ADHD 14-year old delinquent stealing. Help!

[Anonymous]

You could delete his Roblox account. He will be enraged but this ends that addiction.

[Anonymous]

Is there any possibility that he is stealing because he owes money to people from these games? There are a lot of bad people online who don't hesitate to take advantage of kids/teens. Maybe try to approach it like you're worried about him, and can he walk you through where the money is going? Is he buying in-game items for other people in the games?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there any possibility that he is stealing because he owes money to people from these games? There are a lot of bad people online who don't hesitate to take advantage of kids/teens. Maybe try to approach it like you're worried about him, and can he walk you through where the money is going? Is he buying in-game items for other people in the games?

Meant to add look into IRL trading, basically purchasing in game items with real life money between players through something other than an official game platform.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally feel for you. This is so hard. You sound frustrated and angry, and rightly so.

Is this new behavior or a new attitude, or sort of a new iteration of a situation that has been around for years? I ask because if it's newish, that suggests more of a depression type situation, whereas ongoing sounds more like the ODD aspects of ADHD. That's really tough and needs a very different approach (and lots of self care for you!).

First, stop blaming yourselves. The fact that you had to post about your other kids succeeding suggests you feel like you will be blamed. I get it, but try to move past this. It won't help you or him.

Second, continue working with the providers you have. Hopefully someone of them are supporting you in parenting. If not, find someone who will. We have a similar kid, and his therapist meets with us once a month. It's not perfect, but it helps a lot. I would go beyond that in this critical moment sand seek some strong parent coaching for specifically dealing with your specific situation. This is not blaming your parenting - it's just that having a professional with experience in this can help you pick the best approach and stay confident with it. There is no easy fix, so this is a long haul.

Have meds been considered?

How do you provide consequences and incentives? If he feels he has no choice and is backed into a corner, it may get worse. Incentives are great, even when they feel like you shouldn't need them (ie I'm rewarding my kid who is screwing up nonstop for going out for a walk??? He should just do this anyway). They can help give some autonomy and control and help a kid start to feel like they aren't losing on all fronts. But pick and choose carefully.

There also have to be some consequences, and certainly some restrictions. If that means literally getting rid of the TV or locking it up for six months, do it. If that means extra security on siblings' phones, do it.

Good luck!

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. OP here. This has been an ongoing problem for years since COVID lockdown since he was about 8-9. Not even kidding. He has hacked every system in our house in the last 5 years, from phones to networks to security locks and even our safe. All to play these stupid videogames and access his locked up tech. We have run out of hiding spaces. The car still works. He once got so angry when we took his phone and computer away that he retaliated by hacking into my husband’s laptop, made himself the admin, and wiped the entire thing.

But it’s getting progressively worse — until today he has never outright gone into my purse and taken my physical credit card. Previously it was transferring money around to himself or using devices to transfer money around and hacking workarounds.

I am debating whether a trip to the bank tomorrow to discuss with manager or a trip to the police station would be worthwhile.

He has an adhd diagnosis and dysregulation disorder diagnosis. He has been on medication for mood disorders/severe tantrums as well as ADHD stimulants during the school year. The doctor said he didn’t need to take them on weekends and during summer.

I don’t know how to parent this.

This is the PP. I haven't read all the posts in between, but I just wanted to say that this sounds a lot like my kid but more tech-focused than our issues.

He sounds very smart (which is not unusual in cases like this). Is he in any gifted programs? It could help to see him as twice exceptional -super smart and also with disabilities. That's what ours is.

We literally had a physical key and locked things in a room. The key would go with us when we weren't in there. Friends had a big influence, so look at who is influencing him and try to find some friends to meet up with who might do more physical, IRL activities.

Sounds like he is dopamine-seeking with the games. They are addictive for anyone and worse off kids like this. Can you look for other ways to pop his dopamine? Thrilling excursions or other things as you wear him off? Maybe the ADHD meds need adjusting if he is still seeking so much. It sounds like a real addiction at this point, and it's not just him being a jerk or sneak - he can't help it. Others who don't have kids like this don't understand.

I would also look into Invitation to Change. It's focused on substance addictions, but I think it has some helpful points for loved ones managing these situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. We are not in APS, so I appreciate those resources but NA. We are in Fairfax county and yes screens are in schools all day long. He will be attending a large public FFX county HS in September but we are starting to consider other options if not too late for September. This isn’t a troll post. And I am being honest about his hacking capabilities or at least my understanding of them. It’s beyond just guessing passwords and I’ve summarized some of what he’s done in earlier posts. We aren’t idiots. He knows how to get into our systems and networks and set up himself as the admin and he’s also hacked into our safe multiple times and other locks/keypads.

He isn’t a bad kid overall and has a lot of friends (in person!), plays soccer and other sports, and has even worked at a day camp as a CIT. He has been tested this year through school bc we noticed a drop in his grades. But after the IEP was initiated he improved. A lot. But I do wonder about bipolar because this addictive screen personality of his doesn’t seem to fit the rest of his character. He’s social. Has a lot of friends. Is sporty. But once he gets his hands on the devices it’s like he completely turns into a different person. Yes, it’s what I imagine a drug addict would act like - stealing, lying, personality shift.

OP my son has similar tendencies and bipolar was ruled out after an inpatient stay and evaluation. It IS possible for this to be about his adhd if severe enough. My son too is social and sporty. I would encourage at home drug testing starting now even if you think he isn’t using. This type of thrill seeking and addictive personality finds dopamine hits of all kinds.

