ADHD 14-year old delinquent stealing. Help!

[Anonymous]

Does anyone have advice on local resources in NoVA or DC available for a borderline delinquent 14 year old? This is the 5-6th time he’s stolen from his immediate family members (parents and siblings) by hacking bank accounts, transferring money to himself, or stealing/unauthorized use of credit or debit cards. He does this to buy things online and even though he’s lost his phone and computer he then steals his siblings’ phones or other family devices to do this. He also has been in trouble at school recently at year’s end for poor grades and bullying, and he doesn’t want to do anything productive this summer like get a job or go to camp. Just tv and videogames. We are at our wits end.

He has nothing to be angry about and is basically a poster child for DC area white privilege. Siblings are out working at camps and playing sports and being productive and happy. He isn’t like this at all. It’s gross and we are at our wits end with how to deal with his crap. Neither DH or I acted this way. At some point he’s going to end up in jail or get his ass kicked. What do we do with a kid like this? I don’t even know how to discipline him. Are there any legit youth programs to give him a wake up call and make him realize how lucky and fortunate he is? Hes already in psychotherapy for adhd and dysregulation disorder and we are adding another therapist next week after this latest incident.

Im tired of having to cancel accounts and contest charges bc he’s a little POS. Hes done this repeatedly and acts remorseful afterward but then a month later and it’s the same behaviors again.

I’m afraid at some point he’s going to do something we can’t rescue him from. He’s committing wire fraud!

[Anonymous]

You say his siblings are at camp or counselors or doing sports. What does your DS like? If it's video games, would he be interested in E sports? Or streaming on Twitch or making videos? Give him something to focus on, put his energy towards.

[Anonymous]

What consequences does he have? Do you restrict and lock up electronics? Put two factor authentication on your accounts? Make him work to pay back the money?

[Anonymous]

Military school?

[Anonymous]

I totally feel for you. This is so hard. You sound frustrated and angry, and rightly so.

Is this new behavior or a new attitude, or sort of a new iteration of a situation that has been around for years? I ask because if it's newish, that suggests more of a depression type situation, whereas ongoing sounds more like the ODD aspects of ADHD. That's really tough and needs a very different approach (and lots of self care for you!).

First, stop blaming yourselves. The fact that you had to post about your other kids succeeding suggests you feel like you will be blamed. I get it, but try to move past this. It won't help you or him.

Second, continue working with the providers you have. Hopefully someone of them are supporting you in parenting. If not, find someone who will. We have a similar kid, and his therapist meets with us once a month. It's not perfect, but it helps a lot. I would go beyond that in this critical moment sand seek some strong parent coaching for specifically dealing with your specific situation. This is not blaming your parenting - it's just that having a professional with experience in this can help you pick the best approach and stay confident with it. There is no easy fix, so this is a long haul.

Have meds been considered?

How do you provide consequences and incentives? If he feels he has no choice and is backed into a corner, it may get worse. Incentives are great, even when they feel like you shouldn't need them (ie I'm rewarding my kid who is screwing up nonstop for going out for a walk??? He should just do this anyway). They can help give some autonomy and control and help a kid start to feel like they aren't losing on all fronts. But pick and choose carefully.

There also have to be some consequences, and certainly some restrictions. If that means literally getting rid of the TV or locking it up for six months, do it. If that means extra security on siblings' phones, do it.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Why do you have a tv, video games, or computer in your house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say his siblings are at camp or counselors or doing sports. What does your DS like? If it's video games, would he be interested in E sports? Or streaming on Twitch or making videos? Give him something to focus on, put his energy towards.

Op here. He wants to stare at screens and play Fortnite and Roblox all day. When we take it away he will pilfer through the house trying to find his phone or computer. He has hacked our safe to access them. He mostly steals from family to buy crap in these games.

[Anonymous]

Have you done a full set of neuropsych to see if there’s anything in his profile that explains this behavior?

[Anonymous]

Would you consider a military academy like Fork Union?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What consequences does he have? Do you restrict and lock up electronics? Put two factor authentication on your accounts? Make him work to pay back the money?

We have a lock with keypad on our pantry, master bedroom door, and also a safe in our bedroom behind the locked door. He has hacked them all. He has hacked my phone to transfer himself money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally feel for you. This is so hard. You sound frustrated and angry, and rightly so.

Is this new behavior or a new attitude, or sort of a new iteration of a situation that has been around for years? I ask because if it's newish, that suggests more of a depression type situation, whereas ongoing sounds more like the ODD aspects of ADHD. That's really tough and needs a very different approach (and lots of self care for you!).

First, stop blaming yourselves. The fact that you had to post about your other kids succeeding suggests you feel like you will be blamed. I get it, but try to move past this. It won't help you or him.

Second, continue working with the providers you have. Hopefully someone of them are supporting you in parenting. If not, find someone who will. We have a similar kid, and his therapist meets with us once a month. It's not perfect, but it helps a lot. I would go beyond that in this critical moment sand seek some strong parent coaching for specifically dealing with your specific situation. This is not blaming your parenting - it's just that having a professional with experience in this can help you pick the best approach and stay confident with it. There is no easy fix, so this is a long haul.

Have meds been considered?

How do you provide consequences and incentives? If he feels he has no choice and is backed into a corner, it may get worse. Incentives are great, even when they feel like you shouldn't need them (ie I'm rewarding my kid who is screwing up nonstop for going out for a walk??? He should just do this anyway). They can help give some autonomy and control and help a kid start to feel like they aren't losing on all fronts. But pick and choose carefully.

