Our daughter “married well.” Nobody is happy about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you so enmeshed with her? Why is she telling you about her sex life? Why are you still linking your happiness to your adult daughter?

I have the same questions.

Couples deserve privacy and it feels invasive to be discussing your daughters sex life with her, if I was her DH this would feel like a breech of trust and privacy.

Also, I don’t really understand what your ideal would be regarding work…are you upset she isn’t a sahm? Do you want them to both work but you want to provide F/T childcare? Really…?

Could it be that they are happy with the life they are building but are also going through a notoriously stressful and busy stage in parenting (2 working parents with small kids not yet in school)?

Let her work on building her life and try to enjoy your own life. It sounds like your daughter is busy with work and little kids right now, she’s an adult and you should trust her to make her own decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You taught her this, she’s living what you expected and now you’re complaining.

You’re the problem, it’s you.

This. 100% this.

Parents have no control over a child after they leave for college at 17 or 18. I think it’s just the ethos of selective striver colleges and striver grad school programs and yuppy striver neighborhoods, plus a boost from social media. There is so much pressure to conform and become an excellent sheep, happiness be damned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You taught her this, she’s living what you expected and now you’re complaining.

You’re the problem, it’s you.

This. 100% this.

Parents have no control over a child after they leave for college at 17 or 18. I think it’s just the ethos of selective striver colleges and striver grad school programs and yuppy striver neighborhoods, plus a boost from social media. There is so much pressure to conform and become an excellent sheep, happiness be damned.

Women with ambition are “excellent sheep.” You are an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you’d be happy to provide full time day care following all the parenting requirements your daughter and son in law have if they moved near you? You’d give only the foods they approve, take the kid to all the activities they want, follow their screen limits, toy rules, etc?

Are you kidding, of course I would happily provide any day care duties. Just as my parents and my husband’s parents were always nearby and there for me when our children were growing up. It’s not just day care or providing a helping hand, it’s proximity to be there and watch them grow up. It’s painful to be so far away and know strangers are raising a grandchild. I keep using “strangers” because that is what is happening. I am not anti day care, I am underscoring how un-well “marrying well” turned out to be.

Another user asked why don’t we move near them: Because they are fairly rootless workaholics and go where their careers take them. They will likely bounce around and job hop for the next 30 years.

No, they’re strangers to you.

The caregivers at our childrens’ daycare were not strangers to us at all. We knew and trusted them. It certainly wasn’t perfect, but we absolutely knew who was caring for our kids.

We can agree to disagree. And you can rationalize it however you’d like. It is paying large sums of money to lower class strangers to raise your child(ren) instead of you and/or grandparents, i.e. family, raising them. All so you could net more HHI and/or live far away from your parents.

Maybe some people are ok living away from their parents so they don’t end up with Marie Bsrone waltzing through their front door every single day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You taught her this, she’s living what you expected and now you’re complaining.

You’re the problem, it’s you.

This. 100% this.

Parents have no control over a child after they leave for college at 17 or 18. I think it’s just the ethos of selective striver colleges and striver grad school programs and yuppy striver neighborhoods, plus a boost from social media. There is so much pressure to conform and become an excellent sheep, happiness be damned.

The values that you instilled in your kids influence the decisions they will make beyond the age of 18. If you constantly commented on neighbors' new car, bigger house, more lavish vacation, your kids will pick it up.

[Anonymous]

It is the selective college, social and work environments. It is like this in every competitive city from DC to Seattle. Even if they were not raised in a shallow household, they will get caught up in the striver rat race once they steep in it from age 18 to 30 plus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You taught her this, she’s living what you expected and now you’re complaining.

You’re the problem, it’s you.

This. 100% this.

Parents have no control over a child after they leave for college at 17 or 18. I think it’s just the ethos of selective striver colleges and striver grad school programs and yuppy striver neighborhoods, plus a boost from social media. There is so much pressure to conform and become an excellent sheep, happiness be damned.

Women with ambition are “excellent sheep.” You are an idiot.

Excellent Sheep by former Yale professor Bill Deresiewicz is a best-selling book critiquing themes in this thread.

[Anonymous]

OP I could be your daughter. I’m in DC in a high paying medical specialty and raising a daughter. I’m a single mom, to boot. I would give anything to have my parents nearby. I love them. But they will not, not ever, move here (too expensive, too stressful, which I understand). The only choice they’ve given me is for me to move back home with my daughter in tow to their Midwest city. I’ve considered it, but I’d have to leave my job, find another, pull DD out of school (now in 6th grade), etc. I want nothing more than to have more family in our lives. But it’s their way or the highway, and they’re both retired. They won’t talk about a condo here 1/2 of the year, or extended stays, etc. It’s…very one-sided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I could be your daughter. I’m in DC in a high paying medical specialty and raising a daughter. I’m a single mom, to boot. I would give anything to have my parents nearby. I love them. But they will not, not ever, move here (too expensive, too stressful, which I understand). The only choice they’ve given me is for me to move back home with my daughter in tow to their Midwest city. I’ve considered it, but I’d have to leave my job, find another, pull DD out of school (now in 6th grade), etc. I want nothing more than to have more family in our lives. But it’s their way or the highway, and they’re both retired. They won’t talk about a condo here 1/2 of the year, or extended stays, etc. It’s…very one-sided.

