Our daughter “married well.” Nobody is happy about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Marry well” is usually code for “doesn’t have to work” according to DCUM.

I don’t think the OP’s daughter does have to work. She chooses to work to “eke out a few more bucks.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP makes a very valid point. People here are obsessed with the rat race, getting their kids into the best colleges etc.

But what is the prize of all this effort, should it pay off?

A job where you work like a dog, every hour that god sends, to pile up money that you can never enjoy, and to find a partner who can do likewise. You can then live a harrassed, miserable life together, sacrificing everything on the altar of prestige, money and status, and never tasting true happiness.

DH and I married young and worked extremely hard - Ivy League education with all that work, long hours, tiny city apartment, no family help or money beyond education (but still had loans to pay off), cut short vacations, sacrifices. But you know what? It absolutely did pay off, and no in our mid 40s with teens we are starting to really enjoy the fruits of that hard work. Yes, the earlier parenting years without family help were extremely tough but we wouldn’t do it any other way looking back. Who knows why OP’s daughter is making the choices that she did, including living a way from family - but suggesting that she and her husband should cut back just because OP thinks she should isn’t good advice. They should make their own life choices.

[Anonymous]

She thinks the strangers are better than you.

My SIL has an alcoholic Dad and Mom abandoned her. Mom had very weird tics. Well the few years they lived near Grandma the kids started picking up Grandma's tics. It was time to move!

[Anonymous]

Raised by strangers. Give me a break. I would imagine they’ve all become acquainted with each other if the child is in their care. SMH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

[Anonymous]

I’m guessing you are more unhappy about it than she is. If I was balancing career, marriage, and kids and my mom wanted to talk to me every day, often complaining about how far away I lived, that would stress me out too. She may be exaggerating to appease you since you seem obsessed with this. She also may be just stressed like most dual-earning households with young kids.

My parents moved close to me (actually moved to be close to my children, let’s be honest) and it’s more work and more stress for me. I still use after school care, baby sitters, camps, etc. but now I have to constantly manage my mother’s feeling and judgement about how I prioritize my time or live my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

No, they’re strangers to you.

The caregivers at our childrens’ daycare were not strangers to us at all. We knew and trusted them. It certainly wasn’t perfect, but we absolutely knew who was caring for our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who talks to their mom about their sex life?

Either way, let’s bring out the violins. I can’t imagine the pain and suffering of having an UMC income, presumably healthy child, and expected inheritance. What a tragedy.

What an odd thing to seize on. She is my only daughter. We talk about everything. We have always talked every day, even when she was at college she’d call and text me daily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who talks to their mom about their sex life?

Either way, let’s bring out the violins. I can’t imagine the pain and suffering of having an UMC income, presumably healthy child, and expected inheritance. What a tragedy.

What an odd thing to seize on. She is my only daughter. We talk about everything. We have always talked every day, even when she was at college she’d call and text me daily.

NP. You are way too enmeshed in your daughter’s life. No wonder she’s unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Marry well” is usually code for “doesn’t have to work” according to DCUM.

I don’t think the OP’s daughter does have to work. She chooses to work to “eke out a few more bucks.”

Zero chance of that if they don’t have big bucks or early retirement plans — it sounds like they need two incomes to afford decent housing with good schools, college savings, retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who talks to their mom about their sex life?

Either way, let’s bring out the violins. I can’t imagine the pain and suffering of having an UMC income, presumably healthy child, and expected inheritance. What a tragedy.

What an odd thing to seize on. She is my only daughter. We talk about everything. We have always talked every day, even when she was at college she’d call and text me daily.

Ah, you have a codependent relationship, and likely the two of them are trying to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Why are you blaming her husband for their life choices? It sounds like she agrees with them. And she could have married the same guy and made different choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing you are more unhappy about it than she is. If I was balancing career, marriage, and kids and my mom wanted to talk to me every day, often complaining about how far away I lived, that would stress me out too. She may be exaggerating to appease you since you seem obsessed with this. She also may be just stressed like most dual-earning households with young kids.

My parents moved close to me (actually moved to be close to my children, let’s be honest) and it’s more work and more stress for me. I still use after school care, baby sitters, camps, etc. but now I have to constantly manage my mother’s feeling and judgement about how I prioritize my time or live my life.

I don’t “often complain.” Their geography is the result of being status seeking workaholics who believe their specific job titles in a specific city at this point in time gives them [more] status and positions them for the next rung up the ladder they’re chasing. When in fact they could work anywhere and make the same great money near us or near his parents. Whatever the case, they’ve isolated themselves and our grandchild and it just all seems entirely pointless. The broader point for this forum is I know they’re not alone. This is the frequently reality of “marry well.” I’m sharing to peal back the alleged happy and high status patina of “marrying well.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone probably told her she could have it all and that's what she's trying to do. Wonder who that could have been?

Touché.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, if you’d provided a “lower resource” upbringing, she’s probably be more likely to settle closer to home. Why would you give your kids the world if you didn’t want them to get out into it?