Our daughter “married well.” Nobody is happy about it

[Anonymous]

This has nothing to do with "marrying well." Our entire society is transient. Lots of people have children who move far away for career reasons, and most families need to rely on some kind of childcare.

[Anonymous]

We have three kids who know they are going to inherit a good amount of money someday. But they are working hard to make it on their own because that’s what we did and that’s how they were raised. Two of the families are dual incomes HHs with day care, nannies and all the stresses that come with it. That was our lives when they were young. Our mothers didn’t work and I’m sure they thought we were crazy but we were well educated and had ambition the same as our children. I’m clueless about their sex lives but they all seem very happy. We are lucky in that half of the year we live near all of them so we can really see what their lives are like. That may be OPs problem. She doesn’t believe they have the life they project and that it’s all just a fake front. It’s OPs problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing you are more unhappy about it than she is. If I was balancing career, marriage, and kids and my mom wanted to talk to me every day, often complaining about how far away I lived, that would stress me out too. She may be exaggerating to appease you since you seem obsessed with this. She also may be just stressed like most dual-earning households with young kids.

My parents moved close to me (actually moved to be close to my children, let’s be honest) and it’s more work and more stress for me. I still use after school care, baby sitters, camps, etc. but now I have to constantly manage my mother’s feeling and judgement about how I prioritize my time or live my life.

I don’t “often complain.” Their geography is the result of being status seeking workaholics who believe their specific job titles in a specific city at this point in time gives them [more] status and positions them for the next rung up the ladder they’re chasing. When in fact they could work anywhere and make the same great money near us or near his parents. Whatever the case, they’ve isolated themselves and our grandchild and it just all seems entirely pointless. The broader point for this forum is I know they’re not alone. This is the frequently reality of “marry well.” I’m sharing to peal back the alleged happy and high status patina of “marrying well.”

Chosing to live far from you has nothing to do with "marrying well." Your logic doesn't make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you move out to be near your grandchild, OP? What are you doing that’s so important?

OP you forgot to answer this question in the very first reply to your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

Why’d you encourage her to get married then? And demand that she over extend herself studying, getting good grades, and generally being high achieving? You wanted her to do and have it all and now you’re realizing all those umc lifestyle traps are handcuffs. If you’re actually a troll, good job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you move out to be near your grandchild, OP? What are you doing that’s so important?

OP you forgot to answer this question in the very first reply to your post.

She answered further down:

“Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you’d provided a “lower resource” upbringing, she’s probably be more likely to settle closer to home. Why would you give your kids the world if you didn’t want them to get out into it?

Interesting point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing you are more unhappy about it than she is. If I was balancing career, marriage, and kids and my mom wanted to talk to me every day, often complaining about how far away I lived, that would stress me out too. She may be exaggerating to appease you since you seem obsessed with this. She also may be just stressed like most dual-earning households with young kids.

My parents moved close to me (actually moved to be close to my children, let’s be honest) and it’s more work and more stress for me. I still use after school care, baby sitters, camps, etc. but now I have to constantly manage my mother’s feeling and judgement about how I prioritize my time or live my life.

I don’t “often complain.” Their geography is the result of being status seeking workaholics who believe their specific job titles in a specific city at this point in time gives them [more] status and positions them for the next rung up the ladder they’re chasing. When in fact they could work anywhere and make the same great money near us or near his parents. Whatever the case, they’ve isolated themselves and our grandchild and it just all seems entirely pointless. The broader point for this forum is I know they’re not alone. This is the frequently reality of “marry well.” I’m sharing to peal back the alleged happy and high status patina of “marrying well.”

This isn’t about marrying well it’s about their decision to prioritize their careers in a way that you disparage (by calling them “workaholics”). If she didn’t want to do this, she wouldn’t - she isn’t a victim of her life choices but the architect of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Marry well” is usually code for “doesn’t have to work” according to DCUM.

I don’t think the OP’s daughter does have to work. She chooses to work to “eke out a few more bucks.”

My mom would probably say this about me, but really she's just out of touch about what it takes today to afford the same kind of lifestyle she was able to have on one income (my dad's).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you’d provided a “lower resource” upbringing, she’s probably be more likely to settle closer to home. Why would you give your kids the world if you didn’t want them to get out into it?

Interesting point.

How do you figure? Lower resources would result in feeling even more anxiety and drive to make money and be successful and go wherever the best opportunities were. It would be a luxury to stay closer to home, more resources means more choices.

[Anonymous]

My parents moved near to me and it was a game changer. Move!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you move out to be near your grandchild, OP? What are you doing that’s so important?

OP you forgot to answer this question in the very first reply to your post.

She answered further down:

“Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.”

Well, then, how lucky it would be for her grandchildren to have stable grandparents to rely on bouncing around with them over the next 18 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

No, they’re strangers to you.

The caregivers at our childrens’ daycare were not strangers to us at all. We knew and trusted them. It certainly wasn’t perfect, but we absolutely knew who was caring for our kids.

We can agree to disagree. And you can rationalize it however you’d like. It is paying large sums of money to lower class strangers to raise your child(ren) instead of you and/or grandparents, i.e. family, raising them. All so you could net more HHI and/or live far away from your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents moved near to me and it was a game changer. Move!

If the daughter seriously talks to mom every single day on the phone, and has been for years, I would think she’d be comfortable enough asking her to do so if that’s what she really wanted. Not everyone wants their parents that close.

[Anonymous]

My parents bought a second home near me and live here 6 months of the year. Why haven't you done similarly? You're retired.