ADHD 14-year old delinquent stealing. Help!

[Anonymous]

PP above. I will also caution that most camps, military and boarding schools and even Outward Bound do not have the resources your child needs. He needs intensive psychiatric and psychological care.

[Anonymous]

I have an impulsive video-game loving kid of around the same age. It’s hard. I found some of these videos useful about dopamine and video games. We even showed the dopamine part to our kids when we were discussing changing screen rules.

https://cliffordsussmanmd.com/free-videos/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP above. I will also caution that most camps, military and boarding schools and even Outward Bound do not have the resources your child needs. He needs intensive psychiatric and psychological care.

A lot of psychiatric and psychological people also don't know either. I just think non punishing programs that are screen free offer an alternative to life that will get him thinking less about screens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an impulsive video-game loving kid of around the same age. It’s hard. I found some of these videos useful about dopamine and video games. We even showed the dopamine part to our kids when we were discussing changing screen rules.

https://cliffordsussmanmd.com/free-videos/

PP who wrote this. I wanted to add that this is to help explain to him and the other kids about the issues with screen use, but I agree that figuring out the medication piece is going to be key. I second the NAMI parent support group suggestion too for a non-judgmental resource.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi op. In my opinion you have a five alarm fire here and I think you know that, but are also a little too worried about fairness with siblings and calling him an ahole to fully respond (I understand as I can imagine how frustrating!). First thing: meds. I can’t imagine why on earth you wouldn’t do meds on weekends and summers if you are experiencing these behaviors. It’s really not appropriate. I know the dr recommended but they aren’t always right, push back. He’s suffering and everyone is setting him up to fail saying ok he needs these meds but.. not in summer! No, he needs them full stop. Of course he is going to be impulsive and dysregulated over the summer without his meds.

Ok second thing: I highly recommend you throw out any worries of fairness and parent this child in the way he needs right now. Fair doesn’t always mean equal. Your child has a screen addiction. I would be shocked if that’s not the case. It is real and can be a real addiction. Your entire family is going to have to pivot as a result to help him.

First, read up on screen addiction and try to get in with someone who specializes in it. You’re going to need specific tools. And you’re going to have to spend money. Talk to your husband - say we have a five alarm fire here. We’re going to need to go all in to stop it but it’s worth it because this is our child and we know that he is good, he is suffering right now. We know he is good deep down but he is unable to be that person right now and we have to help him back. You have to believe this and more importantly, your kid needs to know you believe this. So all the stuff you said in your post about him - get it out, normal to feel that way but throw it out. Stop thinking of him as an ahole trying to piss you off. He is a suffering kid with screen addiction who needs intervention asap.

Ok next thing; back to the siblings, yes there is no way to get rid of screens, you work from home etc. But you may have to come up with a family plan for screens that drastically lowers your family’s screen time generally. You’ll basically have to say to your other kids x is struggling, we as a family need to support him and have a plan to do it. I’m not saying remove their phones totally but in the house figuring out a plan.

And don’t be worried about this person getting this camp or that. This son is absolutely going to need more money, more intervention right now. In 5 years another kid might need something else and you will be there for them. If it was me, I would have him at a fantastic screen free summer camp (there are many) for most of the summer. It may be too late for that but honestly it’s possible you could still get in a 3 or 4 week one that starts end of July.

But probably before that you need to talk to someone experienced with true screen addiction and get their recommendations for next steps. It’s going to be uncomfortable for all of you to solve this but going on like this won’t end well. He’s showing all the signs - disinterest in everything else, behaviors to keep the addiction going, unable to stop etc etc

Op here and thank you for your thoughtful reply and kindness. We are looking into screen free camps now and it feels like this has been a five alarm fire for years but now he’s getting older and more savvy. The behavior has evolved from kiddie tantrums to this sort of criminal subversive activity and theft. Puberty isn’t helping. The fact he’s also intelligent and has this passion for hacking also isn’t helpful. It’s the lack of empathy and understanding about theft and entitlement that scary. It seems to only be targeted at family, but for how long?

Have called his doctor this morning and asked to go back on the stimulants immediately. He is absolutely dysregulated. Also found a couple of therapists to deal with adolescents and addiction. Praying they have availability thank you.

Really appreciate your calm, nonjudgmental advice. We are doing our best. I’m also working with a husband who likes to just turn a blind eye who is the king of avoidance.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the replies, but it sounds like your DS is really desperate for the dopamine hit that video games provide. And that his ADHD is severe enough that he really doesn't understand consequences.

For the dopamine problem, hopefully you can get a med adjustment. The other things that help are exercise and positive attention. Is there any sport that he might possibly be interested in? Anything non-screen he is good at that would get him some positive attention?

