When successful men with demanding jobs (doctor, lawyer) divorce, what usually causes it?

[Anonymous]

Very few men initiate divorce. They are lazy and typically receive a lot of unpaid labor from a wife. They will stay married unless it’s horrific.

[Anonymous]

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:Very few men initiate divorce. They are lazy and typically receive a lot of unpaid labor from a wife. They will stay married unless it’s horrific.

Yeah, when a guy files for divorce you know it had to be beyond insane.

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:There wives carry all the burden of life hence they aren't as sweet as a random women sweet talking them.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:Very few men initiate divorce. They are lazy and typically receive a lot of unpaid labor from a wife. They will stay married unless it’s horrific.

Yeah, when a guy files for divorce you know it had to be beyond insane.

No. Usually it’s the because he has an AP lined up to move in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very few men initiate divorce. They are lazy and typically receive a lot of unpaid labor from a wife. They will stay married unless it’s horrific.

They’re so lazy, they get their elderly Moms to find the lawyer, fill out the paperwork, push for terms, and then watch the kids. Or just piss away huge unnecessary retainers to a lawyer.

Lawyers LOVE clueless clients who are easily angered.

[Anonymous]

I did everything, and yes, I outsourced when he was willing to let me, but the emotional and mental toll on me was significant. Meanwhile he turned into a dud who couldn’t do anything outside of work. Kids didnt respect him as they grew up. Then he lost most of his income and we are separated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:Very few men initiate divorce. They are lazy and typically receive a lot of unpaid labor from a wife. They will stay married unless it’s horrific.

Yeah, when a guy files for divorce you know it had to be beyond insane.

No. Usually it’s the because he has an AP lined up to move in

Or because couples therapy uncovered that the marital problems were because he was controlling and borderline abusive, the wife isn’t going for it any more, and the husband wants to move on to someone “softer.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:Very few men initiate divorce. They are lazy and typically receive a lot of unpaid labor from a wife. They will stay married unless it’s horrific.

Yeah, when a guy files for divorce you know it had to be beyond insane.

No. Usually it’s the because he has an AP lined up to move in

Or because couples therapy uncovered that the marital problems were because he was controlling and borderline abusive, the wife isn’t going for it any more, and the husband wants to move on to someone “softer.”

I think you're all right. Men don't leave if their needs are being met. A man with a demanding but high-paying job very often has a wife who will meet a lot of those needs, especially regarding family life -- it's what she signed up for, to a great degree. But if the bedroom goes quiet or she starts getting resentful, he might go looking for someone friendly and game (and if he's very successful and has some charisma, which these men often do, it will not be hard to find opportunities). If he finds someone he thinks could meet all the other needs AND where there's attraction and sex, he might be willing to divorce. Might. Depends on how appealing the AP is, and how sour things have gone with his wife. Most men won't, still, unless pushed.

More often I think there's a prolonged period of "working on it," often initiated by the wife who feels he is not present and doesn't prioritize her or the family. This can engender more resentment from him because working on it requires time and energy, and if his job is stressful and demanding, it can mean that he's spending what limited time off he has doing things like couples therapy (which can be absolutely brutal even when effective because you have to talk about all the uncomfortable stuff you usually avoid, and you have to sit there and listen to your spouse describe their unhappiness with you and your life while being instructed to be open to it and not get defensive or angry, which can be incredibly hard for someone with limited emotional maturity who is used to getting their way and never being questioned at work). I actually think this is the time that men are most likely to find, if not an AP, a potential one -- a friend or colleague who is kind and warm. It may not even be romantic or sexual, initially. But in the situations I've known where things have ended in this sort of relationship (with huge imbalances in earning and work prestige, often involving a SAHM), I think that's when it happened -- during the time where the wife thinks they are finally working on their marriage and figuring it out, but actually he's almost unconsciously figuring out his exit strategy because he simply does not have the interest or patience in fixing what is broken.

But never when the kids are young. Not for these sorts of marriages. It's later, when kids are teens or later. Sometimes there's a sense from him that she's freeloading at that point (as opposed to a SAHM or mommy-tracked spouse who is doing all the child rearing while you work 80 hour weeks, for which these men do tend to be quite grateful) because the kids are older and she has more free time and a very comfortable lifestyle and it's like "what is she complaining about?" Other times I think she's the one who gets restless when the kids are older. She might even have the affair. Or she starts working, starts a business, gets really into a hobby, because she's bored and he's always working, and they grow apart. Lots of ways this can happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did everything, and yes, I outsourced when he was willing to let me, but the emotional and mental toll on me was significant. Meanwhile he turned into a dud who couldn’t do anything outside of work. Kids didnt respect him as they grew up. Then he lost most of his income and we are separated.

