ADHD 14-year old delinquent stealing. Help!

[Anonymous]

You really need to go back to the doctor and reveal all about the stealing. Clearly he is still impulsive, angry, lacking empathy, etc. He should be on meds daily. Mood meds in particular need to be taken daily, or else they don't build up to an effective level.

I would also hire a private criminal attorney. Meet with that person and reveal all to the attorney (someone with a prosecutorial not defense background) - then have the attorney sit with your kid and explain incident by incident what criminal charges would be filed, and what conviction would look like - number of years in jail, what kind of jail, what kind of financial penalty or restitution, and what post-incarceration release looks like (probation and future job prospects). Financial and computer crimes can be some very serious federal charges. The lawyer should also explain criminal defense - how much it costs, and the difference in quality between a private defense attorney and a legal aid attorney. In private, in the solo meeting you have to set all this up, you should also have the attorney explain what YOUR liability would be if your DS committed a serious crime, financial or otherwise. Are you obligated to pay for criminal defense? If you don't and he is convicted could you be liable for any civil action as the parent? Make it clear that you live him but if he breaks the law, you will not throw the financial future of the rest of tbe family away in his defense, and that you don't think it's helpful to protect him from the consequences of his mistakes - those consequences are how we learn, sometimes very painful lessons.

Then I would sit down and explain to your kid - you know he's not a bad kid but your terrified the choices he's making will have a very negative impact on his future - and you have to acknowledge it is HIS future. Even if he doesn't want to go to college, he will have a very hard time getting any kind of job with a financial fraud conviction - no job requiring any trust, no job which gives him access to customers, computers, finances or kids. Think about how much that eliminates. Hard to get into college or grad school.

Then I would turn the conversation and say that he is clearly very bright - what is it he would like to try or do? What is it that interests him? What would he like to know more about? Be willing to listen to what he says he is interested in and support further experiences with it.

I hesitate to say this - but he's clearly very smart about computers, which could be a very lucrative future for him. Can you make a deal that you would support him learning more if he signs a contract that he will not use the knowledge to do something dishonest, hurtful or illegal? You have to think about it - it might be like giving him a loaded weapon.

FWIW, I'm not sure why you have any of your financial stuff online. Set up a billpayer account with only a small amount of monthly budget money in it. Sign up for text alerts on it. Pull all your other financial accounts offline. Go back to telephone and in person banking. All financial passwords are ones you keep in your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The hacking stuff is impossible. Verification needs to go directly to your phone or email. He can’t just change who is admin.

You are a part of the problem. You do not want to give up electronics because you say others need it. No, they want it. Take your child out for two hours while the others kids get screen time. He has no true consequence. You take his phone but give him another phone? He doesn’t need a phone…. I do not understand why your doctor would say no adhd medication during the summer. What was his reason? What do you expect a 13 year old to do over the summer if you and husband are both working? Nothing makes sense

Op here. And this comment is helpful how? Be glad he’s not your kid bc with your kind of black-and-white sanctimommy thinking my DS would run circles around you, esp if you think it’s all that simple. LOL.

Yes our family “needs” tech. DH and I have jobs and telework FT, requiring zoom meetings and teams etc. We also have other teens in our family who are enrolled in summer school online, tutoring, coming and going etc. We can’t just eliminate all tech from our home for five other people bc one is a problem.

Maybe you don’t have a job or a similarly busy schedule with work/jobs/teens/activities and you have time to be escorting one PITA kid around for hours while the others get screen time. But Give me a break that isn’t realistic in this household.

Am I a perfect parent? No. But I do appreciate the helpful solutions and recommendations others have posted. And clearly you’ve not read details bc he hasn’t had his phone or computer for over a week now. He does steal his siblings when he can, but they are over it now too. And yes he has hacked our systems and would likely hack yours too.

You’re not taking it seriously enough is the problem. Get rid of the system that he is hacking. Rent an office space if you need to work. Build a shed. Do whatever you have to do. This kid needs zero electronics for quite awhile and he needs to learn to do other things in place of playing on a computer. Send your other kids to the library for online classes. Figure it out before he ends up in jail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has he been without electronics today?

OP here. He has been without *his* phone or *his* computer for almost a week as of tomorrow. But today, he found a sibling’s device while sibling was at camp and then stole my credit card from my wallet while I was in a meeting and bought himself online gaming crap. That’s when I started getting fraud alerts from my bank. While I was in a meeting!

My special needs DC is a nightmare. No judgement.

You need a screen-free home. Your child likely has a screen-addiction. You and DH rent office space. The other DC leave their phones in their lockers, at a friend’s house, or wherever. You send them to movies at the theater more often. You send them to friends’ houses more often. You reward them in other non-screen ways. You work with a therapist to explain that DC is sick and needs a screen-free house right now. You make sure they have a laptop and smart phone at college. You loop in school and make sure that he is screen-free at school.

