DW doesn’t understand how a sexless marriage effects me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

While you are figuring out the chemical formula your job is to drain the cortisol out of your world, once the stress is gone and she begins to associate you with joy, achievement, closeness and all the other good feelings her attitude towards you will begin to change and libido will follow shortly behind. You must never ask for it, never pester her again, don’t ever get mopey around her[.]

You might be right for a lot of cases. But, it's incredibly tough to trust that this will actually pay dividends. Because, in the moment, working toward this feels like you're her dancing monkey that she will continue to take for granted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

While you are figuring out the chemical formula your job is to drain the cortisol out of your world, once the stress is gone and she begins to associate you with joy, achievement, closeness and all the other good feelings her attitude towards you will begin to change and libido will follow shortly behind. You must never ask for it, never pester her again, don’t ever get mopey around her[.]

You might be right for a lot of cases. But, it's incredibly tough to trust that this will actually pay dividends. Because, in the moment, working toward this feels like you're her dancing monkey that she will continue to take for granted.

NP. If you are doing it *just* to get sex and not to build a good relationship and make her happy, of course you'll feel like a dancing monkey. Because that's how you're acting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

While you are figuring out the chemical formula your job is to drain the cortisol out of your world, once the stress is gone and she begins to associate you with joy, achievement, closeness and all the other good feelings her attitude towards you will begin to change and libido will follow shortly behind. You must never ask for it, never pester her again, don’t ever get mopey around her[.]

You might be right for a lot of cases. But, it's incredibly tough to trust that this will actually pay dividends. Because, in the moment, working toward this feels like you're her dancing monkey that she will continue to take for granted.

I am a firm believer in what once was can be again and what was once good can be great; that is the only thing that has kept me going on this path. Of course there are backslides but the leaps forward leave them in the dust.

Using possible failure and frustration as an excuse to not try will get you nothing. Nothing good comes to men that wait; the businesses, inventions and advancements that we all take for granted are the direct result of someone working towards their ideal and many times betting their entire existence for its realization. Sometimes you gotta go all in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

While you are figuring out the chemical formula your job is to drain the cortisol out of your world, once the stress is gone and she begins to associate you with joy, achievement, closeness and all the other good feelings her attitude towards you will begin to change and libido will follow shortly behind. You must never ask for it, never pester her again, don’t ever get mopey around her[.]

You might be right for a lot of cases. But, it's incredibly tough to trust that this will actually pay dividends. Because, in the moment, working toward this feels like you're her dancing monkey that she will continue to take for granted.

I am a firm believer in what once was can be again and what was once good can be great; that is the only thing that has kept me going on this path. Of course there are backslides but the leaps forward leave them in the dust.

Using possible failure and frustration as an excuse to not try will get you nothing. Nothing good comes to men that wait; the businesses, inventions and advancements that we all take for granted are the direct result of someone working towards their ideal and many times betting their entire existence for its realization. Sometimes you gotta go all in.

But, per the previous poster, in this case you can't go all-in to try to re-ignite your sex life if re-igniting your sex life is one of your goals. The only way to have sex is not to want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

While you are figuring out the chemical formula your job is to drain the cortisol out of your world, once the stress is gone and she begins to associate you with joy, achievement, closeness and all the other good feelings her attitude towards you will begin to change and libido will follow shortly behind. You must never ask for it, never pester her again, don’t ever get mopey around her[.]

You might be right for a lot of cases. But, it's incredibly tough to trust that this will actually pay dividends. Because, in the moment, working toward this feels like you're her dancing monkey that she will continue to take for granted.

I am a firm believer in what once was can be again and what was once good can be great; that is the only thing that has kept me going on this path. Of course there are backslides but the leaps forward leave them in the dust.

Using possible failure and frustration as an excuse to not try will get you nothing. Nothing good comes to men that wait; the businesses, inventions and advancements that we all take for granted are the direct result of someone working towards their ideal and many times betting their entire existence for its realization. Sometimes you gotta go all in.

But, per the previous poster, in this case you can't go all-in to try to re-ignite your sex life if re-igniting your sex life is one of your goals. The only way to have sex is not to want it.

Need to think the other way around, he must become f&@kable first before she’ll want to f¥@k him.

He must conduct himself as the best possible version of himself in thought, word and deed first and then the rest will follow. He doesn’t know it but he’s in a rut and he will stay in a sexless passionless rut until he changes himself. Seeing improvements in his relationship and some warmth coming from his wife will motivate him to continue to get his act together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

While you are figuring out the chemical formula your job is to drain the cortisol out of your world, once the stress is gone and she begins to associate you with joy, achievement, closeness and all the other good feelings her attitude towards you will begin to change and libido will follow shortly behind. You must never ask for it, never pester her again, don’t ever get mopey around her[.]

