Our daughter “married well.” Nobody is happy about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is overbearing and somewhat controlling and her daughter is a compromising and adapting type and she married a dominating man. He wanted to move across the country and that’s what they did the daughter always compromises. OP you reap what you sow. You put all these things expectations and managed her life in childhood and now she has someone else doing it for her. You should have been very careful when you advised her to “marry well.”

Spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

Maybe. They. Don't. Want. You. Raising. These. Kids. You really do need to grapple with that possibility. If my mother considered me a "fairly rootless workaholic" and took something I'd said to her about an (utterly normal and predictable) sexual lull and blasted it all over the internet, I wouldn't want her raising my kids either.

It is remarkable that you are convinced that your daughter not being ecstatically happy right now means that she's not happy with who she married, or how "well" she did. Nothing you have said is convincingly establishing that she herself is "not happy about it." This is not a small difference in word choice. It may be a very profound difference in how you each see her life, and she may just not be having your analysis of it, or wanting that analysis as a day-to-day aspect of her life.

YTA

I can only take her at her word. She married well but I am not happy. My husband is not happy. We miss our daughter and granddaughter. Our granddaughter spends most of the day with $15 a hour strangers. My daughter reveals she is not happy, work stresses her out, and her marriage lacks intimacy. It all begs the question what did marrying well get her? Who is doing “well” in this situation? Things only look “well” on paper (or LinkedIn and facebook). It’s fake. A fractured family for the sake of maintaining appearances on LinkedIn and social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

Maybe. They. Don't. Want. You. Raising. These. Kids. You really do need to grapple with that possibility. If my mother considered me a "fairly rootless workaholic" and took something I'd said to her about an (utterly normal and predictable) sexual lull and blasted it all over the internet, I wouldn't want her raising my kids either.

It is remarkable that you are convinced that your daughter not being ecstatically happy right now means that she's not happy with who she married, or how "well" she did. Nothing you have said is convincingly establishing that she herself is "not happy about it." This is not a small difference in word choice. It may be a very profound difference in how you each see her life, and she may just not be having your analysis of it, or wanting that analysis as a day-to-day aspect of her life.

YTA

I can only take her at her word. She married well but I am not happy. My husband is not happy. We miss our daughter and granddaughter. Our granddaughter spends most of the day with $15 a hour strangers. My daughter reveals she is not happy, work stresses her out, and her marriage lacks intimacy. It all begs the question what did marrying well get her? Who is doing “well” in this situation? Things only look “well” on paper (or LinkedIn and facebook). It’s fake. A fractured family for the sake of maintaining appearances on LinkedIn and social media.

She called you and said "Mom, I'm unhappy that I married Larlo"?

Your and your husband's happiness is not what I am asking about here, to be clear. Your and your husband's happiness is not relevant to a discussion of whether the terms of your daughter's life are good or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

Maybe. They. Don't. Want. You. Raising. These. Kids. You really do need to grapple with that possibility. If my mother considered me a "fairly rootless workaholic" and took something I'd said to her about an (utterly normal and predictable) sexual lull and blasted it all over the internet, I wouldn't want her raising my kids either.

It is remarkable that you are convinced that your daughter not being ecstatically happy right now means that she's not happy with who she married, or how "well" she did. Nothing you have said is convincingly establishing that she herself is "not happy about it." This is not a small difference in word choice. It may be a very profound difference in how you each see her life, and she may just not be having your analysis of it, or wanting that analysis as a day-to-day aspect of her life.

YTA

I can only take her at her word. She married well but I am not happy. My husband is not happy. We miss our daughter and granddaughter. Our granddaughter spends most of the day with $15 a hour strangers. My daughter reveals she is not happy, work stresses her out, and her marriage lacks intimacy. It all begs the question what did marrying well get her? Who is doing “well” in this situation? Things only look “well” on paper (or LinkedIn and facebook). It’s fake. A fractured family for the sake of maintaining appearances on LinkedIn and social media.

If they paid more for the "strangers" would that make you happy? Would $20/hr be sufficient? A live-in nanny? Mary Poppins? Or is is just that you think you'd do a better job raising your grandchildren than you did raising your poor-decision making daughter that fled her parents at the first opportunity?

