Our daughter “married well.” Nobody is happy about it

[Anonymous]

I see why they moved away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

Maybe. They. Don't. Want. You. Raising. These. Kids. You really do need to grapple with that possibility. If my mother considered me a "fairly rootless workaholic" and took something I'd said to her about an (utterly normal and predictable) sexual lull and blasted it all over the internet, I wouldn't want her raising my kids either.

It is remarkable that you are convinced that your daughter not being ecstatically happy right now means that she's not happy with who she married, or how "well" she did. Nothing you have said is convincingly establishing that she herself is "not happy about it." This is not a small difference in word choice. It may be a very profound difference in how you each see her life, and she may just not be having your analysis of it, or wanting that analysis as a day-to-day aspect of her life.

YTA

I can only take her at her word. She married well but I am not happy. My husband is not happy. We miss our daughter and granddaughter. Our granddaughter spends most of the day with $15 a hour strangers. My daughter reveals she is not happy, work stresses her out, and her marriage lacks intimacy. It all begs the question what did marrying well get her? Who is doing “well” in this situation? Things only look “well” on paper (or LinkedIn and facebook). It’s fake. A fractured family for the sake of maintaining appearances on LinkedIn and social media.

She called you and said "Mom, I'm unhappy that I married Larlo"?

Your and your husband's happiness is not what I am asking about here, to be clear. Your and your husband's happiness is not relevant to a discussion of whether the terms of your daughter's life are good or not.

She says she is not happy. She is lonely. She misses me too. Her marriage seems to be eroding. Her child is raised by other people. But none of that matters because she married well, her husband married well, and they have nice LinkedIns featuring positions in the best cities with all the right buzzwords and proper career trajectory.

She did what you wanted her to do and "married well" OP.

What if she has found a really loving mechanic with no college degrees living near you to marry? What would you have said then? I can just imagine.

She did what you wanted and this is the result OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

Maybe. They. Don't. Want. You. Raising. These. Kids. You really do need to grapple with that possibility. If my mother considered me a "fairly rootless workaholic" and took something I'd said to her about an (utterly normal and predictable) sexual lull and blasted it all over the internet, I wouldn't want her raising my kids either.

It is remarkable that you are convinced that your daughter not being ecstatically happy right now means that she's not happy with who she married, or how "well" she did. Nothing you have said is convincingly establishing that she herself is "not happy about it." This is not a small difference in word choice. It may be a very profound difference in how you each see her life, and she may just not be having your analysis of it, or wanting that analysis as a day-to-day aspect of her life.

YTA

I can only take her at her word. She married well but I am not happy. My husband is not happy. We miss our daughter and granddaughter. Our granddaughter spends most of the day with $15 a hour strangers. My daughter reveals she is not happy, work stresses her out, and her marriage lacks intimacy. It all begs the question what did marrying well get her? Who is doing “well” in this situation? Things only look “well” on paper (or LinkedIn and facebook). It’s fake. A fractured family for the sake of maintaining appearances on LinkedIn and social media.

She called you and said "Mom, I'm unhappy that I married Larlo"?

Your and your husband's happiness is not what I am asking about here, to be clear. Your and your husband's happiness is not relevant to a discussion of whether the terms of your daughter's life are good or not.

She says she is not happy. She is lonely. She misses me too. Her marriage seems to be eroding. Her child is raised by other people. But none of that matters because she married well, her husband married well, and they have nice LinkedIns featuring positions in the best cities with all the right buzzwords and proper career trajectory.

So the answer is no, she does not say "I'm unhappy that I married Larlo."

Instead, she has complaints about things that most humans of her educational and social background and current economic condition have complaints about. We don't get enough time with friends, we miss people we don't live near, our marriages--especially when raising the youngest children--aren't perfect. She has child care, and maybe child care is imperfect. (You seem a lot more upset about her child care than she does, though; you haven't even tried to claim that she is unhappy that her kids go to day care.)