For consequences for bad behavior, this is the problem with ADHD. Often kids don't understand future consequences, so it has to be immediate to work.

[Anonymous]

OP again. We are not in APS, so I appreciate those resources but NA. We are in Fairfax county and yes screens are in schools all day long. He will be attending a large public FFX county HS in September but we are starting to consider other options if not too late for September. This isn’t a troll post. And I am being honest about his hacking capabilities or at least my understanding of them. It’s beyond just guessing passwords and I’ve summarized some of what he’s done in earlier posts. We aren’t idiots. He knows how to get into our systems and networks and set up himself as the admin and he’s also hacked into our safe multiple times and other locks/keypads.

He isn’t a bad kid overall and has a lot of friends (in person!), plays soccer and other sports, and has even worked at a day camp as a CIT. He has been tested this year through school bc we noticed a drop in his grades. But after the IEP was initiated he improved. A lot. But I do wonder about bipolar because this addictive screen personality of his doesn’t seem to fit the rest of his character. He’s social. Has a lot of friends. Is sporty. But once he gets his hands on the devices it’s like he completely turns into a different person. Yes, it’s what I imagine a drug addict would act like - stealing, lying, personality shift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the replies, but it sounds like your DS is really desperate for the dopamine hit that video games provide. And that his ADHD is severe enough that he really doesn't understand consequences.

For the dopamine problem, hopefully you can get a med adjustment. The other things that help are exercise and positive attention. Is there any sport that he might possibly be interested in? Anything non-screen he is good at that would get him some positive attention?

For consequences for bad behavior, this is the problem with ADHD. Often kids don't understand future consequences, so it has to be immediate to work.

Op here and I think you’ve nailed it. He is sporty and needs physical activity. One unfortunate issue with sports we are finding is that his age (13-14) most sports become super competitive and all in / all or nothing. It’s either a huge time commitment with travel or club (if you can even make a team) or you end up on a mediocre rec team and he gets frustrated. He is going to a sleepway sports camp this month. I don’t know what the screen policy is.

But yes. There’s a dopamine element for sure. Reaching out to his psych today for adjustments on medication. And yes his doctor did say to only use the stimulant adhd meds when he is in school for focus. Not weekends or summer.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you’re struggling with his behavior. It sounds like you’re approaching this from all angles and starting therapy will hopefully be helpful. What jumps out at me is that he is a mastermind at hacking. He is a smart kid! I wonder if you can play up his strength and help him redirect it for good instead of trouble while at the same time addressing impulse control through therapy and meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi op. In my opinion you have a five alarm fire here and I think you know that, but are also a little too worried about fairness with siblings and calling him an ahole to fully respond (I understand as I can imagine how frustrating!). First thing: meds. I can’t imagine why on earth you wouldn’t do meds on weekends and summers if you are experiencing these behaviors. It’s really not appropriate. I know the dr recommended but they aren’t always right, push back. He’s suffering and everyone is setting him up to fail saying ok he needs these meds but.. not in summer! No, he needs them full stop. Of course he is going to be impulsive and dysregulated over the summer without his meds.

Ok second thing: I highly recommend you throw out any worries of fairness and parent this child in the way he needs right now. Fair doesn’t always mean equal. Your child has a screen addiction. I would be shocked if that’s not the case. It is real and can be a real addiction. Your entire family is going to have to pivot as a result to help him.

First, read up on screen addiction and try to get in with someone who specializes in it. You’re going to need specific tools. And you’re going to have to spend money. Talk to your husband - say we have a five alarm fire here. We’re going to need to go all in to stop it but it’s worth it because this is our child and we know that he is good, he is suffering right now. We know he is good deep down but he is unable to be that person right now and we have to help him back. You have to believe this and more importantly, your kid needs to know you believe this. So all the stuff you said in your post about him - get it out, normal to feel that way but throw it out. Stop thinking of him as an ahole trying to piss you off. He is a suffering kid with screen addiction who needs intervention asap.

Ok next thing; back to the siblings, yes there is no way to get rid of screens, you work from home etc. But you may have to come up with a family plan for screens that drastically lowers your family’s screen time generally. You’ll basically have to say to your other kids x is struggling, we as a family need to support him and have a plan to do it. I’m not saying remove their phones totally but in the house figuring out a plan.

And don’t be worried about this person getting this camp or that. This son is absolutely going to need more money, more intervention right now. In 5 years another kid might need something else and you will be there for them. If it was me, I would have him at a fantastic screen free summer camp (there are many) for most of the summer. It may be too late for that but honestly it’s possible you could still get in a 3 or 4 week one that starts end of July.