Op here. Thank you for this. Really good idea. And I’m glad you put this on my radar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Roblox and Twitch if it’s still a thing are addictive. Dropping a severe ADHD kid into Roblox is like dropping a gambling addict into a casino. Do you monitor Roblox? There were issues probably still are of bad actors, far right extremists and scammers targeting young boys through Roblox. There are some really weird adults on it.

When my son was 13 he was excited to receive a letter in the mail. It had stickers and a two page hand written letter from a basement dwelling loser man in Florida. DH and I were enraged, not at DS but this creep. We tracked down who he was and screamed at him. He quickly dropped our son from his groups and we continuously monitored DS’s Twitch.

Op here. Holy crap that’s scary. My son doesn’t use twitch but does use Roblox and Fortnite excessively. I actually signed up for Roblox secretly and started monitoring him during the pandemic to make sure it wasn’t shady and it seemed to have pretty secure safety measures intact. However… older sibling reported that some of the safety measures are lessened when players turn 13. Not sure if this is true or not. But could explain the uptick in his interest. I have not been in the game in a long time. Frankly I don’t get the appeal. The graphics suck. But yes I see your point. Thank you for the warning and I can’t believe what you experienced!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there any possibility that he is stealing because he owes money to people from these games? There are a lot of bad people online who don't hesitate to take advantage of kids/teens. Maybe try to approach it like you're worried about him, and can he walk you through where the money is going? Is he buying in-game items for other people in the games?

Meant to add look into IRL trading, basically purchasing in game items with real life money between players through something other than an official game platform.

OP here and thank you. I actually think this might be what he’s doing. I was getting fraud alerts to my bank account from a site called ElDorado.gg which looks like a private trading site. Is that what you’re referring to? Can he get into debt with that? Going to have a very serious chat with him when he gets home from camp.

[Anonymous]

https://www.ign.com/articles/inside-robloxs-criminal-underworld-where-kids-are-scamming-kids

https://sopa.tulane.edu/blog/guide-to-protecting-young-online-gamers

This is an article about Roblox scams and a post about Fortnite scams.

I'm not familiar with eldorado.gg. but found a Reddit thread on it that makes it sound like it could be used for scams.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Scams/comments/vedwpj/eldoradogg/

I would also see if you can run a credit report on your child to see if he's managed to open up any credit accounts you weren't aware of or has been the victim of identity theft. The hacking talent/success in rule breaking and poor impulse control probably make him more likely to assume he's too smart to get scammed or see if he can get away with breaking in game rules about stuff like you're not allowed to sell accounts.

[Anonymous]

In game chat in a lot of these games can put kids in touch with random strangers, as can Discord, so it's not just Twitch.

[Anonymous]

The hacking stuff is impossible. Verification needs to go directly to your phone or email. He can’t just change who is admin.

You are a part of the problem. You do not want to give up electronics because you say others need it. No, they want it. Take your child out for two hours while the others kids get screen time. He has no true consequence. You take his phone but give him another phone? He doesn’t need a phone…. I do not understand why your doctor would say no adhd medication during the summer. What was his reason? What do you expect a 13 year old to do over the summer if you and husband are both working? Nothing makes sense

[Anonymous]

Just have the whole family go screen free for the summer. You will all be happier. Buy some flip homes for talking. It’s absolutely possible. Hes an addict and needs to detox.

[Anonymous]

https://www.summerlandcamps.com/gaming-addiction/summer-camp-video-game-addiction/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just have the whole family go screen free for the summer. You will all be happier. Buy some flip homes for talking. It’s absolutely possible. Hes an addict and needs to detox.

Ageee. If he was an alcoholic you’d get rid of the alcohol in the home. We are in the process of no longer buying v sweets bc of dd food addiction

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The hacking stuff is impossible. Verification needs to go directly to your phone or email. He can’t just change who is admin.

You are a part of the problem. You do not want to give up electronics because you say others need it. No, they want it. Take your child out for two hours while the others kids get screen time. He has no true consequence. You take his phone but give him another phone? He doesn’t need a phone…. I do not understand why your doctor would say no adhd medication during the summer. What was his reason? What do you expect a 13 year old to do over the summer if you and husband are both working? Nothing makes sense

Op here. And this comment is helpful how? Be glad he’s not your kid bc with your kind of black-and-white sanctimommy thinking my DS would run circles around you, esp if you think it’s all that simple. LOL.

Yes our family “needs” tech. DH and I have jobs and telework FT, requiring zoom meetings and teams etc. We also have other teens in our family who are enrolled in summer school online, tutoring, coming and going etc. We can’t just eliminate all tech from our home for five other people bc one is a problem.

Maybe you don’t have a job or a similarly busy schedule with work/jobs/teens/activities and you have time to be escorting one PITA kid around for hours while the others get screen time. But Give me a break that isn’t realistic in this household.

Am I a perfect parent? No. But I do appreciate the helpful solutions and recommendations others have posted. And clearly you’ve not read details bc he hasn’t had his phone or computer for over a week now. He does steal his siblings when he can, but they are over it now too. And yes he has hacked our systems and would likely hack yours too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://www.summerlandcamps.com/gaming-addiction/summer-camp-video-game-addiction/

This actually looks pretty good. Thank you for sharing.