ADHD 14-year old delinquent stealing. Help!

[Anonymous]

Your kid’s running an online Ponzi scheme?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. We are not in APS, so I appreciate those resources but NA. We are in Fairfax county and yes screens are in schools all day long. He will be attending a large public FFX county HS in September but we are starting to consider other options if not too late for September. This isn’t a troll post. And I am being honest about his hacking capabilities or at least my understanding of them. It’s beyond just guessing passwords and I’ve summarized some of what he’s done in earlier posts. We aren’t idiots. He knows how to get into our systems and networks and set up himself as the admin and he’s also hacked into our safe multiple times and other locks/keypads.

He isn’t a bad kid overall and has a lot of friends (in person!), plays soccer and other sports, and has even worked at a day camp as a CIT. He has been tested this year through school bc we noticed a drop in his grades. But after the IEP was initiated he improved. A lot. But I do wonder about bipolar because this addictive screen personality of his doesn’t seem to fit the rest of his character. He’s social. Has a lot of friends. Is sporty. But once he gets his hands on the devices it’s like he completely turns into a different person. Yes, it’s what I imagine a drug addict would act like - stealing, lying, personality shift.

I believe you that this isn’t a troll post. You need professional help with your IT setup. He should not be able to break into things. It is possible to set them up so that he can’t. The usual threat model is an outside person so things are often designed with the assumption that you have physical security (locked doors, key cards, etc) but you can solve this, I’m sure. I bet he’s doing a hard reset on your router which defaults it to the factory username and password.

While you’re seeking professional psychological help, I would also look for professional IT help. Set him up for success by removing the vulnerabilities he’s exploiting. There are 12 trillion IT consultants in our area, call around and see if you can find someone to pay to come penetration test your house for a couple of hours.

Op here. Very good advice. We hadn’t considered this angle, but it’s a good one and solves the problem from a different direction. I have signed him up for hack the box and also put him in some programming classes for python. He claims they are boring. My understanding is that he runs some kind of monetized Roblox empire when other players are paying him to enter and or use what he designs and programs. He also claims he is making money doing it and also claims he is making “real money” playing and winning Fortnite in tournaments.

His math tutor does coding with him when he completes his work and gets good grades, and he seems to enjoy that as a reward.

It’s the oppositional piece combined with the adhd and hacking talent that creates this sh$tstorm.

Where does the money he makes from tournaments etc. get deposited? Is it linked to a bank account?

Op here. I honestly don’t know. But until now I assumed it was all within the game. He’s making money that’s going into his account for robux or vbucks or whatever and he can cash it out somehow. I am going to investigate this more now that I’m wondering if there’s something else going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. We are not in APS, so I appreciate those resources but NA. We are in Fairfax county and yes screens are in schools all day long. He will be attending a large public FFX county HS in September but we are starting to consider other options if not too late for September. This isn’t a troll post. And I am being honest about his hacking capabilities or at least my understanding of them. It’s beyond just guessing passwords and I’ve summarized some of what he’s done in earlier posts. We aren’t idiots. He knows how to get into our systems and networks and set up himself as the admin and he’s also hacked into our safe multiple times and other locks/keypads.

He isn’t a bad kid overall and has a lot of friends (in person!), plays soccer and other sports, and has even worked at a day camp as a CIT. He has been tested this year through school bc we noticed a drop in his grades. But after the IEP was initiated he improved. A lot. But I do wonder about bipolar because this addictive screen personality of his doesn’t seem to fit the rest of his character. He’s social. Has a lot of friends. Is sporty. But once he gets his hands on the devices it’s like he completely turns into a different person. Yes, it’s what I imagine a drug addict would act like - stealing, lying, personality shift.

OP my son has similar tendencies and bipolar was ruled out after an inpatient stay and evaluation. It IS possible for this to be about his adhd if severe enough. My son too is social and sporty. I would encourage at home drug testing starting now even if you think he isn’t using. This type of thrill seeking and addictive personality finds dopamine hits of all kinds.

[Anonymous]

Therapeutic boarding school (you don’t have to commit for years, it could be a semester stay) is another option but it is very possible your son’s issues won’t be severe enough for them to take him. Often some sort of emergency hospital stay (think severe anxiety or a suicide attempt) are what triggers an admission. The other con is that they are extremely expensive, and insurance may or may not be helpful. But it might be worth calling and and having his psychiatrist recommend some places as well. Check out Newport Academy or Asheville academy. I do not have personal experience with them unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Military school?