But probably before that you need to talk to someone experienced with true screen addiction and get their recommendations for next steps. It’s going to be uncomfortable for all of you to solve this but going on like this won’t end well. He’s showing all the signs - disinterest in everything else, behaviors to keep the addiction going, unable to stop etc etc

Op here and thank you for your thoughtful reply and kindness. We are looking into screen free camps now and it feels like this has been a five alarm fire for years but now he’s getting older and more savvy. The behavior has evolved from kiddie tantrums to this sort of criminal subversive activity and theft. Puberty isn’t helping. The fact he’s also intelligent and has this passion for hacking also isn’t helpful. It’s the lack of empathy and understanding about theft and entitlement that scary. It seems to only be targeted at family, but for how long?

Have called his doctor this morning and asked to go back on the stimulants immediately. He is absolutely dysregulated. Also found a couple of therapists to deal with adolescents and addiction. Praying they have availability thank you.

Really appreciate your calm, nonjudgmental advice. We are doing our best. I’m also working with a husband who likes to just turn a blind eye who is the king of avoidance.

Hi Op, pp here. Hugs. Just want to say I have a son with ADHD truly, so totally know you're doing your best. It can be SO hard. First step medication, like you said. I know there are kids that stop and start stimulants, in my experience this seems like it works better for kids with more the inattentive side. Our kids where the difficulty regulating that comes with ADHD impacts their emotional regulation more, need it consistently. It has worked way better for my son to have his medication consistently even on weekends and breaks. Removing it is removing an important thing his brain needs to process information and frustrations in a more reasonable way.

Contact Farm and Wilderness: https://www.farmandwilderness.org/. They are sliding scale. As long as your child is normally able to regulate with peers, engage with programming, and might want to be a part of a community (and is medicated), it could be a good fit. They are fantastically run, inclusive and three weeks long. Second session hasn't started yet. No idea if they have space but worth a shot. And absolutely consider how you present this to your son - it shouldn't be presented as a consequence. It is a hey, we love you, we see you, we can tell you're struggling and we KNOW how hard it is to not have the screens and video games. Look - here is what happens to your brain, educate him on how when you do high dopamine activities a lot and over and over, your brain starts to adjust and not get the same joy from low dopamine activities (Raising a Kid Who Can is a great book that can help you learn about this so you can explain it). He has trained his brain to be liek "meh" to any low dopamine activities and CRAVE/NEED that high dopamine hit. Partner with him to learn about this, and if you have a camp opportunity, it is not some punishment to not have screens. It is a way to start to enjoy the regular activities of life. For him to do well at camp, I would remove screens now so he can start adjusting (I know you're trying this, hence the hacking problem, but maybe a family screen free two weeks because it can benefit ALL of you).

Ugh sorry about that husband problem. That is really hard. The older he gets the harder it will be to redirect. If I were in your shoes, I would get a therapist who would meet with YOU who specializes in ADHD in teens, especially ones with some conduct disorder traits - that is a really tough term, and there is no reason to label I only bring it up because it might help you find what you need to have the right "term." Hopefully your husband would go with you, but if he refuses you start with going yourself and ask to see someone for parent coaching. You need support to figure out how to respond to this. If your husband will join, he will hopefully be more likely to listen to them as well.

[Anonymous]

didn't mean "adhd truly" there, meant truly understand

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. We are not in APS, so I appreciate those resources but NA. We are in Fairfax county and yes screens are in schools all day long. He will be attending a large public FFX county HS in September but we are starting to consider other options if not too late for September. This isn’t a troll post. And I am being honest about his hacking capabilities or at least my understanding of them. It’s beyond just guessing passwords and I’ve summarized some of what he’s done in earlier posts. We aren’t idiots. He knows how to get into our systems and networks and set up himself as the admin and he’s also hacked into our safe multiple times and other locks/keypads.

He isn’t a bad kid overall and has a lot of friends (in person!), plays soccer and other sports, and has even worked at a day camp as a CIT. He has been tested this year through school bc we noticed a drop in his grades. But after the IEP was initiated he improved. A lot. But I do wonder about bipolar because this addictive screen personality of his doesn’t seem to fit the rest of his character. He’s social. Has a lot of friends. Is sporty. But once he gets his hands on the devices it’s like he completely turns into a different person. Yes, it’s what I imagine a drug addict would act like - stealing, lying, personality shift.

I believe you that this isn’t a troll post. You need professional help with your IT setup. He should not be able to break into things. It is possible to set them up so that he can’t. The usual threat model is an outside person so things are often designed with the assumption that you have physical security (locked doors, key cards, etc) but you can solve this, I’m sure. I bet he’s doing a hard reset on your router which defaults it to the factory username and password.