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine someone talking about their sex life to parents to describe an unhappy marriage.

My husband earns a seven figure income. We don’t move near family either. This is actually a blessing for us. Our nanny/housekeeper is amazing. They may not be as unhappy as you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

Maybe. They. Don't. Want. You. Raising. These. Kids. You really do need to grapple with that possibility. If my mother considered me a "fairly rootless workaholic" and took something I'd said to her about an (utterly normal and predictable) sexual lull and blasted it all over the internet, I wouldn't want her raising my kids either.

It is remarkable that you are convinced that your daughter not being ecstatically happy right now means that she's not happy with who she married, or how "well" she did. Nothing you have said is convincingly establishing that she herself is "not happy about it." This is not a small difference in word choice. It may be a very profound difference in how you each see her life, and she may just not be having your analysis of it, or wanting that analysis as a day-to-day aspect of her life.

YTA

I can only take her at her word. She married well but I am not happy. My husband is not happy. We miss our daughter and granddaughter. Our granddaughter spends most of the day with $15 a hour strangers. My daughter reveals she is not happy, work stresses her out, and her marriage lacks intimacy. It all begs the question what did marrying well get her? Who is doing “well” in this situation? Things only look “well” on paper (or LinkedIn and facebook). It’s fake. A fractured family for the sake of maintaining appearances on LinkedIn and social media.

She called you and said "Mom, I'm unhappy that I married Larlo"?

Your and your husband's happiness is not what I am asking about here, to be clear. Your and your husband's happiness is not relevant to a discussion of whether the terms of your daughter's life are good or not.

She says she is not happy. She is lonely. She misses me too. Her marriage seems to be eroding. Her child is raised by other people. But none of that matters because she married well, her husband married well, and they have nice LinkedIns featuring positions in the best cities with all the right buzzwords and proper career trajectory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your daughter is probably complaining to you because negativity attracts negativity. My mom is the most negative person I know and talking to her can be a chore. So, I unload and complain and then move on. My life is fine but I doubt my mom realizes that.

I’m not a negative person and I’m not negative on the phone with my daughter. I’m just sharing a point of view on here anonymously for those who seek to marry well or have their children marry well.

Why’d you encourage her to “marry well?” Everyone knows marrying well for umc is marrying a professional high earner who is dependent on their income, so they have to go wherever opportunity is to sustain their lifestyle. If you wanted her to stay close you should have told her money doesn’t matter and marry anyone as long as they are willing to live close to you guys.

There isn’t anything inherently wrong with marry well. Marrying well is just marrying a peer with similar credentials, nice career, ambition and value system. Just a warning that it can also come with downside if two kids get wrapped up in a social climbing rat race and miss the forest for the trees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

Maybe. They. Don't. Want. You. Raising. These. Kids. You really do need to grapple with that possibility. If my mother considered me a "fairly rootless workaholic" and took something I'd said to her about an (utterly normal and predictable) sexual lull and blasted it all over the internet, I wouldn't want her raising my kids either.

It is remarkable that you are convinced that your daughter not being ecstatically happy right now means that she's not happy with who she married, or how "well" she did. Nothing you have said is convincingly establishing that she herself is "not happy about it." This is not a small difference in word choice. It may be a very profound difference in how you each see her life, and she may just not be having your analysis of it, or wanting that analysis as a day-to-day aspect of her life.

YTA

I can only take her at her word. She married well but I am not happy. My husband is not happy. We miss our daughter and granddaughter. Our granddaughter spends most of the day with $15 a hour strangers. My daughter reveals she is not happy, work stresses her out, and her marriage lacks intimacy. It all begs the question what did marrying well get her? Who is doing “well” in this situation? Things only look “well” on paper (or LinkedIn and facebook). It’s fake. A fractured family for the sake of maintaining appearances on LinkedIn and social media.

She called you and said "Mom, I'm unhappy that I married Larlo"?

Your and your husband's happiness is not what I am asking about here, to be clear. Your and your husband's happiness is not relevant to a discussion of whether the terms of your daughter's life are good or not.

