Our daughter “married well.” Nobody is happy about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my daughter. She grew up in a happy high-resource household and we still talk every day. She was a great student, spent a long time in college earning degrees from good schools, and has a successful career. As she approached age 30, girlfriends introduced her to a nice boy who also earned a few degrees from good schools and has a great career. They married a couple years later. They had one child a couple years after the wedding.

They could work anywhere and make great money, yet for alleged career reasons choose to live in isolation essentially across the country from us (and nowhere his family either). So we barely see her and our one grandchild is raised by strangers at a local day care and part-time nannies. My daughter and her husband’s happiness is eroding but you wouldn’t know that from looking at her perfectly curated social media. She confesses their sex life has become nearly nonexistent. They are workaholics and make great upper middle class money (note: not a mega millions windfall like you read about from young people involved in a tech IPO or something along those lines where they can afford to retire early).

We will be leaving her a comfortable inheritance and I’m sure his parents will leave him similar, so what is even the point of this rat race? They’re unhappy, we’re unhappy (I’m assuming his parents aren’t happy), and their child is raised by strangers. All for what? To chase another rung of status badges and eke out a few more bucks?

I submit this to this forum because everyone is fixated with dating the “right” caliber of partner to “marry well” and the alleged status and happiness that comes with it. Give more mindshare to what “well” truly means.

Stop blaming. She also shouldn't be talking to her parents about her sex life. I would be furious if my spouse did that, get a therapist! Have you talked to them at all? Are you able to visit them and watch the kid so they can go on a date night or go away for a few days? And go multiple times a year? Or rent an AirBNB for a long period of time to help and see your grandchild (if they want)?

I say this as someone who is happily married with one child, who lives away from both sides. My spouse and I have looked at careers where my in laws live and where my family lives. Where my in laws live there aren't great jobs for our professions and salaries are low, but COL in the towns/city we would want to live are expensive. My family, live in a VERY HCOL area. My spouse had a job offer, but the salary was less than he makes now for a higher level job with more hours and more responsibilities! We could never buy a home by my family (we own a home now) unless we commuted and lived far out. We don't want that. We can walk or bike to work and school, have friends and wish our families would visit more.

My in laws are retired and wealthy, but only visit for a couple times a year and each time no more than 4 days. We visit them multiple times a year but stay longer (weeks in summer, breaks, etc). I wish they would stay longer by us since using up our limited vacation time to visit both families is a lot. When we travel we always invite them, but they decline. My mom still works FT (she is younger) but she still only visits us MAYBE once a year for a long weekend. We again go visit multiple times a year and she gets upset if we don't visit her enough.

This rant is to say, maybe you should go stay there for awhile and help out. Don't complain. Don't judge. Don't make comments. Just offer to watch your grandchild so they can go to a movie, or dinner out, or away for a week. Something. My childhood best friend's parents live across the country and every year they go visit for 2 weeks and the mom and dad go away for 10 days (!) while the mom's parents watch the kids. My friend went to Paris last year and the year before they went to Bali! I would recommend staying at an AirBNB if you are there for awhile though.

Also, unless you are mega rich you don't know what will be left for an inheritance. My husbands grandparents on both sides lived into their 90s and 100s. My grandmother is still alive and in her 90s. All that cost money. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see why they moved away.

+1

My ILs could have written big chunks of OP's responses. We live on the other coast from them, they see their grandchildren twice a year, our kids have been cared for by a combination of daycare and nannies. We have been very happy with both, and both types of care have respected our parenting decisions and guidelines/rules in a way that grandparents would never. FIL is always saying DH could 'work from anywhere' and sending him links to random boutique local-to-FIL law firms outside of his practice area, while he's at a top major firm. It's delusional. I had an opportunity closer to my ILs and my DH shut it down immediately because he couldn't handle how overbearing and boundary-crossing they are and likes the distance, but they have no idea.

OP sounds codependent and narcissistic.

This. We could have moved closer to my family, but COL was more. I shut it down. My husband was head hunted for a role and I said no way. We would have moved and my family would have still seem my child the same # of times they see him now and that would have broke me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is overbearing and somewhat controlling and her daughter is a compromising and adapting type and she married a dominating man. He wanted to move across the country and that’s what they did the daughter always compromises. OP you reap what you sow. You put all these things expectations and managed her life in childhood and now she has someone else doing it for her. You should have been very careful when you advised her to “marry well.”

I wouldn't characterize it that way. He is not a dominating man bossing our daughter around. Their geography is a mutual decision. And he’s close with his parents, so it’s not as if he was purposely seeking distance between them either. I just think they’re both so wrapped up these rootless career pursuits and checking all of these status boxes at the expense of their broader extended families, their child, their marital happiness and sex life.

It is so strange to me that you are focused on this. It's none of your business.

Sorry you’re not very close with your parents. Sex life is not some clutch the pearls taboo in our family.

I doubt her husband shares your view.

[Anonymous]

I don't believe a word of it. Not that it couldn't happen but it just reeks of one of our trolls who likes to make up detailed scenarios that will get the most DCUMers agitated and worked up. This one is a winner!