There also have to be some consequences, and certainly some restrictions. If that means literally getting rid of the TV or locking it up for six months, do it. If that means extra security on siblings' phones, do it.

Good luck!

The OP never blamed themselves and i never got the impression they feel any responsibility and that he's just a black sheep, bad kid.

1. he will get caught eventually and all you can do is hope it's sooner rather than later to avoid harsher, more severe life-altering consequences
2. technology including video games is a privilege, not a right or need - if he can't demonstrate responsibility, then he's not old mature enough to handle
3. white privilege is not a heredity condition - make him work
4. get him into some intervention individual therapy, stimulant medication for impulsivity
5. it sounds like your family has the resources so take him on a trip to an indigent country -show him how fortunate he is
6. Volunteer at a community shelter, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally feel for you. This is so hard. You sound frustrated and angry, and rightly so.

Is this new behavior or a new attitude, or sort of a new iteration of a situation that has been around for years? I ask because if it's newish, that suggests more of a depression type situation, whereas ongoing sounds more like the ODD aspects of ADHD. That's really tough and needs a very different approach (and lots of self care for you!).

First, stop blaming yourselves. The fact that you had to post about your other kids succeeding suggests you feel like you will be blamed. I get it, but try to move past this. It won't help you or him.

Second, continue working with the providers you have. Hopefully someone of them are supporting you in parenting. If not, find someone who will. We have a similar kid, and his therapist meets with us once a month. It's not perfect, but it helps a lot. I would go beyond that in this critical moment sand seek some strong parent coaching for specifically dealing with your specific situation. This is not blaming your parenting - it's just that having a professional with experience in this can help you pick the best approach and stay confident with it. There is no easy fix, so this is a long haul.

Have meds been considered?

How do you provide consequences and incentives? If he feels he has no choice and is backed into a corner, it may get worse. Incentives are great, even when they feel like you shouldn't need them (ie I'm rewarding my kid who is screwing up nonstop for going out for a walk??? He should just do this anyway). They can help give some autonomy and control and help a kid start to feel like they aren't losing on all fronts. But pick and choose carefully.

There also have to be some consequences, and certainly some restrictions. If that means literally getting rid of the TV or locking it up for six months, do it. If that means extra security on siblings' phones, do it.

Good luck!

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. OP here. This has been an ongoing problem for years since COVID lockdown since he was about 8-9. Not even kidding. He has hacked every system in our house in the last 5 years, from phones to networks to security locks and even our safe. All to play these stupid videogames and access his locked up tech. We have run out of hiding spaces. The car still works. He once got so angry when we took his phone and computer away that he retaliated by hacking into my husband’s laptop, made himself the admin, and wiped the entire thing.

But it’s getting progressively worse — until today he has never outright gone into my purse and taken my physical credit card. Previously it was transferring money around to himself or using devices to transfer money around and hacking workarounds.

I am debating whether a trip to the bank tomorrow to discuss with manager or a trip to the police station would be worthwhile.

He has an adhd diagnosis and dysregulation disorder diagnosis. He has been on medication for mood disorders/severe tantrums as well as ADHD stimulants during the school year. The doctor said he didn’t need to take them on weekends and during summer.

I don’t know how to parent this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say his siblings are at camp or counselors or doing sports. What does your DS like? If it's video games, would he be interested in E sports? Or streaming on Twitch or making videos? Give him something to focus on, put his energy towards.

Op here. He wants to stare at screens and play Fortnite and Roblox all day. When we take it away he will pilfer through the house trying to find his phone or computer. He has hacked our safe to access them. He mostly steals from family to buy crap in these games.

It sounds like you need some serious interventions for screen addiction. I'd look into residential treatment facilities.

[Anonymous]

He was 13 in your nearly identical post on the teens and tween board. Is this for real?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The OP never blamed themselves and i never got the impression they feel any responsibility and that he's just a black sheep, bad kid.

1. he will get caught eventually and all you can do is hope it's sooner rather than later to avoid harsher, more severe life-altering consequences
2. technology including video games is a privilege, not a right or need - if he can't demonstrate responsibility, then he's not old mature enough to handle
3. white privilege is not a heredity condition - make him work
4. get him into some intervention individual therapy, stimulant medication for impulsivity
5. it sounds like your family has the resources so take him on a trip to an indigent country -show him how fortunate he is
6. Volunteer at a community shelter, etc.

Op here. Thank you.

1. I am terrified he’s going to get himself in a situation we can’t rescue him from. It’s starting to build up.

2. Agree on this. But we cannot eliminate all tech from our house. We both telework full time and he is not an only child - We have other kids/teen siblings who have earned the privilege and use it responsibly including internet and tv. We lock up his stuff. Take it away. Even gave him an old school flip phone for the times he needed to stay in touch.

3. Make him work how? Suggestions on how and where? He had a job as a CIT early on this summer and blew it and quit after the first week. He didn’t want to do what the directors told him to do. Who else will hire an almost 14 year old?

4. He has seen a psychiatrist and has been on a low dose mood regulation medication for years. And during the school year stimulants. Maybe we need to increase the dose of the mood regulator. Doc said to only give the stimulant during school year. I just found him a therapist to start next week.

5. We did over spring break. Visited two somewhat impoverished areas (admittedly touristy tho) and he was observant but clearly didn’t make an impact hugely.

6. Any suggestions for a community shelter to volunteer that will take 13-14 year olds? Would love any suggestions.

I am open to all these suggestions. Need specifics bc I’ve tried some of these without success. And again he isn’t my only child. I have three others as well.