District's weather isn't good enough to retire to and of course they'd be isolated since they'd lack friends or family outside of you (and DC is already a chilly place with regard to making new friends). Maybe you consider warmer and hot job markets in NC, SC, GA or FL, where they are more likely to enjoy the weather in their advanced age, know and meet far more retirees, and you can still make great money. There is no greater joy to grandparents than seeing a grandchild grow up. It keeps elders happier and healthier, too, which I'm sure you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I could be your daughter. I’m in DC in a high paying medical specialty and raising a daughter. I’m a single mom, to boot. I would give anything to have my parents nearby. I love them. But they will not, not ever, move here (too expensive, too stressful, which I understand). The only choice they’ve given me is for me to move back home with my daughter in tow to their Midwest city. I’ve considered it, but I’d have to leave my job, find another, pull DD out of school (now in 6th grade), etc. I want nothing more than to have more family in our lives. But it’s their way or the highway, and they’re both retired. They won’t talk about a condo here 1/2 of the year, or extended stays, etc. It’s…very one-sided.

Do you mind sharing what you're spending annually on child care in Washington for one tween child, as a successful single mother with no family or spouse to help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I could be your daughter. I’m in DC in a high paying medical specialty and raising a daughter. I’m a single mom, to boot. I would give anything to have my parents nearby. I love them. But they will not, not ever, move here (too expensive, too stressful, which I understand). The only choice they’ve given me is for me to move back home with my daughter in tow to their Midwest city. I’ve considered it, but I’d have to leave my job, find another, pull DD out of school (now in 6th grade), etc. I want nothing more than to have more family in our lives. But it’s their way or the highway, and they’re both retired. They won’t talk about a condo here 1/2 of the year, or extended stays, etc. It’s…very one-sided.

Do you mind sharing what you're spending annually on child care in Washington for one tween child, as a successful single mother with no family or spouse to help?

Sure. My hours are odd and sometimes include overnights, currently it’s anywhere from 2-3K/mo for DD’s nanny. I was fortunate to find a lovely middle-aged mom whose kids are grown and is able to drive. As DD gets older she may need more of a college student type, but I prefer older women as they tend to be more reliable. Many of my peers have au pairs but it isn’t my preference to have someone else living with us. Above all I note how much of the economy is possible based on women’s labor and that my career is the same. I make sure to treat our nanny with respect and warmth, pay her as well as I can, and thank her regularly.

To the poster above who pointed out the merits of living elsewhere, I agree. DC isn’t ideal, but we’re rooted here now, and my parents are rooted there. Still I question these choices and miss them.

[Anonymous]

I am from a small town a few hundred miles away from DC. The people from my high school who still live there, and have their parents taking care of their kids, are mostly not the people who went to 4-year colleges (with the exception of a couple teachers, and a couple folks who work in the same architecture firm). The people who stuck around generally either have jobs you can find anywhere like teacher, nurse, trades, or service industries. It's a super LCOL area where you can still buy a house for under 100k, or a NICE house for 2-300k.

The people who prioritized education and a wider range of career options, well, mostly we all left. We didn't prioritize having a reliable job you could find in our small town and start by 21 if not sooner. We weren't thinking at age 18 that we wanted grandma day care, nor did our parents encourage us to.

My point, I guess, is that it's not just about marrying well, it's about what you teach kids about their lives and ambitions. Did you want your kid to plan around living near you forever, OP? Because that doesn't look like great schools, great career, great husband, in mu experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I could be your daughter. I’m in DC in a high paying medical specialty and raising a daughter. I’m a single mom, to boot. I would give anything to have my parents nearby. I love them. But they will not, not ever, move here (too expensive, too stressful, which I understand). The only choice they’ve given me is for me to move back home with my daughter in tow to their Midwest city. I’ve considered it, but I’d have to leave my job, find another, pull DD out of school (now in 6th grade), etc. I want nothing more than to have more family in our lives. But it’s their way or the highway, and they’re both retired. They won’t talk about a condo here 1/2 of the year, or extended stays, etc. It’s…very one-sided.

Same. In addition, mine specifically hope I would move from abundant public transit to their actual cul de sac from which I would have to drive literally everywhere. (They don’t want me to live in their house—they want me to buy a separate house in the cul de sac.) NO thank you.

[Anonymous]

Or she could have married badly and still live far away and suffer.
People don’t realize the importance of living close to their family, that’s all. Has little to do with marrying well or not so well.
It’s a smart thing to do to incentivize your college age child to stay/move closer to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You taught her this, she’s living what you expected and now you’re complaining.

You’re the problem, it’s you.

Nope. Kids really do stuff that might even be the polar opposite of a parent's values. This is probably a great example.