If "none of that matters" to her, then it's a lot less bad than you're making it out to be. And frankly that is very easy to imagine, because you sound like a catastrophist.

Focus on how you will make yourself happy via some means other than trying to convince other people to do things they don't want to do. It's a lot easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

Maybe. They. Don't. Want. You. Raising. These. Kids. You really do need to grapple with that possibility. If my mother considered me a "fairly rootless workaholic" and took something I'd said to her about an (utterly normal and predictable) sexual lull and blasted it all over the internet, I wouldn't want her raising my kids either.

It is remarkable that you are convinced that your daughter not being ecstatically happy right now means that she's not happy with who she married, or how "well" she did. Nothing you have said is convincingly establishing that she herself is "not happy about it." This is not a small difference in word choice. It may be a very profound difference in how you each see her life, and she may just not be having your analysis of it, or wanting that analysis as a day-to-day aspect of her life.

YTA

I can only take her at her word. She married well but I am not happy. My husband is not happy. We miss our daughter and granddaughter. Our granddaughter spends most of the day with $15 a hour strangers. My daughter reveals she is not happy, work stresses her out, and her marriage lacks intimacy. It all begs the question what did marrying well get her? Who is doing “well” in this situation? Things only look “well” on paper (or LinkedIn and facebook). It’s fake. A fractured family for the sake of maintaining appearances on LinkedIn and social media.

She called you and said "Mom, I'm unhappy that I married Larlo"?

Your and your husband's happiness is not what I am asking about here, to be clear. Your and your husband's happiness is not relevant to a discussion of whether the terms of your daughter's life are good or not.

She says she is not happy. She is lonely. She misses me too. Her marriage seems to be eroding. Her child is raised by other people. But none of that matters because she married well, her husband married well, and they have nice LinkedIns featuring positions in the best cities with all the right buzzwords and proper career trajectory.

Once more, for those who really don't get it: "Marrying Well" has absolutely nothing to do with the choices your daughter made post-marriage. How come you can't see that?

The broader point is marry well can include:
- spouse from a great family
- spouse with great credentials
- spouse with great career
- perfectly curated social media

And it often ALSO includes downsides like:
- caught up in a diminishing return rat race
- living far away from family; isolation
- only seeing your parents a couple times a year
- loneliness and depression
- drinking alone
- non-family paid to raise your kid(s)
- stress
- loss of intimacy
- eroding marriage

I encourage singles and parents reading this who want their kids to marry well to give more mindshare to the unspoken downsides often wedded to marrying well.

Not that PP but agree - the downsides are NOT about marrying well! I don’t even understand how you are putting these things together in any way. Marrying well has the downside of “loss of intimacy” and “eroding marriage”??? That doesn’t even make any sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

No, they’re strangers to you.

The caregivers at our childrens’ daycare were not strangers to us at all. We knew and trusted them. It certainly wasn’t perfect, but we absolutely knew who was caring for our kids.

We can agree to disagree. And you can rationalize it however you’d like. It is paying large sums of money to lower class strangers to raise your child(ren) instead of you and/or grandparents, i.e. family, raising them. All so you could net more HHI and/or live far away from your parents.

Can't imagine why your daughter doesn't prioritize living close to you.

[Anonymous]

Money doesn't buy happiness.

Duh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

Maybe. They. Don't. Want. You. Raising. These. Kids. You really do need to grapple with that possibility. If my mother considered me a "fairly rootless workaholic" and took something I'd said to her about an (utterly normal and predictable) sexual lull and blasted it all over the internet, I wouldn't want her raising my kids either.

It is remarkable that you are convinced that your daughter not being ecstatically happy right now means that she's not happy with who she married, or how "well" she did. Nothing you have said is convincingly establishing that she herself is "not happy about it." This is not a small difference in word choice. It may be a very profound difference in how you each see her life, and she may just not be having your analysis of it, or wanting that analysis as a day-to-day aspect of her life.

