When successful men with demanding jobs (doctor, lawyer) divorce, what usually causes it?

[Anonymous]

I’ll answer this as a wife of a very high earning big firm lawyer-I have to do everything. It’s exhausting and I have become extremely resentful.

We aren’t divorced…yet.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t have the energy to read this thread. But I’ve seen it in big law. Here’s my theory. The guys hit a certain number (45-ish) where he’s at the very peak of his career but things aren’t working for him so well in the marital bed. Instead of admitting he has the beginnings of age-related dysfunction, he figures his wife got too old or disinterested. A younger (much younger) woman will appreciate him and get him up! As a wise middle-aged women once said to her successful middle-aged ex-husband: “For a long time, I thought you left me because I got old. Now I realize it’s because you did.”

[Anonymous]

Divorce rate is still lower than average population among male physicians but increasing significantly in female physicians.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll answer this as a wife of a very high earning big firm lawyer-I have to do everything. It’s exhausting and I have become extremely resentful.

We aren’t divorced…yet.

if you are the wife of a high earner, you can pay people to do the stuff you don't want to do. cleaning, cooking, laundry, running kids around etc.

first world problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce rate is still lower than average population among male physicians but increasing significantly in female physicians.

People are getting hung up on this -- yes the rate of divorce among high earners and well educated people is lower and this applies to doctors and lawyers.

The question is not "why do lawyers and doctors divorce at higher rates?" It's "when men who are successful in these fields DO divorce, what is the root cause?" It's more specific. The question is what is it about these jobs or the men in these jobs that might result in divorce.

[Anonymous]

Speaking as a woman, the big lawyers and doctors do not divorce much. They tend to have sex on the side. The big law partners can easily carve out time for affairs. Out of the doctors, the surgeons (specifically ortho, plastic surgeons, etc) tend to be the worst offenders.

They all tend to prefer to stay married. To maintain consistent care for their kids and for sake of public image.

[Anonymous]

We divorce for all of the same reasons other couples divorce. ex. lost the spark, addictions, one or both working too much, arguments over finances, one or both cheat, and lack of faith. The only thing unique about young doctors is they are all dainty momma’s boys who never lifted a finger growing up, so highly likely your MIL will be a passive-aggressive busybody who is over-involved in your marriage and tries to boss you around. Have fun with that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce rate is still lower than average population among male physicians but increasing significantly in female physicians.

People are getting hung up on this -- yes the rate of divorce among high earners and well educated people is lower and this applies to doctors and lawyers.

The question is not "why do lawyers and doctors divorce at higher rates?" It's "when men who are successful in these fields DO divorce, what is the root cause?" It's more specific. The question is what is it about these jobs or the men in these jobs that might result in divorce.

They are powerful enough to attract a mistress, and when they cheat, their wives determine they can afford to divorce after assets, alimony and child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll answer this as a wife of a very high earning big firm lawyer-I have to do everything. It’s exhausting and I have become extremely resentful.

We aren’t divorced…yet.

if you are the wife of a high earner, you can pay people to do the stuff you don't want to do. cleaning, cooking, laundry, running kids around etc.

first world problems.

You can't pay someone to love your kids for you or make a house feel like a home or figure out how to support your middle schooler who is struggling socially or show up to family events with you to make it easier to deal with your FIL. There are certain aspects of being a partner and a parent that cannot be outsourced, and if one person decides that they don't have to do ANY of it, even physically show up a lot of the time, because of their job, it absolutely can lead to resentment. Even if you outsource every bit of labor that can be outsourced (though even this has it's limits because while a big law partner or surgeon will make a ton of money, it's not enough to hire a full time live in housekeeper and a chef and a driver), being totally alone in maintaining all the relationships in a family is actually incredibly difficult and isolating.

[Anonymous]

My observations as a biglaw DW with her own career: At work, my DH gets a lot of admiration and praise, but he also gets a lot of pressure. Meanwhile, I am putting in a lot of sacrifice to keep things running smoothly and much of it could easily be unnoticed. I think some DHs don't appreciate all the stuff going on behind the scenes and/or the wives feel resentful that they have to do it in the first place. Then the DH walks in the door and is faced with a bad attitude and resentment when they are already exhausted and stressed, and it's a stark contrast to the young associates/paralegals who fawn over their greatness at work.

Add in a dead bedroom and/or limited time with the family, too much drinking, the bonding with people at work who are in the pressure cooker with you while your wife/family 'don't understand', and you have two people who's physical and emotional needs are not met and they're too burnt out and busy to actually communicate about it.

I'd also add that a lot of unhappiness comes from the mismatch in expectations of what you expect from the other spouse. The biglaw lawyer thinks they're working their butt off to fund this nice lifestyle and the other person is ungrateful and greets them at the door with a to do list and scowl, meanwhile the spouse is thinking that they are unappreciated and their spouse isn't meeting their emotional needs because they don't spend time with them. Call me old fashioned but I credit a lot of my marital success to making my husband look forward to coming home: smile on my face, active bedroom, dote on him when he walks in the door, save my asks of his time/energy for when I can tell that he has had a chance to decompress, and throw resources at problems that can be solved without him. As a result, he's probably home more often than his peers and won't have an extra drink at the bar after work because he'd have a better time at home, so my needs feel met (most of the time).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Speaking as a woman, the big lawyers and doctors do not divorce much. They tend to have sex on the side. The big law partners can easily carve out time for affairs. Out of the doctors, the surgeons (specifically ortho, plastic surgeons, etc) tend to be the worst offenders.

