Our daughter “married well.” Nobody is happy about it

[Anonymous]

He married well, is he happy?

[Anonymous]

I agree that OP seems like potential troll not least because she hasn’t answered the basic questions:

- Why she doesn’t go for extended periods to visit?
- Why they don’t relocate — yes indeed, there are parents who follow their kids
- Whether she gives DD financial support — front-loading inheritance is 100% the way to go and has the advantage of making the kid feel supported and inclined to trust you to support them in the event of a relocation to be close to you

[Anonymous]

WOW i feel like I am your daughter. Except I didn't marry that 'well' but we both have to grind like crazy. And live far from my parents.

do you actively give them money? My parents net worth is $15-20m but they dont give us anything and we don't expect anything. But as a result, we have to work like crazy bc life is SO EXPENSIVE now. And the only way to keep earning more is to outwork everyone else. It's just way harder than it used to be.

btw yes it sucks. but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP makes a very valid point. People here are obsessed with the rat race, getting their kids into the best colleges etc.

But what is the prize of all this effort, should it pay off?

A job where you work like a dog, every hour that god sends, to pile up money that you can never enjoy, and to find a partner who can do likewise. You can then live a harrassed, miserable life together, sacrificing everything on the altar of prestige, money and status, and never tasting true happiness.

I think you are OP sock puppeting. And the answer to the last paragraph is that OP needs to mind her own business and not judge her daughter and son-in-law

[Anonymous]

This sounds pretty typical for a 30-something couple who both have something like finance/large law firm jobs. It is definitely busy and stressful with a small child. Sometimes it does eventually result in one or both of them taking a somewhat lower paying and lower demand job and/or moving home closer to family. You can for now go visit a lot and drop polite hints that you do not think that would be the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my daughter. She grew up in a happy high-resource household and we still talk every day. She was a great student, spent a long time in college earning degrees from good schools, and has a successful career. As she approached age 30, girlfriends introduced her to a nice boy who also earned a few degrees from good schools and has a great career. They married a couple years later. They had one child a couple years after the wedding.

They could work anywhere and make great money, yet for alleged career reasons choose to live in isolation essentially across the country from us (and nowhere his family either). So we barely see her and our one grandchild is raised by strangers at a local day care and part-time nannies. My daughter and her husband’s happiness is eroding but you wouldn’t know that from looking at her perfectly curated social media. She confesses their sex life has become nearly nonexistent. They are workaholics and make great upper middle class money (note: not a mega millions windfall like you read about from young people involved in a tech IPO or something along those lines where they can afford to retire early).

We will be leaving her a comfortable inheritance and I’m sure his parents will leave him similar, so what is even the point of this rat race? They’re unhappy, we’re unhappy (I’m assuming his parents aren’t happy), and their child is raised by strangers. All for what? To chase another rung of status badges and eke out a few more bucks?

I submit this to this forum because everyone is fixated with dating the “right” caliber of partner to “marry well” and the alleged status and happiness that comes with it. Give more mindshare to what “well” truly means.

OP is seriously onto something.
Her description sounds like my sister 10 years ago.
American culture pushes the idea that one should move away after college and work. So she and her husband did, on the opposite coast in a high cost area. The children's care was outsourced, the parents were way stressed and the marriage could not hold.
I myself would have liked to live near my family but my spouse wouldn't consider it. So my early SAHM years were lonely, penurious and hard in a high cost area. And now I work, still in this high cost area.

There was another thread somewhere where the OP was asked by someone in Europe - why are Americans so obsessed with moving away from family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds pretty typical for a 30-something couple who both have something like finance/large law firm jobs. It is definitely busy and stressful with a small child. Sometimes it does eventually result in one or both of them taking a somewhat lower paying and lower demand job and/or moving home closer to family. You can for now go visit a lot and drop polite hints that you do not think that would be the end of the world.

Yuppy MBAs and JDs never boomerang back home, they need to be in the center of the action and value being in a “tier 1” city. And unless they’re an only child, how is it realistic for their parents to move nearby? If parents made a life in the Midwest and have three adult kids and young grandkids in Boston, DC, and Austin, how do retirees choose which child to live closest to? And grandpas and grandmas tend to retire to warm places like Florida or Arizona, not a cold climate Acela stop where they don’t know anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm thinking the couple lives where they do so that OP can't meddle in their lives any more than she's already doing.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my daughter. She grew up in a happy high-resource household and we still talk every day. She was a great student, spent a long time in college earning degrees from good schools, and has a successful career. As she approached age 30, girlfriends introduced her to a nice boy who also earned a few degrees from good schools and has a great career. They married a couple years later. They had one child a couple years after the wedding.

They could work anywhere and make great money, yet for alleged career reasons choose to live in isolation essentially across the country from us (and nowhere his family either). So we barely see her and our one grandchild is raised by strangers at a local day care and part-time nannies. My daughter and her husband’s happiness is eroding but you wouldn’t know that from looking at her perfectly curated social media. She confesses their sex life has become nearly nonexistent. They are workaholics and make great upper middle class money (note: not a mega millions windfall like you read about from young people involved in a tech IPO or something along those lines where they can afford to retire early).

We will be leaving her a comfortable inheritance and I’m sure his parents will leave him similar, so what is even the point of this rat race? They’re unhappy, we’re unhappy (I’m assuming his parents aren’t happy), and their child is raised by strangers. All for what? To chase another rung of status badges and eke out a few more bucks?

I submit this to this forum because everyone is fixated with dating the “right” caliber of partner to “marry well” and the alleged status and happiness that comes with it. Give more mindshare to what “well” truly means.

Your DD. You raised her to be concerned about the “rat race” to thepoint that she and her husband decided to move cross—country away from any ILs for “no reason”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WOW i feel like I am your daughter. Except I didn't marry that 'well' but we both have to grind like crazy. And live far from my parents.

do you actively give them money? My parents net worth is $15-20m but they dont give us anything and we don't expect anything. But as a result, we have to work like crazy bc life is SO EXPENSIVE now. And the only way to keep earning more is to outwork everyone else. It's just way harder than it used to be.

btw yes it sucks. but it is what it is.

If your parents are really that wealthy and they miss you (and their grandkids, if applicable), they should offer to buy you and your husband a house near them. Or maybe they know that wouldn't be enough to lure you back home.