Our daughter “married well.” Nobody is happy about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. You make great points, OP.

2. But people find identity and fulfillment in their career. Your daughter and son-in-law probably have professional ambitions and aspirations and they're working towards that, putting sweat equity to move up the ladder. Respect that choice.

3. I suppose they have reasons to live where they do. Maybe they like the nature there, or appreciate being far away from everything. Or maybe it's easier for work.

4. Kids raised by strangers. Yes, that happens 99% of the time. Daycare, school, college. Kids are nearly all raised by strangers, but education still begins at home.

5. No life situation automatically guarantees happiness. They're probably at a stressful stage in their life, with work and kids. It's probably going to come to fruition later.

6. You're far apart from each other, like many upper-class families who prioritize wealth-building and making the most out of every opportunity. Maybe you can visit more often, if they allow it!

I suspect this is all easy to rationalize until elderly parents get sick or abruptly die and you realize that was it. And/or God forbid one of the careerists gets sick from cancer and nobody is there to help. Or a divorce puts things into perspective. Life is short and precious. Value your family over another rung up the ladder or another passport stamp.

OP, do you have any interest in engaging to learn other perspectives? Or are you just here to insist that you are right, that your daughter and SIL are wrong, that everyone should structure their lives as you see it?

As a senior professional "careerist," I was able to take ample time away from the office when my mother got sick, knowing that work would be there when I was ready to return. If I divorced, my pay would keep my children and me safe and stable. (It's much rockier for SAHMs post-divorce.)

Life is indeed short and precious, I agree.

I agree, I get some narcissistic vibes from OP's posts. OP should try to be more supportive of her daughter and learn to stop controlling people. I can't imagine talking to someone every day that disapproves of my life choices. I used to have a friend whose mother would call every day, and even though the friend was polite on the phone, she hated the calls and mostly answered out of guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

No, they’re strangers to you.

The caregivers at our childrens’ daycare were not strangers to us at all. We knew and trusted them. It certainly wasn’t perfect, but we absolutely knew who was caring for our kids.

We can agree to disagree. And you can rationalize it however you’d like. It is paying large sums of money to lower class strangers to raise your child(ren) instead of you and/or grandparents, i.e. family, raising them. All so you could net more HHI and/or live far away from your parents.

People are tip-toing to the a--hole of an OP. The OP rings of a narcissistic, boomer parent in an unhealthy, codependent relationship with their child. Your DD and SIL have made the conscious decision to move away from you and it's not difficult to see why. You seem to be overly involved in their life (probably disregarding any attempts at boundaries) and you're also a disgusting elitist. Figure out how you can adjust your expectations and relationship with your DD and her husband before the distance expands and you lose your relationship with your grandchild to estrangement while they enjoy their lives with "lower classes".

+1

DP. I love my mother and can take her in small doses. But she is elitist and I can only take so much. At least she supports my choice to work and send my child to daycare. OP sounds like a piece of work.

[Anonymous]

When our kids were young we lived on the west coast and our parents on the east coast. We both worked long hours and we had a nanny. There was no social media so I couldn’t market a happy life but we had one. We’d see our parents once a year, sometimes twice. If my mother wrote what OP wrote I’d think she was delusional and in need of therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your daughter is probably complaining to you because negativity attracts negativity. My mom is the most negative person I know and talking to her can be a chore. So, I unload and complain and then move on. My life is fine but I doubt my mom realizes that.

+1000. And OP remembers and focuses on every negative comment because OP is deeply unhappy with her own life. Happy people don't come on anonymous parenting forums to bash their adult child and partner's life choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another reason to live in Europe. Daycares start much later, are staffed by secure professionals who don’t have a gun to their head to be there, and countries are small enough that you’re never that far from family.

You can't just move to Europe pp. Europe has problems too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who uses the archaic term "married well" to describe another woman is envious and misogynistic. Anyone who is talking to their adult child every day and knows about their sex life has an unhealthy enmeshment with that child. Anyone who talks about how their grandchildren are being raised by strangers with daycare and part-time nannies is probably a DCUM troll.

This ^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have verbalized that her child is being raised by strangers, I would guess that her decision to move far away from you was not an accident. You don’t sound very nice and I doubt she wants to live near you! And even if she did, how on earth would that improve her sex life??

This!

My MIL made comments when I put my kid in daycare and then again when I hired a FT nanny. I just made me realize we were totally different people and she never wanted to see eye-to-eye. She always made sexist comments too and followed them up with ‘that’s just the way things are’. She also never offered to help with the kid either. Living in a different country to her made my life a lot easier.

If you truly care about your daughter’s happiness, then ask her how you can be helpful and LISTEN to her response.