YTA

I can only take her at her word. She married well but I am not happy. My husband is not happy. We miss our daughter and granddaughter. Our granddaughter spends most of the day with $15 a hour strangers. My daughter reveals she is not happy, work stresses her out, and her marriage lacks intimacy. It all begs the question what did marrying well get her? Who is doing “well” in this situation? Things only look “well” on paper (or LinkedIn and facebook). It’s fake. A fractured family for the sake of maintaining appearances on LinkedIn and social media.

She called you and said "Mom, I'm unhappy that I married Larlo"?

Your and your husband's happiness is not what I am asking about here, to be clear. Your and your husband's happiness is not relevant to a discussion of whether the terms of your daughter's life are good or not.

She says she is not happy. She is lonely. She misses me too. Her marriage seems to be eroding. Her child is raised by other people. But none of that matters because she married well, her husband married well, and they have nice LinkedIns featuring positions in the best cities with all the right buzzwords and proper career trajectory.

So the answer is no, she does not say "I'm unhappy that I married Larlo."

Instead, she has complaints about things that most humans of her educational and social background and current economic condition have complaints about. We don't get enough time with friends, we miss people we don't live near, our marriages--especially when raising the youngest children--aren't perfect. She has child care, and maybe child care is imperfect. (You seem a lot more upset about her child care than she does, though; you haven't even tried to claim that she is unhappy that her kids go to day care.)

If "none of that matters" to her, then it's a lot less bad than you're making it out to be. And frankly that is very easy to imagine, because you sound like a catastrophist.

Focus on how you will make yourself happy via some means other than trying to convince other people to do things they don't want to do. It's a lot easier.

‘None of that matters’ was sarcastic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my daughter. She grew up in a happy high-resource household and we still talk every day. She was a great student, spent a long time in college earning degrees from good schools, and has a successful career. As she approached age 30, girlfriends introduced her to a nice boy who also earned a few degrees from good schools and has a great career. They married a couple years later. They had one child a couple years after the wedding.

They could work anywhere and make great money, yet for alleged career reasons choose to live in isolation essentially across the country from us (and nowhere his family either). So we barely see her and our one grandchild is raised by strangers at a local day care and part-time nannies. My daughter and her husband’s happiness is eroding but you wouldn’t know that from looking at her perfectly curated social media. She confesses their sex life has become nearly nonexistent. They are workaholics and make great upper middle class money (note: not a mega millions windfall like you read about from young people involved in a tech IPO or something along those lines where they can afford to retire early).

We will be leaving her a comfortable inheritance and I’m sure his parents will leave him similar, so what is even the point of this rat race? They’re unhappy, we’re unhappy (I’m assuming his parents aren’t happy), and their child is raised by strangers. All for what? To chase another rung of status badges and eke out a few more bucks?

I submit this to this forum because everyone is fixated with dating the “right” caliber of partner to “marry well” and the alleged status and happiness that comes with it. Give more mindshare to what “well” truly means.

Humans unintentionally find ways to sabotage their own happiness and wellbeing. Everyone is envious of other people's outside and compares it with their own inside and feels unhappy and unsatisfied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see why they moved away.

+1

My ILs could have written big chunks of OP's responses. We live on the other coast from them, they see their grandchildren twice a year, our kids have been cared for by a combination of daycare and nannies. We have been very happy with both, and both types of care have respected our parenting decisions and guidelines/rules in a way that grandparents would never. FIL is always saying DH could 'work from anywhere' and sending him links to random boutique local-to-FIL law firms outside of his practice area, while he's at a top major firm. It's delusional. I had an opportunity closer to my ILs and my DH shut it down immediately because he couldn't handle how overbearing and boundary-crossing they are and likes the distance, but they have no idea.

OP sounds codependent and narcissistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

Maybe. They. Don't. Want. You. Raising. These. Kids. You really do need to grapple with that possibility. If my mother considered me a "fairly rootless workaholic" and took something I'd said to her about an (utterly normal and predictable) sexual lull and blasted it all over the internet, I wouldn't want her raising my kids either.