OP Here. Where? On this board and others people are recommending residential facilities and military school but where specifically? Are there any that are recommended the area?

Valley Forge outside of Philly. https://www.vfmac.edu/

[Anonymous]

Hi. You sound at your wits end and angry. It is a really difficult place to be in, and it sounds like your family is locked in a spiral. Try a good wilderness program like Second Nature, BlueFire or Evoke. Other options might include therapeutic boarding school or residential treatment centers, either after or instead of those programs. I'd suggest reaching out to an educational consultant. One locally is Tom Harvey. I'd suggest joining the WTRS group on Facebook to get ideas and support there.

You could try parent coaching and a mentor locally, but it sounds like that kind of thing hasn't been working. A break for you all might be helpful.

[Anonymous]

PP here: I would try all those things over and instead of military school. Military schools these days are more for kids who want to be there, and they won't help with family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

I would look at adjusting the dose on the mood stabilizer and stimulant if this doesn't improve once he goes back on the stimulant.

What happens when you try to talk to DS about the stealing when you're both calm? We have a child who would seek vengeance on us if he felt wronged, which is what wiping your DH's laptop reminded me of. But, our DS was able to talk with us and figure out a solution. In this case, are you able to talk to DS about screentime limits and doing yard work or something to earn money or is he just too angry? Maybe revisit after he's back on stimulants and has had a reset by being at camp.

I think some of the solution is going to have to get DS to buy in rather than just an arms race of hacking vs anti hacking measures. You can up your anti-hacking game, which might help a bit, but you're up against a smart kid who's making defeating your security his full time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The OP never blamed themselves and i never got the impression they feel any responsibility and that he's just a black sheep, bad kid.

1. he will get caught eventually and all you can do is hope it's sooner rather than later to avoid harsher, more severe life-altering consequences
2. technology including video games is a privilege, not a right or need - if he can't demonstrate responsibility, then he's not old mature enough to handle
3. white privilege is not a heredity condition - make him work
4. get him into some intervention individual therapy, stimulant medication for impulsivity
5. it sounds like your family has the resources so take him on a trip to an indigent country -show him how fortunate he is
6. Volunteer at a community shelter, etc.

Op here. Thank you.

1. I am terrified he’s going to get himself in a situation we can’t rescue him from. It’s starting to build up.

2. Agree on this. But we cannot eliminate all tech from our house. We both telework full time and he is not an only child - We have other kids/teen siblings who have earned the privilege and use it responsibly including internet and tv. We lock up his stuff. Take it away. Even gave him an old school flip phone for the times he needed to stay in touch.

3. Make him work how? Suggestions on how and where? He had a job as a CIT early on this summer and blew it and quit after the first week. He didn’t want to do what the directors told him to do. Who else will hire an almost 14 year old?

4. He has seen a psychiatrist and has been on a low dose mood regulation medication for years. And during the school year stimulants. Maybe we need to increase the dose of the mood regulator. Doc said to only give the stimulant during school year. I just found him a therapist to start next week.

5. We did over spring break. Visited two somewhat impoverished areas (admittedly touristy tho) and he was observant but clearly didn’t make an impact hugely.

6. Any suggestions for a community shelter to volunteer that will take 13-14 year olds? Would love any suggestions.

I am open to all these suggestions. Need specifics bc I’ve tried some of these without success. And again he isn’t my only child. I have three others as well.

Quite frankly, he needs to be on the stimulants year-round that includes summer and weekends. It’s very obvious that he cannot regulate himself at all and at least the stimulants will help some. I’m also suggesting therapy for the electronics addiction. I don’t have anyone to send you too, but I do know the therapist that specialize in this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would look at adjusting the dose on the mood stabilizer and stimulant if this doesn't improve once he goes back on the stimulant.

What happens when you try to talk to DS about the stealing when you're both calm? We have a child who would seek vengeance on us if he felt wronged, which is what wiping your DH's laptop reminded me of. But, our DS was able to talk with us and figure out a solution. In this case, are you able to talk to DS about screentime limits and doing yard work or something to earn money or is he just too angry? Maybe revisit after he's back on stimulants and has had a reset by being at camp.

I think some of the solution is going to have to get DS to buy in rather than just an arms race of hacking vs anti hacking measures. You can up your anti-hacking game, which might help a bit, but you're up against a smart kid who's making defeating your security his full time job.

This. If he says in the home, the arms race will just continue and he will win because he has nothing else to do. If he can buy-in with you, you have something to work with.

