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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here, and yes, another reason I do not want to move is because our relationship has not been the greatest lately. I'm having a hard time with the baby stage and am probably not giving her the support that she needs. I know she probably has a lot of resentment towards me. I love my child, but I do miss the way life was before they were born. I am in the process of finding a therapist and I will suggest couple's counseling to her. [b]If we were to split though, I do not want to get stuck in the midwest until my kid goes to college. My career goals do not align with that. [/b]

I honestly don't know what the answer is. I REALLY do not want to move to Ohio, but Ann Arbor has even less job opportunities for me than Columbus does. I also have a lot of friends here. My wife hasn't really made many close friends in the 8 years that we have been here, even though I have tried to encourage her to do so. She is close to her siblings, but I am not. I actually don't think they like me very much, so I'm not very keen to live closer to them. She has also stopped talking to her family when I am around, so I don't know what she has been telling them about me.

When we moved here 8 years ago, she was just as excited for the fresh start as I was. I didn't drag her here. We've invested so much into our home to make it what we want it to be. The idea of giving up everything we've built here is just unthinkable to me.        [/quote]

I agree, OP, that you would benefit from therapy, and coming to the realization that your previous child-free life has changed drastically.  I also agree, to a certain extent, that you need to suck it up.

However, unlike other posters, I do NOT think you should move, based on the bolded.  It's entirely possible your marriage could end after you move, and you would, as you said, be stuck in a place you don't want to be for the better part of two decades.  There's also a (much smaller) possibility that your wife plans a divorce, but wants to move before springing it on you for just those reasons.  [b]Frankly, some of the things you say about your relationship suggest that. [/b]

Because that possibility would dramatically change, for the worse, the course of your life, I wouldn't move.  Is it selfish?  I guess, but it's too important a decision, and consequence, to just wave away with a "you should do it for your wife" shrug.  Work on your marriage, be a better husband and father, seek therapy, etc.  But do not move.  [/quote]

Some of the things like, he misses having no responsibilities, can see his wife is drowning, and has decided not to help by pulling his weight?   Yeah, she might be planning an exit if she has the emotional bandwidth to think that far ahead.  How kind of you to coach him through ruining the next 20 years of her life (and their kid's!) so that his isn't interrupted in the slightest.  God forbid he ever think of anyone else.[/quote]

How, precisely, will this ruin her life, and their child's?  Please be specific.  [/quote]

I am a DP, but was going to say the same thing to you. I mean seriously, my mouth fell open at your response. You are supporting and coaching a horrible human being that will force his wife and child to stay in DC, divorced with no chance of any help from her family because she would not be able to move now.

I hope people who know him learn what a horrible person he is, and you are for condoning his behavior. [/quote]

He's a horrible human?  He has admitted his flaws, and said he wants to work on them.  [b]Please stop hyperventilating.[/b]  [/quote]

Ah, the “women are crazy” argument. How original. Also please point out where OP says he wants to work on his flaws. He definitely has admitted to checking out of parenting. Other than “I should go to therapy” where did he offer to work on anything? Both of his posts are arms-crossed missives on why he should get his way because “that’s not how marriage works” (although OP moved for him last time so him getting his way is how marriage works?). This perspective of non-compromise, and your advice, is not how healthy marriages work. [/quote]

Are you seriously suggesting that OP should compromise by moving, even given the potential repercussions?  I am guessing that if the roles were reversed, you'd be advising OP's wife to do what is best for her, and don't worry about him.  [/quote]

NP here but I think OP has 3 reasonable choices:

1) Do everything in his power to support his wife in an effort to get her to like living here. That means no more whining about the loss of freedom from becoming a dad. Sit down with his wife and talk through what she's missing that is making her want to move and see if they can fix that here -- hire more childcare or move a bit further out for lower COL or whatever. Really listen to her and try to find a compromise that keeps you in the area but also meets her needs for herself and your child. Be an actual partner and work together to find a way to create a life here you both love instead of just clinging to your pre-baby life and pretending nothing has changed and abandoning your wife to be the sole caretaker for your child in misery.

2) Get over your hangups about moving and move and then do your best to make the move work for you. Basically the reverse of #1 but the compromise goes the other way with you accepting a move but asking her to meet YOU halfway but you thinking about where you want to live and what would make you happy in this move. Perhaps you need to live in an urban area or you want to structure your finances so you can travel more or you want to take advantage of the lower COL and family help for the two of you to have more date nights and travel without kids to reconnect with the parts of yourself from before kids. Those are reasonable wants but so her hers and you need to balance them.

3) Divorce and let her move and you can stay here and be a holidays and occasional weekends dad.

I do not think just digging in to his current position is a viable option -- refusing to move or consider a move but also making no changes to how they are living to make his wife happier and also not initiating a divorce or separation and just waiting for her to leave him. This is the cowards way out and yes it could really screw over his wife because it locks her into fighting him over this move and having to initiate the end of their family even though it sounds like right now she's doing more to try and think about how to make their lives better than he is. The status quo sucks and encouraging him to stick with it is a very short-sighted piece of advice that puts all the decision making about how they resolve this situation on his wife. It's immature.[/quote]

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