It is remarkable that you are convinced that your daughter not being ecstatically happy right now means that she's not happy with who she married, or how "well" she did. Nothing you have said is convincingly establishing that she herself is "not happy about it." This is not a small difference in word choice. It may be a very profound difference in how you each see her life, and she may just not be having your analysis of it, or wanting that analysis as a day-to-day aspect of her life.

YTA

I can only take her at her word. She married well but I am not happy. My husband is not happy. We miss our daughter and granddaughter. Our granddaughter spends most of the day with $15 a hour strangers. My daughter reveals she is not happy, work stresses her out, and her marriage lacks intimacy. It all begs the question what did marrying well get her? Who is doing “well” in this situation? Things only look “well” on paper (or LinkedIn and facebook). It’s fake. A fractured family for the sake of maintaining appearances on LinkedIn and social media.

She called you and said "Mom, I'm unhappy that I married Larlo"?

Your and your husband's happiness is not what I am asking about here, to be clear. Your and your husband's happiness is not relevant to a discussion of whether the terms of your daughter's life are good or not.

She says she is not happy. She is lonely. She misses me too. Her marriage seems to be eroding. Her child is raised by other people. But none of that matters because she married well, her husband married well, and they have nice LinkedIns featuring positions in the best cities with all the right buzzwords and proper career trajectory.

Once more, for those who really don't get it: "Marrying Well" has absolutely nothing to do with the choices your daughter made post-marriage. How come you can't see that?

The broader point is marry well can include:
- spouse from a great family
- spouse with great credentials
- spouse with great career
- perfectly curated social media

And it often ALSO includes downsides like:
- caught up in a diminishing return rat race
- living far away from family; isolation
- only seeing your parents a couple times a year
- loneliness and depression
- drinking alone
- non-family paid to raise your kid(s)
- stress
- loss of intimacy
- eroding marriage

I encourage singles and parents reading this who want their kids to marry well to give more mindshare to the unspoken downsides often wedded to marrying well.

Not that PP but agree - the downsides are NOT about marrying well! I don’t even understand how you are putting these things together in any way. Marrying well has the downside of “loss of intimacy” and “eroding marriage”??? That doesn’t even make any sense.

Two married workaholics in high-stress careers, with paid strangers raising the kid, and isolated from extended family may sound blissful to people estranged from their families, but it’s not a recipe for authentic happiness to those who grew up happy and value togetherness.

[Anonymous]

Success and prestige is the alter on which we sacrifice balance of our lives to impress other and feel better and worthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

Maybe. They. Don't. Want. You. Raising. These. Kids. You really do need to grapple with that possibility. If my mother considered me a "fairly rootless workaholic" and took something I'd said to her about an (utterly normal and predictable) sexual lull and blasted it all over the internet, I wouldn't want her raising my kids either.

It is remarkable that you are convinced that your daughter not being ecstatically happy right now means that she's not happy with who she married, or how "well" she did. Nothing you have said is convincingly establishing that she herself is "not happy about it." This is not a small difference in word choice. It may be a very profound difference in how you each see her life, and she may just not be having your analysis of it, or wanting that analysis as a day-to-day aspect of her life.

YTA

I can only take her at her word. She married well but I am not happy. My husband is not happy. We miss our daughter and granddaughter. Our granddaughter spends most of the day with $15 a hour strangers. My daughter reveals she is not happy, work stresses her out, and her marriage lacks intimacy. It all begs the question what did marrying well get her? Who is doing “well” in this situation? Things only look “well” on paper (or LinkedIn and facebook). It’s fake. A fractured family for the sake of maintaining appearances on LinkedIn and social media.

She called you and said "Mom, I'm unhappy that I married Larlo"?

Your and your husband's happiness is not what I am asking about here, to be clear. Your and your husband's happiness is not relevant to a discussion of whether the terms of your daughter's life are good or not.

