Reply to Equitable/reasonable division of care among siblings

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So complicated. Since you sound like the peacemaker, why do you think bare min sibling is not pitching in? Has anyone asked bare min sib to do X?  Maybe they need a specific task.  Does helper sib think bare min sibling should just “know” what needs to be done?[/quote]

The unhelpful sibling never offers to do anything even when it’s obvious the other siblings need help.

When asked directly to do something,[b] they typically have an excuse (too busy with kids soccer/birthday parties, taking kids to/from school, work travel, vacations, their own family’s medical appointments, etc.). [/b]

The other siblings have the same busy family schedules, but we take turns and [b]enlist the help of our spouses and sometimes teenagers to cover with family stuff so we can handle the caregiving. [/b]

The most helpful sibling is convinced the unhelpful one is just selfish. They only see the impact of caregiving on themselves and their own schedule and cannot recognize the sacrifices the rest of us are making to help our parent and each other.

Re: cutting them out - It has more to do with logistics and planning. While we’ve typically done the big family holidays at a sibling’s house, now the helpful one has suggested moving Christmas to their vacation home or a vacation destination. The elderly parent will be there (since the helpful one is the primary caregiver). The other helpful siblings will be invited, but the unhelpful one won’t…unless I can broker peace.

[/quote]

It sounds like the caregiving is too much work for your extended family to handle.   Do you/your "helpful" sibling" really expect the other sibling's family to miss out on kids activities, skip their own medical appointments, etc.?[/quote]

Of course not.

But the unhelpful sibling has a spouse.

There’s no reason for any of us to miss everything. When everyone takes turns, everyone wins.

The point is this one sibling always has an excuse and never helps.

If our parent has weekly pt plus other random appointments, everyone should volunteer to take a turn…or step up and cover something else.

I mean, everyone grocery shops, right? Why can’t they pick up the groceries once in a while? Why can’t they offer to prepare some meals?

The big thing is respite care. Why not offer to cover a week or weekend? [/quote]
They should, but you can’t make them, so it doesn’t matter what an equitable division of duties is. It only matters what everyone is willing to do.[/quote]

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