While you’re seeking professional psychological help, I would also look for professional IT help. Set him up for success by removing the vulnerabilities he’s exploiting. There are 12 trillion IT consultants in our area, call around and see if you can find someone to pay to come penetration test your house for a couple of hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. We are not in APS, so I appreciate those resources but NA. We are in Fairfax county and yes screens are in schools all day long. He will be attending a large public FFX county HS in September but we are starting to consider other options if not too late for September. This isn’t a troll post. And I am being honest about his hacking capabilities or at least my understanding of them. It’s beyond just guessing passwords and I’ve summarized some of what he’s done in earlier posts. We aren’t idiots. He knows how to get into our systems and networks and set up himself as the admin and he’s also hacked into our safe multiple times and other locks/keypads.

He isn’t a bad kid overall and has a lot of friends (in person!), plays soccer and other sports, and has even worked at a day camp as a CIT. He has been tested this year through school bc we noticed a drop in his grades. But after the IEP was initiated he improved. A lot. But I do wonder about bipolar because this addictive screen personality of his doesn’t seem to fit the rest of his character. He’s social. Has a lot of friends. Is sporty. But once he gets his hands on the devices it’s like he completely turns into a different person. Yes, it’s what I imagine a drug addict would act like - stealing, lying, personality shift.

I believe you that this isn’t a troll post. You need professional help with your IT setup. He should not be able to break into things. It is possible to set them up so that he can’t. The usual threat model is an outside person so things are often designed with the assumption that you have physical security (locked doors, key cards, etc) but you can solve this, I’m sure. I bet he’s doing a hard reset on your router which defaults it to the factory username and password.

While you’re seeking professional psychological help, I would also look for professional IT help. Set him up for success by removing the vulnerabilities he’s exploiting. There are 12 trillion IT consultants in our area, call around and see if you can find someone to pay to come penetration test your house for a couple of hours.

Op here. Very good advice. We hadn’t considered this angle, but it’s a good one and solves the problem from a different direction. I have signed him up for hack the box and also put him in some programming classes for python. He claims they are boring. My understanding is that he runs some kind of monetized Roblox empire when other players are paying him to enter and or use what he designs and programs. He also claims he is making money doing it and also claims he is making “real money” playing and winning Fortnite in tournaments.

His math tutor does coding with him when he completes his work and gets good grades, and he seems to enjoy that as a reward.

It’s the oppositional piece combined with the adhd and hacking talent that creates this sh$tstorm.

[Anonymous]

Op again to Pp. My question then is if he’s supposedly making all this money playing and building in these games, why is he stealing from his family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. We are not in APS, so I appreciate those resources but NA. We are in Fairfax county and yes screens are in schools all day long. He will be attending a large public FFX county HS in September but we are starting to consider other options if not too late for September. This isn’t a troll post. And I am being honest about his hacking capabilities or at least my understanding of them. It’s beyond just guessing passwords and I’ve summarized some of what he’s done in earlier posts. We aren’t idiots. He knows how to get into our systems and networks and set up himself as the admin and he’s also hacked into our safe multiple times and other locks/keypads.

He isn’t a bad kid overall and has a lot of friends (in person!), plays soccer and other sports, and has even worked at a day camp as a CIT. He has been tested this year through school bc we noticed a drop in his grades. But after the IEP was initiated he improved. A lot. But I do wonder about bipolar because this addictive screen personality of his doesn’t seem to fit the rest of his character. He’s social. Has a lot of friends. Is sporty. But once he gets his hands on the devices it’s like he completely turns into a different person. Yes, it’s what I imagine a drug addict would act like - stealing, lying, personality shift.

I believe you that this isn’t a troll post. You need professional help with your IT setup. He should not be able to break into things. It is possible to set them up so that he can’t. The usual threat model is an outside person so things are often designed with the assumption that you have physical security (locked doors, key cards, etc) but you can solve this, I’m sure. I bet he’s doing a hard reset on your router which defaults it to the factory username and password.

While you’re seeking professional psychological help, I would also look for professional IT help. Set him up for success by removing the vulnerabilities he’s exploiting. There are 12 trillion IT consultants in our area, call around and see if you can find someone to pay to come penetration test your house for a couple of hours.

Op here. Very good advice. We hadn’t considered this angle, but it’s a good one and solves the problem from a different direction. I have signed him up for hack the box and also put him in some programming classes for python. He claims they are boring. My understanding is that he runs some kind of monetized Roblox empire when other players are paying him to enter and or use what he designs and programs. He also claims he is making money doing it and also claims he is making “real money” playing and winning Fortnite in tournaments.

His math tutor does coding with him when he completes his work and gets good grades, and he seems to enjoy that as a reward.

It’s the oppositional piece combined with the adhd and hacking talent that creates this sh$tstorm.

Where does the money he makes from tournaments etc. get deposited? Is it linked to a bank account?