So it's not the actual story, it's the way she wrote it and the way she's responding. Not real...she's having some fun with you folks.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

Maybe. They. Don't. Want. You. Raising. These. Kids. You really do need to grapple with that possibility. If my mother considered me a "fairly rootless workaholic" and took something I'd said to her about an (utterly normal and predictable) sexual lull and blasted it all over the internet, I wouldn't want her raising my kids either.

It is remarkable that you are convinced that your daughter not being ecstatically happy right now means that she's not happy with who she married, or how "well" she did. Nothing you have said is convincingly establishing that she herself is "not happy about it." This is not a small difference in word choice. It may be a very profound difference in how you each see her life, and she may just not be having your analysis of it, or wanting that analysis as a day-to-day aspect of her life.

YTA

I can only take her at her word. She married well but I am not happy. My husband is not happy. We miss our daughter and granddaughter. Our granddaughter spends most of the day with $15 a hour strangers. My daughter reveals she is not happy, work stresses her out, and her marriage lacks intimacy. It all begs the question what did marrying well get her? Who is doing “well” in this situation? Things only look “well” on paper (or LinkedIn and facebook). It’s fake. A fractured family for the sake of maintaining appearances on LinkedIn and social media.

She called you and said "Mom, I'm unhappy that I married Larlo"?

Your and your husband's happiness is not what I am asking about here, to be clear. Your and your husband's happiness is not relevant to a discussion of whether the terms of your daughter's life are good or not.

She says she is not happy. She is lonely. She misses me too. Her marriage seems to be eroding. Her child is raised by other people. But none of that matters because she married well, her husband married well, and they have nice LinkedIns featuring positions in the best cities with all the right buzzwords and proper career trajectory.

Once more, for those who really don't get it: "Marrying Well" has absolutely nothing to do with the choices your daughter made post-marriage. How come you can't see that?

The broader point is marry well can include:
- spouse from a great family
- spouse with great credentials
- spouse with great career
- perfectly curated social media

And it often ALSO includes downsides like:
- caught up in a diminishing return rat race
- living far away from family; isolation
- only seeing your parents a couple times a year
- loneliness and depression
- drinking alone
- non-family paid to raise your kid(s)
- stress
- loss of intimacy
- eroding marriage

I encourage singles and parents reading this who want their kids to marry well to give more mindshare to the unspoken downsides often wedded to marrying well.

That list isn’t exclusive to marrying well. All those things can happen when someone marries poorly too. It’s all part of the risks of getting married and building a family. “Marrying well” isn’t a vaccine against life’s challenges.

And marriage is a long and winding road. This season won’t look like the next, and challenging years don’t define a marriage either. Not every couple weathers the hard times and being close to family can be a support, but it can also be its own minefield.

If you’re worried about your daughter and her family, go support them. You say you have plenty of money so go rent a place and help for a set period of time. Let them have a date night, do fun things with your granddaughter, and keep your opinions to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm thinking the couple lives where they do so that OP can't meddle in their lives any more than she's already doing.

Sadly, this is probably true even though OP may be a perfectly nice person and good mom.

I am guessing OP did not live near her parents or her husband’s parents either and didn’t think it through or consider that this would happen to her as well.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t read whole thread.


OP it’s financially irresponsible for the couple to factor possible inheritance into decision making unless they have the money now or at least have assurance about it (e.g., a dedicated trust separate from $$ for your medical care).

They don’t know how much you have. They don’t know if it will all need to be spent on end of life care or if you will live to 100 and they won’t see a penny until after retirement age.

If you want this to be generational wealth that ends up impacting life choices you need to rethink your strategy. If you don’t want to actually cut them in on the $$ now, don’t knock them for going after their own.

[Anonymous]

Op, ask your daughter to do more chores around the house. That should improve her sex life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds crazy, unrelenting and narcissistic. But she’s not wrong about the social media box-ticking and careerism. It can exact a price unless people are really supercharged and lucky. But dcum doesn’t want to hear it.

Not everyone can pull off all the accomplishments and optics AND have a relaxed, happy home. DH and I couldn’t.

Makes me recollect an Orwell line in The Road To Wigan Pier about upper middle class strivers "clinging like glue to their miserable fragments of social prestige."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You taught her this, she’s living what you expected and now you’re complaining.

You’re the problem, it’s you.

Not necessarily. Just raise your kids in a pretentious social climbing town like Bethesda.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents bought a second home near me and live here 6 months of the year. Why haven't you done similarly? You're retired.

Do you live in a sun belt state ex. Florida?

[Anonymous]

This has nothing to do with her "marrying well" and everything to do with her wanting to get away from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You taught her this, she’s living what you expected and now you’re complaining.

You’re the problem, it’s you.

This. 100% this.

[Anonymous]

Why are you so enmeshed with her? Why is she telling you about her sex life? Why are you still linking your happiness to your adult daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm thinking the couple lives where they do so that OP can't meddle in their lives any more than she's already doing.

+1