Same. Once his unmanaged mental disorders starting really affecting his work life too, I divorced.
Luckily the kids were almost done with high school and I always worked fulltime in an excellent job and industry.
Him sitting at home on screens on "early retirement" even with kids at home still would have been a disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:Very few men initiate divorce. They are lazy and typically receive a lot of unpaid labor from a wife. They will stay married unless it’s horrific.

Yeah, when a guy files for divorce you know it had to be beyond insane.

No. Usually it’s the because he has an AP lined up to move in

Or because couples therapy uncovered that the marital problems were because he was controlling and borderline abusive, the wife isn’t going for it any more, and the husband wants to move on to someone “softer.”

I think you're all right. Men don't leave if their needs are being met. A man with a demanding but high-paying job very often has a wife who will meet a lot of those needs, especially regarding family life -- it's what she signed up for, to a great degree. But if the bedroom goes quiet or she starts getting resentful, he might go looking for someone friendly and game (and if he's very successful and has some charisma, which these men often do, it will not be hard to find opportunities). If he finds someone he thinks could meet all the other needs AND where there's attraction and sex, he might be willing to divorce. Might. Depends on how appealing the AP is, and how sour things have gone with his wife. Most men won't, still, unless pushed.

More often I think there's a prolonged period of "working on it," often initiated by the wife who feels he is not present and doesn't prioritize her or the family. This can engender more resentment from him because working on it requires time and energy, and if his job is stressful and demanding, it can mean that he's spending what limited time off he has doing things like couples therapy (which can be absolutely brutal even when effective because you have to talk about all the uncomfortable stuff you usually avoid, and you have to sit there and listen to your spouse describe their unhappiness with you and your life while being instructed to be open to it and not get defensive or angry, which can be incredibly hard for someone with limited emotional maturity who is used to getting their way and never being questioned at work). I actually think this is the time that men are most likely to find, if not an AP, a potential one -- a friend or colleague who is kind and warm. It may not even be romantic or sexual, initially. But in the situations I've known where things have ended in this sort of relationship (with huge imbalances in earning and work prestige, often involving a SAHM), I think that's when it happened -- during the time where the wife thinks they are finally working on their marriage and figuring it out, but actually he's almost unconsciously figuring out his exit strategy because he simply does not have the interest or patience in fixing what is broken.

But never when the kids are young. Not for these sorts of marriages. It's later, when kids are teens or later. Sometimes there's a sense from him that she's freeloading at that point (as opposed to a SAHM or mommy-tracked spouse who is doing all the child rearing while you work 80 hour weeks, for which these men do tend to be quite grateful) because the kids are older and she has more free time and a very comfortable lifestyle and it's like "what is she complaining about?" Other times I think she's the one who gets restless when the kids are older. She might even have the affair. Or she starts working, starts a business, gets really into a hobby, because she's bored and he's always working, and they grow apart. Lots of ways this can happen.

Yes, easier for the loser husband to hit the Easy Button and push for a divorce, drop that life, and revert to work + bachelor days.

They also do the passive aggressive or openly nasty aggressive thing to their wife once they are fully checked out and want her to file for divorce. Treat her like krap until she files like the bad guy.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][twitter][quote=Anonymous]Very few men initiate divorce. They are lazy and typically receive a lot of unpaid labor from a wife. They will stay married unless it’s horrific. [/quote]

Yeah, when a guy files for divorce you know it had to be beyond insane.[/quote]

Statistically, 2/3 of divorces are filed by women. Part of it might also be how much of a pain in the neck dating is for men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Speaking as a woman, the big lawyers and doctors do not divorce much. They tend to have sex on the side. The big law partners can easily carve out time for affairs. Out of the doctors, the surgeons (specifically ortho, plastic surgeons, etc) tend to be the worst offenders.

They all tend to prefer to stay married. To maintain consistent care for their kids and for sake of public image.

Agree with this. And big law partners (men and women) have more opportunities for affairs because they often travel a lot, and the nature of their business brings them into contact with a wide range of people who might be up for short or long-term affairs -- clients, associates, colleagues/friends/old flames in other cities. And their work is often social (dinners, drinks, and other entertainment) which makes it very easy to conceal extra-marital relationships.

My sense is doctors who cheat are much more likely to do it with staff within their practice or hospital, which can be incredibly convenient, but is a much smaller pool and seems riskier if you really care about not getting caught (not just by your spouse but by colleagues as well, as that kind of workplace affair can be very problematic). And while technically lawyers and doctors both have ethical rules that make relationships with clients/patients a bad idea, the rules for doctors are a much bigger deal. A corporate law partner having an affair with someone in the GC's office at a corporate client would really not be considered a big deal; a surgeon having an affair with a patient would be jeopardize their license to practice.

Now, doctors who teach in med schools, or who are very active on the publishing/speaking circuit? Lots of opportunities to cheat.

I teach in a med school. I've seen none of this.