You might be right for a lot of cases. But, it's incredibly tough to trust that this will actually pay dividends. Because, in the moment, working toward this feels like you're her dancing monkey that she will continue to take for granted.

I am a firm believer in what once was can be again and what was once good can be great; that is the only thing that has kept me going on this path. Of course there are backslides but the leaps forward leave them in the dust.

Using possible failure and frustration as an excuse to not try will get you nothing. Nothing good comes to men that wait; the businesses, inventions and advancements that we all take for granted are the direct result of someone working towards their ideal and many times betting their entire existence for its realization. Sometimes you gotta go all in.

But, per the previous poster, in this case you can't go all-in to try to re-ignite your sex life if re-igniting your sex life is one of your goals. The only way to have sex is not to want it.

So you don't want to find out how your spouse might become happier, like taking her on adventures, going to the gym with her if she needs some dopamine, or becoming a world of love and support unless you're *guaranteed* sex in return?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gaining weight is a sometimes stress symptom
It happens to women too.

My ex spouse gained and then lost 50 lbs. Really, he looks great now. He took up running and yoga.
He has a girlfriend. I am still bewildered but it happens. I ‘ve seen it. I had drive and fitness. But I was insufferable at times.

S*x and intimacy became an issue when we lost the emotional bond. Guys know when you don’t respect them anyone. They sense it. It kills off the desire for sure. It’s all hard work (and I would say mostly in your head/attitude).

+1 the libido for women is in the brain, not between her legs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Birth control destroyed my libido too! It's a side effect that really should be talked about at the doctor's office, because I had no idea my pill was the cause of our problems. I only realized when I went off it, 10 years later!

Separately from that, I think you two would benefit from counseling, and maybe sex therapy, because maybe what you were doing before isn't working for her, so she has no incentive to try again. She has to figure out if there's anything that might impede her enjoyment: too much stress, too much work, outside and in the home, medical issues, etc... and what you can both do to alleviate her burden. It's hard to get in the mood when there's a running list in your head of a million things to do!

You would be entirely within your rights to tell her you want to open up the marriage. But seeking someone else doesn't necessarily mean you'll find someone else, and I understand it doesn't feel "right".

np If you do that than there is no marriage. What happened to the phrase "forsake all others" "in good times and bad?" Op maybe you version of sex isn't great. Do you understand what she wants?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she doesn't think it's important because the sex isn't that great for her, so she doesn't miss it?

Keep telling yourself that. Enjoy your cats.

? Dh and I had sex the other night. He's not that great in bed, but he tries, and he makes sure I go first. Our lives are much less stressful than it used to be, and we have a better emotional connection, so we still have s3x (we are in our 50s).

But years ago, when kids were little, we weren't as emotionally close. We argued a lot. Since he isn't that great in bed to begin with, and we didn't have an emotional connection, I didn't miss the s3x with him. I just took care of myself. I still take care of myself a lot. I love DH, but my O with him is just meh.

I guess my post hit a nerve with you. Enjoy your s3xless life.

-pp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

While you are figuring out the chemical formula your job is to drain the cortisol out of your world, once the stress is gone and she begins to associate you with joy, achievement, closeness and all the other good feelings her attitude towards you will begin to change and libido will follow shortly behind. You must never ask for it, never pester her again, don’t ever get mopey around her[.]

You might be right for a lot of cases. But, it's incredibly tough to trust that this will actually pay dividends. Because, in the moment, working toward this feels like you're her dancing monkey that she will continue to take for granted.

I am a firm believer in what once was can be again and what was once good can be great; that is the only thing that has kept me going on this path. Of course there are backslides but the leaps forward leave them in the dust.

Using possible failure and frustration as an excuse to not try will get you nothing. Nothing good comes to men that wait; the businesses, inventions and advancements that we all take for granted are the direct result of someone working towards their ideal and many times betting their entire existence for its realization. Sometimes you gotta go all in.

But, per the previous poster, in this case you can't go all-in to try to re-ignite your sex life if re-igniting your sex life is one of your goals. The only way to have sex is not to want it.

So you don't want to find out how your spouse might become happier, like taking her on adventures, going to the gym with her if she needs some dopamine, or becoming a world of love and support unless you're *guaranteed* sex in return?

This kind of advice varies, but it's usually structured as advice that, if you're doing things because you want sex, your wife won't react to those actions positively. There's a big gap between doing things because you're motivated to one degree or another by sex on the one end; and only doing them if you're *guaranteed* sex on the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gaining weight is a sometimes stress symptom
It happens to women too.

