I think I’m being taken advantage of and I want out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two working parents who have a bunch of kids despite inflexible work schedules are stupid and selfish. One spouse needs to get a flexible job or stay home, and the other needs to get a better paying job if they want to have a bunch of kids.

Most of us limit the number of kids we have and balance our work schedules so we can enjoy quality time with our families, not pick up the slack for over-breeders who gotta be at the office 8-6.

+1, they are explicitly using OP to address the childcare pinch of having 3 kids. But having 3 kids is a privilege, not a special hardship. This is a problem they need to figure out themselves. They already have lot of help (live in grandma on nanny duty).

I would feel differently about a family with an unforeseen hardship (parent with long-term illness, elder care issue, etc.). But the problem here is just that they didn't sufficiently consider how morning school runs would work with an elementary kid, toddler, and infant. Well, time to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

someone saw your good heart and is asking too much

I don't get this way of thinking. People can say no, and should say no, when they don't want to do something. Doesn't that make everything in life much easier? No one is judged for asking. No one is judged for saying no.

[Anonymous]

I would not do this if I was uncomfortable with it. That mom needs to come up with her own long term solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are using you. Do you only have one kid? I have an only and this set up would piss me off because they are "making it work" with three kids by relying on both grandma to provide free childcare and you to do the school run since that would be hard for grandma. And it's not a temporary solution to a short-term bind. Like they aren't asking you to do this until they find a nanny who will be helping grandma out or until their toddler starts preschool in a few weeks. You are their permanent solution to the childcare problem of having three children but having jobs that make it hard for either of them to be around in the morning. They should have thought about this before having a third child instead of trying to lean on you.

We have famiily friends like this and I have learned to set firm boundaries with them. They often take the attitude of "well it's just so hard with three kids -- people need to help us out." But here's the think: I have an only even though I wanted another kid. But we have ZERO family help (like we didn't even have parents or family who could come help for a few weeks right after the baby was born). We realized after our first that there was such a narrow margin for error in our life and we didn't want to overextend with a second kid. So even though it was sad for me we stuck with our one [terrific] kid.

So yeah I don't have a lot of patience for people who have more kids leaning on me to solve their childcare conundrum. Especially not when they already have more family support than I do. I didn't stick to one kid so that I'd have the bandwidth to help some family with three and a live in grandparent bridge the childcare gap.

Also my experience is that there is no reciprocation in this scenario. People who set their lives up this way where they are always leaning on others for help are NEVER able to help you when you need it. You'll have a day where you need someone to pick up your son or watch him for a few hours and you'll ask them and they'll explain they'd love to but they can't because they have three kids and there's always some reason people with 3 kids can't do things.

So I'd politely let them know that you were happy to help for a while but it's actually a bit of a burden and you won't be able to do it any more.

Yup, this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

someone saw your good heart and is asking too much

I don't get this way of thinking. People can say no, and should say no, when they don't want to do something. Doesn't that make everything in life much easier? No one is judged for asking. No one is judged for saying no.

How people ask matter. This family framed this as "if you take our son to school we don't have to wake up the baby 3x a week." This is a persuasion technique. No one wants to be the one saying "no-- you should wake up the baby." It's the reason those annoying people asking for donations on sidewalks will say stuff like "do you have a few moments for starving children?" Only more compelling because OP actually knows these people.

Yes, OP can still say no and it looks like probably she should have. But you can see even in the responses on here why she has a hard time doing so-- look at all the comments calling OP selfish or minimizing this favor as NBD. There's actually a lot of social pressure on OP to say yes.

That's why many of us do not ask for favors like this unless we are truly in a bind. We know there's a lot of pressure on people (especially women) to be helpful. But if I *did* ask for this favor I'd also be careful to frame it neutrally and not put a hand on the scale with a sob story. Personally I'd probably offer a specific or general reciprocation, either offering to handle school drop off other days or pickup some days or even just saying "we'd owe you-- if you ever want to drop DS with us for a few hours just let us know." But that's me.

[Anonymous]

OP, is this you? https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1204222.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

someone saw your good heart and is asking too much

I don't get this way of thinking. People can say no, and should say no, when they don't want to do something. Doesn't that make everything in life much easier? No one is judged for asking. No one is judged for saying no.