To reiterate what another poster already said, you either get the tech out of the house, you get DC out of the house, or you lose DC. There’s no magical solution for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the replies, but it sounds like your DS is really desperate for the dopamine hit that video games provide. And that his ADHD is severe enough that he really doesn't understand consequences.

For the dopamine problem, hopefully you can get a med adjustment. The other things that help are exercise and positive attention. Is there any sport that he might possibly be interested in? Anything non-screen he is good at that would get him some positive attention?

For consequences for bad behavior, this is the problem with ADHD. Often kids don't understand future consequences, so it has to be immediate to work.

Op here and I think you’ve nailed it. He is sporty and needs physical activity. One unfortunate issue with sports we are finding is that his age (13-14) most sports become super competitive and all in / all or nothing. It’s either a huge time commitment with travel or club (if you can even make a team) or you end up on a mediocre rec team and he gets frustrated. He is going to a sleepway sports camp this month. I don’t know what the screen policy is.

But yes. There’s a dopamine element for sure. Reaching out to his psych today for adjustments on medication. And yes his doctor did say to only use the stimulant adhd meds when he is in school for focus. Not weekends or summer.

Rowing as a sport will make him tired. Kids don't start until high school, so no one is any good freshman year. There's something therapeutic about being out on the river doing an exhausting, rhythmic activity. You're part of a team/boat so you. It is 5 days a week + weekends but of you carpool with other parents it doesn't have to be a huge family commitment. TBC boat house hosts some learn to row programs in the summer and so do some high schools.

Swim team is also exhausting, as is cross country, if he likes to run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Rowing as a sport will make him tired. Kids don't start until high school, so no one is any good freshman year. There's something therapeutic about being out on the river doing an exhausting, rhythmic activity. You're part of a team/boat so you. It is 5 days a week + weekends but of you carpool with other parents it doesn't have to be a huge family commitment. TBC boat house hosts some learn to row programs in the summer and so do some high schools.

Swim team is also exhausting, as is cross country, if he likes to run.

OP here. I am a former rower myself and have actually tried swimming and rowing with him — he tried a learn-to-row program at Capitol Rowing Club last summer and didn’t like it (he is small, so he was coxing) and they also had them training in barges as opposed
to shells, which he said was boring, and erging on land, also not ideal. He wouldn’t go back. But I might try again.

Swimming also doesn’t interest him— he isn’t great at it. although I 100% agree with you and even made him swim laps at the pool yesterday for an hour! A sibling is actually on swim team now and can swim circles around him, which doesn’t help. But I agree.

I am trying to encourage him to try Ultimate - it’s faster paced and newer so maybe not as competitive like soccer. At this point I just want him out of the house and away from screens.

[Anonymous]

If you send him to a sleepaway camp with no screens you can break the habit for some time and give your family some relief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you send him to a sleepaway camp with no screens you can break the habit for some time and give your family some relief.

Very true. If she does nothing to change the home environment though it won’t stick. It might even make it worse. The kid needs serious limits that OP just isn’t willing to put in place. Whole family sounds screen dependent to me…

[Anonymous]

Reading this thread, this is my nightmare outcome for my DS9. Following! I’m so sorry for what you’re going through… My DS actually bought some things on Amazon hacking my account but I got the notification real time from my bank and managed to reverse all transactions. He lost his birthday celebration (and all gifts) for that, and hasn’t tried it since (over a year ago). But also I redirected to sports and called in the whole team of his therapists for help, and he’s 9 so it worked. I don't walk in your shoes yet (it’s coming) but how about fighting fire with fire - hiring a tech savvy college whizz to spend time with him? If he’s anything like my DS, he’s competitive. They could play together, and the college kid could exert some control for safety, and redirect things away from spending money. That doesn’t really get at the addiction (meds can get at that, in my experience), but at least you stop the immediate threat of stealing and criminal repercussions. College kids always need cash so you can find someone easily (and it’s money well spent), and once the relationship clicks, they’ll be in touch even after hours I’m sure, especially if both are hooked up to similar games. They could for example “compete fair” without using extra money etc - the college kid can be relied upon to have more maturity while being “in your DS’s camp”, creating a wake for your DS to get swept by, and model behavior. Sorry this is rather theoretical but it could be a low tech solution that just might work, and won’t necessarily break the bank.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Military school?

Good idea
Look at what military school did for Trump.

[Anonymous]

No advice but serious sympathy for you OP.

[Anonymous]

I’d stop looking for consequences and look for how you can help him. But that’s not really the DCUM way.