I also agree with PP that you could move closer to her. AND the PP who mentioned that she is doing what you raised her to do and now you are not happy about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

This has nothing to do with marrying. She is your only daugher who talks to you daily yet she chose to move away and have a family far away. Prioritizing career over closeness to her family. Its a choice. Something in your parenting may have contributed to this. I am an only child/daughter. I have a non easy relationship with my mother and certainly did not snd do not talk to her everyday. But we live 20 min apart and she sees the grandkids weekly and adores them and i am happy to give my kids the gift of time with a loving grandparent. If we moved to CA, my parents would pick up and move to within an hour of us, no question. And i had nannies and daycare for my kids as i wouldn't want my parents to provide any official childcare. Too complicated.

Only daughter is not the same as only child (you). And it’s very difficult for aging working parents to move and find lateral career options, while credentialed young professionals can begin careers anywhere and job hop at the drop of a dime.

[Anonymous]

I think you probably don’t know as much about your daughter’s life as you think you do.

“They could work anywhere” sounds like something my mom would say, which couldn’t be further from the truth. It become apparent in recent years that my parents, as well intentioned as they are, don’t even begin to comprehend the complexities of modern parenting and work life balance. I won’t get into it because I’m not going to successfully teach it here but it has a lot to do with the Internet, cost of living, inflation, shifting societal norms, and stuff like that.

Also your language implies that you might still view your daughter as part of your family unit. “We”, “no one,” etc…. She’s not. You have two different families now. You can still be quite close but the shift needs to happen mentally.

If you’re all so close and you’re so resourced you need to move near them. And then do it again in 5 years. Or at least talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your daughter is probably complaining to you because negativity attracts negativity. My mom is the most negative person I know and talking to her can be a chore. So, I unload and complain and then move on. My life is fine but I doubt my mom realizes that.

I’m not a negative person and I’m not negative on the phone with my daughter. I’m just sharing a point of view on here anonymously for those who seek to marry well or have their children marry well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is overbearing and somewhat controlling and her daughter is a compromising and adapting type and she married a dominating man. He wanted to move across the country and that’s what they did the daughter always compromises. OP you reap what you sow. You put all these things expectations and managed her life in childhood and now she has someone else doing it for her. You should have been very careful when you advised her to “marry well.”

I wouldn't characterize it that way. He is not a dominating man bossing our daughter around. Their geography is a mutual decision. And he’s close with his parents, so it’s not as if he was purposely seeking distance between them either. I just think they’re both so wrapped up these rootless career pursuits and checking all of these status boxes at the expense of their broader extended families, their child, their marital happiness and sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

Maybe. They. Don't. Want. You. Raising. These. Kids. You really do need to grapple with that possibility. If my mother considered me a "fairly rootless workaholic" and took something I'd said to her about an (utterly normal and predictable) sexual lull and blasted it all over the internet, I wouldn't want her raising my kids either.

It is remarkable that you are convinced that your daughter not being ecstatically happy right now means that she's not happy with who she married, or how "well" she did. Nothing you have said is convincingly establishing that she herself is "not happy about it." This is not a small difference in word choice. It may be a very profound difference in how you each see her life, and she may just not be having your analysis of it, or wanting that analysis as a day-to-day aspect of her life.

YTA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

No, they’re strangers to you.

The caregivers at our childrens’ daycare were not strangers to us at all. We knew and trusted them. It certainly wasn’t perfect, but we absolutely knew who was caring for our kids.

We can agree to disagree. And you can rationalize it however you’d like. It is paying large sums of money to lower class strangers to raise your child(ren) instead of you and/or grandparents, i.e. family, raising them. All so you could net more HHI and/or live far away from your parents.

We didn't see our children's caregivers this way, because this is a terribly elitist way to think about people who were such an integral part of our lives. (Our caregivers weren't "friends," but it raises another question for me--do you really have no friends who are not "lower class"? Very odd.)

And no, it's not "all so you could net more HHI." For example, in our case was also so our kids would not be raised by our parents, with whom we had very profound and non-negotiable differences about how that raising was to be done.

I suspect these differences exist in your family as well, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your daughter is probably complaining to you because negativity attracts negativity. My mom is the most negative person I know and talking to her can be a chore. So, I unload and complain and then move on. My life is fine but I doubt my mom realizes that.

I’m not a negative person and I’m not negative on the phone with my daughter. I’m just sharing a point of view on here anonymously for those who seek to marry well or have their children marry well.

Why’d you encourage her to “marry well?” Everyone knows marrying well for umc is marrying a professional high earner who is dependent on their income, so they have to go wherever opportunity is to sustain their lifestyle. If you wanted her to stay close you should have told her money doesn’t matter and marry anyone as long as they are willing to live close to you guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you’d provided a “lower resource” upbringing, she’s probably be more likely to settle closer to home. Why would you give your kids the world if you didn’t want them to get out into it?

Interesting point.

So true