My ex spouse gained and then lost 50 lbs. Really, he looks great now. He took up running and yoga.
He has a girlfriend. I am still bewildered but it happens. I ‘ve seen it. I had drive and fitness. But I was insufferable at times.

S*x and intimacy became an issue when we lost the emotional bond. Guys know when you don’t respect them anyone. They sense it. It kills off the desire for sure. It’s all hard work (and I would say mostly in your head/attitude).

+1 the libido for women is in the brain, not between her legs.

Respectfully, bullshit. Plenty of women are jumping into bed with guys because they're horny. Not because of some kind of emotional bond. In fact, many women have *less* sex with guys once the emotional bond of a long-term relationship is established than they had when that bond was barely formed. I can't point to double-blind studies, so maybe my anecdata is flawed; but it seems to me that hormones and new relationship energy have a lot more to do with sexual desire than deep emotional bonds.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

The soldier knows why he isn't having sex, and it's not because someone doesn't love him anymore. Same with the spouse of an ill person. You know that it's not a reflection of their attraction to you, your worth as a person, their selfishness, or their indifference. OP has no such assurances.

There is so much to upack with you I don't know where to start... but I'll start here.

So you agree, it's all in his head. If he was in a different situation then he would be fine. So it's not really the lack of sex making him depressed. A therapist can help him unpack why he is really depresses.

Perhaps he's depressed because he (like you ) think sex = love and he feels unloved, even though that is not the case. Again, therapy can help with that.

Oh come on. There was a woman who posted yesterday saying that she felt unloved because her husband wouldn’t get on board with a *kitchen renovation,* and I (and many other posters) completely empathized with her feelings.

If people can feel unloved when their spouse rejects their ideas on home remodeling, then how much worse is it when their spouse rejects sex?

She needs therapy if $ = live.

Same with every crazy person who agreed with her,

What do you mean by $ = live?

Both of these people want to feel loved and understood by their spouse.

Love*

Both are using the wrong thing to gauge love, sex or $

If you use these 2 things to gauge love, get help

Well, OP literally said that he is upset that he isnt understood, so it isn’t only sex.

If love isn’t understanding another person, providing physical affection, or spending your time/money on someone, then what is it?

How do you show people you love them, pp?

Nope.

Here is the deal if you don’t understand that life is not sex and money you need deep intense therapy, not a 1 sentence explanation on a website.

I know how I love other people. I hug my kids, cuddle and have sex with my husband, talk to them about their feelings and try to understand their problems, do nice things for them that I think will make them happy.

If you don’t do any of these things for people you love because touch, empathy, and money do not equal love, then what do you do?

If 1 is missing you don’t stop loving them. Your kids will move out and you won’t hug them but you will still love them.

I know that a lot of people had crappy childhoods, but this isn’t true.
If you tell your mom that you need a hug, and she won’t hug you, and then you tell her about something you are sad about, and she won’t try to understand, then she doesn’t love you.
She may have had her own crappy childhood and not be able to bond with people in that way, and that’s sad and it’s not her fault or your fault, but that isn’t what love is.

You cannot be a loving mother, spouse, friend, or anything if you cannot touch someone or empathize with them.

NP here.

I think one of the biggest problems with the sex conversation is that people cannot distinguish between sexual physical affection and nonsexual physical affection. Sexual physical rejection is very hurtful, but having no nonsexual physical affection ever can actually be psychologically damaging. Also, giving someone a hug is just not the level of physical giving as having sex. When someone doesn't want to have sex with their partner, it is often not a personal rejection, even if it feels that way. I know that when I didn't want to have sex with my partner I still wnted to be around them and hug them. I wouldnt' have felt that way if I was actually rejecting him.

and I think a lot of the reason women start to not want sex is that they don't get the nonsexual physical affection they need. It always leads to having sex or an attempt at it. So one person's "need" is getting met, but not hers.

I think if you already had sex that day and your partner knew you would have sex again the next day or day after, then every hug wouldn’t turn into an attempt to have sex. And both of your needs could get met.

I also think that many women who won’t have sex with their husbands and can’t/won’t empathize with the pain this causes him are also not really hugging and kissing and cuddling and listening to his problems and being overall kind and affectionate partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I also think that many women who won’t have sex with their husbands and can’t/won’t empathize with the pain this causes him are also not really hugging and kissing and cuddling and listening to his problems and being overall kind and affectionate partners.