She says she is not happy. She is lonely. She misses me too. Her marriage seems to be eroding. Her child is raised by other people. But none of that matters because she married well, her husband married well, and they have nice LinkedIns featuring positions in the best cities with all the right buzzwords and proper career trajectory.

Once more, for those who really don't get it: "Marrying Well" has absolutely nothing to do with the choices your daughter made post-marriage. How come you can't see that?

The broader point is marry well can include:
- spouse from a great family
- spouse with great credentials
- spouse with great career
- perfectly curated social media

And it often ALSO includes downsides like:
- caught up in a diminishing return rat race
- living far away from family; isolation
- only seeing your parents a couple times a year
- loneliness and depression
- drinking alone
- non-family paid to raise your kid(s)
- stress
- loss of intimacy
- eroding marriage

I encourage singles and parents reading this who want their kids to marry well to give more mindshare to the unspoken downsides often wedded to marrying well.

Not that PP but agree - the downsides are NOT about marrying well! I don’t even understand how you are putting these things together in any way. Marrying well has the downside of “loss of intimacy” and “eroding marriage”??? That doesn’t even make any sense.

Two married workaholics in high-stress careers, with paid strangers raising the kid, and isolated from extended family may sound blissful to people estranged from their families, but it’s not a recipe for authentic happiness to those who grew up happy and value togetherness.

Well you’ve instilled poor values in your daughter OP. What else can we say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

Maybe. They. Don't. Want. You. Raising. These. Kids. You really do need to grapple with that possibility. If my mother considered me a "fairly rootless workaholic" and took something I'd said to her about an (utterly normal and predictable) sexual lull and blasted it all over the internet, I wouldn't want her raising my kids either.

It is remarkable that you are convinced that your daughter not being ecstatically happy right now means that she's not happy with who she married, or how "well" she did. Nothing you have said is convincingly establishing that she herself is "not happy about it." This is not a small difference in word choice. It may be a very profound difference in how you each see her life, and she may just not be having your analysis of it, or wanting that analysis as a day-to-day aspect of her life.

YTA

I can only take her at her word. She married well but I am not happy. My husband is not happy. We miss our daughter and granddaughter. Our granddaughter spends most of the day with $15 a hour strangers. My daughter reveals she is not happy, work stresses her out, and her marriage lacks intimacy. It all begs the question what did marrying well get her? Who is doing “well” in this situation? Things only look “well” on paper (or LinkedIn and facebook). It’s fake. A fractured family for the sake of maintaining appearances on LinkedIn and social media.

She called you and said "Mom, I'm unhappy that I married Larlo"?

Your and your husband's happiness is not what I am asking about here, to be clear. Your and your husband's happiness is not relevant to a discussion of whether the terms of your daughter's life are good or not.

She says she is not happy. She is lonely. She misses me too. Her marriage seems to be eroding. Her child is raised by other people. But none of that matters because she married well, her husband married well, and they have nice LinkedIns featuring positions in the best cities with all the right buzzwords and proper career trajectory.

Once more, for those who really don't get it: "Marrying Well" has absolutely nothing to do with the choices your daughter made post-marriage. How come you can't see that?

The broader point is marry well can include:
- spouse from a great family
- spouse with great credentials
- spouse with great career
- perfectly curated social media

And it often ALSO includes downsides like:
- caught up in a diminishing return rat race
- living far away from family; isolation
- only seeing your parents a couple times a year
- loneliness and depression
- drinking alone
- non-family paid to raise your kid(s)
- stress
- loss of intimacy
- eroding marriage

I encourage singles and parents reading this who want their kids to marry well to give more mindshare to the unspoken downsides often wedded to marrying well.

Not that PP but agree - the downsides are NOT about marrying well! I don’t even understand how you are putting these things together in any way. Marrying well has the downside of “loss of intimacy” and “eroding marriage”??? That doesn’t even make any sense.

Two married workaholics in high-stress careers, with paid strangers raising the kid, and isolated from extended family may sound blissful to people estranged from their families, but it’s not a recipe for authentic happiness to those who grew up happy and value togetherness.