Reading comprehension. The point was that there are more opportunities to cheat in that setting than a doctor who spending all his time in practice. Not that all doctors who teach in med schools cheat. A doctor who is teaching will interact with a broader range of people and also have a more varied schedule which makes it easier to conceal an affair if you want to have one. A physician who spends every work day in the same practice with the same 20 people will have fewer opportunities to cheat in a way that would be hard to detect.

It's not a matter of reading comprehension and more you just pulling stuff out of your arse because your thumbs got on a roll posting.

Actually it's a matter of asking yourself why the idea that SOME doctors cheat (a fact) is so offensive to you personally.

I’m married to a high earning surgeon. There are actually not that many divorces. The divorces I know of it is usually the wife who cheated and/or left the surgeon husband. When the husband cheats, the wife often stays.

Dh and I are in sync. I know his schedule, which mornings he operates, which days he can drive one kid to school on his way to a branch office. I know what days he operates and which days he sees patients. We have a standing lunch date every week. We text and/talk daily to see when he will be home and most days, he picks up a kid from sports practice or he meets us at a kid’s sports game. DH is home for dinner most nights. It would take time and effort for Dh to hide an affair.

There are some physicians who travel often for consulting and speaking assignments at meetings and conferences. We know a few men who definitely cheat on these trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Flattery. At work there are secretaries, concierges, associates, intern, all of whom are impressed by a title and salary.

Then at home, no one cares about the title and when the wife is a high earner, the salary. Kids are difficult, and real emotions are hard.

When a person is surrounded by flattery, it’s hard to remember that it isn’t real. It’s cheap and disappears quickly.

Who is writing these ridiculous comments, dorky male MDs themselves? This notion every woman in an average MD's orbit is throwing themselves at him could not be further from the truth. The average 30 or 40 something MD is an arrogant balding dork with zero game; women in his orbit are far more likely to be ridiculing him behind his back, not lusting for him. Charming albeit sleazebag sales reps who prowl hospitals and medical offices get exponentially more booty.

[Anonymous]

Every doctor or lawyer under age 45 we know is married to another striver doctor, lawyer, consultant, or fed. JDs, MBAs, and MDs go hand in hand. A couple starter marriage divorces (0-3 years married) but over 90% are still together. Cheating definitely happens on both sides because when you both work a lot, you grow closer to colleagues and work associates, since you spend more time with them than with your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:Very few men initiate divorce. They are lazy and typically receive a lot of unpaid labor from a wife. They will stay married unless it’s horrific.

Yeah, when a guy files for divorce you know it had to be beyond insane.

No. Usually it’s the because he has an AP lined up to move in

Or because couples therapy uncovered that the marital problems were because he was controlling and borderline abusive, the wife isn’t going for it any more, and the husband wants to move on to someone “softer.”

I think you're all right. Men don't leave if their needs are being met. A man with a demanding but high-paying job very often has a wife who will meet a lot of those needs, especially regarding family life -- it's what she signed up for, to a great degree. But if the bedroom goes quiet or she starts getting resentful, he might go looking for someone friendly and game (and if he's very successful and has some charisma, which these men often do, it will not be hard to find opportunities). If he finds someone he thinks could meet all the other needs AND where there's attraction and sex, he might be willing to divorce. Might. Depends on how appealing the AP is, and how sour things have gone with his wife. Most men won't, still, unless pushed.

More often I think there's a prolonged period of "working on it," often initiated by the wife who feels he is not present and doesn't prioritize her or the family. This can engender more resentment from him because working on it requires time and energy, and if his job is stressful and demanding, it can mean that he's spending what limited time off he has doing things like couples therapy (which can be absolutely brutal even when effective because you have to talk about all the uncomfortable stuff you usually avoid, and you have to sit there and listen to your spouse describe their unhappiness with you and your life while being instructed to be open to it and not get defensive or angry, which can be incredibly hard for someone with limited emotional maturity who is used to getting their way and never being questioned at work). I actually think this is the time that men are most likely to find, if not an AP, a potential one -- a friend or colleague who is kind and warm. It may not even be romantic or sexual, initially. But in the situations I've known where things have ended in this sort of relationship (with huge imbalances in earning and work prestige, often involving a SAHM), I think that's when it happened -- during the time where the wife thinks they are finally working on their marriage and figuring it out, but actually he's almost unconsciously figuring out his exit strategy because he simply does not have the interest or patience in fixing what is broken.

But never when the kids are young. Not for these sorts of marriages. It's later, when kids are teens or later. Sometimes there's a sense from him that she's freeloading at that point (as opposed to a SAHM or mommy-tracked spouse who is doing all the child rearing while you work 80 hour weeks, for which these men do tend to be quite grateful) because the kids are older and she has more free time and a very comfortable lifestyle and it's like "what is she complaining about?" Other times I think she's the one who gets restless when the kids are older. She might even have the affair. Or she starts working, starts a business, gets really into a hobby, because she's bored and he's always working, and they grow apart. Lots of ways this can happen.

This is a really thoughtful post