They all tend to prefer to stay married. To maintain consistent care for their kids and for sake of public image.

Agree with this. And big law partners (men and women) have more opportunities for affairs because they often travel a lot, and the nature of their business brings them into contact with a wide range of people who might be up for short or long-term affairs -- clients, associates, colleagues/friends/old flames in other cities. And their work is often social (dinners, drinks, and other entertainment) which makes it very easy to conceal extra-marital relationships.

My sense is doctors who cheat are much more likely to do it with staff within their practice or hospital, which can be incredibly convenient, but is a much smaller pool and seems riskier if you really care about not getting caught (not just by your spouse but by colleagues as well, as that kind of workplace affair can be very problematic). And while technically lawyers and doctors both have ethical rules that make relationships with clients/patients a bad idea, the rules for doctors are a much bigger deal. A corporate law partner having an affair with someone in the GC's office at a corporate client would really not be considered a big deal; a surgeon having an affair with a patient would be jeopardize their license to practice.

Now, doctors who teach in med schools, or who are very active on the publishing/speaking circuit? Lots of opportunities to cheat.

[Anonymous]

Many things. Cheating, stress, and little time spent with spouse. I know a couple that just got divorced. Neither party cheated. He worked so much that this just grew apart. She said he was never around but he was working.

Another one I know the wife actually cheated on her husband. He was working long hours and she didn’t work. She was bored and had multiple affairs. He divorced her when he found out. Now happily remarried to someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Speaking as a woman, the big lawyers and doctors do not divorce much. They tend to have sex on the side. The big law partners can easily carve out time for affairs. Out of the doctors, the surgeons (specifically ortho, plastic surgeons, etc) tend to be the worst offenders.

They all tend to prefer to stay married. To maintain consistent care for their kids and for sake of public image.

Agree with this. And big law partners (men and women) have more opportunities for affairs because they often travel a lot, and the nature of their business brings them into contact with a wide range of people who might be up for short or long-term affairs -- clients, associates, colleagues/friends/old flames in other cities. And their work is often social (dinners, drinks, and other entertainment) which makes it very easy to conceal extra-marital relationships.

My sense is doctors who cheat are much more likely to do it with staff within their practice or hospital, which can be incredibly convenient, but is a much smaller pool and seems riskier if you really care about not getting caught (not just by your spouse but by colleagues as well, as that kind of workplace affair can be very problematic). And while technically lawyers and doctors both have ethical rules that make relationships with clients/patients a bad idea, the rules for doctors are a much bigger deal. A corporate law partner having an affair with someone in the GC's office at a corporate client would really not be considered a big deal; a surgeon having an affair with a patient would be jeopardize their license to practice.

Now, doctors who teach in med schools, or who are very active on the publishing/speaking circuit? Lots of opportunities to cheat.

I teach in a med school. I've seen none of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Speaking as a woman, the big lawyers and doctors do not divorce much. They tend to have sex on the side. The big law partners can easily carve out time for affairs. Out of the doctors, the surgeons (specifically ortho, plastic surgeons, etc) tend to be the worst offenders.

They all tend to prefer to stay married. To maintain consistent care for their kids and for sake of public image.

Agree with this. And big law partners (men and women) have more opportunities for affairs because they often travel a lot, and the nature of their business brings them into contact with a wide range of people who might be up for short or long-term affairs -- clients, associates, colleagues/friends/old flames in other cities. And their work is often social (dinners, drinks, and other entertainment) which makes it very easy to conceal extra-marital relationships.

My sense is doctors who cheat are much more likely to do it with staff within their practice or hospital, which can be incredibly convenient, but is a much smaller pool and seems riskier if you really care about not getting caught (not just by your spouse but by colleagues as well, as that kind of workplace affair can be very problematic). And while technically lawyers and doctors both have ethical rules that make relationships with clients/patients a bad idea, the rules for doctors are a much bigger deal. A corporate law partner having an affair with someone in the GC's office at a corporate client would really not be considered a big deal; a surgeon having an affair with a patient would be jeopardize their license to practice.

Now, doctors who teach in med schools, or who are very active on the publishing/speaking circuit? Lots of opportunities to cheat.

I teach in a med school. I've seen none of this.

Reading comprehension. The point was that there are more opportunities to cheat in that setting than a doctor who spending all his time in practice. Not that all doctors who teach in med schools cheat. A doctor who is teaching will interact with a broader range of people and also have a more varied schedule which makes it easier to conceal an affair if you want to have one. A physician who spends every work day in the same practice with the same 20 people will have fewer opportunities to cheat in a way that would be hard to detect.

[Anonymous]

Flattery. At work there are secretaries, concierges, associates, intern, all of whom are impressed by a title and salary.

Then at home, no one cares about the title and when the wife is a high earner, the salary. Kids are difficult, and real emotions are hard.

When a person is surrounded by flattery, it’s hard to remember that it isn’t real. It’s cheap and disappears quickly.