted back and were like “we’ll do rides the next time!”

There will not be a next time. I no longer help people who have more kids and way more help than me and I have learned that grandparents in these situations are usually stretched thing and just not reliable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a similar situation this summer. Family has two working parents and 4 kids and two involved grandparents plus an aunt, but they couldn’t get kid A to an activity if grandparents and aunt were getting kids B, C and D to other activity. I said yes to driving kid A to the activity with my kid. All was fine until day 2, when we were standing in the street outside our house waiting for kid A to be dropped off by a grandparent for 25 minutes after the agreed-upon dropoff time. I didn’t have contact for any of the grandparents so I texted both parents asking if kid A was still planning on attending the activity and to let me know if she still needed a ride because we were going to leave.

They were finally like “wait, she isn’t there?”…but didn’t contact the grandparents or anything. We were super late. When they finally showed up and didn’t even apologize or acknowledge the time. They dropped the girl at the end of the block and had her run to our house. The parents texted back and were like “we’ll do rides the next time!”

There will not be a next time. I no longer help people who have more kids and way more help than me and I have learned that grandparents in these situations are usually stretched thing and just not reliable.

It is always the families with 3+ kids and local grandparent help who seem to be taking advantage of the singleton moms. My anecdotal experience here is that these are the moms who are the youngest daughter and used to being coddled by their parents and everyone else in their lives, so they see nothing wrong with expecting their friends to do the same.

I am an oldest daughter, I seem very type A, and tend to appear very together and I attract "friends" like this. I realized in therapy that they seek me out because I am a natural problem solver. I not longer make myself available to solve their problems and no longer have as many friends who are a drain. I help out friends often, but not that kind of friend anymore.

[Anonymous]

The OP bashers don’t seem to realize that the neighbor is not entitled to OP’s assistance. Even if she were a relative or close friend, she’s allowed to prioritize herself. They are asking for ongoing, unpaid help. Not for a one-off emergency.

My neighbor was genuinely in a bad situation and I helped a few times, but I did not have the energy to assist on a regular basis. It was taking time away from time with my own kids. She also asked for help at night, but when I am done working, caring for my kids, and cleaning up after them, the last thing I want to do is take care of other kids. I treasure my small window of relaxation time before bed. I realize she has no chance to rest and I feel bad for her, but that doesn’t make her problems my responsibility.

And why are people acting like OP doesn’t contribute to her community? She already helped this family. And people are allowed to allocate their resources to causes of their choosing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you sound like a miserable misanthrope of a person. I can’t imagine not wanting to help a new mom. Maybe she imagines you will have a baby also soon and need help, who knows. But by all means, disabuse her of the notion that most fellow parents wouldn’t care about driving three blocks!!! Out of their way so their kid can ride to school with their friend. I would give zero thoughts about doing this, so I can’t help you. And I never ask for help myself. I just can’t fathom being this miserly. five minutes?!

Not OP but no. She is being taken advantage of.

Wholeheartedly agree with this!! OP, someone saw your good heart and is asking too much

Hard disagree. 5 minutes 3x a week? I’m not seeing the warm heart here. I would not even have to think about this, this is an automatic yes. It’s such a small thing for me and such an enormous help to another family.

I’m not seeing YOUR warm heart, only entitlement. No one owes you shit. Take care of your own kids.

I’m taking care of mine and others as well. Not sure how you get entitlement from me saying it’s an automatic yes for me to do such a small thing.

You think everyone should be like you. That's being very generous with time that's not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a similar situation this summer. Family has two working parents and 4 kids and two involved grandparents plus an aunt, but they couldn’t get kid A to an activity if grandparents and aunt were getting kids B, C and D to other activity. I said yes to driving kid A to the activity with my kid. All was fine until day 2, when we were standing in the street outside our house waiting for kid A to be dropped off by a grandparent for 25 minutes after the agreed-upon dropoff time. I didn’t have contact for any of the grandparents so I texted both parents asking if kid A was still planning on attending the activity and to let me know if she still needed a ride because we were going to leave.

They were finally like “wait, she isn’t there?”…but didn’t contact the grandparents or anything. We were super late. When they finally showed up and didn’t even apologize or acknowledge the time. They dropped the girl at the end of the block and had her run to our house. The parents texted back and were like “we’ll do rides the next time!”