She says she is not happy. She is lonely. She misses me too. Her marriage seems to be eroding. Her child is raised by other people. But none of that matters because she married well, her husband married well, and they have nice LinkedIns featuring positions in the best cities with all the right buzzwords and proper career trajectory.

Once more, for those who really don't get it: "Marrying Well" has absolutely nothing to do with the choices your daughter made post-marriage. How come you can't see that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

Maybe. They. Don't. Want. You. Raising. These. Kids. You really do need to grapple with that possibility. If my mother considered me a "fairly rootless workaholic" and took something I'd said to her about an (utterly normal and predictable) sexual lull and blasted it all over the internet, I wouldn't want her raising my kids either.

It is remarkable that you are convinced that your daughter not being ecstatically happy right now means that she's not happy with who she married, or how "well" she did. Nothing you have said is convincingly establishing that she herself is "not happy about it." This is not a small difference in word choice. It may be a very profound difference in how you each see her life, and she may just not be having your analysis of it, or wanting that analysis as a day-to-day aspect of her life.

YTA

I can only take her at her word. She married well but I am not happy. My husband is not happy. We miss our daughter and granddaughter. Our granddaughter spends most of the day with $15 a hour strangers. My daughter reveals she is not happy, work stresses her out, and her marriage lacks intimacy. It all begs the question what did marrying well get her? Who is doing “well” in this situation? Things only look “well” on paper (or LinkedIn and facebook). It’s fake. A fractured family for the sake of maintaining appearances on LinkedIn and social media.

She called you and said "Mom, I'm unhappy that I married Larlo"?

Your and your husband's happiness is not what I am asking about here, to be clear. Your and your husband's happiness is not relevant to a discussion of whether the terms of your daughter's life are good or not.

She says she is not happy. She is lonely. She misses me too. Her marriage seems to be eroding. Her child is raised by other people. But none of that matters because she married well, her husband married well, and they have nice LinkedIns featuring positions in the best cities with all the right buzzwords and proper career trajectory.

Ok, there’s no way these increasingly bizarre and repetitive responses are written by a human. But it has been an entertaining way to pass the afternoon.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds crazy, unrelenting and narcissistic. But she’s not wrong about the social media box-ticking and careerism. It can exact a price unless people are really supercharged and lucky. But dcum doesn’t want to hear it.

Not everyone can pull off all the accomplishments and optics AND have a relaxed, happy home. DH and I couldn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

Maybe. They. Don't. Want. You. Raising. These. Kids. You really do need to grapple with that possibility. If my mother considered me a "fairly rootless workaholic" and took something I'd said to her about an (utterly normal and predictable) sexual lull and blasted it all over the internet, I wouldn't want her raising my kids either.

It is remarkable that you are convinced that your daughter not being ecstatically happy right now means that she's not happy with who she married, or how "well" she did. Nothing you have said is convincingly establishing that she herself is "not happy about it." This is not a small difference in word choice. It may be a very profound difference in how you each see her life, and she may just not be having your analysis of it, or wanting that analysis as a day-to-day aspect of her life.

YTA

I can only take her at her word. She married well but I am not happy. My husband is not happy. We miss our daughter and granddaughter. Our granddaughter spends most of the day with $15 a hour strangers. My daughter reveals she is not happy, work stresses her out, and her marriage lacks intimacy. It all begs the question what did marrying well get her? Who is doing “well” in this situation? Things only look “well” on paper (or LinkedIn and facebook). It’s fake. A fractured family for the sake of maintaining appearances on LinkedIn and social media.

If they paid more for the "strangers" would that make you happy? Would $20/hr be sufficient? A live-in nanny? Mary Poppins? Or is is just that you think you'd do a better job raising your grandchildren than you did raising your poor-decision making daughter that fled her parents at the first opportunity?

And OP, when you say "of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up," what do you mean? Do you mean that you would provide all-day childcare, e.g. from 7:30AM to 6PM, five days a week, including enriching activities, making, serving, and cleaning up from all meals, naps, discipline consistent with developmental best practices and your daughter and SIL's specific instructions, no TV/screens? Or do you mean that you would "lend a helping hand" from time to time?