[Anonymous]

Google "PDA equalizing" and see if it makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have snow young adult who did many of these things. He was diagnosed with bipolar and medicated with antipsychotics which helped with the behaviors but did t extinguish them.

We spent probably years locking things in the car and sleeping with the keys. We did residential treatment in a program for juvenile delinquents but if your husband won’t pay for outward bound, he’s not likely to pay for residential either. Also military school sounds good but they dont take troubled kids.

I don’t have easy answers for you. We lived through 8 years of on again off again hell. I think it sounds good to go to law enforcement or the bank but having lived through something similar, I think it’s something to make you feel better and not likely to make any difference. We eventually had to come to peace with letting whatever happens happen. We also didn’t pick battles like limiting cellphone use because it was ineffective.

I also don’t understand stopping meds. Does your psychiatrist know how bad it is?

Op here and this is what I am afraid of. How old was your DC when diagnosed with bipolar? I actually asked my DS’s psychiatrist about a bipolar diagnosis bc I agree that’s what could be going on here, but two child psychiatrists (including one at Children’s National and his current one at a private practice) both said they “don’t diagnose bipolar in kids.” He’s been tested at Kennedy Kriger many years ago around age 6 for severe tantrums (result was anxiety and dysregulation), he was tested at Children’s at around age 8 bc I had to bring him there for a severe/violent tantrum that wouldn’t end, and he was most recently tested at school at age 13, and qualified immediately for an IEP due to severe ADHD. But no one has ever diagnosed him with more than adhd, anxiety and dysregulation disorder.

He isn’t having tantrums anymore but has instead evolved into these addictive behaviors and theft/stealing which the psych has said are all impulse control. He isn’t physically violent and is generally a sweet teen/kid. But he doesn’t seem to understand that hacking/stealing money etc isn’t okay.

I just can’t give up on him at age 13-14!

My son was 15 when he was diagnosed. Everyone was reluctant but they just treated it and prescribed like it was bipolar. The diagnosis came after a full neuropsych with added on mental health testing - can’t recall what it was but it added 20% to the total bill and was additional to the other testing.

My son also has really severe ADHD. It’s a tough combination but medications can be very effective.

[Anonymous]

So we’ve dealt with this across two kids though not as severe as the OP’s situation.

DS, neurotypical or high performing anxiety straight A student was obsessed with Roblox. He blew every bit of allowance, every birthday check, every gift card on it. Would get extremely upset when we said no more. He grew out of it. Replaced Roblox with the game Civilization which is more thoughtful and less addictive. He dropped it altogether once he started going to the gym. He is now a 4.7 GPA, straight 5s on AP and blows his money on old vinyl albums.

DD ADHD, Anxiety severe, was never obsessed with video games unless she was playing online with her friends. She was obsessed and addicted to Snapchat and having access to the Internet. Same issue that OP as she would steal other devices. DH is a horrible packrat and an engineer so the garage has multiple non working computers which she of course was able to cobble together. She would steal my make up, our AirPods etc. she has stopped stealing stuff and she is in a four year engineering major but really struggles with the adhd and anxiety.

My suggestion, Get a new psych or be more forceful that he needs medication during the summer. Get him into an in person JAVA or C++ class at your local community college, they often have summer programs. Get him into a sport or going to the gym, The physical activity and body confidence is a big thing with kids this age. Get him a personal trainer once a week or every week. Give him ways to earn money. Think beyond just basic chores. I paid my kids to finish khan academy courses of their choosing or read books or duolingo. Learn more about the technology in your house. He shouldn’t be able to hack into everyone’s accounts or the safe. He isn’t a genius, you all are just really bad at securing your devices.

[Anonymous]

Roblox and Twitch if it’s still a thing are addictive. Dropping a severe ADHD kid into Roblox is like dropping a gambling addict into a casino. Do you monitor Roblox? There were issues probably still are of bad actors, far right extremists and scammers targeting young boys through Roblox. There are some really weird adults on it.

When my son was 13 he was excited to receive a letter in the mail. It had stickers and a two page hand written letter from a basement dwelling loser man in Florida. DH and I were enraged, not at DS but this creep. We tracked down who he was and screamed at him. He quickly dropped our son from his groups and we continuously monitored DS’s Twitch.

[Anonymous]

Possibly look into physical security keys for phones and computers and keeping the keys on you at all times. Ditto with all credit/debit cards, keepthem on youatalltimes. But youll have to get your son's buy in re reducing access to electronics and money, otherwise he'll take a hammer to your computer while you're in the bathroom or something.