I remember telling my wife that even unsolicited back scratches would go a long way toward alleviating my frustrations over our libido gap. There was no additional back scratching, Message received.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

The soldier knows why he isn't having sex, and it's not because someone doesn't love him anymore. Same with the spouse of an ill person. You know that it's not a reflection of their attraction to you, your worth as a person, their selfishness, or their indifference. OP has no such assurances.

There is so much to upack with you I don't know where to start... but I'll start here.

So you agree, it's all in his head. If he was in a different situation then he would be fine. So it's not really the lack of sex making him depressed. A therapist can help him unpack why he is really depresses.

Perhaps he's depressed because he (like you ) think sex = love and he feels unloved, even though that is not the case. Again, therapy can help with that.

Oh come on. There was a woman who posted yesterday saying that she felt unloved because her husband wouldn’t get on board with a *kitchen renovation,* and I (and many other posters) completely empathized with her feelings.

If people can feel unloved when their spouse rejects their ideas on home remodeling, then how much worse is it when their spouse rejects sex?

She needs therapy if $ = live.

Same with every crazy person who agreed with her,

What do you mean by $ = live?

Both of these people want to feel loved and understood by their spouse.

Love*

Both are using the wrong thing to gauge love, sex or $

If you use these 2 things to gauge love, get help

Well, OP literally said that he is upset that he isnt understood, so it isn’t only sex.

If love isn’t understanding another person, providing physical affection, or spending your time/money on someone, then what is it?

How do you show people you love them, pp?

Nope.

Here is the deal if you don’t understand that life is not sex and money you need deep intense therapy, not a 1 sentence explanation on a website.

I don’t think you know what it means to love.

People need to feel understood and/or physically touched in order to feel loved.
If you cannot understand or empathize with someone and you cannot provide any kind of loving touch, then you cannot love.

Still not sex.

Love actually doesn’t require all of those things. People have spouses who need to be gone, or are sick, or are having mental health issues. Does not stop love.

Yes it does. Love requires at least some of those things.
People who are away are often sending money to their spouse and family. They are also understanding when their spouse says they are lonely or having a difficult time.

If they are away, shutting their spouse out emotionally, and not sending any money home, then they are not being a loving spouse.

I get it money is the way you receive love but it’s not universally true and you could, with therapy, not let money control your feeling about others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

The soldier knows why he isn't having sex, and it's not because someone doesn't love him anymore. Same with the spouse of an ill person. You know that it's not a reflection of their attraction to you, your worth as a person, their selfishness, or their indifference. OP has no such assurances.

There is so much to upack with you I don't know where to start... but I'll start here.

So you agree, it's all in his head. If he was in a different situation then he would be fine. So it's not really the lack of sex making him depressed. A therapist can help him unpack why he is really depresses.

Perhaps he's depressed because he (like you ) think sex = love and he feels unloved, even though that is not the case. Again, therapy can help with that.

Oh come on. There was a woman who posted yesterday saying that she felt unloved because her husband wouldn’t get on board with a *kitchen renovation,* and I (and many other posters) completely empathized with her feelings.

If people can feel unloved when their spouse rejects their ideas on home remodeling, then how much worse is it when their spouse rejects sex?

She needs therapy if $ = live.

Same with every crazy person who agreed with her,

What do you mean by $ = live?

Both of these people want to feel loved and understood by their spouse.

Love*

Both are using the wrong thing to gauge love, sex or $

If you use these 2 things to gauge love, get help

Well, OP literally said that he is upset that he isnt understood, so it isn’t only sex.

If love isn’t understanding another person, providing physical affection, or spending your time/money on someone, then what is it?

How do you show people you love them, pp?

Nope.

Here is the deal if you don’t understand that life is not sex and money you need deep intense therapy, not a 1 sentence explanation on a website.

I know how I love other people. I hug my kids, cuddle and have sex with my husband, talk to them about their feelings and try to understand their problems, do nice things for them that I think will make them happy.

If you don’t do any of these things for people you love because touch, empathy, and money do not equal love, then what do you do?

If 1 is missing you don’t stop loving them. Your kids will move out and you won’t hug them but you will still love them.

I know that a lot of people had crappy childhoods, but this isn’t true.
If you tell your mom that you need a hug, and she won’t hug you, and then you tell her about something you are sad about, and she won’t try to understand, then she doesn’t love you.
She may have had her own crappy childhood and not be able to bond with people in that way, and that’s sad and it’s not her fault or your fault, but that isn’t what love is.

You cannot be a loving mother, spouse, friend, or anything if you cannot touch someone or empathize with them.

That’s so insane. It’s only in this recent generation that that was even an expectation. If your parent worked and gave you a roof over your head that was love.

You’ve created an these goal posts to define love that arent always attainable for decades in a relationship.