When successful men with demanding jobs (doctor, lawyer) divorce, what usually causes it?

[Anonymous]

+1. also, I know two stay at home dads who were shown the door after the kids became teens. Both nice guys and friends of mine. Be forewarned … work on your second career!

[Anonymous]

This forum is filled creepy people spamming corny stereotypes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every doctor or lawyer under age 45 we know is married to another striver doctor, lawyer, consultant, or fed. JDs, MBAs, and MDs go hand in hand. A couple starter marriage divorces (0-3 years married) but over 90% are still together. Cheating definitely happens on both sides because when you both work a lot, you grow closer to colleagues and work associates, since you spend more time with them than with your spouse.

The divorces in this group will come but will happen when they hit 55+, are not as busy, don't have kids left in the house, and realize they don't especially want to do the same things for the rest of their lives.
You'll also start to see the first-time dads who are not interested in that lifestyle shift at 35 or 40.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1. also, I know two stay at home dads who were shown the door after the kids became teens. Both nice guys and friends of mine. Be forewarned … work on your second career!

Probably getting good alimony checks and they will have nice retirement accounts too!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Speaking as a woman, the big lawyers and doctors do not divorce much. They tend to have sex on the side. The big law partners can easily carve out time for affairs. Out of the doctors, the surgeons (specifically ortho, plastic surgeons, etc) tend to be the worst offenders.

They all tend to prefer to stay married. To maintain consistent care for their kids and for sake of public image.

Agree with this. And big law partners (men and women) have more opportunities for affairs because they often travel a lot, and the nature of their business brings them into contact with a wide range of people who might be up for short or long-term affairs -- clients, associates, colleagues/friends/old flames in other cities. And their work is often social (dinners, drinks, and other entertainment) which makes it very easy to conceal extra-marital relationships.

My sense is doctors who cheat are much more likely to do it with staff within their practice or hospital, which can be incredibly convenient, but is a much smaller pool and seems riskier if you really care about not getting caught (not just by your spouse but by colleagues as well, as that kind of workplace affair can be very problematic). And while technically lawyers and doctors both have ethical rules that make relationships with clients/patients a bad idea, the rules for doctors are a much bigger deal. A corporate law partner having an affair with someone in the GC's office at a corporate client would really not be considered a big deal; a surgeon having an affair with a patient would be jeopardize their license to practice.

Now, doctors who teach in med schools, or who are very active on the publishing/speaking circuit? Lots of opportunities to cheat.

I teach in a med school. I've seen none of this.

Reading comprehension. The point was that there are more opportunities to cheat in that setting than a doctor who spending all his time in practice. Not that all doctors who teach in med schools cheat. A doctor who is teaching will interact with a broader range of people and also have a more varied schedule which makes it easier to conceal an affair if you want to have one. A physician who spends every work day in the same practice with the same 20 people will have fewer opportunities to cheat in a way that would be hard to detect.

It's not a matter of reading comprehension and more you just pulling stuff out of your arse because your thumbs got on a roll posting.

Actually it's a matter of asking yourself why the idea that SOME doctors cheat (a fact) is so offensive to you personally.

I’m married to a high earning surgeon. There are actually not that many divorces. The divorces I know of it is usually the wife who cheated and/or left the surgeon husband. When the husband cheats, the wife often stays.

Dh and I are in sync. I know his schedule, which mornings he operates, which days he can drive one kid to school on his way to a branch office. I know what days he operates and which days he sees patients. We have a standing lunch date every week. We text and/talk daily to see when he will be home and most days, he picks up a kid from sports practice or he meets us at a kid’s sports game. DH is home for dinner most nights. It would take time and effort for Dh to hide an affair.

There are some physicians who travel often for consulting and speaking assignments at meetings and conferences. We know a few men who definitely cheat on these trips.