There will not be a next time. I no longer help people who have more kids and way more help than me and I have learned that grandparents in these situations are usually stretched thing and just not reliable.

OPs situation is just like yours! only if, instead of 25 min late, she was right on time. But after three such rides, costing you up to 5 minutes a ride, you discern from indirect incomplete data that for ride #2 one of the parents may have actually been free to drive themselves! And now you question whether the parents really need the ride at all going forward or they are milking you for rides.

[Anonymous]

No bueno. It’s not even about the infant nap schedule. They should have offered to reciprocate right away, whether it’s by dropping your kid off the other two mornings, hosting a standing weekly play date, or something else. Even if you didn’t take them up on it, it would have left you with a better taste in your mouth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No bueno. It’s not even about the infant nap schedule. They should have offered to reciprocate right away, whether it’s by dropping your kid off the other two mornings, hosting a standing weekly play date, or something else. Even if you didn’t take them up on it, it would have left you with a better taste in your mouth.

I didn’t read the entire thread, but was wondering if the other mom offered to reciprocate in any way.

I’d immediately nip this in the bud now. It won’t be long before OP is asked to drive the kid to soccer (or whatever mutual activities).

When I carpooled, my friends and I were always very good about setting schedules in advance, taking turns, being respectful to the others.

OP will learn to set boundaries. It is best to find another family or two with similar availabilities to trade off.

[Anonymous]

This is a bizarre thread. I am a SAHM who helps other families with rides (and vice versa) all the time but a long-term arrangement like this is obviously an imposition on OP. Adding another child and longer route to 3 mornings a week is not a small thing. It also takes away from quality time in the car with your own child. Any family that asks for help with no plan at all for returning the favor is completely clueless and this is not a situation I would ever get mixed up in. It's a tone-deaf request and OP was nice enough to agree but now it doesn't work for her and she shouldn't make any apologies for that or feel guilty. OF COURSE she should step in on a one-off basis but majority of school days is not a reasonable expectation. Especially for a family that can literally never help out in return due to the size of their car. Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is wild to me how nasty people are here. Just HELP YOUR NEIGHBOR. Why the need for reciprocity or payment? My god you people are awful.

This.

[Anonymous]

It sounds ike you are making a mountain out of a molehill. You're helping someone out, that's just a nice normal thing to do. Do you expect to paid or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're resentful then tell her your schedule has changed and you can no longer do it. They will figure something else out.

This. Boundaries can save relationships.

[Anonymous]

Yeah someone asked me to add a kid to our routine for an activity and I just said no sorry mornings are too crazy. They really are and I think that’s a fine answer. Just tell them it doesn’t work going forward and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two working parents who have a bunch of kids despite inflexible work schedules are stupid and selfish. One spouse needs to get a flexible job or stay home, and the other needs to get a better paying job if they want to have a bunch of kids.

Most of us limit the number of kids we have and balance our work schedules so we can enjoy quality time with our families, not pick up the slack for over-breeders who gotta be at the office 8-6.

+1, they are explicitly using OP to address the childcare pinch of having 3 kids. But having 3 kids is a privilege, not a special hardship. This is a problem they need to figure out themselves. They already have lot of help (live in grandma on nanny duty).

I would feel differently about a family with an unforeseen hardship (parent with long-term illness, elder care issue, etc.). But the problem here is just that they didn't sufficiently consider how morning school runs would work with an elementary kid, toddler, and infant. Well, time to figure it out.

This. We have a friend like this who has three way over scheduled kids and a DH who doesn't help because he has a high paying job. Rather than convert the money to childcare, she imposes on us and other friends with stuff like dropping her kid off at the persons house an hour before the activity starts because it is more convenient for her and then the person keeping the kid after until she is home. One time she showed up an hour late with a trunk full of groceries. What she needs is a babysitter but why get one when she has people for free?

People like this are takers. Set a boundary now OP!

[Anonymous]

OP can you share how this ended up?

[Anonymous]

I can't even juggle with my own 2 kids. I never ask others to help for pickup/dropoff/carpool, and no one will never reach out to me for the same thing as well. That is why I don't belong to some mom group.