If you wouldn't be available 50+ hours a week for the above, then your grandchild would be "raised by strangers" even as the family lived near you. You know that, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds crazy, unrelenting and narcissistic. But she’s not wrong about the social media box-ticking and careerism. It can exact a price unless people are really supercharged and lucky. But dcum doesn’t want to hear it.

Not everyone can pull off all the accomplishments and optics AND have a relaxed, happy home. DH and I couldn’t.

What happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is overbearing and somewhat controlling and her daughter is a compromising and adapting type and she married a dominating man. He wanted to move across the country and that’s what they did the daughter always compromises. OP you reap what you sow. You put all these things expectations and managed her life in childhood and now she has someone else doing it for her. You should have been very careful when you advised her to “marry well.”

I wouldn't characterize it that way. He is not a dominating man bossing our daughter around. Their geography is a mutual decision. And he’s close with his parents, so it’s not as if he was purposely seeking distance between them either. I just think they’re both so wrapped up these rootless career pursuits and checking all of these status boxes at the expense of their broader extended families, their child, their marital happiness and sex life.

It is so strange to me that you are focused on this. It's none of your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

Maybe. They. Don't. Want. You. Raising. These. Kids. You really do need to grapple with that possibility. If my mother considered me a "fairly rootless workaholic" and took something I'd said to her about an (utterly normal and predictable) sexual lull and blasted it all over the internet, I wouldn't want her raising my kids either.

It is remarkable that you are convinced that your daughter not being ecstatically happy right now means that she's not happy with who she married, or how "well" she did. Nothing you have said is convincingly establishing that she herself is "not happy about it." This is not a small difference in word choice. It may be a very profound difference in how you each see her life, and she may just not be having your analysis of it, or wanting that analysis as a day-to-day aspect of her life.

YTA

I can only take her at her word. She married well but I am not happy. My husband is not happy. We miss our daughter and granddaughter. Our granddaughter spends most of the day with $15 a hour strangers. My daughter reveals she is not happy, work stresses her out, and her marriage lacks intimacy. It all begs the question what did marrying well get her? Who is doing “well” in this situation? Things only look “well” on paper (or LinkedIn and facebook). It’s fake. A fractured family for the sake of maintaining appearances on LinkedIn and social media.

She called you and said "Mom, I'm unhappy that I married Larlo"?

Your and your husband's happiness is not what I am asking about here, to be clear. Your and your husband's happiness is not relevant to a discussion of whether the terms of your daughter's life are good or not.

She says she is not happy. She is lonely. She misses me too. Her marriage seems to be eroding. Her child is raised by other people. But none of that matters because she married well, her husband married well, and they have nice LinkedIns featuring positions in the best cities with all the right buzzwords and proper career trajectory.

Once more, for those who really don't get it: "Marrying Well" has absolutely nothing to do with the choices your daughter made post-marriage. How come you can't see that?

The broader point is marry well can include:
- spouse from a great family
- spouse with great credentials
- spouse with great career
- perfectly curated social media

And it often ALSO includes downsides like:
- caught up in a diminishing return rat race
- living far away from family; isolation
- only seeing your parents a couple times a year
- loneliness and depression
- drinking alone
- non-family paid to raise your kid(s)
- stress
- loss of intimacy
- eroding marriage

I encourage singles and parents reading this who want their kids to marry well to give more mindshare to the unspoken downsides often wedded to marrying well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is overbearing and somewhat controlling and her daughter is a compromising and adapting type and she married a dominating man. He wanted to move across the country and that’s what they did the daughter always compromises. OP you reap what you sow. You put all these things expectations and managed her life in childhood and now she has someone else doing it for her. You should have been very careful when you advised her to “marry well.”

I wouldn't characterize it that way. He is not a dominating man bossing our daughter around. Their geography is a mutual decision. And he’s close with his parents, so it’s not as if he was purposely seeking distance between them either. I just think they’re both so wrapped up these rootless career pursuits and checking all of these status boxes at the expense of their broader extended families, their child, their marital happiness and sex life.

It is so strange to me that you are focused on this. It's none of your business.

Sorry you’re not very close with your parents. Sex life is not some clutch the pearls taboo in our family.