Exactly. The more a person's career takes them away from their family and doing things that can be hard for the spouse to keep track of, the more opportunities to cheat. It's not that everyone in a job like this DOES cheat, just that it's easier to. Whereas your average big law partner likely has more opportunities to cheat because there is more travel and the schedules tend to be more up and down with big cases and clients and there are more ways to conceal an affair or one-night stands and just cover it as a late work night or quick trip to Philly to meet with a client or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1. also, I know two stay at home dads who were shown the door after the kids became teens. Both nice guys and friends of mine. Be forewarned … work on your second career!

I should add: The ladies fit the bill of this post. Both hardcore and top of careers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every doctor or lawyer under age 45 we know is married to another striver doctor, lawyer, consultant, or fed. JDs, MBAs, and MDs go hand in hand. A couple starter marriage divorces (0-3 years married) but over 90% are still together. Cheating definitely happens on both sides because when you both work a lot, you grow closer to colleagues and work associates, since you spend more time with them than with your spouse.

The divorces in this group will come but will happen when they hit 55+, are not as busy, don't have kids left in the house, and realize they don't especially want to do the same things for the rest of their lives.
You'll also start to see the first-time dads who are not interested in that lifestyle shift at 35 or 40.

This. Under 45, these couples are still starting families, plus there's a huge financial component. Being a dual income couple in jobs like this is a big financial boon and right around 40 is when you see how much that financial alliance benefits you. Especially with kids in the picture. At this age, couples like this are so busy and focused on building their careers while also figuring out kid stuff, often with the help of nannies and family and other help, and it's just about managing the family almost like a business, which someone with this kind of job is often comfortable with. The only divorces you see at this stage will be ones where something is super wrong -- serious substance abuse problem, affair where someone fell in love and wants out, massive financial malfeasance. Or big personality disorder, which might accompany one of the forgoing. But most people can muscle through it. Doesn't mean they still love each other or want to be together on the other side when the kids are older and work is in a different phase, and at that point the financial alliance is no longer as critical -- they've made their money, college is paid for, retirement is comfortably padded, they don't need the big house anymore anyway, it's not that hard to divide things up.

It's like a joint venture that lasts 20 years or so and then the partners move on to other things, but with feelings and sex. For a while anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every doctor or lawyer under age 45 we know is married to another striver doctor, lawyer, consultant, or fed. JDs, MBAs, and MDs go hand in hand. A couple starter marriage divorces (0-3 years married) but over 90% are still together. Cheating definitely happens on both sides because when you both work a lot, you grow closer to colleagues and work associates, since you spend more time with them than with your spouse.

The divorces in this group will come but will happen when they hit 55+, are not as busy, don't have kids left in the house, and realize they don't especially want to do the same things for the rest of their lives.
You'll also start to see the first-time dads who are not interested in that lifestyle shift at 35 or 40.

No. There are almost no divorces in medicine or big law --- 10% is the actual number for those professions. At 55 too much to lose financially. Big law partner living large at 55 and can see 65 and retirement with 15-20 million. That would match current lifestyle. Split that in half and 7.5 -10 does not buy you two houses, two country clubs, unlimited spending. Both spouses can see that and if they have issues work through them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every doctor or lawyer under age 45 we know is married to another striver doctor, lawyer, consultant, or fed. JDs, MBAs, and MDs go hand in hand. A couple starter marriage divorces (0-3 years married) but over 90% are still together. Cheating definitely happens on both sides because when you both work a lot, you grow closer to colleagues and work associates, since you spend more time with them than with your spouse.

The divorces in this group will come but will happen when they hit 55+, are not as busy, don't have kids left in the house, and realize they don't especially want to do the same things for the rest of their lives.
You'll also start to see the first-time dads who are not interested in that lifestyle shift at 35 or 40.

No. There are almost no divorces in medicine or big law --- 10% is the actual number for those professions. At 55 too much to lose financially. Big law partner living large at 55 and can see 65 and retirement with 15-20 million. That would match current lifestyle. Split that in half and 7.5 -10 does not buy you two houses, two country clubs, unlimited spending. Both spouses can see that and if they have issues work through them.

Almost no is not the same as no.

The whole point of this thread is that it is somewhat surprising when people in these fields divorce, so the question is why.