Disagree. Often the "asker" is a taker and they are banking on the fact that the person they are asking is a pushover or has trouble saying no. Your notion that there is no harm in asking hugely benefits more assertive people and hurts less assertive people.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are two other options:
- You can ask the grandmother to walk the child to your house (put the baby in the stroller, they can nap there too)
- You can ask the other mom to drive your kid the other 2 days a week. It's not perfectly equal, but it's as close as you can get with 5 days/week

Otherwise, I would definitely stop the carpool and do not give an explanation. If they are users, then they will try to poke holes in your explanation, and then you will be on the defensive. There's no need for that. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Op, was the baby awake today?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

someone saw your good heart and is asking too much

I don't get this way of thinking. People can say no, and should say no, when they don't want to do something. Doesn't that make everything in life much easier? No one is judged for asking. No one is judged for saying no.

How people ask matter. This family framed this as "if you take our son to school we don't have to wake up the baby 3x a week." This is a persuasion technique. No one wants to be the one saying "no-- you should wake up the baby." It's the reason those annoying people asking for donations on sidewalks will say stuff like "do you have a few moments for starving children?" Only more compelling because OP actually knows these people.

Yes, OP can still say no and it looks like probably she should have. But you can see even in the responses on here why she has a hard time doing so-- look at all the comments calling OP selfish or minimizing this favor as NBD. There's actually a lot of social pressure on OP to say yes.

That's why many of us do not ask for favors like this unless we are truly in a bind. We know there's a lot of pressure on people (especially women) to be helpful. But if I *did* ask for this favor I'd also be careful to frame it neutrally and not put a hand on the scale with a sob story. Personally I'd probably offer a specific or general reciprocation, either offering to handle school drop off other days or pickup some days or even just saying "we'd owe you-- if you ever want to drop DS with us for a few hours just let us know." But that's me.

Np. No one has to say, “no, wake the baby.” You explain that it doesn’t work for your schedule. No other details are needed. The family is free to figure out another way to deal with the sleeping baby. Maybe that means waking baby, but maybe it means asking someone else for help, or finding flexibility in one of the other family member’s schedule. That part is for the family asking to figure out.

[Anonymous]

I said no to a neighbor in a similar situation. Thirty minutes a week, and the sense of obligation plus the time communicating about changes to the schedule, is more than I have the bandwidth for.

The mom should have offered to pay you. Personally, I’d rather have an extra 10 minutes a day than whatever she’d be willing to offer.

[Anonymous]

We know there's a lot of pressure on people (especially women) to be helpful

But why? There doesn't have to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the friend should hire a part-time nanny to handle such things as picking up kids from school.

OP, this is a big responsibility that you now resent. Tell your friend that you no longer want this responsibility.

This. What’s wrong with hiring paid help? My college-age niece works as a nanny 3 mornings a week from 6-9. She wakes the kids up, gets them ready for school, takes them to school, and returns home to clean up the kitchen before going to her own classes. She is paid very well for this, which she loves.

Maybe they feel they can’t afford paid help. That’s why they have the grandma helping. It’s also not at all easy to find a helper for just 3 mornings a week. They will need to get an au pair eventually.

[Anonymous]

Two parents and one grandma should be able to get the kids off to school in the morning.

I don't think it would have been appropriate for grandma to mess with her daughter's child care plan. That's up to the daughter.

They should be reciprocating somehow. Does you kid like the other kid? Is it helping build a friendship?

I would say it's fine to say, "Hey, we actually have had something comes up that makes our schedule tighter in the morning, so it's difficult for us to pick up Larlo. We can keep doing it for the next week for after that need to stop." Or something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you sound like a miserable misanthrope of a person. I can’t imagine not wanting to help a new mom. Maybe she imagines you will have a baby also soon and need help, who knows. But by all means, disabuse her of the notion that most fellow parents wouldn’t care about driving three blocks!!! Out of their way so their kid can ride to school with their friend. I would give zero thoughts about doing this, so I can’t help you. And I never ask for help myself. I just can’t fathom being this miserly. five minutes?!

Not OP but no. She is being taken advantage of.

Wholeheartedly agree with this!! OP, someone saw your good heart and is asking too much

Hard disagree. 5 minutes 3x a week? I’m not seeing the warm heart here. I would not even have to think about this, this is an automatic yes. It’s such a small thing for me and such an enormous help to another family.

Good grief, get over yourself. If OP thinks it's too much, then it's too much. You're an azz to insist that she is somehow obligated to do it. She is not.