It's too bad OP's daughter was not taught that and instead taught to be a striver and to "marry well." She did what she was trained to do OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is so much judgement here. Her kid is being raised by strangers? They're workaholics? Their social media is misleading? And why on earth do you know anything about their sex life? If I was them I'd also live as far away from you as possible.

Look, it's hard to raise little kids with two growing careers and in an expensive area. I'm sure their lives are dominated by unreasonable work demands, flaky childcare, daycare plagues and kid sleep issues, just like the rest of us. They're under a lot of pressure. Instead of judging them, how about keep telling them you love them and ask how you can help support them?

Nothing you said sounds like a partner issue, but a couple dealing with life in this era.

You articulated all my thoughts while reading that. I don't fault op for her perspective but she is way off with her assessment of their happiness (or the possibility of it existing outside of her presence). I hope I am never pulling such guilt trips on my kids. They are happy, let them live.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

Maybe. They. Don't. Want. You. Raising. These. Kids. You really do need to grapple with that possibility. If my mother considered me a "fairly rootless workaholic" and took something I'd said to her about an (utterly normal and predictable) sexual lull and blasted it all over the internet, I wouldn't want her raising my kids either.

It is remarkable that you are convinced that your daughter not being ecstatically happy right now means that she's not happy with who she married, or how "well" she did. Nothing you have said is convincingly establishing that she herself is "not happy about it." This is not a small difference in word choice. It may be a very profound difference in how you each see her life, and she may just not be having your analysis of it, or wanting that analysis as a day-to-day aspect of her life.

YTA

I can only take her at her word. She married well but I am not happy. My husband is not happy. We miss our daughter and granddaughter. Our granddaughter spends most of the day with $15 a hour strangers. My daughter reveals she is not happy, work stresses her out, and her marriage lacks intimacy. It all begs the question what did marrying well get her? Who is doing “well” in this situation? Things only look “well” on paper (or LinkedIn and facebook). It’s fake. A fractured family for the sake of maintaining appearances on LinkedIn and social media.

She called you and said "Mom, I'm unhappy that I married Larlo"?

Your and your husband's happiness is not what I am asking about here, to be clear. Your and your husband's happiness is not relevant to a discussion of whether the terms of your daughter's life are good or not.

She says she is not happy. She is lonely. She misses me too. Her marriage seems to be eroding. Her child is raised by other people. But none of that matters because she married well, her husband married well, and they have nice LinkedIns featuring positions in the best cities with all the right buzzwords and proper career trajectory.

Once more, for those who really don't get it: "Marrying Well" has absolutely nothing to do with the choices your daughter made post-marriage. How come you can't see that?

The broader point is marry well can include:
- spouse from a great family
- spouse with great credentials
- spouse with great career
- perfectly curated social media

And it often ALSO includes downsides like:
- caught up in a diminishing return rat race
- living far away from family; isolation
- only seeing your parents a couple times a year
- loneliness and depression
- drinking alone
- non-family paid to raise your kid(s)
- stress
- loss of intimacy
- eroding marriage

I encourage singles and parents reading this who want their kids to marry well to give more mindshare to the unspoken downsides often wedded to marrying well.

Not that PP but agree - the downsides are NOT about marrying well! I don’t even understand how you are putting these things together in any way. Marrying well has the downside of “loss of intimacy” and “eroding marriage”??? That doesn’t even make any sense.

Two married workaholics in high-stress careers, with paid strangers raising the kid, and isolated from extended family may sound blissful to people estranged from their families, but it’s not a recipe for authentic happiness to those who grew up happy and value togetherness.

Two people who enjoy their careers, prefer to hire a nanny or use reputable daycares to staying at home, and choose to live where they want, even if it means apart from their parents…can both miss their moms and even enjoy talking to her daily - yet prefer not to make any changes to their lifestyle.

And again, none of this has anything to do with “marrying well.”